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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to meet my ex's partner

53 replies

ellerehj · 15/12/2021 18:15

If you had a child (5yo) going between households, would you want to meet your exes new partner?
I've been apart from my ex for nearly 3 years and with my new partner for 2. He's been with his new partner for around the same amount of time.
He said he never wants to meet my new partner. But if someone was spending time with your child. Wouldn't you want to meet them? Or AIBU

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 15/12/2021 20:19

You can want to meet her. You can't insist.

He is the child's parent.

People say they would insists on meeting anyone who is spending time around the child.

Firstly, there's no way you can enforce that. And secondly, do people get their exs in to vet anyone new that will be around the child?

Make a new friend at and your ex has to give them the once over?

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2021 20:19

YABU. What are you going to find out from a single awkward chat? You’re not interviewing a nanny. Time will tell you what you need to know.

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 20:21

No.
There's no point meeting someone who's on their best behaviour (as it's their first meeting with you) or who is a dick (but there's nothing you can do because your ex won't be dumping her on your say so)

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 20:22

Yanbu to want to meet her but she is nbu if she doesn't want to meet you.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/12/2021 20:26

Nope. Ex gf was the ow. I had no interest in meeting her. He has kids one night a fortnight. It really wasn't worth the aggro. And he would of used it against me to show how unreasonable I am. Now on to new gf. Kids say she is nice. That's all I need to know. As I don't need ex vetting the people in my life.

Guavaf1sh · 15/12/2021 20:34

YABU. You have little to gain from meeting her and you can’t demand and it isn’t your right. Whilst it might be nice in theory it has too many drawbacks

GrandmasCat · 15/12/2021 20:35

When my partner’s ex said she wanted to meet me to check I was safe around her kid, I told DP to tell her where to go (to hell obviously, she doesn’t get to call the shots in his relationships after she chose to divorce)

But, I was happy to go an introduce myself to her in a neutral setting when we ended up together, accidentally, in the same place.

If you want to meet her, don’t even mention you want to meet her because she is spending time with your children, that is very controlling. Instead, send her a little gift/card to thank her for what she does for your kids when they are with his dad and let her come to you.

RuthW · 15/12/2021 20:36

I wanted to meet dd's dad's new partner before or at the same time dd did. I also gave him the same option with my partner.

user38764345 · 15/12/2021 20:38

No I wouldn't want to meet. I would trust my partners judgement and would meet them over time in handovers etc.
I wouldn't make it a "thing" and make it awkward or uncomfortable for anyone

Woodmarsh · 15/12/2021 21:01

@GrandmasCat love your post

As others have said OP it's not really your choice

NeverEnoughCats · 15/12/2021 21:14

I’m not interested in meeting my exes new partner (if he has one, I don’t know anything about his private life), and I would expect him to trust my judgement on my partner (who I and the kids live with, along with my partners kids). I’ve not met my partners ex, and she has no interest in meeting me, and my partner has no interest in meeting her new partner either, despite his kids being there 50% of the time.

Ex and I no longer love each other and don’t have a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t trust him to behave in the best interests of the kids, and that he doesn’t trust me. We both hold our children at the front of everything we do, and this is just part of that.

Offmyfence · 15/12/2021 21:22

You don't have the right, but you can request.

Woodmarsh · 15/12/2021 21:30

Why does anyone want to do this?

OH ex asked to meet me so she could lay out boundaries, she got told no

ToodlePipPop · 15/12/2021 21:32

I just want to know if you think I should insist I should meet her or just let it be

You would be totally unreasonable to insist yes.

Just let it happen organically. She may have no desire to meet you and that is perfectly valid.

Honestly I understand in a way why you'd want to. But it's not just down to you, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want and if your ex is a trustworthy parent then you have to let that be.

I also don't really get the whole "I want to meet anyone who's spending time with my child" arguments you get. As if meeting for 5 minutes will tell you anything at all about the person. You won't know her any better than you do now just from a short hello.

NoCauseRebel · 15/12/2021 21:35

I don’t see the point.

I think it’s one thing to be uncomfortable if e.g. the new partner avoided you in neutral settings, but insisting you meet them shows some hostility in itself. It’s as if you’re insisting you have a say in who spends time with your children, which when they’re with their dad, you don’t. In the same way that he shouldn’t be able to insist on meeting your new partner.

Also, a meeting is hardly indicative of anything. I met my eXH’s new partner a few months into their relationship. I actually liked her and remember saying to my mum that I wouldn’t have any reservations about my DC going on holiday etc with her there.

But the instant they moved in together she changed completely into a controlling bitch who essentially drove my DC and my ex’s family and friends away so their lives could revolve around her and her children. Nobody could have seen that one coming, including XH, but by then it was to late as she was already pregnant so he didn’t feel able to leave.

ToodlePipPop · 15/12/2021 21:37

@RuthW

I wanted to meet dd's dad's new partner before or at the same time dd did. I also gave him the same option with my partner.

Sorry I find this really weird and I'd think you were going to be a nightmare ex if a partner told me you wanted to meet me at the same time his child did.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/12/2021 21:41

No. I don't know what it would achieve. If someone insisted on meeting me I'd be pretty pissed.

sbhydrogen · 15/12/2021 21:44

I'm not in this position but I'd want to meet them. There's not much you can do if you don't like them, but you can at least have a conversation.

BobLemon · 15/12/2021 21:46

What’s that thing about knowing what you can’t control? And making peace with it? Maybe your Ex has achieved this. My OH has no interest in meeting any of his ExW’s boyfriends. She was desperate to meet me though. I agreed (against his wishes) because I thought the same about “I’d want to meet someone spending time round my children”. It was nothing to do with the DCs. It was just burning curiosity and a good dose of resentment.

ToodlePipPop · 15/12/2021 21:46

@sbhydrogen

I'm not in this position but I'd want to meet them. There's not much you can do if you don't like them, but you can at least have a conversation.

About what?

Its not an interview.

Confusedteacher · 15/12/2021 21:50

I think if it happens naturally at drop off or pick up, that’s great. It’s nice for the kids to see you’re on speaking terms etc. I don’t think I would have liked a formal arranged ‘meeting’ with either my exH’s new partner or DP’s ex to be honest!

Ginger1982 · 15/12/2021 22:33

I would want at least a brief meeting with someone spending a significant amount of personal time with my child.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 15/12/2021 22:38

Please don’t limit contact because you’ve not met the new partner! That’s ridiculous and courts wouldn’t look on this positively.

I’m a SM and I met DSDs Mum organically after a couple of months, we get on really well. But maybe just let it happen naturally?

ToodlePipPop · 16/12/2021 05:09

@Ginger1982

I would want at least a brief meeting with someone spending a significant amount of personal time with my child.

And that would tell you what exactly?

girlmom21 · 16/12/2021 07:56

@ToodlePipPop if doesn't need to tell you anything - it's just good to put a face to a name and have a basic idea of a person, like when you meet your cousins new partner at a family gathering.

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