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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my ex's partner

53 replies

ellerehj · 15/12/2021 18:15

If you had a child (5yo) going between households, would you want to meet your exes new partner?
I've been apart from my ex for nearly 3 years and with my new partner for 2. He's been with his new partner for around the same amount of time.
He said he never wants to meet my new partner. But if someone was spending time with your child. Wouldn't you want to meet them? Or AIBU

OP posts:
PotatoGoblins · 15/12/2021 18:17

100% I’d want to meet anyone spending time around my dcs.

Chasingsquirrels · 15/12/2021 18:17

I wasn't bothered about doing so, although it happened in time organically.

VitalsStable · 15/12/2021 18:19

You can ask but he doesn't have to say yes. Do you trust his judgement?

Original poster
Ellerehj · 15/12/2021 18:23

@VitalsStable

You can ask but he doesn't have to say yes. Do you trust his judgement?
Yes I do. Which is why I haven't pushed it in the last 2 years. But surely after 2 years and couldn't even pick the person out of a line up is too long? Not sure if it's worth rocking the boat tho
OP posts:
CrispAndFrosty · 15/12/2021 18:37

@PotatoGoblins

100% I’d want to meet anyone spending time around my dcs.
This. Especially if they might be left alone with them (which any live-in partner would be - is that the situation, or are we talking boyfriend/girlfriend? Less bothered about the latter.)
SleighbellsZ · 15/12/2021 18:44

I'd want to yes

Rexthesnail · 15/12/2021 18:48

I'd never thought about this, I wanted to meet her, and I did, she's lovely. But DS's dad has never said he wanted to meet my DP

Lushplease · 15/12/2021 18:50

I'd definitely want to.meet them.

Cazziebo · 15/12/2021 18:57

Why? What would you do if you didn't like them/disapprove? You can't really do anything at all.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2021 19:00

I would want to out of curiosity and because it's the adult thing to want to do.

But it wouldn't make a shred of difference at the end of the day, as it's not going to change their relationship whether I liked them or not.

MintJulia · 15/12/2021 19:18

It depends on the circumstances.

My ex has a new woman who wants to be my new best friend. Or more accurately she wants to be involved in my teen son's life and thinks being friendly with me will achieve that.

I don't like being manipulated, so I choose not to meet her or communicate with her wherever possible. DS can choose to spend time with his dad whenever he wishes and is sensible enough to decide for himself who he wants to spend time with.

girlmom21 · 15/12/2021 19:23

I'm sure you'll meet her eventually. I think I'd want to meet someone who was spending a lot of time with my children.

Original poster
Ellerehj · 15/12/2021 19:36

@Cazziebo

Why? What would you do if you didn't like them/disapprove? You can't really do anything at all.
This is a valid point. I don't think I'd disapprove at all. As far as I can tell she treats my son well. There's no issues at all. I just want to know if you think I should insist I should meet her or just let it be
OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 15/12/2021 19:49

Absolutely 100% I would want to meet anyone who was spending time with my kids.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2021 19:52

I just want to know if you think I should insist I should meet her or just let it be

You can't insist?!

The poor woman will feel as though she's been subpoenaed.

HailAdrian · 15/12/2021 19:54

No and I wouldn't want to meet my partner's ex particularly either.

jackiebenimble · 15/12/2021 19:55

Yes. I met my exes new partner. Just me and her. Was the best thing i ever did. As it cut all of the nonesense out that he peddled. Eye to eye she could see i wasnt a monster and was a perfectly reasonable person.

I didnt want to meet up with her again or swap numbers. But it relieved a lot of my anxiety and cleared the air and called their bluff.

RedWingBoots · 15/12/2021 19:55

You can want to meet her.

However she is an individual and can simply refuse to meet you.

Bubblty · 15/12/2021 20:02

@RedWingBoots

You can want to meet her.

However she is an individual and can simply refuse to meet you.

Exactly. No one owes anyone anything here.

Also if you trusted your partner when you had a child together then trust they have the child's best interests at heart just like you and therefore any partner will be suitable.

If you don't trust their judgement then go to court to limit contact.

RedWingBoots · 15/12/2021 20:05

If you don't trust their judgement then go to court to limit contact.

Please don't go down that path as it isn't in your child's best interests.

Bubblty · 15/12/2021 20:07

@WorraLiberty

I just want to know if you think I should insist I should meet her or just let it be

You can't insist?!

The poor woman will feel as though she's been subpoenaed.

I can't see the original post that said that but yes. Insisting will just make you seem ridiculous.
Theremoresefulday · 15/12/2021 20:09

You can want to. But she can say no. And really if your ex is trustworthy to parent with then you should trust his judgment. If you don’t then the contact needs to be taken back to court.

Original poster
Ellerehj · 15/12/2021 20:11

@Theremoresefulday

You can want to. But she can say no. And really if your ex is trustworthy to parent with then you should trust his judgment. If you don’t then the contact needs to be taken back to court.
Maybe wrong phrasing. I know I can't 'insist' all I wanted I guess was just a rough idea of how many parents find it normal to. Interact with exes other halves or not. I'm Not the kind to force myself in the situation. Just second guessing myself if I'm too uninvolved ☹️
OP posts:
Bubblty · 15/12/2021 20:13

I think you've had a name change fail OP. Your posts aren't green anymore.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 15/12/2021 20:17

I'd question why he and the new woman don't want to meet him! If I'd been with a man for so long I'd want to meet their child, with respectful boundaries obviously.