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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having a really sh#tty time dealing with my late partners wife and son

67 replies

Modog · 16/12/2021 03:17

I posted for a short time at the end of August. My partner was dying from oesophagal cancer and then he died . I thought I was under a lot
of stress but .....little did I know what was about to happen.

OP posts:

Pamsresearch · 16/12/2021 09:01

You will be able to claim funeral costs from the estate via probate. Anything else will go to his wife if they are still married or to his son if they are not.

Obviously it's a horrible time for you, but surely you can see it's correct that a mother protects hers son's interests?

I know what you mean about the end. DH was very ill for months and we knew he was dying, but end, when it came, was very fast.

Are you getting any support? If he had hospice care, that would be a good place to start for both practical and emotional help.

ohreallynotreally · 16/12/2021 09:07

Oh this is awful for you . I read your original posts when your DP was feeling unwell on holiday and then his subsequent decline which was so fast . Absolutely tragic …people being very harsh about your poor partner.
I really hope you get this sorted …greedy people out there ! How the wife feels so entitled is beyond me ! People’s morals go out the window where money is concerned!

Pamsresearch · 16/12/2021 09:14

@ohreallynotreally

Oh this is awful for you . I read your original posts when your DP was feeling unwell on holiday and then his subsequent decline which was so fast . Absolutely tragic …people being very harsh about your poor partner. I really hope you get this sorted …greedy people out there ! How the wife feels so entitled is beyond me ! People’s morals go out the window where money is concerned!

Surely if the wife was here asking for advice, she'd be told to make sure she got what her son is entitled to?

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2021 09:25

Wife not ex-wife and no will? Everything is hers.

The estate pays for the funeral. Usually the undertaker bills the executor (and will wait for payment until appropriate administration has occurred). If you paid from your own money, you could talk to the undertaker about how to rectify that. They will have seen every possible situation before.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your experience. There is nothing to be gained by thinking about the inheritance in personal terms. The rules are the rules. You're not passing things on because you want to, only because you're obliged to. Depersonalise it for your own sake.

BungleandGeorge · 16/12/2021 09:25

I think your anger about her not wanting a divorce is misplaced as he could have filed himself after 5 years separation. You can’t go back in time, they will be out of your life soon. Just make sure you claim for the costs you’ve incurred. Let them deal with all the stress regarding the estate. Potentially after all the costs and legal fees there wouldn’t be that much money left anyway if there’s no property etc

Flowers500 · 16/12/2021 09:41

I’m so sorry for your loss.

While his wife sounds rude, unfortunately she’s correct to be there protecting any assets for her son. His decision not to get a divorce or make a will has caused this situation and you’ll have to step back because of it. Make sure you know what you own vs him so that doesn’t get taken, and don’t spend any further money. The estate should in theory pay for the wedding might it might prove hard to enforce.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2021 09:51

What a tragedy for you, I’m so sorry. Added awfulness that a lot of this stress could have been avoided.

It’s good your housing is secure.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 10:15

Sorry for your loss. I do think your anger is misplaced. Your partner has left you in this position. He could have divorced her no consent after 5 years. He should have left a valid will.
At least you have place to live and own bank account.
She also let you arrange funeral, it could have been she did that and excluded you.
Focus on yourself. What’s done is done.

DrSbaitso · 16/12/2021 10:33

How the wife feels so entitled is beyond me !

In fairness, she wasn't the one with a "new" partner with whom to join assets. If he didn't feel the need to sort out the divorce, as he could have done after five years, why would it be her responsibility?

Awful for OP, though. I'm very sorry. This is why people really need to sort out finances and paperwork while they still can, and keep it up to date with how their lives are now.

Bargoed · 16/12/2021 10:41

Your partner left you in this mess not his wife and child

LunaMay · 16/12/2021 15:35

Surely if the wife was here asking for advice, she'd be told to make sure she got what her son is entitled to?

After 30 years separated surely her son can sort it himself..

Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 15:39

Even if they had divorced, without a will, the son would be the sole inheritor.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 16:08

His wife has inherited not the son under intestacy (no valid will). Useful Guide on CAB. Obviously she may give some to son but she doesn’t have to.
There’s no technically still married you either are or aren’t.
I imagine there’s a lot of anger mixed up in your grief OP at him leaving you in this shitty situation. I assume he said to you he’d made a will etc.
At minute you are turning anger on her but I suspect it will turn to him. It might be sensible to try and access some grief counselling.
Best wishes.
I’ve come across scenario at work - the wife inherited a sizeable amount including a death in service payment and pension. They had married as teens and never divorced - everyone assumed they had. His girlfriend of 20 plus years and kids got nothing. The type of man who doesn’t get around to sorting a divorce is unfortunately the sort that doesn’t nominate his pension or sort a will.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 16:15

Yes peaked son would have inherited if he was unmarried.
Maybe that was his intention and he didn’t want to upset his long-standing partner, who knows. It’s a very upsetting situation for OP. I’d take comfort in fact you were allowed to organise funeral, wife could have done that and excluded Op.

Tara336 · 16/12/2021 16:33

I am so sorry this has happened to you, she may walk away with the contents of his bank account but you had his heart and mind

flirtygirl · 16/12/2021 18:27

Even getting sick quickly, he could have transferred his money to your bank account or wrote a will. He was not bothered.

He was not bothered to divorce and had years to sort that, and he was not bothered to do his will at anytime before he got sick and he could have done it once he got sick.

Sorry op but this has nothing to do with his ex wife and son.

It's all on him.

flirtygirl · 16/12/2021 18:27

Just get your money back from his funeral and grief in your own way.

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