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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to MIL's on Christmas day?

52 replies

FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:03

Disclaimer - I love MIL and get on with her well.

We had planned to go to hers on Christmas day. She likes it if we do...it would be me, DH and two teen DDs.

We tend to go there and spend the day...she enjoys it and always asks though we've asked if she'd like to do it at ours but she's adamant. She's a fit 70 year old who works part time and plays sports...not doddery at all so we go and because we're in Australia, it's a very relaxed BBQ day and we bring some fish and meat/salads too.

Anyway...speaking to MIL yesterday about what I can bring and towards the end of the conversation she threw in "Oh and we're all going to head to SILs afterwards because they've got air con"

SIL lives with FIL in his house with her little boy, our nephew. Usually, SIL and FIL would also spend the day at MILs...MIL and FIL are separated but great mates and just live in their own closeby houses.

It might not seem a big deal to you...but I just do NOT want to spend half of our Christmas day at SIL's and neither does DH.

We love FIL but SIL is difficult. She's bossy, rude, entitled, grabby and sometimes downright mean.

She bosses FIL around in his own home...she's sort of taken over it and that pisses us off a bit because we don't like seeing FIL get bossed.

It changes the whole day. We're all very comfortable at MILs...it's like a home from home but not at SILs and FILs home. We don't feel comfy there.

And it's like DH said "When has MIL cared about aircon anyway!?" she's never got it because she's old-school, used to the heat and won't pay though she could afford it...it feels more like SIL is trying to take over the whole thing.

I don't particularly want to drive an hour to MILs, eat and then have to change houses! There's no relaxation in that.

DH thinks we should cancel....I feel sorry for MIL though and am torn. The only option we can think of bar cancelling is just to leave after food which seems rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:26

@PotteringAlong

Well if your kids want to spend the day at your house why on earth are you going to MiL’s at all?! Tell her to come to your house where your kids presents are and let them enjoy Christmas in their own home!
My kids are easy really but I suspect if pushed they'd stay home happily.
OP posts:
egglette · 18/12/2021 08:26

What do your DDs want to do? Will they just go with the flow or have they got a preference?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:27

@SinoohXaenaHide

I think it's perfectly legitimate to say you really want to stay put in one house on Christmas Day and won't feel that you can relax and enjoy lunch if you know you are going to be driving elsewhere afterwards. Don't make it specifically about SIL but do say to MIL that her plan doesn't work for you but if she would like to come to your for lunch on Christmas Day then she can go on to see FIL and SIL afterwards while you anf DH stay put.
Thanks. Can't really invite MIL to lunch at ours though as it's an hour's drive which is not something she enjoys doing. With notice, she could have spent the night before here...but it's not like she won't have a good day. She'll be with FIL and nephew etc and a neighbour often pops in for a drink in the afternoon too.
OP posts:
Cattitudes · 18/12/2021 08:31

Just say it seems such a shame to spend the summer indoors in the cold so you will come to MIL for lunch then head over to the beach/ park for the afternoon.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 08:45

@Cattitudes

Just say it seems such a shame to spend the summer indoors in the cold so you will come to MIL for lunch then head over to the beach/ park for the afternoon.
Good idea if MIL didn't already know we're all really beach averse during the summer! We're all very white and don't hang out on the beach or outdoors much at all!
OP posts:
diddl · 18/12/2021 09:01

I don't think it would be rude to leave after food if that's what you've been invited to MIL's for.

If she is going on elsewhere afterwards that doesn't mean that you have to.

Doesn't your husband want to see his Dad for a bit as well?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 09:19

@diddl

I don't think it would be rude to leave after food if that's what you've been invited to MIL's for.

If she is going on elsewhere afterwards that doesn't mean that you have to.

Doesn't your husband want to see his Dad for a bit as well?

That's the thing, FIL will be at MILs for food....IF that's where we're eating. They've always done the meal things there because it was the family home and it's much nicer than the other house.
OP posts:
diddl · 18/12/2021 09:36

Sounds as if the only thing then is to ask MIL exactly what is going on!

Is SIL usually not there for the meal then?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 10:23

@diddl

Sounds as if the only thing then is to ask MIL exactly what is going on!

Is SIL usually not there for the meal then?

Yes, SIL would usually be there...but it's somehow ok at MIL's because it's a big house and I feel more comfy there. It's sort of more neutral ground. I don't ever feel comfy at hers and neither does DH or DDs
OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2021 10:34

Just say it seems such a shame to spend the summer indoors in the cold so you will come to MIL for lunch then head over to the beach/ park for the afternoon.

Do you live in AustraliaConfused. Today was over 40degC here where I live in Sydney. Having the air con on is not ‘spending summer indoor in the cold’ you numpty, it’s the difference between being bearable or unbearable for most living in Australia. Unless the OP lives in Tassie or in Vic and Xmas Day is mild then I can absolutely understand why someone would prefer a house with air con in Dec in the event the weather is the same as today for instance (quite normal for Dec).

As to why people don’t- it’s common in the older generation. Even if they have the $$ it’s principle of the matter they don’t want sky high electricity bills that come with air con. The summer weather actually causes quite a few deaths each year in the elderly living at home refusing air con.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 10:36

@HoppingPavlova

Just say it seems such a shame to spend the summer indoors in the cold so you will come to MIL for lunch then head over to the beach/ park for the afternoon.

Do you live in AustraliaConfused. Today was over 40degC here where I live in Sydney. Having the air con on is not ‘spending summer indoor in the cold’ you numpty, it’s the difference between being bearable or unbearable for most living in Australia. Unless the OP lives in Tassie or in Vic and Xmas Day is mild then I can absolutely understand why someone would prefer a house with air con in Dec in the event the weather is the same as today for instance (quite normal for Dec).

As to why people don’t- it’s common in the older generation. Even if they have the $$ it’s principle of the matter they don’t want sky high electricity bills that come with air con. The summer weather actually causes quite a few deaths each year in the elderly living at home refusing air con.

Lol...yes but it's not even going to be that hot on Christmas day this year where we are. It's been hotter the last few days than it will on the big day and MIL is happily at home! You're quite right about "being at home in the cold" though...
OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2021 10:41

Maybe SIL gave MIL an ultimatum because previous years were unbearable. No idea, really depends where in Aus you are. We went to in-laws one Xmas. No air con. Hot as fuck. The house resembled a cave as they had every blind/curtain shut ‘to keep the heat out’ and by half way through the meal I thought I was going to pass out, excused myself and went and stood in their shower in my clothes, came back to the table and kept eating. I’m no stranger to heat, grew up with it and spent a few long stints working in the outback. That was a few decades ago pre-children. If it happened post children I just would have said it was unsuitable and left quickly even though we had to drive several hours to get there - at least the car has air con.

musicalfrog · 18/12/2021 10:41

Honestly it sounds like you're the one who's hard work not SIL. Half a day isn't a huge amount to ask surely, to keep the family together. Really selfish to put your wants over pretty much everyone else's.

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2021 10:49

Lol...yes but it's not even going to be that hot on Christmas day this year where we are. It's been hotter the last few days than it will on the big day

No idea what the LOL is for? Also no idea how you have a crystal ball for what ‘the big day’ is going to be like. When we were making plans for tomorrow 4 days ago the prediction was over 15 deg lower than the current prediction as of tonight. How do you know what Xmas day is going to be like, do you have some sort of hot line to God or psychic ability as predictions at this year are shit and wildly variable on a day to day basis. Or you are somewhere like Tassie, in which case the whole air con thing is mootHmm.

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2021 10:49

*this time of year

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 10:54

@musicalfrog

Honestly it sounds like you're the one who's hard work not SIL. Half a day isn't a huge amount to ask surely, to keep the family together. Really selfish to put your wants over pretty much everyone else's.
Nah...SIL's an utter nutcase and really awful company. I'm not spending my day there...not when none of my immediate family want to. Nothing selfish about it. Sensible more like.
OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 18/12/2021 11:00

Ultimately the arrangements that you agreed to have changed to something that doesn't suit yourselves.

I don't feel it's rude in this instance to still attend the bit you did agree to and leave the bits that were forced on you

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 11:02

It's Christmas - you should spent it how you like, your MIL will be with family either way so you don't need to worry about her.

As you say, get DH to find out where you are eating - if MILs come home after that, if SIL.. maybe just you and DH pop over to MIL for an hour in the AM - or if it's too far rearrange for boxing day. She might be annoyed but there you go.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 11:06

If it’s literally across the road, I think this is a fuss about nothing really? Go, have food, at the point either SIL or MIL say right, over to SIL’s say ‘I think we’ll be heading off soon actually so we’ll just clean up here and be off home’ and that’s that,

CharSiu · 18/12/2021 11:40

I have a SIL that is awful company, I wish it was not like that. I also have two SIL who are fab, none of them live close by. Unfortunately the awful one is DH sister which makes it much harder as it’s his sibling. Even her own Mother says she is difficult and she has made MIL cry many times.

I have no answer but you have my sympathy.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/12/2021 11:45

@CharSiu

I have a SIL that is awful company, I wish it was not like that. I also have two SIL who are fab, none of them live close by. Unfortunately the awful one is DH sister which makes it much harder as it’s his sibling. Even her own Mother says she is difficult and she has made MIL cry many times.

I have no answer but you have my sympathy.

It's terrible isn't it! I remember when I first met her...I was hoping for some friendship as I was new to the country but I got none...obviously she doesn't have to be mates with me but it would have been nice!

After 18 years, obviously I'm under no illusions ....

OP posts:
MzHz · 18/12/2021 12:02

DH thinks we should cancel

Respect this. He gets to decide and you know he’s right. He’s not making that decision lightly.

fenulla · 18/12/2021 12:16

Cancel
Just politely decline

ItsQwismas · 18/12/2021 12:45

@alienbaby

Well in MN Land you should do exactly what you want, live your best life and not do anything that even slightly puts you out.

In my world, christmas sometimes involves relatives that can be a pain in the ass and families are rarely all butterflies and Rose's so I voted YABU as in go to MIL, have a nice time, get a bit drunk and then just deal with your SIL for 2 or 3 hours.

Now you have got your DH on the case ringing his mother etc it just sounds like hard work.

Exactly this!
Cattitudes · 18/12/2021 12:55

@HoppingPavlova

Just say it seems such a shame to spend the summer indoors in the cold so you will come to MIL for lunch then head over to the beach/ park for the afternoon.

Do you live in AustraliaConfused. Today was over 40degC here where I live in Sydney. Having the air con on is not ‘spending summer indoor in the cold’ you numpty, it’s the difference between being bearable or unbearable for most living in Australia. Unless the OP lives in Tassie or in Vic and Xmas Day is mild then I can absolutely understand why someone would prefer a house with air con in Dec in the event the weather is the same as today for instance (quite normal for Dec).

As to why people don’t- it’s common in the older generation. Even if they have the $$ it’s principle of the matter they don’t want sky high electricity bills that come with air con. The summer weather actually causes quite a few deaths each year in the elderly living at home refusing air con.

It's not about what the OP ends up doing, it's about that being one of the things that differentiates between Christmas at MIL and Christmas at SIL. OP is happy to spend the whole day with the same people at MIL so if she doesn't want to say 'actually I don't like being at your house SIL because you are controlling' she can say oh don't want to be in aircon all afternoon. Then she can disappear home to her own home and turn aircon up full and chill out to her hearts content.