Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death etiquette

41 replies

Dasher789 · 16/12/2021 22:40

Probably not a true AIBU but I don't no what to do.

Around 20 years ago, I was around 12 or 13 and used to go to a club at a local church that was ran by a lovely couple around. I saw them every week at the club for however long I went - maybe a couple of years at most. The couple always seemed quite fond of me. I probably just grew out of the age group or found a new hobby and at some point stopped going. The couple who ran it were about 45 years older than me so i didnt keep in touch.

Fast forward to now, I am mid 30's, I joined a local group a few months ago and by chance, the couple happened to be members and we recognised each other instantly. They were over the moon to see me again and the husband in particular would always come and chat to me every week. They seemed absolutely thrilled to be back in touch. They haven't attended the last couple of weeks. I assumed they must have been away or something and didn't give it a great deal of thought. I have just found out that the husband suddenly passed away 2 weeks ago. I am shocked and quite sad.

I don't know what to do. I have missed the funeral. I had actually been told the man had died by someone else in passing, but I only ever knew the couple as husband and wife 1st name ie. Jane and Joe, so when I was told Joe Bloggs had died out of context of the wife's name, I didnt twig thats who it was.

AIBU to go round to the ladies house tomorrow with flowers and a card or shall I just send a card in the post?

I am conscious that I don't no them massively well so concerned it be odd for me to turn up on the doorstep equally they always do seem to treat me like they have known me forever and I am worried a card is a bit cold.

OP posts:
Siuan · 16/12/2021 22:42

A card or letter is enough for now. Make sure you put contact details in and explain how you found out. Then leave it a few weeks and call.

FeyreCursebreaker · 16/12/2021 22:45

If they have trusted you enough to tell you where they live, I don't thing you're too much of a stranger to turn up with flowers and a card. My great aunt lost her beloved husband in October, and she's really struggling with how everyone has stopped calling now the funeral is over etc as she feels so lonely. So even nicer if it was a little while ago, IMO.

Sorry for your loss.

gogohm · 16/12/2021 22:52

I would send a thinking of you card, say to let you know if there's anything you can do that will be helpful but you don't want to intrude and include contact details so she can be in touch

HostessTrolley · 16/12/2021 22:52

Take her a card and a cake- she might appreciate someone to have coffee and cake with

Triotriotrio · 16/12/2021 22:54

I'd knock with a card. She doesn't have to invite you in. I'm sorry for the loss, with this kind of thing you always expect them to just be around.

I agree everyone is there straight after the death, they gradually fall away in the weeks after

Pinkchocolate · 16/12/2021 23:01

Definitely go round, if she doesn’t want company she can say thank you at the door and not invite you in. Or more than likely in my experience she’ll invite you in and you’ll both cry and talk about memories of him and she’ll have passed another hour in her day. Grief is a lonely place.

Butteredtoast55 · 16/12/2021 23:15

I'd definitely do a card and flowers. It will mean a great deal and shows a lot of kindness towards a lady who will be feeling bereft.

ChristmasC · 16/12/2021 23:18

Yes, go round Flowers

KarmaStar · 16/12/2021 23:19

Card and cake.No flowers.
People avoid the bereaved as don't know what to say.allow her to lead the conversation but if she doesnt,talk normally with her,forget the eggshells.
You're doing a good thing op,not bu at all.🌈

Stopsnowing · 16/12/2021 23:20

Go and take a card and flowers. And then drop another card through in a few weeks

Bobsyer · 16/12/2021 23:21

I also think you should go round.

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2021 23:21

Definitely go round with a card and flowers/a cake. She might not ask you in but she will be very pleased to see you and have your condolences. On the other hand she might be delighted to have someone to chat to and have a coffee with. Whichever it is, I bet it means a lot to her that you wanted to see her and say how sorry you were and how nice a person her husband was to you.

maddy68 · 16/12/2021 23:23

Your thoughts would be welcomed. But maybe do it through a card /letter. Asking if they would like to meet for a coffee and a chat your number is .....

Hairyfriend · 16/12/2021 23:24

So sorry for the loss and what a shock having only just reconnected with them Flowers

I agree, take card and flowers to the door- providing contact details in the card. If she invites you in, fine. If not, she has your details for the future if its not a good time when you call.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 16/12/2021 23:24

I would go round. Take a card round and put your details on it so that if she wants to reach out, she can.

MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2021 23:26

So nice of you. Definitely a card and something. Cake, flowers, lasagne... Anything really.

Glendaruel · 17/12/2021 00:01

Definitely card. Like the idea of cake. I would avoid flowers as if it was me looking at them would be hard as they are there because he is gone, if that makes sense....

Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/12/2021 00:09

This has been very helpful, I am currently baking a banana loaf and I will take it round with a card inc my contact details tomorrow on my lunch break.

The lady didn’t actually give me her address but after I found out this eve, I contacted another member of the group for it. I wouldn’t really have had any reason to no it before now. If she doesn’t want to invite me in though that’s fine, il follow her lead. Il follow up with a bunch of flowers either just after Xmas or in the new year depending on whether I can confirm if she is going to go and see family for the festive period as she has some grown up children and agree things can tail off after a few weeks and that can be the hardest time for people.

I really can’t believe it. The man was late 70’s but full of life and laughter. It is true what @triotriotrio says, I had never given their age a thought until now. Although many people do live beyond 80, I had never even considered that they were as old, they were just Joe and Jane and in my mind, they look the same now as they did when I was 12. It sounds stupid and I’m not particularly philosophical but it feels like they were meant to come back into my life and I’m really glad I got to see and speak to them both over the past few months.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your comments x

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2021 00:26

@FeyreCursebreaker

If they have trusted you enough to tell you where they live, I don't thing you're too much of a stranger to turn up with flowers and a card. My great aunt lost her beloved husband in October, and she's really struggling with how everyone has stopped calling now the funeral is over etc as she feels so lonely. So even nicer if it was a little while ago, IMO.

Sorry for your loss.

Yes this.
GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/12/2021 08:49

My dad died suddenly in October. He was a retired doctor and yesterday a former patient turned up on my mum’s doorstep with flowers and a card. This is still happening to her quite regularly and, every time it does, she feels less alone and is reminded that my dad was respected and valued.

Allsorts1 · 17/12/2021 09:02

Definitely go around and the banana loaf sounds lovely - I find something other than flowers is appreciated during times when people tend to get a lot of flowers. She will remember being visited by you and even if she doesn’t feel up to a proper visit, she will appreciate this. Make sure you do have time for a cup of tea when you go around though, in case she is keen and invites you in!

Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/12/2021 09:29

Sorry for your loss @getoffthetablemabel - you are right. I felt the same when my Gran died and even now, some time on, when people bring her up, it makes me smile.

Thanks @allsorts1 , we are on Xmas wind down at work so no big deal if I'm a bit longer than my actual lunch break if she does invite me in

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 17/12/2021 09:39

The banana loaf is a lovely idea. And yes, you should go round to visit her. Visits tail off after the funeral and this is where the loneliness really sets in; that was the experience of my DM and MIL after being widowed.

Justcallmebebes · 17/12/2021 09:45

Definitely go round. I've had two deaths this year and would have really appreciated that as once the funeral is over people disappear back to their own lives so it can feel very lonely

SomepeopleareTERFSgetoverit · 17/12/2021 09:46

If you can, write a little in the card of your positive memories of her husband - maybe something about how much you enjoyed the group that he co-led.

Swipe left for the next trending thread