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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a really sh#tty time dealing with my late partners wife and son

67 replies

Modog · 16/12/2021 03:17

I posted for a short time at the end of August. My partner was dying from oesophagal cancer and then he died . I thought I was under a lot
of stress but .....little did I know what was about to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Modog · 16/12/2021 04:15

I hate the fact that I havent really had time to grieve

OP posts:
Original poster
Modog · 16/12/2021 04:23

Have just realized how late or early it is. Thanks for your responses...I miss having someone to talk things over with. I miss him so much. We were planning to travel and simply enjoy ourslves. This bit of my life is over now

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 16/12/2021 05:07

Is this the one who tried to stop you going to the funeral?

Stomacharmeleon · 16/12/2021 05:14

@Modog sending hugs xx always around at stupid o clock if you what to chat.
Just take one day at a time x

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2021 05:32

It sounds like everything goes to his wife and child, I’m sorry. I would be so resentful of a partner who hadn’t managed to organise that or at least a divorce. I would consider if there are any things you’re emotionally attached to and keep them, then hand all the work over to her, although wouldn’t let her in the house (I’m glad that’s secure for you)

wishymore · 16/12/2021 05:38

How awful. Her hanging around in her van. Has she gone away now?

CampagVelocet · 16/12/2021 06:08

Unfortunately because your partner didn't make a valid Will she is entitled to his assets. I would do the bare minimum to help her with that though.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/12/2021 06:17

If you paid for the funeral you should be able to claim that back from his estate. I suspect everything else will go to his wife and so. Did he leave much?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2021 06:58

I’m sorry you’re so stressed with this woman. Sadly your dp didn’t protect you and much as this woman is hounding you and pissing you off, she does hold claim to his money and worldly goods. You know you don’t have the legal right to his money unfortunately. Just to claim back expenses through the estate.

theSunday · 16/12/2021 07:07

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved partner, Mo Flowers

look after yourself and hope that woman goes back to where she came from soon

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2021 07:18

So sorry for loss, sounds like your partner left you in this situation when he could have done a lot more to stop it. He could have divorced her without her consent after being separated for so long, he could have left a will. It does sound like there wasn’t much to leave which is kind of a relief. I’m not sure what she’s entitled too, probably nothing but their son might be entitled to something?

I hope things get sorted soon, then they will be out of your life and you can grieve properly for your loss.

MrsLarry · 16/12/2021 07:24

You need to take a step back from this and allow yourself to grieve. Let the ex wife take on dealing with his finances. Unfortunately, as he had no will then intestacy laws will apply. You may be able to make a claim as a dependant, but you need to take legal advice on this. However, unless he had a substantial estate I'd be inclined to just leave things and let her have the lot. The legal costs involved could far outweigh any benefit. I know it all seems unfair, but your anger is aimed at the wrong person....it was your partner who stayed married and didn't make a will.

Riverlee · 16/12/2021 07:28

Sorry for your lossFlowers

VladmirsPoutine · 16/12/2021 07:32

Did he have more than a tenner in his account? Because sorry but he might have left you high and dry. My condolences, this is such a hard thing to go through.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/12/2021 07:39

As other people have said, without a will and if they are still married, she gets everything.
However, she will then also be liable to repay the costs of the funeral and deal with any debts out of the estate.
There is an outside chance that the unwitnessed will could be considered a deathbed will, so if you were given the means to access his accounts and there is an imperfect will, get proper legal advice.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

PuntasticUsername · 16/12/2021 07:45

I don't have any advice, but I'm so sorry you have lost your partner and I'm sorry you're going through all this shit now Flowers

Malibuismysecrethome · 16/12/2021 07:50

So sorry for your loss. Try and ignor her and her son. You nursed your partner and witnessed his suffering that’s enough for anyone to deal with.

gabsdot45 · 16/12/2021 07:57

Something similar happened when my SILs father died. He had a will leaving everything to my SIL but her mother, to whom he was still married after being separated for 30 years tried to contest it, (she failed) As his widow she also got his pension.
Your partner was legally still married to her. Perhaps she's behaved badly but in the eyes of the law she is his next of kin, sadly you aren't even though you cared for and loved him. This is another reason why marriage is much more than just a peice of paper.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Winter2020 · 16/12/2021 08:33

Quote “(I) arranged (and paid for) his funeral.”
I believe funeral expenses are first in line as far as debts of the estate so photocopy all bills and send them on to the wife. make sure you keep the originals or a copy for yourself. She needs to reimburse you (if there is enough in the estate).

Unless there is a lot of money it might be easier to just let her take what is in bank accounts in his sole name. I believe joint accounts become yours. It would be a cold day in hell before I’d let her walk in and take my furniture/white goods/tele though - I think she would very much struggle to enforce this through any legal process - just say everything is yours/a gift no discussion. If he has sentimental things he would want his children to have such as grandads medals pass them on to his wife. Pick your battles to protect your wellbeing.

Sorry for your loss.

sweetgingercat · 16/12/2021 08:37

I'm really sorry for your loss and your stress. And I read this and just feel frustrated. Why didn't he sort out a will and if he didn't, why didn't you make him? You both must have known the position you would be left in after he went? Unfortunately a handwritten will in a drawer is not going to hold any weight when he has an avaricious wife hanging around in the background. I hope she doesn't come poking around your flat asking for his personal possessions, but she is legally entitled to.

IgneousRock · 16/12/2021 08:40

OP, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can step away from this stressful situation and find time to grieve Flowers

Barney60 · 16/12/2021 08:41

Sorry for your loss, i know how this feels, went through same with partners ex wife , i was asked from my solicitor, Were they divorced or just separated ?
This will be part of the deciding factor, if divorced no legal will, his next of kin will be his children, so they inherit.
Your partner has been irresponsible.
I feel for you , please take care of you now.

sweetgingercat · 16/12/2021 08:42

Also, his funeral expenses are a 'debt' to his estate which should be settled prior to whatever monies there might be are paid out to the legal next of kin. Is there a solicitor dealing with this? If so send them to him, not her so it will be settled before she gets any money.

MrsClatterbuck · 16/12/2021 08:53

Yes you can pay the funeral bill from his account as that is the first debt on the estate. Is the account joint as it would then be amended to his sole name. Does he have a work pension and is there a death in service benefit which if he had I hope he named you as the beneficiary.

Ubiquery · 16/12/2021 08:58

Did he have more than a tenner in his account? Because sorry but he might have left you high and dry. My condolences, this is such a hard thing to go through.

To be fair, it's only his money. As in, she'll still have access to her money.

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