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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to them coming for Christmas?

30 replies

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/12/2021 12:47

My friend's 'stepkids'

We're both immigrants so have a much closer friendship as we don't have family here in the country we live in. Friend would normally spends Christmas with us. She met a guy a few years ago and he came too in 2019 as his kids were with their mother. Last year everyone stayed home.

This year friend decided to go to her home country as she now has a baby, although she split from the dad last year. She now can't go as covid is kicking off again so is coming to ours like normal. Except this morning I got a text from her letting me know that her ex has his kids this Christmas so it'll be the 5 of them at mine. I messaged her back saying WTF? she's always welcome but he wasn't invited. She's just rung me and is really annoyed/upset as of course her ex wants to spend Christmas with his children. Great, let him crack on with it. But not at my house and at my expense.

I'll be honest, pre covid I would probably have agreed to it as we always had lots of extras for Christmas (30-40 people) but things are different now. Covid hasn't gone away and my adult DD is immunocompromised so unnecessary guests are a risk I'm not prepared to take. But also last Christmas with just me DH, DD and her partner and DS was lovely and we all agreed to drop all the add-ons and keep it to just us in future (friend being one of us).

AIBU? I feel really guilty now as excluding people at Christmas feels really bad, even when I have absolutely no intention of changing my mind.

OP posts:
ChangeChingyChange · 17/12/2021 12:50

Just say sorry its too many people for my daughter who's immuno compromised and I wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe it'll be nicer if we each have our own family Christmases? I.e she can be at home with partner and step kids and you can be at home with your family. Or as an alternative ask her for a contribution to the hosting I.e paying for some food, bringing drinks and dessert etc.

Fatgalslim · 17/12/2021 12:50

So she wants to bring along her ex and his kids? Fuck that, either she comes alone or she doesn't come

BigTD45 · 17/12/2021 12:53

I would just explain this to her and that you can't allow it. Do you always host?

Your friend seems like a CF for simply telling you who was coming rather than asking, covid or no covid.

Original poster
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/12/2021 12:53

I don't even understand why she wants to bring him. I think she has some fantasy co-parenting movie playing in her head. Reality is she can't bear him and there'll be constant bickering and she'll be miserable as sin.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 17/12/2021 12:54

I think from a covid pov it won't matter. She's socialising with them anyway, so the kids coming won't make a difference.
But you invited her so she wasn't alone for Christmas. She's not alone anymore. You don't have to have people you didn't invite and I doubt the step kids will really want to spend christmas at a strangers anyway.
You absolutely shouldn't have them if you don't want to.

SituationCritical · 17/12/2021 12:56

5 people at your expense?! Who are likely to piss each other off and argue? Haha, no thanks!

Original poster
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/12/2021 12:57

@BigTD45

I would just explain this to her and that you can't allow it. Do you always host?

Your friend seems like a CF for simply telling you who was coming rather than asking, covid or no covid.

To be fair to her in the 15 or so years before covid we did have a very relaxed, open house attitude to Christmas. Anyone who wanted to come was welcome so long as they let us know before the turkey was ordered. Which is why we often had a lot of people. Covid has changed that aspect.
OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 17/12/2021 12:57

Well done on closing this down straight away. Cheeky mare!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2021 13:00

Don't feel bad about it, your friend is being an entitled pain in the arse. I'm sure she and her ex and his children will have a lovely Christmas at hers. Or his. Wherever. Not your problem.

Original poster
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/12/2021 13:01

@SituationCritical

5 people at your expense?! Who are likely to piss each other off and argue? Haha, no thanks!
And they can argue about anything. I've witnessed it. They'd bicker about whether the kids had 5 sprouts on the plate or 4.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 13:09

Not sure why you’re being given suggestions for replies, you’ve said no, you’re right. She’s being crazy.

thepeopleversuswork · 17/12/2021 13:16

Yeah this is nuts. YANBU

BringUsSomeFrigginPudding · 17/12/2021 13:35

YANBU. Maybe she thought that having other adults would take the edge off being around her ex? Though from what you say, probably not!

Presumptuous of her to assume she could invite strangers to your house, regardless of your past large Christmas gatherings. She should still have asked, not told!

caketiger · 17/12/2021 13:39

Yanbu. Just say no

lanthanum · 17/12/2021 13:40

Totally reasonable to say that to protect your daughter you can't invite the children for Christmas.

You (hopefully) won't have the covid excuse in future years, but you've got more time before then to drip-feed how much you enjoy an adults-only Christmas - and maybe they'll discover that at home with the kids is good for them too.

Tirediam · 17/12/2021 13:49

YANBU.. Very cheeky of her to assume.

Chocolatehamper · 17/12/2021 13:52

I don't think I've seen a flat 100% YANBU before!! Tell her to jog on, if she wants to host him, let her - at her own place, not yours!

Elodeastar · 17/12/2021 13:54

Just say a firm no, you don't have to give reasons but if you feel you want to then just say it's too many people, in light of all that's happening just now! YANBU in any shape or form! :)

billy1966 · 17/12/2021 13:58

Complete CF OP.

Unbelievable in fact.

Let her crack on.

Beautiful3 · 17/12/2021 14:02

Friend was being massively unreasonable. You did the right thing. I don't understand why she'd want to bring the ex and step children?! Just, why? Genuine question.

Elieza · 17/12/2021 14:11

She can host her and him and his dc at her house. Problem solved.

She’s being a bit cheeky and disrespectful as this isn’t like years ago. It’s a pandemic and your daughter has health issues. You can’t just carry on as though covids not here. It is. Sadly.

She should be asking you not letting you know kind of thing. And if I were you I’d be refusing and telling her nicely to do her own thing with him for sure.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 14:17

Glad you said no. Is it possible they might turn up uninvited?

What is the plan for that? Will your door be locked?

Ellie56 · 17/12/2021 14:33

YANBU and 233 people so far say so. Just tell her it's too much of a risk for your daughter.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/12/2021 14:37

“Only you and baby are invited, DF. Please let me know if you are accepting for the two of you, or if you are going to spend it will them”

Or if you think she might just show up with them on the day add “as my Dd is immunocompromised, I won’t be able to host that many people. I’m letting you know now so you’ve all got plenty of time to buy food in. Because of dd’s condition I wouldn’t be able to let in an extra three people on the day.”

Original poster
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/12/2021 16:22

No she definitely won't bring them on the day now I've said no. She might be a bit daft and unthinking at times but she isn't completely out of her tree. Besides which, I'm at that point in life where I take no prisoners and she knows it. (Although I do still feel bad after the fact - something this thread is helping me come to terms with).

OP posts: