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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel like I’m sick of DH

42 replies

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 18:22

DH and I have a 19 month old. I am the main care giver. I take her to play groups, appointments, soft play, parks etc. i do all the feeds, changes, baths, entertaining. DH has his own business and works 9-5 Monday to Friday. when he comes home he just lays on the sofa and blindly interacts with DD if she goes to him. I am a stay at home mum (on long term sick leave from work).
DH and I haven’t had a date night since before my pregnancy where it was just the two of us so we are talking almost 2.5 years.
We live near his mum who has DD regularly so we can go do something on a Saturday night but he is always tired, has a headache or just cba. I don’t have any friends or family who live close by so he is the only person I can go out with.
My issue is that he has 3 different friendship groups and goes out at least once a fortnight with them all. They go watch a movie, have a meal and grab dessert.
AIBU to feel like if he can do it with them he can make the effort with me.
I feel so lonely.

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 20:01

Sorry i pressed post too soon. He pulled his weight beforehand with the household chores. But then we were both working full time.

Responsibility of the child was supposed to be split too tbh. If I put her into childcare it would mean me returning to work and covering the cost of it. Which is the plan when I go back next month as he pays for the household costs.

I could probably arrange to meet up with a playgroup mum. We have only been attending for the past four sessions but I’m sure she would be down for a coffee or lunch

My family don’t know what things are like as I don’t want to worry or bother them with it

OP posts:

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 20:01

@MommaOfToddler

I don’t make friends very easily. I’ve always found this difficult. I don’t think he would stop me making my own friends.

Would he care for your child so you could go to an activity or class to spend time with people? Would he do all the parenting and home jobs that needed to happen for you to go or would you have extra work to do if you went out?

I don't mean would he tell you not to go or lock you in the house, but whether his behaviour would make it too difficult or stressful for you to go out and socialise.

IncompleteSenten · 18/12/2021 20:02

I would assume he spends time with people he wants to spend time with and you aren't one of those people.
That's not how a marriage should be.

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 20:05

If I put her into childcare it would mean me returning to work and covering the cost of it. Which is the plan when I go back next month as he pays for the household costs.

Is that an even or proportionate split or will it disadvantage you?

He agreed in advance to a) continue to pull his weight at home and b) parent and care for his child - yet has done neither for two years. That is a bigger problem than whether you get a date night.

I can't speak for your family, but I would want my relative to tell me if they were in your shoes so I could support them. I wouldn't consider it "bothering" me and I wouldn't want them going through it alone.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 20:05

@ftw163532 if I did go out he wouldn’t carry out household chores. They just wouldn’t get done.
In regards to parenting he would likely just take her to his mums while I’m gone.

If I go to my mums then I just take her with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 20:08

@ftw163532

It would be a pretty even split with our outgoings. He would make more than me as he does work for himself so makes more than the average wage. However our outgoings would be split well x

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 20:26

Making friends is a muscle you can build on. Keep turning up to places where other people share the same interests and see how it goes. Definitely ask the other mum to meet for coffee. Having children is a good opportunity to meet others even if they become acquaintances not friends.

You probably want to spend your free time with your DH and as a family but he has given you no indication that it is reciprocated. I wasted so many years waiting for that. It was only when I had one foot out of the door that he suggested stuff together. I knew it wouldn't last and one of his ideas was to dump our DD off somewhere over New Year so I could watch him play golf for a few days. Er, no thanks. He was clueless because he wasn't wired for intimacy and togetherness.

The bottom line was we weren't really compatible and my exH was incredibly selfish and set up the life he wanted because I was SAHM and he called the shots.

If you have a career you do have options. You can leave. It won't make your DH step as a parent but it will give you the potential to meet someone who IS compatible with you.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 20:41

@Dacquoise honestly that’s all I want. Someone who will be there to love and care for me and my daughter. Did he know you were going to leave before you did? And do I build myself up then leave him without him having any idea that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t see us being together forever anymore.

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 21:54

He was completely blindsided because he thought I would remain in it forever, probably like his mother did with his father. I don't think they honestly see anything wrong with the set up. It's normal to them like generations before in his family of origin. He then decided that we needed couples therapy, too late for me. His own therapy gave him zero insight into the problem.

I remember one evening on a rare night out (he needed an 'other' for a work do) him turning to me drunk and telling me how contented he was and how he wished I could be as contented as him. WTAF! I was housekeeper, cook and live in nanny and general drudge which enabled him to live as a single man as he did. No insight or self awareness at all. I wanted to punch him in the face!

You don't have to let him down nicely. He's not really a husband or father is he? I would recommend therapy for yourself though. My dysfunctional childhood led me to accept an emotionally unavailable life partner. Perhaps start before you plan to leave as it will do wonders for your self esteem.

I now have a DP who is everything my exH isn't. He wants to spend time with me, is always organising social things for US rather than just himself. He's kind and thoughtful and we are compatible. We like similar things and have the same values. That is so so important. You can have the life you want.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 22:13

As @IncompleteSenten summed it up. He sees social life as him and his friends, family life as you doing it all, looking after him whilst he relaxes.

My family also supported this view. They thought it was wrong of me to challenge this because their belief system favours men over women which caused me to doubt myself. Is this true of your family?

I don't want this nonsense leading my own DD into a one sided unnorishing relationship with her life partner. She matters, as I matter, as YOU matter too.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 22:14

@Dacquoise I could have written that comment myself. That’s exactly how I feel.

He might love me but i feel like he isn’t in love with me anymore.

I definitely need to make a start in sorting mine and my daughters life out. Everything I have goes on her to make up for her lack of a father. He’s obviously not going to change for her let alone me.

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Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 22:17

In my own family I am the only one who is so far never divorced. All of my siblings (5 of them) have been divorced 2-3 times each. My mum has been divorced 3 times and my dad 4 times. For them it’s not a big deal. But they love him to bits because they think he’s a saint. I never tell them anything and we always look like this perfect couple.

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Squeezita · 18/12/2021 22:19

He’s never going to give you what you need.

Run whilst you’re still young.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 22:25

That's interesting what you say about love . My exH clearly liked the idea of a wife and family but not the reality of it. He wanted his freedom. I asked him once why he got married at all and he said he liked having someone at home. I don't see that as 'love'. I see it as convenience. He was a high earner and saw the money as his contribution to our life.

Love to me is being thoughtful towards your partner and wanting the best for them no matter the circumstances. Absenting yourself from the hard graft isn't love. It just plain selfishness.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 22:37

Wow! So your family role models were unstable. That must have been incredibly unsettling for you as a child.

Perhaps your DH represented stability for you but in a rigid, heavily skewed in his favour way. My dysfunctional, messed up family saw my exH as a saint too. After a lot of therapy I now see I married an emotionally abusive, manipulative character...just like my mother.

If I'd stuffed my feelings down and carried on ignoring my wants and needs I'd still be married today. Probably would have had a mental breakdown but hey, who cares if the man is contented

I think you have some stuff to unpack @MommaOfToddler but you can make the buck stop here. I promise you.

Original poster

MommaOfToddler · 18/12/2021 22:49

It really was incredibly difficult and tbh I met DH at 17. Married at 19. And a baby at 26. I was really young so maybe you’re right. I possibly did just jump at the first sign of affection. I want different for my daughter. I want to give her all the happiness in the world. I don’t want her to have a childhood like mine.

Oh and you should probably become a therapist @Dacquoise ❤️

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 22:58

I probably could with the amount of therapy I have had! I see it as being re-parented. Having a sane, stable, intelligent person validate your thoughts and feelings. It has been life changing for me. I highly recommend it. My childhood was chaotic too.

You are still a young woman. You can change this and find the life you want.

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