Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he's "left the wife at home tonight, she wont mind" is bad enough but....

31 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2021 23:24

....it's worse when a) she aint the wife and b) it aint her home?!

For the 4th weekend running (EOW) that have come to stay with him he has said he doesnt want to go to the pub and then does. Then he says we'll have a couple and go....then "You go if you want to and I be there in about an hour".....this was at 7.30.

He isnt a massive drinker at all, he can take it or leave it so that isnt an issue, it really isnt about the drinking. But he does have a thing about getting chatting with people and being (as he puts it) "sociable". As an introvert who is happy to put her years in hospitality behind her, I struggle with this. Lockdown was perfect for me but I think that the opening up in the last few months has highlighted how different we are.

AIBU to just call it day? I dont think I am but as a previous victim of DV and EA I struggle to call it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/12/2021 23:27

Call it a day. You have fallen for another knob.

Have you done the freedom programme?

User2638483 · 17/12/2021 23:29

So you go to stay with him… he goes to the pub which you’re not keen on, he suggests you go back and he’ll be back in an hour and isn’t back in 4 hours? So you’ve travelled to see him and end up sitting alone at his?
Yeah…. It’s not great is it ☹️

Stuckhere2021 · 17/12/2021 23:29

You sound very unhappy OP therefore YANBU to call it a day. However ….. I can’t really decipher your post!!

JuneOsborne · 17/12/2021 23:31

So, he's ditched you for socialising in the pub, having got you over on the pretence he doesn't want to go to the pub. And now you're at his house waiting for him to get back?

If that's all correct, fuck that. Go home. It's no way to be treated. It doesn't need to be abusive for it to be something you don't accept.

Tell him, I'm sorry, but my self respect had a word with me and i related they were right. Now you can pretend you don't want to go to the pub, but go to the pub all you like. Bye.

Serenschintte · 17/12/2021 23:32

Op what would you say if it was a friend of yours in this situation? Is this man excited to spend time with you? Do you enjoy conversation and have a fun time?
It’s ok to stop a relationship because you are not having a nice time.
Frankly he doesn’t sound like much fun. Maybe time to move on.

Pinkypenguin · 17/12/2021 23:35

It really doesn't sound great. If he can't make you feel special every other weekend then he's not much of a catch, really.

My DH has prioritised his mates throughout our marriage and it was a constant battle to make him give me some attention from time to time.

Now I don't care any more but I do think it's seriously damaged our marriage and my self esteem. Unless he's got some serious redeeming qualities, I would give this one up.

I would never go for that kind of man again.

ImmutableSexQueen · 17/12/2021 23:38

Go home. Don't hang around to be his sex aid when he comes in from an evening with his friends.

LawnFever · 17/12/2021 23:44

What an arse, who invites someone round then goes to the pub and leaves them at home??

OP, can you just go home? If you can I’d just get your stuff together and head home now.

His behaviour is disrespectful and rude, you’re better than sitting about waiting for him to come back, sod that.

AnotherMansCause · 17/12/2021 23:44

Get rid. Find someone who you have more in common with.

I would find it hard to be attracted to someone who wants to spend most of their weekend evenings down the pub as well. Especially when he can't even be honest about it. I'm not criticising people who do, but, it needs to be something you enjoy doing together. And you don't.

madisonbridges · 17/12/2021 23:48

You don't seem compatible over socialising. But even if you were, if you don't feel it's going in the right direction, you can call time on the relationship whenever you want. You have to kiss a lot of toads...and all that.

Ariann · 17/12/2021 23:51

You aren't compatible at all and you will never be happy together because you have fundamentally different needs.

thatsallineed · 18/12/2021 00:07

You are wasting your time. Dump him.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:14

@User2638483

So you go to stay with him… he goes to the pub which you’re not keen on, he suggests you go back and he’ll be back in an hour and isn’t back in 4 hours? So you’ve travelled to see him and end up sitting alone at his? Yeah…. It’s not great is it ☹️
Yeah...this.

I am home. My car is at his but I have my keys so I can get a taxi to pick it up tomorrow.

One day I will wake up and realise that I am worth more than being taken for granted. Thank you

OP posts:
LawnFever · 18/12/2021 00:18

Good for you OP, totally the right choice to go home, don’t give him any more of your time or energy.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:21

THank you all......quite tearful (ok, understatement...crying a lot) but I know you are right. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:27

I think I have to heighten my expectations dont I? They have been so low for so long I dont think I know my worth.

OP posts:
Phoenix76 · 18/12/2021 00:29

Don’t even think about blaming yourself for any of this. I had a habit of attracting these kinds but after a long time I found a decent one. Please know, this isn’t a reflection on you but it most definitely is one on him. Be very proud of yourself right now, you are 100% worth more than that and you have proved it tonight. It’s another day, it can be your day.

He needed you more than you needed him, free yourself!

WonderfulYou · 18/12/2021 00:33

Have you spoken to him about this?
Why not try next time saying no let’s not go to the pub tonight.

If this was a one off I’d probably let it slide but I’d be really annoyed if this kept happening. Surely he wants to spend time with you and he can go to the pub anytime.
It may just be that you aren’t compatible.

How long have you been together? Did you meet in lockdown?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:36

What you accept is what people will assume you are worth. And I have accepted far less than I am worth, I can see that now.

Thank you all for your kind words x

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:42

@WonderfulYou

Have you spoken to him about this? Why not try next time saying no let’s not go to the pub tonight.

If this was a one off I’d probably let it slide but I’d be really annoyed if this kept happening. Surely he wants to spend time with you and he can go to the pub anytime.
It may just be that you aren’t compatible.

How long have you been together? Did you meet in lockdown?

I have.

He messaged me saying that he is skint so this weekend would probably be staying and him watching TV and me reading my paper ..... my idea of heaven!

So I went up and suddenly he had money for the pub and I was "home" alone. He doesnt go to the pub often (has kids, never goes when they are with him and rarely during the working week) so I took him at his word.

Every single time I say "Lets stay "home" (his home) he says yes but it ends up with him socialising somewhere and me at his on my own. I think he wants me to go and see him for sex and fuck all else to be perfectly honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2021 00:43

I am having a stream of consciousness (sp?) and I have realised that all of this is all about sex

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 18/12/2021 00:43

You don't need to stay with someone, just because they aren't actually unpleasant to you.
You can end a relationship because it's frankly boring and not what you want.
Some women might find a sociable extrovert who loves the pub "their ideal man". Let him find one.
He's not right for you.

KloppsTeeth · 18/12/2021 00:53

@PyongyangKipperbang Flowers You deserve to be happy.

HellonHeels · 18/12/2021 01:00

He's so rude to do that! And boring AF. You deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

Hope you're OK, it's hurtful and upsetting to see things as they.really are. Flowers

MostlyGuesswork · 18/12/2021 01:14

It does sound as if part of his enjoyment in the night out at the pub is knowing that you/someone will be waiting for him when he gets back. I'm so glad you thought 'sod this' and went home!

This relationship has lost any sparkle it once had. Time to move on, imo.

Swipe left for the next trending thread