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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death etiquette

41 replies

Dasher789 · 16/12/2021 22:40

Probably not a true AIBU but I don't no what to do.

Around 20 years ago, I was around 12 or 13 and used to go to a club at a local church that was ran by a lovely couple around. I saw them every week at the club for however long I went - maybe a couple of years at most. The couple always seemed quite fond of me. I probably just grew out of the age group or found a new hobby and at some point stopped going. The couple who ran it were about 45 years older than me so i didnt keep in touch.

Fast forward to now, I am mid 30's, I joined a local group a few months ago and by chance, the couple happened to be members and we recognised each other instantly. They were over the moon to see me again and the husband in particular would always come and chat to me every week. They seemed absolutely thrilled to be back in touch. They haven't attended the last couple of weeks. I assumed they must have been away or something and didn't give it a great deal of thought. I have just found out that the husband suddenly passed away 2 weeks ago. I am shocked and quite sad.

I don't know what to do. I have missed the funeral. I had actually been told the man had died by someone else in passing, but I only ever knew the couple as husband and wife 1st name ie. Jane and Joe, so when I was told Joe Bloggs had died out of context of the wife's name, I didnt twig thats who it was.

AIBU to go round to the ladies house tomorrow with flowers and a card or shall I just send a card in the post?

I am conscious that I don't no them massively well so concerned it be odd for me to turn up on the doorstep equally they always do seem to treat me like they have known me forever and I am worried a card is a bit cold.

OP posts:
WeatherwaxLives · 17/12/2021 09:49

I'm so glad you're going to pop over OP, and take her lead on if she invites you in or not.

I think cake is a good choice, when I'm sad or ill (luckily I've not lost anyone except DGM which was very much expected, so I haven't included bereaved) I find flowers just another 'thing' to deal with, and have unfortunately just left them in the sink until they die before now when I've been particularly ill and not able to deal with them. Also, at a time when flowers are traditionally given, she may have run out of vases or surfaces to put them on, which is another practical consideration I try to bear in mind!!

It's true people avoid the bereaved, which is very hurtful, so going in person I think is good. When I was a child a school friend died in truly horrendous circumstances. DM saw her one day soon afterwards and stopped to talk. She burst into tears and said other parents she thought she was close to had actually been crossing the road to avoid her, as she presumed they didn't know what to say. She was so terribly hurt and lost and that was just awful on top of her loss.

I always remember that when someone is going through a hard time, and try to talk to them if I can, even if I just say 'I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry'

TheWatersofMarch · 17/12/2021 10:29

Call with the card and flowers - "I was just passing and wanted to bring you these.." If she doesn't want to invite you in this gives her a reason not to, but the option to do so. The only thing is if she invites you please do go in. It's so lonely after a funeral. The cards have stopped and you are expected to get on alone with working out what on earth life means without you lifetime companion. You sound like a really decent person btw.

nomoneytree · 17/12/2021 11:09

The worst thing when you lose someone is thinking that everyone else has forgotten them, like they didn't exist. Go round and let her lead. She'll probably invite you in.

gingergiraffe · 17/12/2021 11:10

The first visit after someone has died is always the hardest to deal with. I remember this when I visited a close aunt after my young cousin had been killed by a drunk driver. I was dreading visiting and was constantly in tears. Get that out of the way and you can be part of her healing process. I think your ideas are lovely and even if she does not invite you in she will appreciate it. So many people mention others crossing the road to avoid the recently bereaved because they don’t know what to say. Talking helps, and remembering the deceased person and their life. I think she would enjoy the company and sharing things you didn’t know about their lives.

gingergiraffe · 17/12/2021 11:15

I hadn’t read WeathervaxLives’s post before I posted but I see we think along similar lines. Your kindness will make a big difference and the banana cake will be appreciated.

ChampagneLassie · 17/12/2021 12:08

I would have said send a card and flowers with the offer to meet up, but reading others responses I think going around with cake is a much nicer idea

edification · 17/12/2021 12:09

I'm so glad you're going round. A few people have advised you to just send the card, but after such a huge bereavement it can mean the world to see a friendly face in person, what a lovely gesture

Triotriotrio · 17/12/2021 22:02

Did you go round OP?

Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/12/2021 22:50

Sorry for the delay everyone but thanks so much. I took all your advice and so glad I did. I just said I was passing by and wanted to give a card a cake, I was sorry not to have been in touch sooner but I hadnt known. She invited me in and I sat for an hour. We spoke a bit about her DH and had a few laughs but mostly spoke about other things. It was definately the right thing to go round.

@triotriotrio yes I did Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/12/2021 22:50

I was worried it would be awkward but it wasn't at all.

OP posts:
mumda · 17/12/2021 22:57

Wonderful. Well done to you!

Catflapkitkat · 18/12/2021 03:29

What a lovely update OP. I shall learn from this if the situation presents itself.

Merry Christmas

Pepperama · 18/12/2021 04:19

Very well done for going!

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 18/12/2021 07:06

Are you sure the funeral has already taken place? Two weeks would be unusually quick, especially at this time of year.

Triotriotrio · 18/12/2021 07:41

Ah so pleased you did @Dasher789. I bet she really appreciated it.

LakieLady · 18/12/2021 07:57

When my partner died last year, the last thing I would have wanted was anyone other than close family/friends rocking up on my doorstep without any warning.

A card in the post, or flowers delivered were really welcome though and knowing that colleagues and casual friends were thinking of me helped me tremendously.

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