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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disciplining toddler

41 replies

fifiKma · 18/12/2021 13:27

So I'm pretty sure on this one just wondered if I might be slightly in the wrong too.
I have a very sweet if a little mischievous 16 month old boy. He's a live wire for sure. The last few times at the pool he's being doing crazy things (throwing off his towel and running naked giggling into the sports village hall, peeing in a shower drain etc.) but last week he wriggled away from me when he saw the pool and bolted to it and of course fell on his face and got a nasty bump. I told this to my mum and she had a go at me for not discipling him. I sit him down and say no when he's naughty on purpose but she says I should shout at him more and take him home etc. I don't feel like that would work when he's crying or just trying to have fun.

Is he even old enough that would work? He's a puddle of tears if anyone shouts. We aren't shouty people. My parents on the other hand are. Then again part of me wonders if I'm just lax and lack discipline? If I'm honest I don't really see anyone elses kids doing this kind of thing at the pool, maybe he needs kept on a tighter leash but he's so strong willed and wriggly!

OP posts:

NannyR · 18/12/2021 13:32

There's no need to ever shout at a child to discipline them, especially a young toddler. At this age, you just have to be one step ahead of him - if you know he's likely to run, have some way to restrain or distract him, i.e. a snack whilst strapped into the pushchair or reins.

daisychainsandrainbows · 18/12/2021 13:35

Discipline doesn't mean shouting but at 16 months you can't discipline him for running off anyway. You do however need to prevent it and maybe that's what your mum was trying to express, you need to make sure he can't run off in situations like this, it's incredibly dangerous for him to be bolting off towards a swimming pool.

Icebreaker99 · 18/12/2021 13:40

Why is peeing in a shower drain crazy or naughty? If he needs to go he needs to go, he's unlikely to be ready for potty training at 16 months, that stuck ne as really odd. If he is putting himself in danger you might want to think about reins (not that you can use them in the pool). I only take my older toddler home if she is hurting other children.

He's just a baby, let him be a baby, screaming at kids into submission either turns them into cowering wrecks or makes them immune to the few times you really do have to shout as they are putting themselves in danger.

ElfIsTheImposter · 18/12/2021 13:45

Agree with others. It's less about telling him off or shouting at him after the event and more of recognising when he's a risk and preventing it from happening. So if he strips off, get changed in a cubicle. If he runs off, carry him or put him in the buggy.

We had to stop swimming for a while when my eldest was about 18months because he kept running around the pool. We left it about six months before trying again.

AliceW89 · 18/12/2021 13:48

I think your DM is wrong, and I would argue your comment about him ‘being naughty on purpose’ is also wrong. 16 month olds are purely impulsive. They run because that’s what their brain is urging them to do, not because they are being naughty. Shouting at him and taking him home is completely useless - he is far to little to understand cause an effect. You just need to be one step ahead of them at all times - if you don’t want them to do something then don’t let it be an option. If that means not swimming until he’s older to understand danger, than so be it.

Original poster

fifiKma · 18/12/2021 14:01

AliceW89 I mean that he often hears me say no and giggles and looks at me and keeps trying I know my kid pretty well and know when he understands something isn't ok but does it anyways.

I appreciate what everyone means about risk I guess I'm new to having a kid but I am learning just not fast enough maybe. He's very quick and I can't glue him to me I'd argue putting him alone in a cubicle while I get our stuff from the locker is also a bit dangerous so it's hard to know how to contain him.

Either way I think I'll stop posting on here the answers are too aggressive for a sensitive person like me. Thanks for the comments that were helpful.

OP posts:

daisychainsandrainbows · 18/12/2021 14:10

They've gone out of favour with some but reins can be a godsend with bolting toddlers. And at the pool he needs to hold your hand or be carried backwards and forwards to the locker. In a situation with open water- however awkward a juggling act it is- he just cannot have the opportunity to run. Going from baby to active toddler is another learning curve in parenting but your reflexes do get quicker.

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 18/12/2021 14:14

I found "No Bad Kids" by Janet Landsbury quite useful re toddler discipline.

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 18/12/2021 14:15

Also reins! We have the little life rucksack ones and DD (also 16 months) loves them

Goldbar · 18/12/2021 14:18

Reins/harness. Tie him to something while you get changed. Or an umbrella buggy that you can strap him into in a family size cubicle.

At that age, you can try a firm no and removing from the situation but really it's about corralling and restraining when necessary (and I get you on the incredibly wriggly!).

NameChange8283 · 18/12/2021 14:19

The suggestion that he should be disciplined for his behaviour is ridiculous, because he's a toddler. He doesn't have the capacity to understand social norms, or the extent of his actions.

For example, he doesn't think 'if I run across this road, I might get hit by a car, but I dont care, I'll take the risk'. In the moment, he just thinks it's a way to get to where he's going quicker. They don't really think about it.

We need to protect our kids until they can make good judgements themselves. And frightening them into doing it is not the way to go. Fights happen when people don't understand each other. Don't be that parent.

viques · 18/12/2021 14:19

If he does dangerous things like running away from you at the pool then you should take him home. He will remember for next time. At the moment he is learning about circumstances when it is ok to run (the park, the playground, your garden, the beach) and places where it is not ok to run (shops, pavements,swimming pools). You need to help him to learn the differences and one way is to remove him from the circumstance. There are other ways too.

If you run at the pool you get taken home

If you run in the shop you have to sit in your buggy

If you run near the road you have to wear reins.

NannyR · 18/12/2021 14:20

Janet Lansbury is a great suggestion from the previous poster. No bad kids and Elevating childcare are brilliant books for understanding toddlers in general, as well as gentle discipline methods. She has a good podcast too, Unruffled.

RedRobin100 · 18/12/2021 14:21

He’s only 16 months. He wouldn’t really understand discipline etc. Also - parent how you want to parent - it’s not your mums place to be telling you to yell at your toddler.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/12/2021 14:22

I have a 9 year old and an 18 year old. I honestly can’t remember the last time I ever shouted at either of them. I’m just not a shouty person. I would say no sternly and remove them from a situation and as they got older I’d explain why they can’t do something. But 16 months old is still a baby really, they don’t really understand so there’s no point shouting. Especially the peeing thing, just one of those things! Definitely use reins; they’re a life saver, often literally.

Ducksurprise · 18/12/2021 14:22

Agree with reins. I was all smug with DC 1,2 and 3, no bolters who would hold my hand and buggy etc, then along came DC4.....
Also agree he isn't really being naughty, even if he looks at you when you say no, the full comprehension isn't there.

BirdyBee · 18/12/2021 14:26

Another one saying reins I have a set with a extension bit on them so my 19 month old can run but still safe, also its just trying to be one step ahead, snacks ready ect good luck!

TulipsGarden · 18/12/2021 14:26

If he runs by the pool and you can't keep him safe, you don't go. There were lots of things I didn't do with a 16 month old because he was incredibly wriggly and good at escaping, and it wasn't safe to take the chance. No going anywhere near water without reins, for instance!

He's better now at nearly 3, and understands that if I say no and he does it anyway, we go home. He screams, but he doesn't do it again.

TulipsGarden · 18/12/2021 14:28

Oh and I don't shout. I'm not a shouty person. The only time I raise my voice is if he's about to do something dangerous, but that's only to make him stop.

GingerbreadandJellytots · 18/12/2021 18:08

One of the most helpful piece of parenting advice I ever had regarding toddlers is that young children cannot be good or bad because they haven't developed a conscience yet. So any raised voice other than a firm "no" or "stop" to stop them hurting themselves or somebody else is of no benefit to the child. So if you shout at a child that age it's due to your own anger, fear, or frustration only, eg. If you yell at them after they run in the pool it's through your own fear at them injuring themselves, your fear of others judgment, etc. Recently my toddler almost ran in the road, I pulled him back and should "stop" then I started to shout and stopped myself. Why was I shouting? Because I was scared of my child harming them self. So instead I stopped and hugged my child. I didn't need to shout. Next time we went out, before we got to the crossing I clearly said "you must hold mummy's hand at the crossing" I set the expectation which I had forgotten to do the previous time. That's all you can do with toddlers.

Frazzled50yrold · 18/12/2021 19:13

If it's not safe to go to the pool with him don't do it. Falls at a swimming pool can be nasty and dangerous. Are there any other activities like messy play where he can experiment in a safe environment. Discipline is a very problematic word for such a young child, I think it's more about routines being gently reinforced. The notion of taking him home and expecting him to have learned from that is just bizarre, he's much too young.

SweetPetrichor · 18/12/2021 19:21

Running around out of control is dangerous in a lot of ‘away from home’ situations. The poolside, showers and changing rooms especially. It’s very easy to slip and it’s not a forgiving surface to hit. He could also cause someone else to slip. It’s just not safe.
You don’t need to shout, but a ‘strong willed’ child is generally a polite term for a nuisance child! My parents were both teachers and this was generally the case!

3WildOnes · 18/12/2021 19:28

A 16 month old isn’t going to remember that last time he ran off he was taken home so better not do it again, that’s absurd, he’s basically a baby. Shouting at kids, especially babies, is shitty parenting. I am guilty of occasionally loosing my rag and shouting at my kids but I am pretty ashamed of myself for it. A 16 month old also isn’t being naughty on purpose. Maybe he is just trying to make you laugh or wondering what your reaction will be when he looks at you and does something you have said no to?

alexdgr8 · 18/12/2021 19:31

you just need to anticipate and be more in control to stop dangerous bolting behaviour.
you have to physically stop it, or make it impossible.
for the safety of everyone.

NannaMcPhoo · 18/12/2021 19:32

He's a live wire for sure. The last few times at the pool he's being doing crazy things (throwing off his towel and running naked giggling into the sports village hall, peeing in a shower drain etc.) but last week he wriggled away from me when he saw the pool and bolted to it and of course fell on his face and got a nasty bump. I told this to my mum and she had a go at me for not discipling him

To me that reads as if you said nothing when he peed in the shower drain. Is that true?

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