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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dsis was wrong to do this

49 replies

Bitamine · 18/12/2021 11:47

My sister went out for a couple of drinks for Mad Friday with my brother last night. It turns out she left her phone at home and needed to message her boyfriend so she used his phone whilst he was queuing at the bar.

Whilst doing this she noticed some texts he has sent to a mental health charity. She has then screenshotted them (she says she has done it in a way he won’t know she has) and put them in a WhatsApp group that me, her and my other sister are in this morning. Her message says borrowed Dbros phone last night and saw these, feel devastated but we need to do something to get him help.

They are bad where he talks about feeling that his life is hopeless, wants to die and that no one would miss him if he was not here (categorically not true).

I have messaged back saying that whilst it’s painful to read, this is a massive invasion of his privacy and totally inappropriate. Our other sister has replied that the biggest killer of 20 year old men is suicide.

On the one hand I can see she has done it for the right reasons but it’s not as if he opened up to her to tell her he feels like this.

I just don’t see how we can say to him when we get together at Christmas,by the way Dsis snooped on your phone and has shown us some private messages you had with a charity, do you want to talk? I am worried about him having seen what he wrote so feel torn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bitamine · 18/12/2021 14:59

@Bluntness100

I was paraphrasing a summary of the conversation of course I would not say it directly like that.

OP posts:

kikot · 18/12/2021 16:24

I think your sister did the right thing. Your brother is struggling and surely his family can come together and help fix him. I wouldn’t mention it directly but tell him that you have noticed there is something wrong and you want to support him to overcome it.

Sally872 · 18/12/2021 16:38

Bigger picture is she knows. And most siblings who saw those kinds of messages would look.

I would not directly ask him about it but having this knowledge would make me more sympathetic/careful around him if he seems down or snappy. And I would try to make space for him to talk should he want to without saying I know anything.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 18/12/2021 16:41

Please forgive your sister, she had a shock whilst drinking and took direct action which may well save your brother, perhaps sober she would have handled it differently but she didn’t ignore it

Right now you need to focus on your brother, I’m not an expert in this area but I live with it daily. DH has attempted suicide twice which I’ve interrupted, DD. has had ideation since she was 7 and DS recently confessed low level ideation on his 18th birthday so I do get it

Allowing family to talk, checking in on them if they’re having a bad day and letting them know nothing comes before their health is important in our family

I have different approaches with each of them, DD likes a cat and chat, she’s quite open but has had a decade of therapy, DS likes a private chat when we’re driving home from school, DH has to be sat down non confrontationally with observations

Think about the least confrontational way to approach it, but don’t leave it

Original poster

Bitamine · 18/12/2021 17:16

I am not angry with her and I do understand why she did it but I don’t think sharing the messages was the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 18/12/2021 17:21

You don't have to mention the texts your sister saw to check in with him and make sure he knows he is loved. Use any 'in' you can think of - an anecdote, an article on male suicide, whatever. Use that as the basis for opening a conversation.

Corbally · 18/12/2021 17:28

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

I'm suicidal.

My mother knew and told my sister

My mother didn't care but my sister never asked me if I was OK or mentioned it.

I judge her.

It is a lonely existence being in this place all I need is someone to really ask if I'm okay.

But why not tell your sister yourself and let her know you’d actively welcome concern?

Best wishes, @Iguessyourestuckwithme.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 18/12/2021 17:32

Because if I had an inkling anyone whether I knew them or not was feeling suicidal I'd bloody talk to them and not wait for them to find the courage to ask for help.

If you know someone is suicidal and you don't talk to them you've shown exactly where your priorities are and they will not be asking you or speaking to you about anything like that ever again.

Corbally · 18/12/2021 17:40

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

Because if I had an inkling anyone whether I knew them or not was feeling suicidal I'd bloody talk to them and not wait for them to find the courage to ask for help.

If you know someone is suicidal and you don't talk to them you've shown exactly where your priorities are and they will not be asking you or speaking to you about anything like that ever again.

Or, alternatively, you’ve shown that you’re afraid to bring it up, have no idea what to do, are worried your mother has got it wrong, that a well-meant call might seem intrusive and push someone fragile over the edge?

FreeBritnee · 18/12/2021 17:43

I can see your point OP. It’s a huge invasion of privacy to screenshot deeply troubling/personal messages and share them about, even if the intention was a pure one. I imagine you’re also very concerned that if he found out she had done that it could be enough to push him further into the abyss.

Personally I’d want those messages deleted off the group and off the phones. Then you could decide together how you are going to approach him but I’d suggest keeping to the party line of your sister seeing the messages and telling you and your sister the contents. Does he have a good relationship with your parents?

StripeyDeckchair · 18/12/2021 17:43

I think what she did is a gross intrusion into you brothers privacy. She didn't "just happen" to see them, she was snooping on his phone.

Screenshotting and sharing them is unforgivable IMO. In your brothers shoes I would be livid, hurt and cut off that sibling for a long time. I'd be pretty pissed off with the others too.

Her behaviour is so damaging.

rrhuth · 18/12/2021 17:46

@Bitamine

I am not angry with her and I do understand why she did it but I don’t think sharing the messages was the right thing to do.

Would you prefer to not know??

This whole thread is about your sister - but the real issue is what are you going to do about your brother?

Can you go to see him, and really ask how he is, talk to him and say you have been a bit worried and if he ever has any mental health concerns you would want to help him. You don't have to say you saw the messages to tell him you are worried.

Your DSis is correct that suicide is a risk for young men his age, I have had serious talks with my children about this risk and told them they can phone me any time if they have any feelings around this. You have to name it and get it out there.

You could tell him you would miss him so much if he were not here.

Just start a conversation.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2021 17:47

I don't think he should ever know that she took a screenshot and shared the messages. Is she sure she deleted them from his phone? If he's depressed that could make him even worse.

beastlyslumber · 18/12/2021 17:53

@StripeyDeckchair

I think what she did is a gross intrusion into you brothers privacy. She didn't "just happen" to see them, she was snooping on his phone.

Screenshotting and sharing them is unforgivable IMO. In your brothers shoes I would be livid, hurt and cut off that sibling for a long time. I'd be pretty pissed off with the others too.

Her behaviour is so damaging.

I agree with this. And also I just don't get it. If I accidentally saw a message like that (can't understand how that could happen but whatever) on a sibling's or friend's phone, I'd immediately be apologising. "Sorry, I'm sure I wasn't meant to see that! Is everything okay though?"

The whole reading all the messages, then screenshotting them and sharing them with others (out of "concern") is hard to understand. Unless she genuinely has no understanding of boundaries/appropriate behaviour? Is the family dynamic like this - with the brother being on the outside? It did strike me as a bit weird that you've got a family chat he's not part of.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2021 17:53

Screenshotting the messages was a horrible invasion of his privacy.

That being said, now that you all know he's struggling you can try and help him without letting him know she did this. General conversation about him 'seeming down' and offering support may hopefully open him up. Learn the warning signs for people contemplating suicide and keep your eyes and ears open.

Thankfully, it looks as though he's reaching out if he's messaging a MH charity.

Original poster

Bitamine · 18/12/2021 18:25

I agree my brother is the priority and I have asked to meet up with him tomorrow.

My brother is very much part of the family and much loved although I don’t think our parents have always treated him fairly relative to us and I have voiced this to them.He’s not on the outside of the family from any of mine or my sisters perspectives though.

OP posts:

ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut · 19/12/2021 11:40

@Iguessyourestuckwithme are you doing okay now? I think sometimes people like your sister don't address these things because they don't know what to say or are scared to make a situation worse.

Op I agree the screenshots were not the right move but it is good that you know. Have you noticed any changes with your brother recently? Could you just address it that way and say you noticed he has been quiet/seemed off/whatever and ask if he is okay or wants to talk? It is good that he has family who are looking out for him even if not necessarily his parents.

SpilltheTea · 19/12/2021 11:48

The screenshots are completely out of order, let alone reading his private messages. He's clearly capable of reaching out for support without her intervention.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/12/2021 11:50

I wouldn't like her copying the messages, that's an invasion of privacy, but it's done now. Telling you all that he's in a bad way is of course the right thing to do however, to try to help him. Meet him, talk to him, ask him if he's ok and try to support him. You could try contacting MIND for advice: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/. I hope he's ok. X

Avaynia · 19/12/2021 12:30

If I were him the last thing I’d feel was supported or loved by that invasion of privacy. I think it would be a million times worse if he found out what happened later down the line rather than now. And all of you suddenly being invested in his mental health might make him suspicious. I think showing him respect and taking him seriously rather than trying to find a way to trick him with a non-sequitur. Don’t conspire about how to manage him behind his back.

I can understand being worried and wanting to help. I’ve been suicidal. I’ve had friends who have been suicidal. Being told people care and they love you never made any difference. Working with a professional did. It’s tricky and easy to feel helpless. It’s also easy to say the wrong thing because depression is by nature irrational. Check on him, of course. Try to make a space that’s safe for him to walk into rather than hounding him or trying to force anything on him. But also know he didn’t tell you for a reason and he might not want to talk about it. He did reach out to someone and I think that’s encouraging. Just be careful that what you want for him doesn’t overtake the healing he’s trying to do for himself. It might not look the way you want or expect it to.

Kbyodjs · 19/12/2021 12:33

I don’t know about screen shotting it, not sure how she did it without him knowing but I don’t think it can be ignored or not spoken about just because she was wrong to snoop. He may be upset but it’s better he’s upset than feeling totally on his own with these feelings

Norta · 20/12/2021 10:21

Did you meet up with your brother OP?

RedHelenB · 20/12/2021 11:17

I understand why she did it so you could all see exactly whathe said and nothing got lost in the telling. Having known all too many young people take their lives I say she's nbu and you need to have a serious talk to your bother right away, have a look for support groups in the area etc and convince him to see a Dr.

Hemingwayscatz · 20/12/2021 11:29

The screenshots are out of order as most others have said, I don’t blame her for feeling concerned and wanting to help though. It’s a tricky one to broach because you don’t want to push him away but he clearly needs some support. I wouldn’t say she sent screenshots, I’d just say she noticed some messages to said charity when she used his phone and ask if he’s ok. It may open some dialogue between you and could help him feel less isolated.

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