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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to murder exh?

51 replies

Jadetreesbringluck · 17/12/2021 10:14

I'm SO angry. Split 2 yrs ago living apart 1year. Trying to remain amicable & have manged so far due to my compassion & empathy (sounds wanky but it's true).

Back story is I left because he was lazy, detached, drinking too much, angry/shouty (no DV and always apologetic) depression that he wouldn't help himself with, constant 'sickness' , losing jobs, out of work etc..... the whole 14yrs we were together we lurched from one emergency to the other. Always promised things would be better and always a 'valid' reason at the time.

Since I left and live in my own place I have been so happy. My work is going brilliantly, I'm doing about 60-70hrs a week. I have saved over 8k!!

2 kids 8 & 10yrs. They have taken the split well and exdh did buck up his ideas re: parenting. He's still devastated that we split and still asks if we could ever get back together (Ha! No bloody way)

Long story short....when working he is a good earner but never has any money. Earns over 1000 a week but owes me 2. 5k from debt within the marriage. Owes me 1.6k in child maintenance arrears. Owes me over 500 for kids xmas. He promised them he'd get them a PS4 but so far no sign of it.

So last week my spider senses were tingling and I just knew he hadn't gone to work. Drove past his place & low & behold his car is there. That was Thursday. Checked again Friday....car still there. Sneakily asked how his week was when he came to collect kids for weekend and he said ya all good very busy etc....

Again had that feeling yday, low & behold he comes over at 4 to download some stuff as still has no WiFi (didn't pay bill so got cut off months ago) but had ordered sky broadband. Asked him why he was here (he works away mon-fri) and he said he came back that morning to meet sky guy even though I had agreed I'd let him in (have key to his flat). Told work he needed a personal day. Said he was going back very early this morning.

Roll on this morning....had the feeling again. Drove past his place and yip...car there again!!!!

He doesn't know that I know all this. I realise its not really my business anymore bur it kind of feels like it is because he Owes me a fortune at thus stage! And will no doubt be crying the poor mouth when it comes to CM & Xmas present payments to Me. Also doubt he can afford the much promised PS4 (again history or promising grandiose things and not delivering, )

I'm so so fed up. I know there is nothing i can do but I'm so angry! He will never change its pathetic. He's coming to stay Xmas eve & Xmas night as that's what we did last year and kids expect it this year and to be honest I will do whatever it takes for my kids to have a good Xmas. My son has asd/adhd and is very emotional and my daughter adores her dad. They know if he's not here with us he would literally be in his flat alone as he has no family, mother dead only child and no friends in this area.

What's my aibu? How do I mange Xmas without absolutely murdering him?

OP posts:
GotoutoftheUKphew · 17/12/2021 10:18

? This was very long but please stop driving past his place!

As long as he gives you an agreed amount every month, it’s up to him how he spends his time.

Also ‘murder’ is a horrible way to say you are annoyed with him. Do you know how many women actually do get murfrtef by their partners or ex-partners? It’s really nothing to joke about.

KittenCatcher · 17/12/2021 10:23

Take him to court over unpaid debts, stop driving past his house to check up on him.

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 17/12/2021 10:23

Fair enough. Wrong choice of words but did you read what I said he owes me so much! He's not paying every month he keeps saying he had a large bill/car broke down/taxed too much etc

He has paid NOTHING for Xmas and will now nor have any money again this week & next week as doesn't get paid unless he is actually working!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 10:27

Stop driving past his house! What are you thinking?

Stop lending him money or buying stuff for him, why have you spend £500 on his behalf for Christmas when he owes you for past debts and isn’t paying CM? You need to take some responsibility here, as much as he’s obviously a twat.

And don’t have him over for Christmas. The kids will understand. You need to properly separate, they know you’re not together anymore. Start alternating these events between you and don’t have him over if you hate him or are thinking violent thoughts. Your kids don’t need that shitty atmosphere at Christmas or any other day.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

He’s an adult, he needs to clean up his own messes. He needs to buy his own presents and face the consequences if he doesn’t. No one’s day will be ruined by no PS4, but it might be if mum and dad are at each other’s throats.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2021 10:28

Murder's pretty extreme if someone just owes you a couple of grand.

I agree with the others - stop driving past his house.
Also, just because his cars there it doesn't mean he is.

lastqueenofscotland · 17/12/2021 10:31

Honestly OP just take him to court for the money. Driving past his house is completely unhinged. Can you imagine the responses this post would get if you were saying he was driving past yours on a regular basis?!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 17/12/2021 10:33

no more sleepovers at yours !
Please try to ignore as much as you can for your own sanity .
I have the same with Ds dad
If all else fails ....I'll be your alibi if you'll be mine ??

HugeAckmansWife · 17/12/2021 10:33

Totally get it op but you need to detach more. Use cms, let them chase the money. Possibly a bit late to change plans for this year but make it clear its the last one together.. With plenty of warning the kids will be ok. Make it clear you will not bail him out, make up for missing ps4s etc. Write off the non cms debt.. Unbelievably galling but he's never going to pay it so unless you can get I transferred to him, just whack it on a 0% card and chip away at it.

MrsTimRiggins · 17/12/2021 10:35

Good grief. He sounds like a bit of a useless bastard, plenty of them about, but why are you stalking him?! You’re behaving in a very bizarre manner, keep driving past his house to check on him, that’s completely unacceptable behaviour.

caketiger · 17/12/2021 10:35

I suspect you won't get your money back. Write it off. Stop driving past. Make you own Xmas and birthday plans re gifts for DC. You left him so you don't have to deal with this. So don't!

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 17/12/2021 10:36

Lying to your face must drive you nuts op... But detach. Enjoy your dc. And try and start 2022 with doing things apart... The point of divorce is to get YOUR life how YOU want it.

Quartz2208 · 17/12/2021 10:37

First off you are not doing your children any favours by having him here for Christmas - there is clearly still an underlying expectation that you may get back together that you need to be very clear and firm with boundaries. Yes they maybe sad but you do need to make it clearly defined.

Stop him coming over and give him back his key. Detach is the way forward.

I think you also need to write off the marriage debt as well. How is CM paid?

BornIn78 · 17/12/2021 10:40

Go through the CMS for the money, he’s had his chance, stop giving him more chances.

Double3xposure · 17/12/2021 10:40

I understand why you are so angry with him. But you are WAY too involved -It’s been a year and you seriously need to detach.

You seem to confuse “ amicable “ with being his friend. You are clearly not friends because friends don’t steal money from each other and he is stealing from you and your children.

Give him back the key to his house.

Don’t do errands for him.

Stop buying gifts from him ( I’m assuming they are joint gifts ) .

Stop asking him about his work.

Don’t let him him in your house to down load things or for any other reason. Your kids are old enough to walk up and down your path themselves.

And yes pursue him legally / through CSA for the money.

AuntieStella · 17/12/2021 10:41

If you are not yet divorced, presumably there has been no financial settlement yet? I hope you have kept very careful records of how your finances have been separate since the date of the definite split.

How to get through Xmas: getting out of the house - walks, playing fields etc can really help break up the days. As can going to a nice family service with carols on Christmas morning (even if you never go to church at other times, that one can be nice) or to a midnight mass (which might be much earlier than actual midnight) Or, as Christmas is a Saturday, do a parkrun.

Double3xposure · 17/12/2021 10:42

Oh and yes, tell him he’s not coming for Christmas. Who cares if he’s alone - it’s not your problem.

You can send the kids to his on Christmas Eve and they can spend Christmas Day with you ( without him ).

If they adore him so much they will be happy with that.

Justcallmebebes · 17/12/2021 10:43

He's a cock lodging, deadbeat but for your own sanity, learn to detach from him. It's his responsibility to maintain a relationship with his kids, not up to you to facilitate it.

And stop lending him money

Aprilx · 17/12/2021 10:47

It sounds like you have done well to move on. But you are really weird to keep driving past his house, you are spying on him, stalking him.

I can’t say I believe in “debts within the marriage”. You were married, your assets and debts were shared ones. Obviously that does not extend to what he owes you now for childcare or whatever else.

He is not your husband any more, you need to detach further.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2021 10:49

Sounds to me like he’s lost his job…

Don’t lend him money for Christmas or any other matter.

Expect the CM but don’t be surprised it’s not forthcoming.

Stop getting involved, in short.

madisonbridges · 17/12/2021 10:50

You can't get him to pay to feed his own children, but you think he's going give you £500 for one years Christmas present? It doesn't matter what his earning potential is, it only matters what his actual earnings are. And he clearly doesn't earn enough to spend £500 on his children plus another £250 on a ps4. If that's his share of Christmas, it means you're spending £750 on each of your children, when he can't even put food on the table. I mean that's just crazy.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 10:54

Go via cms for the child maint, they will take it out at source

Go to a solicitor and sort out the unpaid debts.

If he promises the dc a PS4, then it's on him to get it. Stop him using your broadband, infact stop helping him at all. You're still enabling his shitty behaviour.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2021 10:57

You can’t buy joint Christmas presents - he’s your ex now.

You pay what you can afford on Christmas presents, he pays what he can afford - and does the legwork in shopping & wrapping.

Stop enabling him.

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 17/12/2021 10:57

Just to clarify I'm not quite crazy stalker...he lives in the next village on the way to the bigger town where kids go to school etc.. I was going that way to drop the dog at dog minders as I am taking the kids away for the night to Xmas markets. Yay

Also we agreed re Xmas presents and it's the usual amount we would spend. I can afford to cover this no problem. As I said my money issues disappeared when i left him.

Definitely too late change Xmas plans this year but you are all right it will not happen next year.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 17/12/2021 10:59

Okay I h detest and wanting him to be there at Xmas but what I would do now is stay Xmas eve and Prep the kids that daddy will either
1 leave after lunch or
2 put them to bed and leave so won’t be there when they wake up on Boxing Day
They might protest a little but stay firm say he’s busy and be firm with him too say it’s that or nothing his choice of the two
Chase him through legal means for the money

LittleMysSister · 17/12/2021 10:59

Tbh OP you sound way too enmeshed still.

You need to go via CMS to get what you're entitled to for your children, and stop driving past his house or caring whether he's at work or not. He will do what he's going to do regardless of you prodding him.

You probably need to give up on the money he owes you, you won't get it. Don't lend him money again.

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