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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend accused of very inappropriate behaviour (TW)

55 replies

Imtootired · 18/12/2021 14:04

I have been friends with someone for a few years through a political group. I haven’t been going much due to having a toddler. He was going through a very hard time a few months ago with a break up and severe mental health problems leading to hospitalisation. I know he left the group due after some drama but I was under the impression that he was paranoid and accusing people of talking about him and then quit.

I found out today that it is because he was accused by quite a few young members of being incredibly sexually inappropriate. In one instance he and another member had been drinking and smoking weed and she went to bed and woke up to him sexually assaulting her.

I feel really terrible. The group handled it well and it sounds like they supported the victim and asked him to leave. But now I just feel really disturbed and upset that my friend behaved like this. On the one hand I know that he does have serious mental illness that was seriously affecting him at the time but it sounds like he was using his position within the group to make advances on many members and even their partners. I’m really shocked.

I don’t see him very often, usually just catch up for a chat every month or two. I think I will just leave it for now but I’m not sure what to do if he messages me. On the one hand I feel bad for him due to his mental illness and the way his life has fallen apart and I don’t want to abandon someone at their lowest point. But on the other I can’t, in good conscience, be friends with someone who has done these things.

I also feel very bad for the victim, who has left the group, and I want to reach out and say I believe her and support her but I don’t want to bring up bad memories and I don’t know her well.

Has anyone had experience of this? Please don’t be harsh, I’m quite upset about this.

OP posts:
FreedomDrops · 18/12/2021 15:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn
You would remain friends with, and support, a man who had sexually assaulted someone?

Why?

Not necessarily, but I wouldn't necessarily drop them either. It really would really depend on the circumstances, and the impact it might have on me, but as I said I wouldn't use withdrawal of friendship to punish someone I cared about who had done something wrong.

I've not been in that situation, but I've remained friends with people who have convictions and acted wrongly. (Equally I have dropped people.)

MadeUpThisUsername · 18/12/2021 15:38

I've been in your position in the past and ended the friendship.

I've also been in the position of the woman who has left your group. Knowing people continued to support him (and minimise/refute what he did) was/is not a good feeling.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 15:42

That must be quite a shock.

If you want to remain in contact with this guy, the most useful thing to do is encourage him to face up to his actions, and go and get some treatment if he needs to.

Equally it’s reasonable to drop him.

NameChangeCity123 · 18/12/2021 15:47

Sexual assault is way past 'inappropriate'

Annonnimoouse42 · 18/12/2021 15:48

@Bluntness100

What sort of mental health issues makes him sexually assault and abuse people?
⬆️ exactly this
SocialConnection · 18/12/2021 16:12

Block him. No contact. We did that with a former friend who was out of the blue arrested for grooming children. Prison happened.

There are plenty of other people on the planet to be friends with.

If the woman he assaulted is not a close friend, leave her in peace. Making yourself feel better by getting involved is not going help her.

Try to move on if you can. We asked ourselves how could we have not known, but we didn't. It wasn't our fault - it was his.

Verbena87 · 18/12/2021 16:51

If you want to remain in contact with this guy, the most useful thing to do is encourage him to face up to his actions, and go and get some treatment if he needs to.

Honestly, if it’s serious mental illness I would not do this unless it’s someone you love deeply, and you’re prepared to invest a lot of time and love in what might turn out to be futile. Having tried to support someone really poorly before, I would only ever now do the same for my child. Not my husband, sister or any other adult: only my dependant.

People can be really idealistic about mental health support and what they would offer others. I think if you’ve not directly witnessed serious mental health issues, that’s easy to do.

Grown adults are not responsible for being each other’s conscience. That way madness (for you too) lies.

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/12/2021 17:32

@mumda

The group handled it well?

Not if he's not been spoken to by the police they haven't.

This.

And if he contacted me I would tell him I don't associated with sex predators and perverts.

I know numerous women with poor mental health they do not go around sexually assaulting men or other women.

2bazookas · 18/12/2021 17:46

I think you're over-involved. None of this happened to you and you can't help either your friend or the abused by rehashing their past trauma.
Let it go.

2bazookas · 18/12/2021 18:08

@Bluntness100

What sort of mental health issues makes him sexually assault and abuse people?
Hypersexuality is one of the accompanying symptoms of BPD; also can be a feature of schizoaffective disorder. Compulsive delusions can affect people in various disorders. Some people who were sexually abused as children develop severe mental illnesses later on.
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 18/12/2021 18:38

One of the worst things that ever happened to me was my best friend continuing to be friends with my rapist. He had 'mental health issues' too.

I know you aren't this woman's friend but it's fucked up to support a sexual predator.

Original poster
Imtootired · 19/12/2021 07:54

Yes absolutely I won’t be supporting him at all. Now that I’ve had more time to think about it it’s sinking in and I will not apologise for dropping him but I’ll say that I really hope he can change. I’ll also try to get more information about the whole thing in time and check if the victim was supported in pursuing police charges if that is what she would have liked to do. Unfortunately it is often a punishment for the victim as much as the perpetrator so she may not have wanted to. I just don’t want to be seen as gossiping or creating drama but I do deserve to know as well.

OP posts:
Swisscheeseleaves · 19/12/2021 08:14

No you don't deserve to know at all. It's got literally nothing to do with you. If you go looking for information about it then of course that's gossiping. Just mind your own business.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/12/2021 08:32

Take the sexual assault out of the equation. Youre left with a man who despite being hospitalised for mh continues to smoke weed. I dont know your views on drug use but I cant bear it and knowing what it does to your head would be enough for me to drop him.

You dont owe anyone your friendship or company or headspace. You are perfectly entitled to choose who you want in her life. You can drop anyone for any or no reason.

Original poster
Imtootired · 19/12/2021 08:32

I don’t want to know all the details and everyone that he harassed I just want to make sure that the victim was supported.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 19/12/2021 08:42

Thinking you need to know suggests your boundaries aren’t great here. You’re over invested. Much better for your own mental health to just detach and walk away from the whole situation.

Nowomenaroundeh · 19/12/2021 08:50

Hi OP,

What an awful shock to get. I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I found this out about a friend of mine.

He hasn't tried to contact you. I suggest you block him instead of being pulled into a conversation about this. It would be better had when he's feeling better.

I don't see why you wouldn't contact the victim, say you are sorry she left and you are here if she needs you. She could feel very alone and judged.

User00000000 · 19/12/2021 08:50

You sound a bit over invested here. He's not even a close friend. I'd just block his phone, social media etc now and not wait for him to contact you. He will be perfectly capable of working out why.

treesandweeds · 19/12/2021 08:54

Why do you "deserve to know"? Its literally nothing to do with you, hence why you haven't known about it. just keep your beak out!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2021 08:56

I just don’t want to be seen as gossiping or creating drama but I do deserve to know as well.

Why?

ittakes2 · 19/12/2021 09:25

OP - I am also going against the grain here. And I was sexually abused as both a child and an adult so I don't say this lightly. I would not make a decision on anyone based on hearsay. I've heard too many real life situations where things are not as it seems.
If it was me, I wouldn't contact him, but if he did contact me I would be prepared to hear his side of the story and then decide where I went from there. I try and remember when difficult decisions needs to be made what moral principle I would be following if a decision wasn't tough - and then remember to still follow it when a situation is more complex. My moral compass says its not fair to judge people on hearsay, especially because I would not liked to be judged myself on hearsay. I wouldn't reach out to him - and this would not be an easy thing to do - but I would be prepared to hear his side of the story if he wanted to tell it.

Wolfiefan · 19/12/2021 09:26

You don’t deserve to know.
It’s not up to you to ensure it’s reported.
You need to stay away from the whole situation.

Toplowlight · 19/12/2021 09:26

I wouldn’t contact the victim, you don’t know if it would be traumatic for her.

I’d just cut him out of your life right away - mental illness or no, what he did was profoundly wrong.

RoomOfRequirement · 19/12/2021 09:30

Mental illness isn't an excuse for sexual assault. Those poor girls.

Swisscheeseleaves · 19/12/2021 09:44

You don't need to know if the victim was supported. If she wasnt, what makes you qualified to offer her the support? If you were a close personal friend of hers then yes. Maybe you could help her. But you don't know her. All you are doing is trying to insert yourself into the situation. God only knows why.

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