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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overly harsh school punishment?

47 replies

HouseofSkullduggery · 16/12/2021 13:50

This is very outing but never mind! Earlier this week my 11yr old son was punched in the face by another student a year older than him. This was out of school grounds but on the way there.
School have done a full investigation and interviewed several witnesses so find out exactly what happened.
There was a group of 3 boys who kept throwing bags at my son and he ignored it. When it was time to leave they demanded he picked up their bag and he said no and walked away. Then there was a scuffle and I have been told my son attempted to punch this boy first but missed! The older student retaliated by punching him in the cheek hard enough to still have a bruise now, 2 days later.
My son didn't admit to throwing the 1st punch as he was scared to and this is why the school decided to punish him.
So on the day it happened the older student spent the day out of class and was told he could be excluded as he admitted punching my son but said he did it back and wasn't believed at that point. Then yesterday he received further punishment and was put with year 11's all day.
Then it came to light my son had not told the whole truth so he has had a telling off from the heads of both year groups but probably no further action would be taken as he was so upset and worried and had learnt his lesson. However the Head disagreed. Today my son has received the same punishment and spent the day out of lessons in isolation and an hour after school detention. He was so upset over this and really didn't want to go to school. He has never ever been in any trouble before.
I'm struggling to decide if this is a justified punishment or very harsh.
I realise my son could have made contact and punched this boy firsr but he was doing so in self defence as the other boy had hold of him. He has been very shaken up, scared to walk to and from school and been assaulted and punished when he didn't start any of the situation.
But I'm obviously biased.
Aibu?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 16/12/2021 13:52

The school seem to be getting conflicting views, so punishing everyone involved the same way seems fair.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 16/12/2021 13:54

3 boys bullying your son, and he ends up punched in the face after he stands up to the bullies. And then gets punished.

Fuck that for a laugh.

Demand a meeting with the school to discuss the bullying and mention that this could be reported to the police.

See what they say.

thelegohooverer · 16/12/2021 13:56

An 11 yr old punching a bigger, stronger, older boy is not the same thing as the older boy punching an 11yr old.

ClaudiaWankleman · 16/12/2021 13:59

Your son threw the first punch, but the first physical attack was the throwing of the bags. Your son retaliated. He didn't 'start' it.

I'd be straight onto the school, and wouldn't send him into school to serve that punishment.

thelegohooverer · 16/12/2021 14:00

@FelicityPike

The school seem to be getting conflicting views, so punishing everyone involved the same way seems fair.
It is not the schools job to punish students fairly.

It’s their job to ensure a safe learning environment. What are they doing about that?

I would speak to the police- presumably they have a designated officer who deals with schools. It likely won’t get very far but it will make it clear to all involved (pupils and head) that neither you nor your ds will be pushed around.

WhatScratch · 16/12/2021 14:02

Your DS is in Yr7 and the other boy is in Yr11?

Suzanne999 · 16/12/2021 14:03

@TheReluctantPhoenix

3 boys bullying your son, and he ends up punched in the face after he stands up to the bullies. And then gets punished.

Fuck that for a laugh.

Demand a meeting with the school to discuss the bullying and mention that this could be reported to the police.

See what they say.

This. Seems like the usual school thing —- punish everyone, put kids in isolation ( for everything from a crooked tie to physical fights as far as I can see) Yes, your son should have told the whole truth at the start but I can totally understand him not doing so as he’s being bullied by a number of older lads.
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 16/12/2021 14:03

We tend to not get involved in out of school fights

AutumnLeaves21 · 16/12/2021 14:04

If your version is accurate (I’m not for a second saying you or your son are lying but there’s always a lot of “he said/she said” in these situations), then you are definitely not unreasonable. Your son defended himself.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 14:04

I would ask for a meeting with the Head and whoever is the lead safeguarding professional. Make notes beforehand - this will help you keep things on track and ensure that the issues you want to discuss don't get sidelined. Print out the school bullying policy and make sure you know it well. If the school has contravened it, they need to answer for that.

What are they going to do about keeping your son safe in school? What is the action plan for responding to further assaults being made on him while in their care? He has a legal right to access the curriculum without being subject to bullying, and they have a duty to provide a safe environment.

Sorry if I sound a bit rabid, I've been through seven years of my child being physically and mentally brutalised in school and having to battle apathy and victim-blaming from the school.

NotMeNoNo · 16/12/2021 14:06

They need to sort out their anti bullying policy. Of course bullies won't admit to tormenting a kid and few "witnesses" will dare put themselves in the firing line by dobbing them in or siding with the victim. So sad when the school leadership find it easier to punish the victim.

HibiscusIsland · 16/12/2021 14:07

I agree with you. Your son was being bullied and was then set upon and he hit out in self defence.

Lindy2 · 16/12/2021 14:09

I'd not be happy with that. The school seem to have chosen to ignore the fact your son was being intimidated and bullied by these older boys.

I'd ask for a copy of the school's anti bullying policy as you wish to check if their response in this case is in line with their published policy.

Even a 1 off incident like this is bullying.

NotMeNoNo · 16/12/2021 14:09

Like @sadpapercourtesan unfortunately I have personal experience and it did not go well.

Original poster
HouseofSkullduggery · 16/12/2021 14:10

Just to clarify the other boy is in Yr 8 and fairly small so not physically much bigger but a year older
My son is in school now doing his punishment. I did tell the head of year my thoughts on it and I feel she agreed but the school Head said he had to be punished.
Obviously my son is very new to high school and I didn't want to be that complaining parent. But I slept terrible last night worrying for him and it was awful dropping him off today to be punished. He was scared but I thought if I keep him off it's sending a wrong message

OP posts:
TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 16/12/2021 14:12

I had the same with my son many years ago. Three older bigger boys following him and bullying. They then waited in a changing room and jumped him when alone. He managed to punch/ push them off and run out the changing room. He was the only one with physical marks.
They all were punished equally for ‘fighting’.
Learn from my mistake and get involved. I wish I had more.
(It carried on, the bullying and I ended duo moving him schools where thankfully nothing similar ever happened again, but it did impact him a lot in trust of me and his attitude towards school)

Original poster
HouseofSkullduggery · 16/12/2021 14:12

The school have said the yr 8 boy has been punished alot more but my son has to also as he lied.
About 7 others said they saw my son throw the first punch but of course it was because they were throwing bags at him.

OP posts:
TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 16/12/2021 14:13

Write to head btw. If not resolved use the school complaints policy and follow each step.

WhatScratch · 16/12/2021 14:13

I’ve just reread your post. The boy is a year older.

It’s tricky. It sounds like your DS is getting that punishment because the other boy was given extra punishment for ‘lying’ (saying that your DS threw the first punch.) I think I’d tell your DS to take this as a reminder that it’s better to tell the whole truth straight away.

converseandjeans · 16/12/2021 14:14

I think they're just trying to even things up. It's a tricky one - you have to support your son. However if the bullies hear you have made a fuss then they may target him further. The fact he stood up for himself might get them to step back now & so it might be better to leave school to deal with it. It's really hard to know what to do for the best.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 14:15

I withdrew my son from PE for a year because the school refused to engage with the idea of keeping him safe in the changing rooms. At one meeting the PE teacher said "if he could just try and be a bit more normal around them, they might not target him as much".

He has ASD and they had been bullying him since primary school. Blood on his clothes, bruises, the lot. At one point he was punched in the face in the middle of a lesson, in front of a teacher, and they didn't want to suspend the attacker because his mother thought it might damage his self-esteem. Bitter? You bet.

My general advice to you, OP: write everything down. Insist on email communication or face-to-face rather than phone calls. Know the school's policies like the back of your hand. Don't worry about being the "complaining parent". You may have to be.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 16/12/2021 14:18

@sadpapercourtesan

one meeting the PE teacher said "if he could just try and be a bit more normal around them, they might not target him as much".

I hope you complained? What an awful victim blaming statement to make

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2021 14:19

As you've had a lot of comments on your side, just to voice the other for the sake of thinking things through from all angles - your son lied and continued to lie/say nothing whilst the y8 was being punished.

UndertheCedartree · 16/12/2021 14:21

In all honesty I'd be furious if my DS has been bullied in this way and then given a punishment. What on earth does the school hope to achieve other than make the poor boy too scared to talk to teachers and upset about going to school.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 14:21

I most certainly complained. I think they were sick of the sight of me by the time he left (I was certainly glad to see the back of them).

There is a serious problem with schools taking the easy way out when it comes to bullying.