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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have unvaxxed friend to visit

73 replies

BloodyC19Xmas · 15/12/2021 21:59

Name changed as this will probably out me!

Ok Xmas day is meant to be at my mums house. She's technically clinically vulnerable but she's not got anything life ending like cancer etc but does affect the quality of her life.

My friend was going to visit Xmas Eve as it's their first year after a nasty divorce and we're dreading xmas waking up without their kids, missing the fun of santa etc and so I invited to spend Xmas with my dh and kids.

My mum discovered my friend is unvaxxed and absolutely fair enough she said they couldn't go to her house so we changed plans so friend could come to us overnight on Xmas eve and we could go to my mums house Xmas lunchtime after friend went home to pick up their kids.

Now with omnicron accelerating, mum has lost it, she's completely paranoid and convinced she's going to die if she gets it. In spite of her having 3 vaccines already...

And she's said if my friend comes to visit that we can't go to visit them on Xmas day cos she doesn't want to risk it. 🤦🏼‍♀️
My kids are young and they will be gutted to miss Xmas with their grandparents. This is the main issue for me here.

I'm fuming cos hubby and I are around unvaxxed people all the time as we both work in public sector key worker jobs but that's not bothered her before.

My friend said they'd have a covid test before they came to visit and we said we'd have one before we went to mums so I really can't see the huge issue. (Besides a narcissist trying to control the narrative)
Aibu?

OP posts:
TreborBore · 15/12/2021 23:20

If your Mum is genuinely worried, I am not sure what you can do. It is a difficult situation for you.

There isn’t enough information about the new variant to be able to say what the effect might be should your Mum get it, so she’s thinking of the worst case scenario and probably wants to play safe until there is more information. Although the odds of her getting through ok must be improved by her vaccination status you would think….

lljkk · 15/12/2021 23:22

How did she discover your friend hasn’t had the vacc?

CandyCane17 · 15/12/2021 23:25

As others have said, vaccines help to prevent serious illness. I know lots of people, myself included, who are double jabbed and still caught it. Personally, I would be more comfortable with someone who was unvaccinated and testing regularly than someone who was double jabbed and not testing.

Crinkle77 · 15/12/2021 23:25

@XenoBitch

Your mum is BU. Will your friend be ok with doing an LFT? She can't spread Covid if she does not have it. I honestly can't get the hysteria that triple jabbed people have about unvaccinated people. Do they not trust their vaccines? And if not, why the insistence that other people get them? I hope you manage to arrange something OP. Sounds difficult.
LFT's aren't reliable. I've known a few people who have had negative LFT's but positive pcr tests.
Crinkle77 · 15/12/2021 23:26

But yes totally agree about the vaccinated spreading it too.

Original poster
BloodyC19Xmas · 15/12/2021 23:30

Just to answer a few q's....

My mum will have her husband, my brother, his wife and their kids and my dad all at her house still on Xmas day.

Just me, hubby and my 2 young kids who will be 'shunned'

Tbh we have a rocky history and rational or not; I'm feeling very angry about it atm.

She found out friend is unvaxxed because she overheard a conversation.

She is classed as vulnerable because of fibromyalgia.

OP posts:
TwinklyBranch · 15/12/2021 23:31

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Put your mum and your kids first and tell your friend you'll see them another time.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/12/2021 23:37

Canceling your friend will only make your mum feel better. Other than that it does not accomplish anything in the way of prevention.

Honestly with your last update my response would be “That’s a shame. We’re not going to change plans with Judy, we’ll give you a call on Christmas and maybe next year we can all get together again”

Cryalot2 · 15/12/2021 23:46

No one really wants covid ( maybe they do) or to be ill.

Having had it and lost family and friends and dh was seriously ill in hospital and we had little communication for over a week before the vaccine, I wouldn't wish anyone to have it.

We try to take all precautions as we have lost enough and suffered enough.

You can't blame anyone for trying to stay safe and avoid it.

Flowersandhearts · 15/12/2021 23:47

** sorry that was supposed to say 'I don't think she's being at all unreasonable'!

Divebar2021 · 15/12/2021 23:48

Your friend will be going by lunchtime anyway so are you happy for your children to miss Christmas lunch with the extended family and all the general excitement ?

XenoBitch · 15/12/2021 23:48

LFT's aren't reliable. I've known a few people who have had negative LFT's but positive pcr tests

@Crinkle77

Being vaccinated is not a guarantee you are not infected either.

RedHelenB · 16/12/2021 00:45

I couldn't disappoint my children who enjoy their Christmas Dinner with their wider family. So it's a yabu from me, as a friend she should understand surely?

Thefuturestory · 16/12/2021 00:59

I’d choose friend. Your relationship with mum sounds quite difficult. I’m sure you’ll have more fun with fun and your children won’t miss the tense atmosphere with your mother.

Juniper68 · 16/12/2021 01:02

I'd choose friend. Especially as you said dm is a narcissist.

DogsandCatsB4u · 16/12/2021 01:03

Your mum is vaccinated why is she so worried if she believes in the vaccine?

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/12/2021 02:06

I would choose friend, tell your kids you can't go to Grandmas because of the risk you as a family pose in passing on covid. If they then ask her why OTHER family members were there.. thats down to Grandma to explain!

Your friend needs you. Your mum doesn't. Kids christmas will NOT be ruined by not seeing manipulative grandma on Christmas day.

PutYourBackIntoit · 16/12/2021 08:08

@WiddlinDiddlin

I would choose friend, tell your kids you can't go to Grandmas because of the risk you as a family pose in passing on covid. If they then ask her why OTHER family members were there.. thats down to Grandma to explain!

Your friend needs you. Your mum doesn't. Kids christmas will NOT be ruined by not seeing manipulative grandma on Christmas day.

I agree with this.

Have a lovely Christmas, OP.

cherrypie66 · 16/12/2021 08:13

Being vaccinated still means you can pass it on so I don't see the issue

icedcoffees · 16/12/2021 08:17

I don't know the vaccine status of anyone outside my family. It would certainly never occur to me to ask people if they were vaccinated before they visited my house Blush

Dozer · 16/12/2021 08:18

Big drip feed there about your relationship with your mum!

You sound clear that your priority is your friend.

Unvaccinated people are more likely than vaccinated people to pass on the virus to others, but as you and DH are around lots of people at work anyway, your mum’s stance seems illogical.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 16/12/2021 08:42

This is the most quickly transmissible variant we have had to date, and your mum is clinically vulnerable. She's entitled to take this stance, and you will just have to decide how you are going to react.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/12/2021 09:02

Why is she worried about catching it from your unvaxxed friend but not your unvaxxed kids? I don't understand the logic.

InexperiencedDogOwner · 16/12/2021 09:02

She's got just as much chance of catching it from the other grandchildren visiting who are unvaccinated if she's so concerned about people not being vaxxed. Also will everyone have had their booster? As according to bojo, 2 jabs don't work against omicron anyway so if anyone's not triple jabbed they will be just as much "risk"

RockinHorseShit · 16/12/2021 10:14

Your mum is NBU, you are

An old friend of ours just died of Omicron, he was double vaccinated & not due his 3rd when he went into hospital

Your friend has made her antisocial choice not to get vaccinated, & yiu are supporting her in that by inviting her to yours regardless. That's a risk to your DM too