Df giving me silent treatment

[venusmay]

Df goes through bouts of not speaking to us. He was like this when I was a child and is now doing it to our dcs and still to me. He's not really bothered with the dcs at all really, he lives in Wales and we're in the North East but we've tried to stay in touch. He's also been quite emotionally abusive to me in the past, something I've tried to shelter dcs from.

I phoned him a few months ago and I asked him why he didn't stay in touch with the dcs. He does a lot with my stepmother's children and grandchildren but rarely speaks to my dcs, it was a genuine question. He put the phone down on me and hasn't spoken to me since.

Dcs now have Covid and dh texted the family to ket them know including df. No reply still, its awful. AiBU to think this is not on?

Also, I tried to 'push' a conversation on my defensive parents and all that happened was that they shut down like the shutters were fired to the ground. Total stone wall, when I got frustrated by their defensiveness they labelled me a shouter, labelled me angry, labelled me mentally ill, and after 20 months of stonewalling, we still have not discussed what I wanted to discuss. All that's happened is that there are about 5 new labels they've added to their list.

Like you I was curious. I wanted to understand why they thought x, why they glossed over y, why they wouldn't talk about any of it. What are they afraid of? Do they think stonewalling is less harmful to our family than conflict? Have they NO conflict management abilities at all? (no they don't).

I wanted to know what were their core beliefs around my being hurt by them, do they not believe it's possible? Why does it make them ANGRY?

But I was never going to get the answers. I couldn't even ask the questions.

They have now decided that I'm abusive. They apparently cannot cope with my behaviour.

So. I would not recommend that you waste time trying to get through to him.

If this is the level he's operating on then you have to accept it.

The project is not trying to get through to your father and make him understand but the project ahead is trying to accept that your own father has such a defensive mindset, and is so limited in his emotional intelligence and his self-awareness.

I would try to send just enough communication that there is no ''silent treatment''.

He doesn't get to decide that there is a silent treatment. If you want to communicate you can. You don't have to step in to line with his agenda, ie, to punish you with silence.

I would say Text if and when you want to. Acknowledge the silent treatment if you want to, but text anyway. ''I know you're giving me the silent treatment right now but that doesn't work for me. Communication works for me.''' It'll get you nowhere, but it breaks the dynamic of you being summonsed in to his punishment of you.

But.................. don't have any expectation that he's suddenly going to GET that he's the problem.

I have done nothing but exhaust myself battling with her limited emotional intelligence over the last 20 months.

Theres a saying, when someone tells you who they are, don't ignore them. He has shown you repeatedly that he is only ever going to do things on his terms. Leave him to it