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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

When to get worried that a child isn’t potty trained?

68 replies

NobblyBobble · 16/12/2021 18:47

My 3 year old (and two months) is still in pull ups.

He will sit on the toilet but won’t do anything on it. He still just wets through his pants/pull ups or on the floor.
He’ll tell us when he’s done a poo but after the event has occurred, so it’s too late.

Do I need to be worried? All his friends are potty trained.
He’s very bright and his speech his great, his social skills are good too. This seems the big barrier.
He’s starting pre school at a ‘big school’ next year and they said they’d like him to be mostly dry when he starts.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 16/12/2021 19:51

I remember when DS1 was 3 years 3 weeks, H went to a nursery open evening and they advised him that they would like DS1 to be potty trained before they moved him up to the preschool room. I remember H coming home to tell me and I burst into tears because I'd only just given birth to DS2 who was about 5 days old! I ended up doing it when DS1 was 3y 3m, told him one day no more nappies/pull ups and it took a few days but he got the gist of it after a week or so. With DS2, I potty trained him in May half term this year when he was 3y 2m, was fortunate that it was beautiful weather so he basically ran around the house and garden all week naked from the waist down and got it very quickly.

I deliberately waited until both of mine were over 3 because I think the majority of NT 3 year olds have the physical capability to hold it for long enough for potty training to be done. If I had waited until they "showed signs", though, DS1 would probably be at school. Neither of them particularly wanted to be potty trained, because nappies are so absorbent these days so they don't feel uncomfy when wet and going to the toilet means they have to stop their playing! Also when both of mine were trained I did it in the nicer weather when it's so much easier to get clothes dry (I didn't have a tumble dryer at the time) and have them running around with nothing on. But I basically dedicated a week to it both times, rather than trying for a couple of days and giving up like a lot of people do - the first few days are hard work but if they ARE physically ready, they will have got the gist of it by the end of the week.

shouldistop · 16/12/2021 19:51

Poo-land! Not Poland Blush

Offmyfence · 16/12/2021 19:52

@shouldistop

Poo-land! Not Poland Blush
Brilliant!!! GrinGrinGrin
Pantsomime · 16/12/2021 19:54

3 and a half for our boys, one took his nappy off the week before I’d booked time away from work to concentrate on it. I started my other DS at the same age, it took about 3 weeks

Catsstillrock · 16/12/2021 19:55

My DS was the same. Then he threw himself into it at 3yrs 5months the week we went on holiday. Wasn’t great timing but up until then he préfères nappies and that week he became all about the potty.

He’s now 3yrs and 9 months and still isn’t interested in holding his own Willy Grin. He’s just starting to pull his own pants and trousers up and down.

bluesky45 · 16/12/2021 19:55

The school can't deny an education because of toilet training. They are wrong to suggest this.

Antsgomarching · 16/12/2021 19:57

DD started at 19 months (still have odd accident when she’s skipped a nap). We used the “oh crap” method. Would absolutely recommend it. My DH took a week off work so we could both be on it and I’m pretty happy with it. Its bare bummed, then trousers then knickers. We just used encouragement no rewards but it was both of us cheering her when she let us know she needed the potty. So LOADS of positive reinforcement.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 19:59

I think the majority of NT 3 year olds have the physical capability to hold it for long enough for potty training to be done.

The majority of 2 year olds do from a physical perspective!

I think these days a lot of people don't do the sort of psychological prep early on that people used to. Having a potty around from much much earlier so it's not new or scary, encouraging sitting on it for a few mins after meals when they are younger and don't really resist this, so that they are in the habit by the time they are physically ready to communicate to you in time to go.
So many kids these days seem so scared/resistant to using a potty or toilet - it makes zero evolutionary sense!

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:07

The school can't deny an education because of toilet training. They are wrong to suggest this.

They can't, but for an otherwise healthy, apparently developmentally normal child who is unlikely to qualify for additional funding, they can effectively make it impossible for you to send the child by requiring that you come to change the child's nappy as needed. Standard staffing ratios for 3 and 4 years don't take into account needing to change nappies.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/12/2021 20:12

@DeepaBeesKit yes. My mum was a primary school teacher before she retired. She found it frustrating having NT children still in nappies at 4/5. As you say. The staffing ratios don't accommodate nappy changes. Obviously SEND is a different matter.

mayblossominapril · 16/12/2021 20:16

Three and a half and he didn’t get it easily but we were running out of time as he was only just 4 when he started school.
I had started at two and a half like everyone else, had a variety of potties available from 2 which he sat on a few times a day.
I tried the no pants, there was piss everywhere so continued that method in the garden as it was nice weather, we failed. Then tried bribery, failed. He just didn’t get it. Finally he did get it and then at the beginning of the summer holidays I had to get him to use the loo instead of the potty as there are no potties in in reception. That took most of the summer holidays. Mines bright but with poor speech and apparently there’s a link.

Senmumm2021 · 16/12/2021 20:17

@DeepaBeesKit they can't make a parent go in and change.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:19

Toddlertea
Mine too. She commented a lot that it had never been a problem in the 70s and 80s but that potty training was being left later and later. It used to drive her nuts, some kids the parents would swear they had tried really hard and mum would have the kid using the loo within a week.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:20

Senmum

Loads do. If they lack the facilities to change hygienically it is the appropriate thing to do.

KevinTheKoala · 16/12/2021 20:20

My daughter was 3.5 before she was potty trained. She refused to sit on a potty or toilet before then, we had been trying since she was 18 months old, had tried various pottys and toilet seats, had the health visitor involved (who said that they don't worry until the age of 4!), followed all of the Eric advice and one day it just clicked and she was suddenly using the toilet without any accidents whatsoever. If you are worried then do get in touch with your health visitor but they probably won't be much help at this age. It is very easy for others to judge but you know your child best and some children really aren't ready to potty train that early - even if the majority are and yes my daughter was the eldest out of her peers to be potty trained but had the least accidents when she did finally get it.

Kiirim · 16/12/2021 20:20

Mine started reception year in pull ups and wasn't dry at night till almost double figures

Senmumm2021 · 16/12/2021 20:20

@DeepaBeesKit they will have a disabled toilet.

"4. Are schools allowed to call a parent or carer in to change their child if they've had an accident?
Although school staff should use their discretion and judge each case on its merits with reference to a child’s individual healthcare plan, it is not generally acceptable practice to ask parents to come into school to change their child after they've wet or soiled themselves.

Only one member of staff needs to be present when changing a child, as long as another member of staff is nearby, so it shouldn't be necessary to call in a parent (see answer to question 2).

It is tantamount to abuse to force/allow a child to sit in wet or soiled underwear until their parent or guardian can come in to change them.

For more detail on this and other unacceptable practice, see the statutory guidance on implementing the Children and Families Act.

The Department for Education's statutory guidance on supporting pupils at school with medical conditions states it is not acceptable for schools to:

Prevent pupils from drinking, eating or taking toilet or other breaks whenever they need to in order to manage their medical condition effectively;

Require parents, or otherwise make them feel obliged, to attend school to administer medication or provide medical support to their child, including with toileting issues. No parent should have to give up working because the school is failing to support their child’s medical needs;

Prevent children from participating, or create unnecessary barriers to children participating in any aspect of school life, including school trips, e.g. by requiring parents to accompany the child."

It's very clear.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:22

It tends to not happen where there is SEN/developmental delays because in those circumstances there are routes to apply for extra funding to allow for the staffing to have someone spare to change nappies and not leave 16 children to one other member of staff.

WakeUpLockie · 16/12/2021 20:22

Just off reading the title I thought 3.5. Mine were both dry around 2.5 so that’s an extra year before I’d really start worrying.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:24

Not all settings have a disabled toilet.

I am a committee member for a tiny local preschool. It does not have space anywhere for a disabled toilet. As it happens the staff at our setting do agree to change children but they ask that parents cooperate in trying to toilet train.

TreesoftheField · 16/12/2021 20:24

I really put off training mine as was having an awful pregnancy and working full time.
I did it at 3.5 with a six week old baby and it took 3 days, he was dry at night a couple months later.
It seems such a big deal at the time but I just had to not care what people said and keep thinking I wouldn't care in another year.
My daughter was dry day and night by 2.5. They are all different - the key is that you're not stressed about it, just do what you can.

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:25

The Department for Education's statutory guidance on supporting pupils at school with medical conditions

Does this apply to private settings not taking government funding?

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:25

Also late potty training is not always a medical condition.

Tohaveandtohold · 16/12/2021 20:28

I’ve only just potty trained DD2 at the October half term, she’ll be 3 next week. Her speech is delayed so I left it till late because I didn’t know how I could potty train her when she can’t tell me when she wants to go. However I took a week off work, she was naked from the waist down and by the third day, she was only having one accident. She got it by the end of the week.
She still won’t talk but every two hours, we ( and the child minder) remind her to go and she does, we’ve not had an accident for 2 weeks now. I didn’t believe she can get it.
I think if you’re worried and you have a weekend free, you can try the naked from the waist down approach and see if it makes any difference

DeepaBeesKit · 16/12/2021 20:28

Although school staff should use their discretion and judge each case on its merits with reference to a child’s individual healthcare plan

Senmum I think you are getting confused. We are talking about NT children with no other developmental needs or disabilities, who are simply late toilet training. These children won't have a healthcare plan.