AIBU to want to murder exh?

[Jadetreesbringluck]

I'm SO angry. Split 2 yrs ago living apart 1year. Trying to remain amicable & have manged so far due to my compassion & empathy (sounds wanky but it's true).

Back story is I left because he was lazy, detached, drinking too much, angry/shouty (no DV and always apologetic) depression that he wouldn't help himself with, constant 'sickness' , losing jobs, out of work etc..... the whole 14yrs we were together we lurched from one emergency to the other. Always promised things would be better and always a 'valid' reason at the time.

Since I left and live in my own place I have been so happy. My work is going brilliantly, I'm doing about 60-70hrs a week. I have saved over 8k!!

2 kids 8 & 10yrs. They have taken the split well and exdh did buck up his ideas re: parenting. He's still devastated that we split and still asks if we could ever get back together (Ha! No bloody way)

Long story short....when working he is a good earner but never has any money. Earns over 1000 a week but owes me 2. 5k from debt within the marriage. Owes me 1.6k in child maintenance arrears. Owes me over 500 for kids xmas. He promised them he'd get them a PS4 but so far no sign of it.

So last week my spider senses were tingling and I just knew he hadn't gone to work. Drove past his place & low & behold his car is there. That was Thursday. Checked again Friday....car still there. Sneakily asked how his week was when he came to collect kids for weekend and he said ya all good very busy etc....

Again had that feeling yday, low & behold he comes over at 4 to download some stuff as still has no WiFi (didn't pay bill so got cut off months ago) but had ordered sky broadband. Asked him why he was here (he works away mon-fri) and he said he came back that morning to meet sky guy even though I had agreed I'd let him in (have key to his flat). Told work he needed a personal day. Said he was going back very early this morning.

Roll on this morning....had the feeling again. Drove past his place and yip...car there again!!!!

He doesn't know that I know all this. I realise its not really my business anymore bur it kind of feels like it is because he Owes me a fortune at thus stage! And will no doubt be crying the poor mouth when it comes to CM & Xmas present payments to Me. Also doubt he can afford the much promised PS4 (again history or promising grandiose things and not delivering, )

I'm so so fed up. I know there is nothing i can do but I'm so angry! He will never change its pathetic. He's coming to stay Xmas eve & Xmas night as that's what we did last year and kids expect it this year and to be honest I will do whatever it takes for my kids to have a good Xmas. My son has asd/adhd and is very emotional and my daughter adores her dad. They know if he's not here with us he would literally be in his flat alone as he has no family, mother dead only child and no friends in this area.

What's my aibu? How do I mange Xmas without absolutely murdering him?

If you’re local enough to be able to stalk his house, he’s local enough that he doesn’t need to spend two night sleeping at your house to be able to see his kids on Christmas Day! He can come round about 9am and go home after dinner.

Go to court & CMS to get (at least some of) your money back and don’t give him any more.

Or
Arrive just before lunch Xmas day and leave when in bed

why on earth did you spend money on his behalf for christmas?

he wants to buy the dc something, let him get on and do it - stop parenting. When your dc are let down by him, they will be used to it and stop expecting.

You be the best parent you can be, and that does not mean fulfilling his promises

You are still too involved with him.

He's coming to stay Xmas eve & Xmas night as that's what we did last year and kids expect it this year and to be honest I will do whatever it takes for my kids to have a good Xmas. My son has asd/adhd and is very emotional and my daughter adores her dad. They know if he's not here with us he would literally be in his flat alone as he has no family, mother dead only child and no friends in this area.

Agree with pps, he doesnt need to stay over - its not your issue that he is alone. Why doesnt he have friends?

Stop enabling and detach.

Ex and I buy our kids separate gifts. You should do that with your h too so that there's no annoyance at him owing money for this. Same for birthdays. He buys a gift and you buy another.

With CM, contact CMS. It may take a while to set up but one less annoyance. You'll know if he's been sacked or not working because of the amount paid. They can deal with the excuses. They won't deal with the money he owes you know (back payments) but they can deal with it now.

It's not too late to change Christmas plans when you live so close and supermarkets have plenty of food.

You're best to write off what he owes you, if you get it great but don't expect it. You know what he is like and you cannot change him. All you are doing is expending energy over someone who will not change and the only one who suffers is you.

put them to bed and leave so won’t be there when they wake up on Boxing Day.
They might protest a little but stay firm say he’s busy
I don't agree with this. It make it sound like he's putting other things above them out of choice. That's just mean to the children. The fact that he doesn't pay CM is the parents problem to sort out, it shouldn't be used to alienate children. The op has said she is not affected by the non-payment and has even increased his debt by 30% to pay from Christmas presents.

I'd work on the assumption that the money you're owed is never coming back. Don't expect any maintenance from him. Don't expect any money for Christmas from him.

I'd also start managing the kids expectations. Not in an arsehole way. Just a discrete 'I don't think your dad has as much money as mum right now. I'm sure he's wanting to treat you on Christmas, but he might not be able to spend as much as he'd quite like'.

You just need to detach from him all over it. Nothing has changed since you left by the sounds of it.

Quite honestly it sounds like he needs assessing for the same conditions your DC has

He’s clearly got life management skill deficiencies which are common in undiagnosed adults with ADHD and or ASD I say this as someone married to adult who was diagnosed after our DC were

you’re no longer his keeper, you can treat with compassion if you think this is the root of the problem but still keep formal so maintenance through a formal agreement etc but you probably need to accept that if he is neurodiverse then he will never be completely reliable

And as for driving past his house, that’s controlling! He’s likely unraveling again and may have lost his job, does it make you feel better?

Ultimately you have a child who is neurodiverse, how do you want them to grow up? Hopefully with you having positive acceptance and understanding of their conditions instead of feeling shame for being unable to cope at points of their life

A few months back he had to stay here for a week because his electric was cut off... because he didn't pay the bill. The kids begged me so I let him. Never ever again.

I have stopped lending him any money (apart from Xmas gifts i suppose) and told him to never ask me for a penny again.

He had the cheek to say I needed to cut back on my work as i was doing too much saying he's earning now so will be paying CM.. that was galling.

Also I'm in ireland there is no CM service that takes money at source and the court system is very long & expensive.

I get ya op I know u aren't going to kill him. I split with my xp a yr ago and it's horrible how you still at times feel like they have control over aspects of your life and you wonder if you just stopped facilitating and enabling stuff, would they even bother.

I ended it determined to not put the kids in the middle, and to ensure they maintained their relationship with him. Fast forward a year and he seems to spend an awful lot of time.moaning about me to the kids and moaning that I won't drop them round ( I have a bus to catch fir work so don't have time) and he has to pick them up.

If I didn't need him.to ha e the kids while I work I'd honestly just leave it and see if he can be arsed to have the kids on a regular basis.

I think they enjoy having the power to still fuck u over tbh. Says nore about them than it does abiut u though op. I mean how fulfilling can his life be of winding u up is still the number one priority.

Don't think he had Asd/adhd but hasn't been formally tested. Actually I'm the parent that had ADD! I struggle with all this life stuff but I don't lie in bed and not go to work!!

@GotoutoftheUKphew

? This was very long but please stop driving past his place!

As long as he gives you an agreed amount every month, it’s up to him how he spends his time.

Also ‘murder’ is a horrible way to say you are annoyed with him. Do you know how many women actually do get murfrtef by their partners or ex-partners? It’s really nothing to joke about.

I'm presuming op is Irish this is a pretty normal thing to say & it's said lightly about a lot of stuff, not to be taken literally. But I get where you're coming from if you don't know that.

You need to detach. Get Christmas out the way, new year new start new boundaries.

Stop driving past his house. It won't make any difference to whether he pays you what he owes.

Take it that you are ok as you are without him and anything he pays is a bonus. Shit but it is what it is.

Once you stop stressing about it and letting it take up headspace you will feel better.

I am in the uk and I've been to court over CMS, he owes my daughter nearly £11k. He was ordered by the court to pay it £450 a month and then he decided to claim benefits and work on the side. Haven't seen a penny of it and CMS don't do anything except send a letter saying you must pay immediately which he ignores. Waste of time. He opens and closes companies and I know he earns over £100k a year as self employed. CMS are not interested.

He's never sent a Christmas present or a birthday card or anything to her.

That's the problem with a strong women and a weak man. If they see you managing they then think oh well then I don't need to try as she's managing or she doesn't need it.

I personally think no sleepovers for him Christmas or not, I don't think you should let him stay as that's enabling him to not get himself together. Kids can still see him during the day, shouldn't bother them if he doesn't sleep there if he still is welcome to visit Xmas day?
You are obviously very kind hearted. Don't let him take advantage of that & just buy gifts from you from now on.
If he wants to tell the kids he's bought them expensive gifts & hasn't then that's on him, they will see that eventually too.

You are STILL being his safety net. He has to fail in order to see the problems he has.

Leave him alone. No more coming to your house.

Tell your kids that their dad has to be a responsible adult and pay his own bills and you have to pay yours. So if he doesn’t pay it’s his fault because he didn’t pay/didn’t go to work/wasted his money.

I can totally understand your feelings. It's very frustrating waiting for someone to grow up and take responsibility. I can also understand the urge to get to the truth of the situation. All valid feelings.

However, I think your stress levels would lower considerably if, as other PPs have said, and you detach completely from this manchild. You are still enabling him by bailing him out. He's not out of your life in this set up. You need to set up stronger boundaries.

Although your children want him to spend Christmas with you, the reality is you are no no longer together and they nèd to come to terms with that. It doesn't make you a bad mother to put in boundaries.

Perhaps let him visit at Christmas for a couple of hours only or meet somewhere neutral so that you can leave. I also wouldn't include him in the presents you have bought. You will have to fight the feelings of guilt but you can't really be separated but still 'together ' in this way. It's confusing for everyone, including you.

You really need to stop stalking him! It sounds as though you're still a bit in love with him but know you can't be with him.

"He's coming to stay Xmas eve & Xmas night as that's what we did last year and kids expect it this year and to be honest I will do whatever it takes for my kids to have a good Xmas."
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! Too much! So you did it last year, that doesn't dictate what happens now. Compare and contrast with 2 years ago you were having sex with him, do you feel similarly obliged? Of course not!

"My son has asd/adhd and is very emotional and my daughter adores her dad. They know if he's not here with us he would literally be in his flat alone as he has no family, mother dead only child and no friends in this area."
Your children's expectations should not be holding you hostage. They know you've split up. Having him stay over like this is giving them even more expectations. Like maybe mummy and daddy will be together over Christmas and want to be together forever.

You're doing a short-term fix that is giving you a long-term problem. Don't do that to yourself - or them, by allowing them to foster a false hope.

So close to the day it will be difficult to not have him over at all, but - he stays pretty damned nearby. He can come over in the morning, be there for present opening and Christmas dinner and, maybe, if you can stomach it, put them to bed. And then he goes home to his flat. No sleepovers, you're creating a fiction in your children's minds.

I can see how infuriating it is to see that he's not working and lying to you about it, but not only is he no longer your husband, he is no longer your responsibility. You were together 14 years and that habit is pretty ingrained, but you really need to push that sense of responsibility away.

You are in a good place financially (I'm impressed!) so that takes the practical pressure off you - now you need to prevent the emotional pressure of his fecklessness weighing you down. You need to switch off the empathy towards him, and see him with a stranger's eyes.

And, the plan for next year is that daddy stands on his own two feet and buys his own presents. Don't contribute to any fiction you may feel your children 'need' - what they actually need is reality. Don't give them false hope and blinkers and unrealistic expectations, that's a horrible Christmas present to give to a child.

Yes I'm irish and as a pp pointed out, murder doesn't mean actually murder here!

Also no CMS!

To the pp that said am I still in love with him? NO WAY! But I do care about him and hoped he'd get his shit together for himself as much as the children.

Definitely too enmeshed, I will have to work on this. I feel bad because we moved from his city about 5hrs away a few years ago so I feel somewhat to blame that he has no life here ie friends or hobbies. Also his mother died in the beginning of covid (her ashes are still with the undertaker as he has not paid the bill!!!) So he literally has no one.

However I have to realise that I'm not responsible for his life! Easier said than done when it affects the kids.

he said he came back that morning to meet sky guy even though I had agreed I'd let him in (have key to his flat

Stop doing his wifework for him.
Stop covering up for his inadequacy by buying joint presents for the kids.
Let him fail at buying the promised PS4.
Stop having him round for xmas, stop all sleepovers & stop letting him into your house at all.
Stop checking up on him with the drive-bys. You knowing whether he's at work or not won't affect his wish to work, pay off debt, or contribute to his children's costs.

You need to let him go. He needs to adult - or not - without you being his prop.
Get a divorce - asap.
Get the CMS on his arse.
Chase the rest of the debt through small claims if you can be arsed. Otherwise - write it off. It belongs in the past, as does your constant worry & micromanaging of him. You have to leave him to sink or swim now.

@madisonbridges

put them to bed and leave so won’t be there when they wake up on Boxing Day. They might protest a little but stay firm say he’s busy I don't agree with this. It make it sound like he's putting other things above them out of choice. That's just mean to the children. The fact that he doesn't pay CM is the parents problem to sort out, it shouldn't be used to alienate children. The op has said she is not affected by the non-payment and has even increased his debt by 30% to pay from Christmas presents.

It's not alienating children for OP to stop facilitating his visits by allowing him to continue to treat her house as the family home.

Why is he not sorting out a christmas eve/day/boxing day in his OWN home, for his own kids?

Because he's a lazy arse who knows if he does fuck-all, OP will step in & do it for him. They are no longer a couple. He needs to see his DC in his own home.

I feel bad because we moved from his city about 5hrs away a few years ago so I feel somewhat to blame that he has no life here ie friends or hobbies.

He's had a few years to make friends & take up hobbies.
He's chosen not to.

That is not your responsibility.