To ask you for your experiences and conflict management tips for this situation?

[TheMILinatorReturns]

So it's a work situation I have to go into a meeting in a toxic environment where my boss and I will be fired upon by a guy from another company who is a total arse but in a senior role to me. Last meeting he interrogated us in front of the client, picked fault with every single thing we had done -even really stupid pointless arguments. I can do constructive criticism but this was very nasty trying to blind with science, lead you around in circles until you are all confused/stuck in a corner stuff, jumping on every word and twisting it, the kind of behaviour I might expect perhaps from a prosecutor in court to be honest (we are not lawyers!). I can't say what type of work it is as would be outing but we are the only ones trying to achieve something on this project, have actually done some amazing works to date on a project with a difficult stakeholder and this guy is grinding progress to a halt. I think he is doing this as his agenda may be to try to make us look incompetent in front of the client and insert his company into the role as he has seen pound signs. AIBU to think there is a way I can deal with this to head this guy off without seeming confrontational or just letting him steamroller us? Is there a middle way? Maybe I have just been lucky to get this far in but I have never had to deal with this level of jerk (at work!) before. Anyone had this at their work and how did you deal with it if so? I'm totally blindsided! Sorry if this is wrong place to post but desperate for a response having sleepless nights about this meeting! 😟 Please help!

Get in quickly at the start of the meeting and name the elephant in the room - that he’s a bully, whilst ensuring that you look professional. Something like “Having had time to reflect on our last meeting, I found your style of criticism unhelpful to moving the project forward and wish to focus on finding solutions in this meeting”. Then really focus on the client and what they want.

Sounds like an arsehole!

My first thought is to find another way to achieve whatever the meeting is intended to achieve.

Why is the meeting needed?

Sorry you have to deal with this twat. My advice would be

• stay calm
• don't disagree with him, ask him to explain what he means eg 'you said the report was confusing, we've had good feedback so it would help if you can point to a specific example'
• have key phrases/stats regarding things that you and your colleague have achieved ready and just keep repeating them like he's thick and you're explaining to a child

If you can give some vague examples we can maybe help a bit more!

Good luck

When is it? Do you have a chance to set a fairly right agenda in advance? Then chair the meeting really strongly - no deviation from agenda and if he's getting bogged down on one section as him to send it by email after or refocus on solutions so you can move on to next item.

Keep saying "it is not clear what you are trying to achieve by this line of questioning. What is the actual point you are making?"

Amazing advice so far thank you so much. The problem is I will be like jelly before because I now know what I am walking into. I am chairing so I've already set the agenda, it's supposed to be a highlevel project progress meeting. I think l like the stick to the agenda as if he has lots of complaints I will just tell him he need to email us his concerns so that we can response appropriately. Also like the what are you trying to achieve! Because he knows damn well it isn't actually in the clients interest to derail the project. An example would be he turned up at the project site and spoke to several of the contractors also interrogated them and rubbished their (excellent in my professional opinion) work, asked stupid questions, they kept having to repeat themselves to him so I think he was either trying the circles thing or is genuinely senile. Totally demoralised them, one of them phoned up so angry and called him a w*nker, luckily it wasn't to his face! It's tomorrow. I hate this guy already but I do not want to let him beat me! 😡

If he rabbits on and you're chairing can you introduce a thing where each person is given max. 2/3 mins to speak at a time?

Thanks for your point, point but Just to challenge x, y, z'.

Know your shit inside out.

Good luck he sounds like an absolute arse.

Absolutely stick to the letter of the agenda like glue and refuse to allow the discussion to go off topic. It will require very strong chairing as he is obviously a bully but you must stay calm, don't feel pushed to respond in a hurry - take your time over every response, speak slowly, if necessary ask him to repeat himself, then repeat his question/complaint whatever back to him "So what you are saying/asking is....... is that right?" It gives you time to think, and also control the pace of the discussion.

I really like the suggestion of turning his complaints back on to him - what are you trying to achieve? What exactly is the point you are trying to make?

Don't let him get away with sweeping statements and generalisations. Insist he gives you evidenced examples.

If he tries to lead the discussion round in circles, asking the same question which has already been answered - stock phrases such as "we've discussed that already and my answer hasn't changed". "As I have already pointed out....." and keep repeating previous response if necessary but no more than once and then invoke your right as chairman to move the agenda forward as that point has been dealt with.

I'm an experienced project manager although it sounds like maybe a different field.

This really is a question of your relationship with your client. As you probably know, project progress meetings shouldn't be a surprise or telling the client things that they're shocked to hear. You should have ongoing clear communication and a good way of updating them (weekly if not more often) so by the time this meeting swings round its just a chance for them to ask questions and get more information.

If thats the case and you have set up the client relationship properly, theres a good chance they think this guy is a douchebag too.

As for the meeting itself I'd avoid being directly confrontational. Every time he asks a difficult question, take a long pause and raise your eyebrows. Use his name a lot. Use the clients name a lot and direct your answers towards them. Smile, use relaxed body language. You don't have anything to hide. You're in charge, you're doing a great job, and thats the body language and demeanour you want to put across. This guy is being an annoying toddler.

One thing I've found helpful is calling out when you set the agenda at the start of the meeting when you'll be taking questions. "I'm going to run through the project plan first. Client name, please chip in with any questions. Then at the end we'll look at the milestones and then if Nobhead or anyone else have any other business we can take more questions at the end"

Good luck, and try not to let this person get under your skin. Thats what they want.

I really disagree with previous posters, I wouldn't use the words 'challenge', 'I'm just', 'but', "as I've already said" or ask directly at all "what are you trying to achieve". The only answer you will get from this type of person is bullshit and suck up. And what he's trying to do is wind you up and make you look bad in front of your client.

Talk over his wrong statements as you would a toddler, repeat yourself, take on a calm and happy demeanour. Say how great it is to have his input. "What a great question Jeff. Let me direct our attention to slide 10 in my pack which shows the target financials being on track for the next quarter" and then on with whatever you were going to say anyway.

Ahhh , every project has a wanker. I find the most useful thing is to get a quite word in with the client- give them a lift, turn up early for a coffee etc. and Say something along the lines of “ I’m sure Mr Smith is keen to impress upon you what an asset to the team he is, however he is not a qualified and indemnified professional designer/ engineer/ dr/ other and some of his comments are less than helpful , incorrect and in some cares missleading. Where I am always keen to listen to others ideas , as a professional employed by you to provide a service, I can only take responsibility for the work that I do in the advice I give you. I am afraid that any advice or opinion offered by Mr Smith should be taken with a pinch of salt”. Do it in a friendly , off the record kind of chat. High lighting he is a Wanker to the client in the nicest possible way will ensure he makes a holy show of himself every time he opens his mouth. Sit back , get the popcorn in and watch him dig 😆
It is possible to protect yourself from that arse wipe. Always be professional, never ever lose your rag and minute every thing - even telephone conversations.

I wouldn't say anything directly about him or his questioning at the meeting, but I would say something like "we've got quite a packed agenda so appreciate it if we can keep any questions to the end". If the session is on teams or similar you could ask people to write down their questions to be addressed at the end.

But frankly you - or someone senior to you - needs to have a come to Jesus conversation with this idiot and tell him to stop embarrassing your company. Or go through the deck with him in advance so he gets all his challenges out of the way.

Is this a face to face meeting?

In this situation I have sidelined the aggressive party by having a pre meet with just the client. Even if it's just a phone call or zoom call. You may find they are aware of how overbearing this person is and you can feel more confident going into the meeting knowing that you and client are on same page.

I don't mean have the meeting to winge about the bully - just a pre meet to talk about a, b, c. Make it up Then be very positive, trty to preempt issues you think bully will raise etc.

As a last resort "Are you quite well?" can be useful.

Really just echoing the already great advice I would suggest:
Make the most of chairing the meeting... clear agenda, give each topic a time limit and make it clear you will need to keep discussion focused on key points to get through it all within the time. This is therefore giving everyone a heads up that you will redirect discussion where you see it getting off topic.
Have an open and relaxed manner, but be ready to directly challenge any dodgy comments. You can do this without being confrontational. Ask him to explain exactly what he is trying to say or imply. Ask what evidence he has for making any assumptions or negative feedback.
And yes, know your shit inside out and present it clearly and logically with evidence to back it up.
Good luck- he sounds like a dick!

Can you elaborate on what exactly his role is here? You’re employed by the client to run the project, is that right? (Ie. Your company). Is this guy retained by the client as a consultant? Or is he employed by some other organisation with a role / relationship to the client or to your company? I think the specifics of what exactly his status is will have a big impact on how you should approach the situation.

@Jennifer2r

I'm an experienced project manager although it sounds like maybe a different field.

This really is a question of your relationship with your client. As you probably know, project progress meetings shouldn't be a surprise or telling the client things that they're shocked to hear. You should have ongoing clear communication and a good way of updating them (weekly if not more often) so by the time this meeting swings round its just a chance for them to ask questions and get more information.

If thats the case and you have set up the client relationship properly, theres a good chance they think this guy is a douchebag too.

As for the meeting itself I'd avoid being directly confrontational. Every time he asks a difficult question, take a long pause and raise your eyebrows. Use his name a lot. Use the clients name a lot and direct your answers towards them. Smile, use relaxed body language. You don't have anything to hide. You're in charge, you're doing a great job, and thats the body language and demeanour you want to put across. This guy is being an annoying toddler.

One thing I've found helpful is calling out when you set the agenda at the start of the meeting when you'll be taking questions. "I'm going to run through the project plan first. Client name, please chip in with any questions. Then at the end we'll look at the milestones and then if Nobhead or anyone else have any other business we can take more questions at the end"

Good luck, and try not to let this person get under your skin. Thats what they want.

There shouldn't be any surprises really for my clients but the point of the meeting is to update the end user of the project who is not the main client but a secondary client. There are complicated and contractual relationships which are beyond my paygrade also at play. I am a technical professional not a pure project manager so I definitely am not an expert at the latter. But I have had my fair share of projects so like to think I have picked up a few skills! Unfortunately as with many things you can put two technical professionals in a room and they will disagree on how to approach certain aspects especially where guidance is woolly. I did suggest a third opinion on one particularly vexatious item last time and he went quiet. He is working on a fee basis I am not if that has any relevance.

@SportsMother

What’s his official purpose? Is he in a Project Auditing role?

He is employed by the end user (not my main client the owner but they are a secondary client and we have tried to keep them involved from day 1 when initially they weren't that interested ) as a consultant. The director of this company is on the board of the end user if that also helps. He is picking on a part of the project which is nearly at its end and which they signed off on the methodology originally.. I'm sorry I cannot give anymore detail to help it make more sense!

All the suggestions sound great, one thing that stuck out to me is you saying you go to jelly. I am like that with big presentations or interviews but get prescribed propanol/beta blockers. It is non habit forming anti anxiety and does not cause slurring or anything but it stops the physical signs of anxiety, racing heart or wobbly voice. Really helpful and you can order them from online uk pharmacists who will also sort out the prescription, usually fast delivery too. One tablet and the phrases given hear and the arse will not know what has hit them! I found out about them on mumsnet and have only used a couple of times but really helped me.

Ok so I'm still struggling to understand his role a bit, but I can totally imagine him based on your description. So do the scene setting at the beginning- questions at the end etc. - then if he does start derailing, refer it back to your main client i.e. Wayne has mentioned concerns with the left flange, is this a concern to you Mr Actual Client ?

Ok so the project or site or whatever it is is owned by one company but actually used by another? And you’re contracted to the owner while he is contracted by the user? So it’s important to meet the owner’s requirements but the owner will also care about what the user thinks?

Did he sign off on the stuff he’s seeking to revisit or did someone else from his firm / representing the user sign off on it?

I would suggest that if he has lots of questions about the technical stuff, rather than the general progress, that you schedule a separate meeting without the client, to take a "deep dive" into technical things, with a summary given out to clients at the end.

That way it doesn't play out in front of the client, and you can be more direct with him about his behaviour. Potentially, you could also bring in other people with the knowledge to support you.

Of course, the client who is paying him would need to agree that this is OK.

I also think you should agree with the client that he won't visit sites without you/one of your team there as it causes delay to the work.