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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dsis was wrong to do this

49 replies

Bitamine · 18/12/2021 11:47

My sister went out for a couple of drinks for Mad Friday with my brother last night. It turns out she left her phone at home and needed to message her boyfriend so she used his phone whilst he was queuing at the bar.

Whilst doing this she noticed some texts he has sent to a mental health charity. She has then screenshotted them (she says she has done it in a way he won’t know she has) and put them in a WhatsApp group that me, her and my other sister are in this morning. Her message says borrowed Dbros phone last night and saw these, feel devastated but we need to do something to get him help.

They are bad where he talks about feeling that his life is hopeless, wants to die and that no one would miss him if he was not here (categorically not true).

I have messaged back saying that whilst it’s painful to read, this is a massive invasion of his privacy and totally inappropriate. Our other sister has replied that the biggest killer of 20 year old men is suicide.

On the one hand I can see she has done it for the right reasons but it’s not as if he opened up to her to tell her he feels like this.

I just don’t see how we can say to him when we get together at Christmas,by the way Dsis snooped on your phone and has shown us some private messages you had with a charity, do you want to talk? I am worried about him having seen what he wrote so feel torn.

OP posts:
Norta · 18/12/2021 12:11

Yabu on balance. Being deceptive isn’t ideal but mental health and particularly male mental health is so stigmatised that people suffer in silence until the absolute worst thing happens.

Original poster
Bitamine · 18/12/2021 12:27

I understand the stigma point but it’s the way that we are now aware of it is not through him telling us voluntarily and then try to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 18/12/2021 12:32

God what a tricky one!

I'd be worried that if your brother find out your sister snooped then he'd cut you all out (as I think that would unfortunately how is react in his shoes). But on the other hand it sounds like he's in a bad place and needs some help. Really tricky one, sorry.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 18/12/2021 12:32

Male mental health isn’t taken seriously enough. Discuss with your sisters on how to address this gently. Hopefully seeing how much he is cared about will help him realise he has much more to live for.

Sosigsandwich · 18/12/2021 12:34

It's not like she was just snooping and surely it's better to know than when it's too late?!

hotmeatymilk · 18/12/2021 12:38

I think she did the right thing to share that he’s having massive MH issues and suggest you all do something to help; but she absolutely shouldn’t have screenshot and whatsapped. She should have called you later/the next day.

RealMermaid · 18/12/2021 12:38

The screenshotting was wrong, she shouldn't have done that and shared, but if she saw the messages by accident then I can understand she may have panicked. I certainly wouldn't tell your brother you've seen the messages but there's no reason it can't prompt a discussion about mental health or a bit of extra effort to keep an eye on him and offer some extra support.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 12:39

I can see your concerns, but your sister can easily say to your brother she just noticed when she was borrowing his phone to text her boyfriend (which is what did happen), and she told you and your mum because she was very concerned.

It's done now - focus on helping your your brother, not fighting with your sister.

sadpapercourtesan · 18/12/2021 12:41

I would approach it without giving away that she snooped. She can own up to that later when he's in a better place.

Could you gently suggest to him that he doesn't seem quite himself, and let him know that you're there for him if he wants to talk? Your other sister could do something similar.

RuggerHug · 18/12/2021 12:43

I imagine, especially since there was drink involved, that she saw them and panicked about what to do. So that's done even though she shouldn't have looked. I think you need to focus on helping him without mentioning the messages. It's a shit situation for you all OP, try and stick together for your DBFlowers

EmpressCixi · 18/12/2021 12:45

I don’t think she should have screen shot and shared the texts on What’s App. I agree with you that is a step too far for her to have done.

I do think she was right though to be concerned after accidentally seeing the texts and to open a discussion about how to help/support him.

He is at least already getting some support from a mental health charity.

I think she should admit she saw the messages and that she should reassure him that she is there for him if he needs to talk, that she thinks he’s brave for contacting the charity and getting help is the right thing to do.

But she can’t start snooping on his phone. What is between a patient and therapist, even in an online chat is confidential and private.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2021 12:47

She was wrong to do what she did but presumably she'd just had quite a shock herself.

He might never tell you himself voluntarily. Sadly, some people do resort to extreme measures without ever giving family or friends an inkling of how they are feeling.

I think the focus should be on your brother's wellbeing and not how you and your other sister found out about it.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2021 12:52

Having lost FIL to suicide I'd probably try and focus on your brother right now. He doesn't need to know what was seen. A white lie of "you don't seem yourself" and an offer to chat or asking about work/life might be more appropriate.

How she found out and the fact she shared screen grabs (why? She could have easily said I saw XYZ) is secondary.

Lalliella · 18/12/2021 12:55

I think she should say to him that she used his phone to message, and she saw his texts by accident, and tell him she wants to help him if she can. And also tell him she’s told you and your other DS, and you all want to support him. She can do this without admitting to the screenshotting and whatsapping, that crossed a line, but she shouldn’t just sit on this. She’d never forgive herself if he did something.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/12/2021 12:58

She shouldn’t have screenshot the private messages. She could have just told you all she had reason to believe he was struggling with his MH, absolutely no need to take his deeply private messages and share them. If he were to ever find out it would likely make his MH worse and not help at all.

100problems · 18/12/2021 13:00

I agree with others. Focussing you on the screenshots is spectacularly missing an opportunity to help your brother.

beastlyslumber · 18/12/2021 13:06

If she "accidentally" saw a message (how?) then why didn't she say to him at the time, what's this bruv? And opened a conversation about it. Snooping and screenshotting is awful, and I would be really angry if someone did that to me. He's talking to a charity because he doesn't want to talk to his sisters - he has his reasons for that.

I would stay out of it. He's taking care of his mental health by talking to the organisation/individuals he feels comfortable talking to. You could open a general MH conversation and let him know that you would be a 'safe' person to confide in if he wanted to. But I think you should tell your sister to come clean to your brother, and apologise unreservedly for snooping in his phone when he is already obviously in such a vulnerable state of mind.

Hankunamatata · 18/12/2021 13:07

Crikey that's tricky BUT I would invade anyones privacy if it keeps them alive

beastlyslumber · 18/12/2021 13:11

To add to my previous comment: If I was feeling in such despair and found out a sibling had snooped and screenshotted such sensitive messages, and then shared them with others - I would never trust that person again. The only thing she can do now is come clean to him and apologise sincerely.

Maybe you need to speak to your brother and say that you've seen these messages. It would probably be better if he never finds out about the screenshots but if it does come out then it will be all of you who have betrayed him, not just your sister. How is he supposed to trust people enough to open up to them if this is how they treat him?

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 18/12/2021 13:24

Having lost people to suicide I'd be grateful to your sister and use it as a way to ask your brother how he is. I'd be direct - "Sue saw done messages on your phone whilst you were at the bar, sounds like you aren't in a good place and I want you to know I'm hear to talk to if you want".

Original poster
Bitamine · 18/12/2021 13:39

I don’t think I am going to tell him that I am aware of them and will definitely give him every avenue of help I can.

I don’t think it’s fair to say dsis has betrayed him though as she has only done out of love and concern.

OP posts:
Iguessyourestuckwithme · 18/12/2021 13:43

I'm suicidal.

My mother knew and told my sister

My mother didn't care but my sister never asked me if I was OK or mentioned it.

I judge her.

It is a lonely existence being in this place all I need is someone to really ask if I'm okay.

Original poster
Bitamine · 18/12/2021 14:12

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

I am sorry to read that

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 18/12/2021 14:41

Its a tricky one. Snooping and screenshotting and sharing private messages is usually the wrong thing to do but on this occasion, her actions might end up being the thing that ultimately saves his life.

The fact that he has contacted a charity means that he wants to get help and wants his mental health to get better. It is a positive sign that he has reached out to a charity.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2021 14:45

Your sister did right and I am actually quite astounded youd even remotely consider this appropriate “by the way Dsis snooped on your phone and has shown us some private messages you had with a charity, do you want to talk?” And can’t think of a logical way to deal with this without causing him pain by telling him that.

All your sister has done has told you the issue so you can see for yourselves, of course you don’t tell him, but you do use it so you can all try to support him without revealing it

This is not about whether your sister did right or wrong, it’s about your brother being suicidal.