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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want somebody to get through to weed smoking son

40 replies

Comingup · 14/12/2021 22:16

He smokes it every day. His attendance and grades are poor at college. Have reached the end of my tether, as tonight's conversation was him telling me that yes he will get high and drive a car when he passes and yes he will get in cars with his stoned mates ...and I am clueless and have never done it so don't know anything. Laughing about it, even though I have told him the risks, thinks its all a big joke.
Have tried help from college ,gp Frank. Was thinking of getting a community pc to talk to him. Nothing and nobody can get through to him so maybe that's no good either.. I don't know what to do, it is destroying my MH.

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 14/12/2021 22:23

Read the book Tell Your Children, which explains the dire consequences of marijuana use. It can precipitate psychosis, cause apathy, and dull mental functions by destroying the myelin sheaths of brain nerve cells. Tell him you won’t pay for driving lessons, a car, or insurance until he gives up the chronic.

endofthelinefinally · 14/12/2021 22:26

www.drugfam.co.uk/
I think if I had known about this organisation years ago it might have been helpful.

KitBumbleB · 14/12/2021 22:27

Where does he get the money to buy it?

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2021 22:29

He can afford driving lessons, to buy, insure and run a car, and keep himself in weed?

OneRuleForThem · 14/12/2021 22:29

Take him to a homeless person on the street who is in thar situation because of an addiction to weed and say to him: this is what may happen. Make him look at him in his eyes

HellToupee · 14/12/2021 22:37

OP, this won’t help you right now but I’ve been where you are with my DS.

He was at college, smoked every day. In all honesty there were moments he could barely string a coherent sentence together. I was at my wit’s end. Like you, I looked to various sources for help but had no joy.

He miraculously finished college with a merit. It took him about 2 months to “adjust to the real world” but he now has a full-time job and has given up smoking altogether.

I’m his words “it doesn’t work with my job mum; I want to give this my all so THAT has got to go. Time to grow up…”

You could have scraped me off the floor! We are now a good few months on and I truly feel like I have my boy back.

Hang in there OP. Sending you all my best. Your boy will be okay. Sadly only when he is ready Flowers

2irishmums2be · 14/12/2021 22:40

Check what the sanctions are for driving while stoned in Amsterdam or Malta? I'm not sure but must be considered sane as drink driving?

Friend of mine wasted her life smoking,eliminating friends etc. All good craic until you're addicted

HeyArnoldHey · 14/12/2021 22:42

@OneRuleForThem

Take him to a homeless person on the street who is in thar situation because of an addiction to weed and say to him: this is what may happen. Make him look at him in his eyes
Mmm sorry but I don't think weed leads to a life on the streets?!!

I don't smoke it and never have but know plenty of people who do and they have good jobs, good homes etc

Not condoning it but I really don't think there's much you can do I'm afraid but hope the phase passes. How old is he?

HellToupee · 14/12/2021 23:00

I just wanted to add this; I am Dutch and whilst I smoked my fair share of weed in my younger days, it was NEVER like what I see here in the UK.

“Forbidden fruit is all the sweeter”, as they say. In the Netherlands there is no hype, no coolness factor attached to smoking weed. It’s more a right of passage. Not an everyday thing.

I can’t vouch for current Dutch stats/views as I left the country a long time ago but I am convinced that had there been no secretive, naughty/illegal and cool vibe attached to weed/drugs in general in this country my son would never gotten himself into the predicament he was in.

Again, personal view.

Btw, the fine for driving stoned in The Netherlands is a minimum fine of 10,000 EUR and your license suspended for at least 9 months.

endofthelinefinally · 14/12/2021 23:04

I have said this before on here. The majority of people who smoke weed will come through it and be ok. However, there are a small number of people, usually with addictive personality disorder (which has a strong genetic association) who progress to harder drugs and develop psychosis and/or brain damage. It isn't generally possible to tell which sort of teenager you have got, so IMO it is worth trying whatever you can to intervene at an early stage.
This happened to my son and it ended badly.
I get very upset when so many posters on here brush it off as being trivial. It isn't always and not for everyone.

TheMadGardener · 14/12/2021 23:23

Does he have enough money to buy weed, pay for driving lessons and a car without any help from you? If you're financing any of this, don't.
I have a friend who's a driving test examiner and if a candidate got in the car smelling of weed that would be the end of the test (and as you know it's a smell that tends to linger).
Drugfam as recommended is a helpful organisation.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 14/12/2021 23:28

@endofthelinefinally

I have said this before on here. The majority of people who smoke weed will come through it and be ok. However, there are a small number of people, usually with addictive personality disorder (which has a strong genetic association) who progress to harder drugs and develop psychosis and/or brain damage. It isn't generally possible to tell which sort of teenager you have got, so IMO it is worth trying whatever you can to intervene at an early stage. This happened to my son and it ended badly. I get very upset when so many posters on here brush it off as being trivial. It isn't always and not for everyone.
Agree. When I was 18-21 most of my friends smoked. Majority stopped by 25 or so. You also don't know what you are financing when you buy it (many cases of human slavery in marijuana farms) so it's not at all harmless unless you know for sure it's just grown in someones house for fun.
SophieKat1982 · 14/12/2021 23:28

I went through this with my now 19 year old son. I was constantly worried about him at the time but remained stable and calm on the outside. I learned that it was a rollercoaster that did not benefit from having more drama added to it. I read and heeded the advise given on the Frank website and had honest, calm conversations with him at appropriate times.

Slowly, he emerged from it and fell into healthier pastimes. I think that giving him less to rebel against gave him less to rebel against. He was in a peer group that spent a couple of years experimenting. I was actually less worried about weed than I was the pills I knew they were also doing. I educated him on the long term paranoia weed smoking can cause citing examples of people I work with who are daily weed smokers and suffer from paranoia and depression. But I never nagged him. I think if he had ever told me that he’d get into a stoned friends car, I would have told him that in that case he’s an idiot and just left it there.

He eventually emerged from it and is doing really well at university and work now. He’d rather play his guitar than smoke weed.

I hope this helps a little. Stay strong. It’s a trying and testing time.

XenoBitch · 14/12/2021 23:29

If you think he is going to drive under the influence, then you can call the police. It is horrible, but it will be a wake up call.

Weed is not as harmless as people think. I have been in psychiatric wards with people who though weed was harmless.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 14/12/2021 23:35

I agree with telling him you will be calling the police (and actually do it) if you suspect he or another driver is driving under influence. Better that than maybe killing somebody.

drowningwitch · 14/12/2021 23:38

I'm sorry to hear of this situation OP.

There are some absurd suggestions made by some other posters above, particularly the nonsense about people made homeless by weed addiction. It's exactly that kind of hyperbole that doesn't help anything other than make those who smoke regularly (and know about that subculture) laugh.

I would really engage with him about what he gets out of smoking, whether he thinks there is anything else he'd like to spend time doing, and make it clear that you care about his safety, even if he's an adult. Let him explain to you how he sees it all, and listen without being judgemental (I'm not saying you are, rather just that it's quite common for this to be the sticking point between people who use drugs and people who don't). Almost everyone I know that smoked weed heavily got out of the habit by their mid-20s. Those very few that continued into their 40s haven't done themselves any favours, socially or economically, but it's never been clear to me whether the weed is just them "self-medicating" to make up for something they miss elsewhere.

Read some proper resources about drugs and their use and abuse. The spectrum of use is much broader than many think, with many drugs having been socially acceptable until someone branded them as immoral or inconsistent with newly imposed societal values. Just look at alcohol. It helps to have some good knowledge about this stuff.

OneRuleForThem · 15/12/2021 00:04

You also don't know what you are financing when you buy it (many cases of human slavery in marijuana farms) so it's not at all harmless unless you know for sure it's just grown in someones house for fun.

I take it you buy only ethical clothing and do not purchase any technology by any major brands?? because all of these routinely involve human everyday slavery, but people feel like “well I have to have clothing or I have to have a TV. So they try and justify it when it’s the same thing

OneRuleForThem · 15/12/2021 00:05

That was to @AnotherOneWithNoGoodName

Original poster
Comingup · 15/12/2021 07:05

Thank you for all the replies. He holds down a part time job, that's how to money comes in, and takes long shifts. He earned about £500 last month, all gone and asking me to lend him cash.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comingup · 15/12/2021 07:13

Sorry, he is 17. I have had calm conversations with him but he refuses to listen, have sent him resources from Frank etc but he says because I and these people have not done it, we cannot tell him anything or know anything about it!!! Just to clarify, he takes driving lessons but not passed yet. I am hoping the backlog for tests is a really long time..

OP posts:
Ogwen · 15/12/2021 07:18

@OneRuleForThem

Take him to a homeless person on the street who is in thar situation because of an addiction to weed and say to him: this is what may happen. Make him look at him in his eyes
What an ignorant, offensive, hurtful, and rude thing that would be to do to another human being.
UntilBubleSings · 15/12/2021 07:20

Why hope the backlog for tests are a long time when you can thwart his progress now? Refuse to lend him money for starters! No money no weed.

RampantIvy · 15/12/2021 07:22

So you think buying drugs to fund people trafficking is the same as buying a T-shirt from Primark @OneRuleForThem?

Seriously?

sjxoxo · 15/12/2021 07:25

@comingup drugs tests!!
My brother was the exact same. My dad was at the end of his tether, started drugs testing my brother and said If he failed he would be kicked out. It sort of worked, definitely helped ‘get through’. He also reported him to police, found other kids who were involved in it with him and knocked on their doors and told their parents. He went hardball and it nearly drove him mad but it did help to an extent. He also was very clued up on the mental health impacts it can cause exactly as a pp has said. He still brings it up now if my brother struggles with his mental health. I think it was a lot to do with his social circle. My dad took their photos to the police and community support teams! Good luck op xxx
Keep fighting xxx

sjxoxo · 15/12/2021 07:26

The drugs tests are urine based, you can buy them online. My dad gave him money/support based on clean drugs tests. He kicked him out once because he paid my other brother for his clean wee!!!! X

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