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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bad behaviour in 7 year old help.!

45 replies

Specialk2021 · 15/12/2021 21:28

I have a 7 year old step daughter and tbh her behaviour is out of control.. she dosent like anything that is not going her way or the word no I mean yeah what kid does like it but this is getting beyond a joke now.. she throws tantrums at absolutely anything possible.. I’ve tried naughty step, reward charts that just get torn up every time I use them.. I’ve tried ignoring it but she throws stuff bangs on stairs on walls screams it’s impossible to ignore her. She is driving a wedge between me and her dad the school just want to refer her to a councillor but she won’t speak to anyone unless it’s family.. I’m completely at a loss with what to do with her and I’m on the verge of packing my stuff and moving out.. btw she is my step daughter.. I can’t do this for much longer please help

OP posts:
Bubblty · 15/12/2021 21:30

Why are you the one doing the reward charts? How long have you been their stepmum? I don't mean this harshly but she might not care about rewards from you, it might be best for dad to do them?

Bubblty · 15/12/2021 21:31

What does dad do when she's getting violent?

Nc123 · 15/12/2021 21:31

Could it be Passive Demand Avoidance?

Boshmama · 15/12/2021 21:31

You’re not in charge of discipline- her mum and dad should be doing it. Of course she isn’t going to listen to you.

Embracelife · 15/12/2021 21:33

Let the school refer
Counsellor will find a way
Does she have a mother or is she full time with you and her dad?
What life issues is she dealing with?
Behaviour is communication

Original poster
Specialk2021 · 22/12/2021 20:58

Her mum is involved but dad has full custody.. the mother let’s her do what she wants at hers one night a week which back fires when she comes home and there’s rules.. I’m the one who’s looking after them through school holidays when he is working but when he gets home I have to go to work.. having kick off after kick off everyday when she dosent want to get dressed or dosent do what she wants to do.. I’m at a total loss I’m dreading Xmas day because she won’t say thank you for anything off anybody.. I’m sitting every night crying and my eldest stepdaughter who I’m close with is the one telling me it will be ok..

OP posts:
Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 20:37

I know it’s probably not going to get seen but can anyone private chat.? I’m seriously about to loose my absolute shit.. sat fucking crying can’t cope anymore

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/12/2021 20:43

Pi

Viviennemary · 23/12/2021 20:46

Sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this amount of bad behaviour. Her parents need to step up and deal with it. In your position I would move out. It's making your life a misery.

danni0509 · 23/12/2021 20:49

What is she like at school? Have you thought she may have additional needs?

Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 20:50

I’m in tears every night with it.. yeah I understand d works but I’m looking after 3 kids doing shopping cooking washing cleaning yes everything a mother should do but I get no help.. he comes home goes for a shower sits eats tea and goes to bed at 6.. I’m on my last nerve I need help or advice.. do I call the whole wedding off next year pack my shit and leave or speak to him

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/12/2021 20:50

Sounds like trauma response.
Why does she not see her mom more?
Is there history?
There is a quote that says kids who need love the most, will ask for it in the most difficult of ways.

Wishtherewasmore · 23/12/2021 20:52

Her parents could start with talking to the school SENCO or a family support worker at your local SureStart children’s centre.

Behaviour is part of communication and either something is affecting/upsetting her, parenting style, or there could be an underlying behavioural condition.

You absolutely should not have to put up with this behaviour on your own. Either your DH takes steps to address this or you walk away.

cansu · 23/12/2021 20:54

There is a book ofte recommended on here called the explosive child. Why not have a look? It sounds like the current strategy isn't working. Try a different approach?

mintyme · 23/12/2021 20:56

Don’t marry this man until you sort this situation out!

Are all 3 kids his? And after work he eats dinner and the then goes off to bed while you do pretty much everything for his children? If so then he’s using you as a nanny/housekeeper if this is pretty much his involvement in yours and his kids lives. Run and don’t marry this man.

Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 20:58

It’s court ordered she sees her once a week through school time and through holidays she can go 2-3 times over night a week which I know it probably sounds selfish but I’m glad and I look forward to Saturday night when she’s not here not having to tread on eggshells with her.. she lost it this morning over the wrong colour bowl for her breakfast I kid you not it took 3 hours of screaming crying banging for her to stop.. I’ve told d she has behaviour issues but he won’t accept it.. I said to myself the other day if I knew she was like this before I moved in I wouldn’t have and I wouldn’t have started seeing her dad..

OP posts:
Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 20:58

And the 3 kids are as follows 2 step kids ages 7 and 11 and one of my own which is also 7

OP posts:
Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 20:59

Cansu.. thanks I will have a look for that book anything to help

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Startrooper · 23/12/2021 21:02

Call the wedding off until he makes a genuine effort, with or without the child’s DM, to address her behaviour. If he doesn’t then cut your losses and walk away.

This is no life for you, and while the child has clearly got issues of some sort, it’s up to her parents to address these and seek help.

Also, why on earth are you shouldering the burden of school holidays when she has two parents already? Please address this otherwise you are going to get more unhappy and resentful as time goes on.

danni0509 · 23/12/2021 21:06

Obviously you know this isn’t normal behaviour for a 7 year old. Definitely something going on under the surface. 3 hour meltdown over a bowl, even for a normal child, that would be extreme, but its a behaviour I would more commonly associate with a toddler / preschooler.

I would get your partner to arrange a meeting with her school after the half term to discuss if they have any problems and see what they can do / advise.

Her dad needs to step up too!

You say you tread on egg shells all the time, is she like jekyl and Hyde? flips like a switch etc?

Lockdownbear · 23/12/2021 21:14

Sounds like a girl who's crying out for attention.
How much time does her Dad actually spend with her? And she only sees mum once a week. So she's stuck with Step mum most of the time and pushing all boundaries.
Sounds like your been taking for a mug.

Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 21:14

I’ve spoke to the school yes me because he won’t accept she has issues.. and d and m work full time but so do I yes it’s only 7 hours a week but it’s still work. Dannii you’ve hit the nail on the head with that reference.. this kid can go from 0-100 in a split second. I know my own child is no where near perfect but if she was like this I’d be having her at a councillor or doctor by now. And kicking off with a bowl I’d expect from a 2-3 year old not 7 . I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m already on antidepressants

OP posts:
tiredinoratia · 23/12/2021 21:15

I hear that you are at the end of your tether, but she is 7. She isn't bad, her behaviour isn't bad - you are challenged by it as she doesn't respond in the way you would prefer or expect and that makes you feel out of control which is activating your alarm system - so both of you are dysregulated.

All behaviour is a communication of an underlying unmet emotional or physical need. Sounds like there is some relational trauma in her background which is now being compounded by her current experiences with you. Have a lookup about attachment and some gentle parenting strategies. She needs connection before correction. Hang in there, understand her, see past her behavior and believe in her and she will slowly but surely learn how to regulate herself and tolerate her emotions more effectively which will ultimately make her feel more connected and more likely to engage in a way that you want of her. She doesn't need training with reward charts and time outs she needs loving and understanding. Have a look at why love matters by sue gerdhart, inside Im hurting by louise bomber, the body keeps the score by besel van der kolk, how to stop losing your shit with your kids is a great book too, or sign up to a parenting program like positive parenting solutions that looks at the child under the behavior and how to see them rather than get stuck in an emotionally activated loop. She is relying on you and her dad. She is 7.

Original poster
Specialk2021 · 23/12/2021 21:16

His attention is on her because of her kicking off constantly over anything and everything babying constantly and tbh I feel like a right mug at the min

OP posts:
tiredinoratia · 23/12/2021 21:17

and don't take it personally. how she is treating you and acting is a reflection of how she feels about herself - it's all a clue to what is going on for her - the biggest thing you can do is change your mindset from she is bad to she is having a bad time.