To be annoyed by the quote ‘You Are Enough!’

[ChockaChick]

…’Cos maybe you’re not. Maybe the other candidates for the job are more qualified and experienced than you are. Maybe you’ve got a bit complacent and some clients are about to make a justified complaint about you. Maybe you just don’t have sufficient talent g for a lead role in a West End show. Sorry.

I laughed at the OP’s post, at the $10.99 affirmation card, and the OP’s comment about the NHS thank-you email. All very funny.
But I also like some of the thoughtful rebuttals here. I find it sad that a person would have a long train journey trying to cheer themselves up when their business has failed yet again. It’s true that these affirmations are laughable to many but very relevant to some.

Tbh op you should probably look into the research on positive psychology. You might be surprised!

Are there some people who aren’t enough though? Genuine question.

If you’re lucky enough never to have suffered from low self esteem then the saying is not aimed at you. Just ignore it.

Totally agree. I used this as an affirmation for a couple of years while extracting myself from an extremely abusive relationship where i was NEVER enough and spent years trying to be good enough for my ex partner.

It helped me at the time and i finally believe it now.

My new one is "I am strong" - need to work out a bit more to make that one come true as it doesn't seem to be self fulfilling

@ChockaChick

Are there some people who aren’t enough though? Genuine question.

There are people who through no fault of their own aren’t “enough” - either because they’re surrounded by toxicity or because for all sorts of reasons they’re “just not that bright” and they know it. Life can be tough for those people. But yeah of course there are those folk who take all the affirmations as a ticket out of having to roll their sleeves up and do a day’s work.

It's nothing to do with how "bright" you are/are not.

You are enough is a reminder that you don't owe it to anybody to be "more"
Your best efforts are ok. In any category.

You're not contractually obliged to be thin, brave, invincible etc

@AnFiaRuaNua

It's nothing to do with how "bright" you are/are not.

You are enough is a reminder that you don't owe it to anybody to be "more"
Your best efforts are ok. In any category.

You're not contractually obliged to be thin, brave, invincible etc

No of course not - but you can feel pressurised to be so. And if you’re not good at things when everyone is, you can feel “not enough”. Hence the value of positive thinking.

Provided, as I said, you’re not using it as an excuse to kick back and let everyone else do the work.

I suppose the downside of too much positive thinking is that you get the people who are deluded that they’re just as gifted and productive in every way as eg Einstein and deserve to be recompensed as such. Which I guess brings us back to the OP’s point…

How does a person get better at a feeling?
Feeling adequate. You are enough isnt about results or performance. Its about how you feel about yourself.

Self compassion is proven to help people have some detachment from their emotions and judge themselves less harshly.

A really high number of people have a very critical inner voice and the simplicity and the self-compassion in the message "you are enough'' is not going to result in the person lowering their bar as many fear, the opposite is true. Believing you"re adequate as you are and have the right to just "be" makes people more resilient, more likely to put them selves out there and better able to take failures less personally.

It's nothing to do with external things such as jobs, you Wolly!
It's about internal happiness and that there is no need to prove yourself. So if you didn't get the job, you would be ok with that.

You have taken it completely wrong.

I have said this quite a lot in recent months. My friend is going through a messy divorce where her DH left her for another woman. She kept asking why wasn't she good enough for him, what she should have done differently, how she could have kept him.
I used the phrase to let her know that it wasn't her failings, it was his. Even if they both played a part in the marriage ending, nothing she did drove him into the arms of another woman. He made that decision all on his own.

I read this quote a lot in a widowed young group I'm in and believe me, it is so useful in that context. Those of us with little children continually worry that we're not enough, we're trying to be mum and dad as well as all the other roles we take on in life. And to hear that you are enough and your children will be OK is something that has got a lot of us through our darkest moments.

AnFiaRuaNua that is very well put, thank you.

I think it's good in certain contexts, as a lot of people constantly feel like they should do better, be better, look better etc - I know personally I always thought I was fat, and looking back on photos of myself in my mid 20s I was bloody lovely, NOW I'm fat!! Haha.

But at the same time it can also make excuses for a poor lifestyle and mental illness - for example saying that someone sitting at home eating junk food all day with no friends or hobbies is 'enough' isn't actually helpful, as they're not 'living'.

I can see the benefit of the quote, but it can also be problematic.

But at the same time it can also make excuses for a poor lifestyle and mental illness - for example saying that someone sitting at home eating junk food all day with no friends or hobbies is 'enough' isn't actually helpful, as they're not 'living'

I do understand this point but I also think that sitting at home all day eating junk food is usually because of low self esteem or social anxiety due to pressures.
If your starting point is that you have intrinsic value so you deserve to live a life that is full you’re much more likely to stick to it than just berating yourself for not doing enough.

I think being enough and doing enough are two different things.

So If you’re sitting at home eating junk food and not seeing friends, the actions to eat better and implement social interaction can be driven in two ways.
You can say to yourself ‘come on you useless piece of shit you need to prove yourself so put down the cake and get out there’
Or you can say ‘you don’t need to prove anything, you’re enough. But you deserve a healthy body and to live a full life. So put down to cake and het out there’

The action is the same but one will feel totally different to the other.

Enough for what specifically though?

To be.

It can just be neutral. If we are being nice, we could add:
To take care of myself.
To not put myself in harm's way for the hope of approval from others.

If less nice, it can be 'you're enough, not the best, not excellent, not good or great, but enough to exist'

Are there some people who aren’t enough though? Genuine question.

Is anyone in a position to judge someone else as not being enough to be? I can get feeling that way towards someone, but actually making that decision is a different matter.

Maybe it's a sign of our society that something as simple as you are enough somehow gets turned into something about productivity and work. Yeah, like many things in psych, it can become corny and unhelpful when watered down and turned into something more commercial for consumption, I can get why that's annoying like many other affirmations, but we can just be sometimes.

It's not my mantra of choice for reregulating, but it doesn't have to have an expectation of getting something from someone else attached to it or even being that nice. They don't need to be to work for some.

@MoonbeamSprinkles

But at the same time it can also make excuses for a poor lifestyle and mental illness - for example saying that someone sitting at home eating junk food all day with no friends or hobbies is 'enough' isn't actually helpful, as they're not 'living'

I do understand this point but I also think that sitting at home all day eating junk food is usually because of low self esteem or social anxiety due to pressures.
If your starting point is that you have intrinsic value so you deserve to live a life that is full you’re much more likely to stick to it than just berating yourself for not doing enough.

I think being enough and doing enough are two different things.

Absolutely! In fact when I've cancelled plans to see people because (in my head) they don't really want to see me anyway. I'm fat, I'm boring, I didnt wash my hair, I have nothing to add to a get together, being told " we want to see you. Come as you are. We don't care if your hair needs a wash. You are enough" has been the push to get me out of the house.

I don't like the saying. Enough.... like you are OK. Your not great but you will do... thats how I picture it when it's said. Even if that's not what it means

I thought it was more to help anxious people who think they are useless compared to others to realise that they are them, they are not other people, they are 'enough' the way they are.

But not surprised others are using it as an excuse for why they don't improve in their career or life in some way. People are good at finding excuses for their inadequacies.

@AnFiaRuaNua

How does a person get better at a feeling? Feeling adequate. You are enough isnt about results or performance. Its about how you feel about yourself.

Self compassion is proven to help people have some detachment from their emotions and judge themselves less harshly.

A really high number of people have a very critical inner voice and the simplicity and the self-compassion in the message "you are enough'' is not going to result in the person lowering their bar as many fear, the opposite is true. Believing you"re adequate as you are and have the right to just "be" makes people more resilient, more likely to put them selves out there and better able to take failures less personally.

This has made me see the affirmations differently. I think maybe I did miss the point and assume it was about how clever or productive the person was. Thinking now, it’s probably like that study which looked at how to get hotel guests to recycle their towels instead of washing them daily. Two signs were randomly put in the bathrooms. One said “Dear guest, very few guests bother to recycle their towels to save the planet so please help by recycling yours”. The other sign said, “Dear guest, most of our guests are lovely and recycle their towels to help the planet so thank you in advance for recycling yours”. The guests with the second sign were apparently more likely to recycle, as they had been told how lovely they were and now thought of themselves as planet-savers. And like the way many of us parent now, which is to criticise the behaviour not the child, so the child doesn’t grow up hearing “you’re stupid and annoying” but instead “you’re a great kid who knocked over your milk so I know you’ll help to clean it”.

So the positive thinking sort of auto-grooms people into being their best self.

@TheHolyPotato

I understand it as each human having innate value.

This was my understanding too