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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to MIL's on Christmas day?

52 replies

FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:03

Disclaimer - I love MIL and get on with her well.

We had planned to go to hers on Christmas day. She likes it if we do...it would be me, DH and two teen DDs.

We tend to go there and spend the day...she enjoys it and always asks though we've asked if she'd like to do it at ours but she's adamant. She's a fit 70 year old who works part time and plays sports...not doddery at all so we go and because we're in Australia, it's a very relaxed BBQ day and we bring some fish and meat/salads too.

Anyway...speaking to MIL yesterday about what I can bring and towards the end of the conversation she threw in "Oh and we're all going to head to SILs afterwards because they've got air con"

SIL lives with FIL in his house with her little boy, our nephew. Usually, SIL and FIL would also spend the day at MILs...MIL and FIL are separated but great mates and just live in their own closeby houses.

It might not seem a big deal to you...but I just do NOT want to spend half of our Christmas day at SIL's and neither does DH.

We love FIL but SIL is difficult. She's bossy, rude, entitled, grabby and sometimes downright mean.

She bosses FIL around in his own home...she's sort of taken over it and that pisses us off a bit because we don't like seeing FIL get bossed.

It changes the whole day. We're all very comfortable at MILs...it's like a home from home but not at SILs and FILs home. We don't feel comfy there.

And it's like DH said "When has MIL cared about aircon anyway!?" she's never got it because she's old-school, used to the heat and won't pay though she could afford it...it feels more like SIL is trying to take over the whole thing.

I don't particularly want to drive an hour to MILs, eat and then have to change houses! There's no relaxation in that.

DH thinks we should cancel....I feel sorry for MIL though and am torn. The only option we can think of bar cancelling is just to leave after food which seems rude.

OP posts:
JustBkind · 18/12/2021 08:08

The best thing to do would be to explain all of this to MIL. Tell her how you feel and that you don’t want to go to SIL’s house and see what she says. It may be that she agrees not to go too and everything is sorted!

MattHancocksSexTape · 18/12/2021 08:10

Yep - talk to MIL and say that you aren’t going to SILs, and ask what she suggests.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:11

@JustBkind

The best thing to do would be to explain all of this to MIL. Tell her how you feel and that you don’t want to go to SIL’s house and see what she says. It may be that she agrees not to go too and everything is sorted!
Thanks, I don't think so though. MIL is always slightly scared of SIL and she'll do what she thinks will keep her happy. But I won't! Dh is going to call MIL to try to clarify because it was unclear how MIL put it to me yesterday. She sort of made it sound like the SIL changeover would be after lunch but it wasn't THAT clear....I don't want to turn up and discover we're meant to be eating at SIL's too. Not at all! DH is thinking we should eat and run...just not go to SIls. What do you think?
OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/12/2021 08:12

Why wouldn’t you just talk to her to tell her how you feel??

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/12/2021 08:13

Or yes, stay at your mil until they trot off to sil.

Toastmost · 18/12/2021 08:13

I'd just leave after food, say you would love to see her (which sounds like it's true) but are excited to have the afternoon just yourselves so think this would be a perfect balance. It would be a shame not to see her, but also no don't go to SILs if you don't want to either.

IgneousRock · 18/12/2021 08:14

Yep - eat and run.

alienbaby · 18/12/2021 08:14

Well in MN Land you should do exactly what you want, live your best life and not do anything that even slightly puts you out.

In my world, christmas sometimes involves relatives that can be a pain in the ass and families are rarely all butterflies and Rose's so I voted YABU as in go to MIL, have a nice time, get a bit drunk and then just deal with your SIL for 2 or 3 hours.

Now you have got your DH on the case ringing his mother etc it just sounds like hard work.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:15

@ThroughThickAndThin01

Why wouldn’t you just talk to her to tell her how you feel??
Because she's very sensitive and a worrier. I just don't want to worry her...DH is basically going to ask MIL if we're eating at hers or at SILs. Then if she says SIL's, he'll have to come out and say we don't want to.

I think, typing all this out that if MIL wants to go to SILs after lunch that's fine....but we won't be. It's ok.....SIL probably doesn't want us anyway and might know that we won't go. It's probably deliberate.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:17

@alienbaby

Well in MN Land you should do exactly what you want, live your best life and not do anything that even slightly puts you out.

In my world, christmas sometimes involves relatives that can be a pain in the ass and families are rarely all butterflies and Rose's so I voted YABU as in go to MIL, have a nice time, get a bit drunk and then just deal with your SIL for 2 or 3 hours.

Now you have got your DH on the case ringing his mother etc it just sounds like hard work.

I haven't "Got him on the case". He suggested calling MIl. and I just don't want to go to SIL's. It's terrible there....we're happy to go to MIL's, eat and be with SIL and FIL there, it's easier to avoid her at MILs but at her own house I won't be able to! I won't be able to get a bloody glass of water without her getting involved.
OP posts:
legosnowqueen · 18/12/2021 08:17

Lunch at MILs then heading home sounds perfect Smile

yoyo1234 · 18/12/2021 08:18

Can you see how it goes this year? Could MIL have started being a bit more sensitive to the heat? May be your nephew wants to spend the day in the house where his new presents may be?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:18

@legosnowqueen

Lunch at MILs then heading home sounds perfect Smile
Doesn't sound rude to you then? If people think it's ok and we're definitely eating at MILs then we'll do that. SIL's house is like visiting a bloody crematorium. It's not even her house! She's bossy and rude and shouts at FIL all the time....acts exasperated with him etc.
OP posts:
Toastmost · 18/12/2021 08:19

@alienbaby

Well in MN Land you should do exactly what you want, live your best life and not do anything that even slightly puts you out.

In my world, christmas sometimes involves relatives that can be a pain in the ass and families are rarely all butterflies and Rose's so I voted YABU as in go to MIL, have a nice time, get a bit drunk and then just deal with your SIL for 2 or 3 hours.

Now you have got your DH on the case ringing his mother etc it just sounds like hard work.

No one has to martyr themselves though, I remember last year people were saying phew a good excuse not to see x, y or z- but they could have grown a backbone long before lockdown and celebrated Christmas how they wanted.
ApolloandDaphne · 18/12/2021 08:19

It definitely depends where you are eating. If at MILs then eat and go home when she wants to go to SIL/FIL. If not then suggest she goes and spends the day with them and you can have a relaxed day at home.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:20

@yoyo1234

Can you see how it goes this year? Could MIL have started being a bit more sensitive to the heat? May be your nephew wants to spend the day in the house where his new presents may be?
It's certainly possible that MIL has been finding the heat more bother...though if that were true then why hasn't she got aircon installed? She's more than enough money. As for my nephew...well my kids would like to spend the day in their house too! He's young though and might be less inclined to wait...but they could bring them to MIL's anyway...it's only over the road. Anyway...I won't be seeing how it goes at all. If MIL wants to go there every year that's absolutely fine....but we certainly won't be.
OP posts:
alienbaby · 18/12/2021 08:21

SIL's house is like visiting a bloody crematorium
?????!

Why are you that outraged on your FILs behalf though, if it's his house then if he had a problem with SIL he would kick her out? Maybe he secretly enjoys it?

LakieLady · 18/12/2021 08:22

Go to MIL's and when they show signs of decamping to SIL's, develop what my friend calls a "diplomatic headache" of such severity you have to go home.

Even more plausible if you're a migraine sufferer. It's enabled me an early exit from many a ghastly event.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:23

@ApolloandDaphne

It definitely depends where you are eating. If at MILs then eat and go home when she wants to go to SIL/FIL. If not then suggest she goes and spends the day with them and you can have a relaxed day at home.
Yes...plan. I'm absolutely resolute that I won't spend the day...or even half a day at SIL's. It's like ....I don't know...it's like visiting a stranger's house somehow! If DH was really keen then I'd probably suck it up but he's absolutely not into the idea either as he has a tricky relationship with SIL...everyone does!
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:23

@alienbaby

SIL's house is like visiting a bloody crematorium ?????!

Why are you that outraged on your FILs behalf though, if it's his house then if he had a problem with SIL he would kick her out? Maybe he secretly enjoys it?

We worry about FIL a fair bit. He won't kick her out...she's a lone parent on a tiny income.
OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 18/12/2021 08:24

@alienbaby

Well in MN Land you should do exactly what you want, live your best life and not do anything that even slightly puts you out.

In my world, christmas sometimes involves relatives that can be a pain in the ass and families are rarely all butterflies and Rose's so I voted YABU as in go to MIL, have a nice time, get a bit drunk and then just deal with your SIL for 2 or 3 hours.

Now you have got your DH on the case ringing his mother etc it just sounds like hard work.

See honestly my real life experience is the exact opposite. Noone I know feels obligation to go somewhere with someone unpleasant or feelingb uncomfortable. They just say no and something along the lines of sorry we can't but have a nice time.

I honestly only ever see the idea that you go and put up with family members who are difficult on MN.

I agree families are rarely all happy and fluffy but mostly those situations just don't engage in my world.

OP I think its completely reasonable to eat at MIL and just don't go to SIL afterwards.

PotteringAlong · 18/12/2021 08:24

Well if your kids want to spend the day at your house why on earth are you going to MiL’s at all?! Tell her to come to your house where your kids presents are and let them enjoy Christmas in their own home!

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:24

@LakieLady

Go to MIL's and when they show signs of decamping to SIL's, develop what my friend calls a "diplomatic headache" of such severity you have to go home.

Even more plausible if you're a migraine sufferer. It's enabled me an early exit from many a ghastly event.

Oh I won't bother! I'll just say "Well, we're off now! Lovely lunch thank you!" and do the washing up and go!
OP posts:
alienbaby · 18/12/2021 08:25

Set an alarm on your phone that goes off after you've eaten. Take out your phone, frowning, and them scrape back your chair with horror, explaining that you have just received your PCR test result and you're positive

SinoohXaenaHide · 18/12/2021 08:26

I think it's perfectly legitimate to say you really want to stay put in one house on Christmas Day and won't feel that you can relax and enjoy lunch if you know you are going to be driving elsewhere afterwards. Don't make it specifically about SIL but do say to MIL that her plan doesn't work for you but if she would like to come to your for lunch on Christmas Day then she can go on to see FIL and SIL afterwards while you anf DH stay put.