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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel like I’m sick of DH

42 replies

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 18:22

DH and I have a 19 month old. I am the main care giver. I take her to play groups, appointments, soft play, parks etc. i do all the feeds, changes, baths, entertaining. DH has his own business and works 9-5 Monday to Friday. when he comes home he just lays on the sofa and blindly interacts with DD if she goes to him. I am a stay at home mum (on long term sick leave from work).
DH and I haven’t had a date night since before my pregnancy where it was just the two of us so we are talking almost 2.5 years.
We live near his mum who has DD regularly so we can go do something on a Saturday night but he is always tired, has a headache or just cba. I don’t have any friends or family who live close by so he is the only person I can go out with.
My issue is that he has 3 different friendship groups and goes out at least once a fortnight with them all. They go watch a movie, have a meal and grab dessert.
AIBU to feel like if he can do it with them he can make the effort with me.
I feel so lonely.

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 18:23

Barely not blindly

OP posts:

GreenestValley · 18/12/2021 18:24

What’s your long term illness?

hidetheicicles · 18/12/2021 18:25

He doesn’t sound like a great dad or partner OP. Does he make you happy at all?

biggirlknickers · 18/12/2021 18:26

He’s not making much effort to be a partner. He probably thinks that providing the money is all that’s required.

Have you talked about it with him?

DSGR · 18/12/2021 18:26

Time for a very strong word with him

Topseyt · 18/12/2021 18:31

Of course he should be making an effort to go out with you at times rather than always prioritising his mates.

Have you told him this? Not that it should really need pointing out, but I would be having some stern words with him. He isn't being very nice.

percythewitch · 18/12/2021 18:39

@GreenestValley

What’s your long term illness?

Why do you need to know this?

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 18:49

I have tried to talk to him so many times. He just changes the subject. He has now promised to take me out next Saturday so we can watch a movie and go for a meal. So I pointed out that’s very unlikely to happen as everything is shut due to being Christmas Day. He said we will work it out.

I have spoken to his mum but she believes this is how it should be. She has a very old school mentality where women should run the house and raise the children and that’s it. Never to question a man.

He did used to be amazing but I feel like he’s just bored now

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 18:50

I’m quite close to calling it quits if he doesn’t pull his weight. This isn’t the life I want.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 18/12/2021 18:52

He's arranged for his mother to have your daughter on Christmas Day ?!

Hankunamatata · 18/12/2021 18:52

Are things financially tight if your on long term sick leave? Was the plan for you to be at home?

MiddleParking · 18/12/2021 18:54

He’s arranged date night on Christmas Day? Has he taken a knock to the head?

Teacupsandtoast · 18/12/2021 18:56

He goes out 6 times a month with his friends but cant be arsed to spend time with you or care for his daughter? Id be getting to the next free weekend, taking myself out and leaving him to look after her himself

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2021 18:59

I take her to play groups, appointments, soft play, parks etc. i do all the feeds, changes, baths, entertaining

Did he want a child? It’s not going to change after 19 months. No chance. Because he’s not bothered about being a dad, about your daughter, about you.

He brings in the money and that seems to be it.

What do your finances and housing look like if you leave him? I couldn’t stay with someone who cared so little about your child. It’s heartbreaking. She deserves better than growing up knowing daddy doesn’t give a shit.

Tbh his mother and lack of date nights are the least of your problems.

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 19:01

Was he amazing before? Really?

Because that would be a long way to fall to suddenly become this much of a misogynist.

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 19:03

@MommaOfToddler

I’m quite close to calling it quits if he doesn’t pull his weight. This isn’t the life I want.

His child is nearly 2 years old and he's done zero parenting. He's not going to change, is he?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 19:10

This sounds like a very unhappy situation.

Have you tried having a proper session sitting him down and taking about it, and laying down some boundaries - date night once a week (sounds like his mum can have her), a night a week when he baby sits and you go out to yoga etc. Also he needs to have a child care task at night like a Bath, and a good chunk of the weekend.

It might be he is also unhappy and wants out, in which case it will be a different conversation, but you need to make it clear to him your marriage is in crisis and it needs to change.

Can you also work on making some friends for your own sake? If babygroups haven’t thrown anyone up, what hobbies could you take up?

Is the sick leave permanent? Because it sounds like you might be happier back at work, at least PT. if you separate you will likely have to back.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 19:13

I'd bet my house he was in no way "amazing" before you had a child, you just ignored issues or maybe didn't even notice how useless he is. It's easy to ignore when you don't have a baby to care for, but now you have two. Your man child of a husband will never change.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 19:25

Oh dear. Tbh he spoils us with material things which I would rather not have. I’d rather have him. Materialistic things seem to make him think it’s all ok.

He did want the child. We had help with conception.

Before we had the baby it was just us two so we had a lot more time to do what we wanted. We would go on date nights, spend time together, talk.

I’m sorry I should have clarified, we don’t celebrate Christmas which is why that day is free in his very busy schedule 🤦🏼‍♀️

I am due to go back in January when my sick note ends. Money isn’t tight as he is doing quite well. I have around £2000 in savings which he doesn’t know about.

His dad did the same as he is doing.

OP posts:

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 19:29

What are the barriers to you developing friendships or acquaintanceships locally?

I know covid has made it harder for lots of us, but how much of an obstacle is he from you being able to join activities where you could socialise with others in your own right?

noirchatsdeux · 18/12/2021 19:33

Sounds like how my father was...and you were right, he was bored. Got so bored with being a family man by the time I was 9 he started working abroad and living as if he was single...including having affairs.

Never got any better, in fact when I was 12 he tried dumping my mother, myself and my two brothers on the other side of the world (we'd come to the UK from Australia and he tricked my mother into believing he wanted to move back). We were going to go first and he would 'follow later'...he had actually arranged alternative accommodation just for himself and hadn't given notice at his job! His plan was rumbled by my mother the day we were due to leave...she still stayed with him for another 10 years...he finally left her for another woman.

I'd get out now. He's not going to change.

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 19:35

Before we had the baby it was just us two so we had a lot more time to do what we wanted. We would go on date nights, spend time together, talk.

But did he pull his weight with the day-to-day boring stuff then?

Or has it always been left to you to labour as his house servant?

He did want the child.

To parent and care for? Or as an ego boost that you would look after with him doing occasional fun things?

Did you discuss how responsibilities would be shared?

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 19:51

I had one of these DHs and it never got better. He was absent through either work or hobbies. Never spent any time together unless I organised it and then he was silent and disinterested. Tbh he was always detached, it got worse when we had DD. He was very keen to continue his single lifestyle and had all sorts of strategies to justify and achieve that.

I think this is probably how he is. As you have said, this was modelled by his father, enabled by his mother. People who want a close relationship with their wife and child just do it and don't need talking to or changing.

Not having friends of your own is the biggest issue here. You must feel dreadfully isolated with no one to sound off to.

One thing at a time, can you start carving out time to get out and meet potential friends through interests and hobbies? Start preparing the life you would like. If money isn't an issue then use it to set yourself up with a network.

It would make getting out of this relationship much easier than if you are completely alone.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 19:55

I don’t make friends very easily. I’ve always found this difficult. I don’t think he would stop me making my own friends.

OP posts:

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 19:55

He’s totally taking you for granted and I wouldn’t want to stay in that situation either. As you said, if he can make the effort for other people he certainly can, and should, do the same for you.

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