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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Df giving me silent treatment

27 replies

venusmay · 17/12/2021 07:46

Df goes through bouts of not speaking to us. He was like this when I was a child and is now doing it to our dcs and still to me. He's not really bothered with the dcs at all really, he lives in Wales and we're in the North East but we've tried to stay in touch. He's also been quite emotionally abusive to me in the past, something I've tried to shelter dcs from.

I phoned him a few months ago and I asked him why he didn't stay in touch with the dcs. He does a lot with my stepmother's children and grandchildren but rarely speaks to my dcs, it was a genuine question. He put the phone down on me and hasn't spoken to me since.

Dcs now have Covid and dh texted the family to ket them know including df. No reply still, its awful. AiBU to think this is not on?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 17/12/2021 07:53

YANBU. He can choose to go NC with whoever he likes, but he shouldn't then expect you to be there when he surfaces.

My df used to stop speaking to us as kids. He could go weeks or months effortlessly. It was always because we chose to do something that was not what he had dictated. My transgressions included choosing Art GCSE and having my hair cut.

Is it that sort of attempted control?

I just ignored mine. He was an old man harking back to another age.

Original poster
venusmay · 17/12/2021 07:56

Yes df used to go for long periods of time not speaking. He sounds like your df, very similar!

He gushes over my stepmother's grandchildren but we are lucky to get a text message every few months.

OP posts:
LondonGrub · 17/12/2021 07:58

I would agree that often silent treatment is linked to control. Often the perpetrator uses affection and attention as a bargaining tool.

However, it sounds from your post that your father is more generally uncommunicative. Could it be a case that it is simply easier for him to be part of this new family. Many men who remarry seem to find it hard to juggle their existing families and their new families.

LondonGrub · 17/12/2021 08:00

Also, how much do you really miss him? How much do your children miss HIM? I found that it is the idea of a loving, warm and attentive father that people miss rather than the man himself and once people realise this it is a bit easier to let the man go and get on with life.

Bagelsandbrie · 17/12/2021 08:00

I know you’re hurt but he’s telling you loud and clear he doesn’t really want contact with you or your dc. For your own sake I’d cut contact and just pretend he doesn’t exist - (dh and I have done this with our own dysfunctional families). It’s actually easier to cope with no contact than this sort of anger all the time.

MintJulia · 17/12/2021 08:00

Or does he resent the fact that rather than staying local where you could 'look after him', he is punishing you through your children for heading off to a life of your own? That was my df's take on it.

Original poster
venusmay · 17/12/2021 08:01

But he put the phone down on me when I asked him why he didn't keep in touch, hasn't spoken to me since. That's why I feel this is the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
venusmay · 17/12/2021 08:03

Yes, he's never been a warm loving father. He cheated on my dm when I was 15 and had been deceiving her for years before just one day upped and left. It was a shock. He saw us once a week and paid child maintenance but I always felt he didn't want us.

Df moved to Wales because his wife had a job there.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 17/12/2021 08:08

Phoning him just to tell him off doesn't sound a good tactic. If you want to see him because you miss him then a friendly chat would make it more likely he'd want to see you. My father likes his grandchildren but is more interested in his actual children even though we are adults. Why are you more concerned about his poor relationship with your kids than his poor relationship with you? It sounds as though you maybe justifiably don't like him and have never been close to him.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 08:12

Why are you and DH rewarding bad behaviour by contacting him at all?

Just ignore him, no texts, no calls, no cards, no presents. Let him stew.

TurdCrapley · 17/12/2021 08:13

When he's not giving you the silent treatment, is he a good dad? A good grandad?

Original poster
venusmay · 17/12/2021 08:15

He's not interested much in dcs or me and dh, he talks a lot about himself and his wife. He's quite racist and sexist but he's still my df and I've tried to keep contact with him and my dcs.

OP posts:
TurdCrapley · 17/12/2021 08:25

I know he's your dad but that doesn't mean you have to have him in your life. Especially when this is how he treats you. I'm LC with my dad for various reasons and I'm so much happier for it. It's sad when they don't make the effort but it's his loss. Why put in the effort to contact him when everything he's doing is telling you he doesn't care? I'd just stop bothering.

SituationCritical · 17/12/2021 08:32

He sounds awful, sorry OP. DH father was similar. Consumed with his new wife and her family and immediately pretty much cut off DH and grandchild...until they got divorced and was suddenly interested again. Far too much water under the bridge by then. We went NC and it was the best decision we made, DH was so much happier.
He's not interested. You've tried your hardest, but if he wanted to see you or make contact he would.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 17/12/2021 08:37

My df flitted in and out of my life as a dc. When he started doing it to my dc I went nc. Better than a dc sat watching at the window for a feckless fucker...
Your dc deserve better op. And so do you. Take back control and stop bothering with him.

Cocogreen · 17/12/2021 08:43

I'm sorry OP but he isn't interested in you or your children.
It's incredibly hurtful but I think you need to stop pushing for a relationship with him.

ShepherdMoons · 17/12/2021 08:58

I agree, your df doesn't sound interested in your family or his dgc. Sadly this is the way the situation is and I think you trying to keep contact will just bring more hurt and pain for you in the future. Normal people communicate when they are annoyed with other people, even if your df was upset he should still be able to talk to you. You can't have a relationship with someone who just blocks you every time you bring up something uncomfortable.

ShepherdMoons · 17/12/2021 08:59

I just read the part about your dcs having covid.I'd be very upset if my df didn't at least ask after them to check they are okay even if he's angry with you.

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2021 09:02

@venusmay

He's not interested much in dcs or me and dh, he talks a lot about himself and his wife. He's quite racist and sexist but he's still my df and I've tried to keep contact with him and my dcs.
Why? Why bother with him? Why inflict his crap on your dc? “He’s still my df” so what? You being his daughter doesn’t stop him from treating you like crap. He will never be the father and Grandfather you want and deserve so stop setting you and your dc up for more pain and disappointment
MzHz · 17/12/2021 09:08

oh love (((hug)))

Sorry by YOU ABU. YABU to expect him to be anything else than that go he is, who he always was

I didn’t bother telling anyone in my family about ds having covid, because like when he got burnt they’d probably make it all about themselves and in the words of my mother when she moved without including me in the details, “we’re (now clearly) not that close”

Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve you in his life, so make the choice, NC and leave him to it. Let his new family pick up the slack/care… focus on you and yours.

I know it hurts, but it really IS him, not you.

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/12/2021 09:16

Just drop the rope.

He isn't going to change all ypu are.doing is inviting hurt anxiety for you and potentially your kids.

AnFiaRuaNua · 17/12/2021 09:18

Please see my thread about parents and silent treatments.

I did everything wrong. Things are worse now.

If I could press rewind i wouldnt try and out silence her.

Id say "it seems like you are scared to discuss something important".

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 09:26

@venusmay

He's not interested much in dcs or me and dh, he talks a lot about himself and his wife. He's quite racist and sexist but he's still my df and I've tried to keep contact with him and my dcs.
Why are you subjecting your kids to a racist and sexist twat? Are you holding out for an inheritance?

You're a glutton for punishment, get some pride.

AnFiaRuaNua · 17/12/2021 09:27

I'm going to post a video, it's 9 minutes long but it helped me just as much as 18 months of therapy to be honest.

This ''type of person'' is my mother.

So if your dad is like this and he has a highly reactive defensiveness to the emotions of others, especially if they perceive that you're going in to ''victim''. Ie, you did x,y,z to me.

Even though you weren't going in to 'victim' you were trying to figure out their thinking, trying to seek validation for the way their behaviours made you feel. But you are you are pushing water uphill.

This person will tell you to ''get help'', or ''you're mentally ill'' before they will lower their defensiveness and acknowledge that maybe their behaviour was hurtful.

NEVER.

BonnesVacances · 17/12/2021 09:34

He's also been quite emotionally abusive to me in the past, something I've tried to shelter dcs from.

He is still being emotionally abusive. He withholds attention or contact when normal parents would give it. The best way to shelter your DC from it is to not let them witness you putting up with it. Go NC and decide he's not going to control your emotions anymore.

I've been there, went NC 10 years ago and have never looked back. It's liberating.

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