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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband was way out of line?

80 replies

GrabAHike · 14/12/2021 21:03

"D"H is very fed up with all the Covid stuff at the moment. I wouldn't say he's a full on conspiracy theory nut but he loves to go on about how it's only a cold and everyone being sheep getting more than their two vaccines ect ect.

I try not to get dragged into it but sometimes we do have a bit of back and forth debating about it.

Tonight we were talking about vaccines and he did his usual going on a rant because I've booked the booster and how the media is controlling me yada yada... Anyway, I was explaining why, whilst I'm not overly concerned about Covid personally, I do think vaccines, like any vaccine, are good for X and Y reason.

Anyway long and short of it he ranted a bit more about it and then finished it with "YOU DAFT FUCKING COW".

Not jokingly, very seriously and obviously annoyed at me like I'd done some sort of awful thing Confused

I am so mad. I know it's not the worst insult in the world but the way he said it and the way it was so completely unnecessary has really pissed me off.

He is infuriating to talk to about anything like this, he thinks he knows best and I'm annoyed at myself for getting suckered into the conversation tonight but I wasn't saying anything personal to him and certainly wasn't arguing/shouting/raising voices, I am so pissed that he said that and made it into a personal argument.

OP posts:
LittleRoundRobin · 14/12/2021 22:52

Shadow1678

This sounds EXACTLY like my DH! It’s a no go discussion in our house now. He doesn’t know I’ve been vaccinated or that I’ve booked my booster, he doesn’t even know that our daughter has been vaccinated. He thinks the government are trying to control everyone and that covid is just a cold and basically loads of other weird shit that’s just bonkers!

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

If anything it sounds like your husband is the controlling one. Fair enough he doesn't want the vaccine but to make it so you and your daughter have to lie is awful.

It sounds like you're afraid of him. If you are, I would seriously consider ways you may leave the relationship safely. No one should feel afraid to be honest to their partner, about anything. x

Agree with this @Shadow1678 why are YOU with this man? I cannot even begin to imagine a life where I had to lie about something as important as this, because my husband would be so angry with me! Shock

I can't believe some of the stuff I am reading on this thread! Do people really have marriages like this? Confused

mila0 · 14/12/2021 22:56

He really shouldn’t have spoken to you in that horrible aggressive manner. Very bad manners.

Unfortunately, I have to tell you - if he is a ‘Mr Right’ he will only get worse with age. This has been my experience with my dad. They end up ranting and calling everyone else stupid. Basically, it’s a narcissistic personality type. They are like brick walls. Sorry you live with one of these.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 23:06

@LittleRoundRobin

Shadow1678

This sounds EXACTLY like my DH! It’s a no go discussion in our house now. He doesn’t know I’ve been vaccinated or that I’ve booked my booster, he doesn’t even know that our daughter has been vaccinated. He thinks the government are trying to control everyone and that covid is just a cold and basically loads of other weird shit that’s just bonkers!

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

If anything it sounds like your husband is the controlling one. Fair enough he doesn't want the vaccine but to make it so you and your daughter have to lie is awful.

It sounds like you're afraid of him. If you are, I would seriously consider ways you may leave the relationship safely. No one should feel afraid to be honest to their partner, about anything. x

Agree with this @Shadow1678 why are YOU with this man? I cannot even begin to imagine a life where I had to lie about something as important as this, because my husband would be so angry with me! Shock

I can't believe some of the stuff I am reading on this thread! Do people really have marriages like this? Confused

Unfortunately there are a LOT of abusive relationships out there. It becomes evident on Mumsnet because people can anonymously acknowledge it, in public I think people feel less able to tell people.

There's also some pretty poor modelling of equal relationships going on in households so the cycle perpetuates itself through the generations. They think it's normal for a man to dominate at home.

No one should feel afraid at home due to a family member. If you do, something needs to change.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/12/2021 23:08

Your husband is Ill-educated and very rude.

Ignore and go about your life.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 23:11

@MrsSkylerWhite

Your husband is Ill-educated and very rude.

Ignore and go about your life.

Her life married to him? I suspect she’d rather not just go about it! I wouldn’t.
Gobolino80 · 14/12/2021 23:17

@Seabreeze18 I'm sorry you're experiencing this too, it's shit. He's so bloody condescending and self righteous and I'm sick of it. I wouldn't mind having an actual debate but I won't be spoken to like I'm a child.

Minniem2020 · 14/12/2021 23:21

DP and I had something like this quite recently, he sounds very much like your DH. Like you I usually try and not engage with the conversation but this time I did resulting in him basically calling me stupid and ended up with him stomping off. He did apologise later on but Ive told him he's never to raise the subject with me again

drowningwitch · 14/12/2021 23:26

I'm sorry to read this OP. Your DH behaved appallingly. From your post it sounds as though this isn't a one off. I would think carefully about how long you can see yourself being able to put up with this kind of behaviour. The insult is one thing (and of course I have no idea how much you might think this kind of language is okay, even if it's way over the line for me), but the "man of the house knows best" crap - it's just awful.

The effectiveness with which various media and social media channels draw in people looking for a scapegoat, a conspiracy etc... I somewhat doubt that this is going to get better.

I suggest being completely clear with him. Explain that you deserve respect, you are entitled to have your own opinion, and that you won't be treated like dirt in a conversation like that. If he doesn't apologise unreservedly, I'd seriously consider kicking him out.

Blinky21 · 14/12/2021 23:39

Couldn't be married to an anti vaxxer or friends with one, he sounds horrible

bozzabollix · 15/12/2021 04:03

All these denier husbands need to accompany my husband to work for a day. ITU with literally just anti vaxxers in it right now. People who have apologised for making the wrong decision about the vaccine and who have begged to have it.

What’s sad is that there’s evident mistrust of the government and rightly so, we have the worst government at the worst possible time, but that mistrust shouldn’t extend to science or medicine. Both sets of professionals are just trying to keep people alive. Most medics have had it with the government too!

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2021 04:53

@Unanananana

You can't reason with stupid. Your DH sounds like a thick, disrespectful pig.

I don't know how you can stand to be around someone who speaks to you like that. Who the fuck does he think he is?

This
Ineedaduvetday · 15/12/2021 04:55

You dared question his 'mighty authority' so he can't apologise or he'd admit he is wrong which is clearly a no no for him.

Is he like this all the time in everything?

DreamTheMoors · 15/12/2021 04:58

I’d rather be a cow than an asshole.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 15/12/2021 05:04

@Thelnebriati

Maybe the real reason he is angry is because he can't control the way you think.
I believe that @Thelnebriati has hit the nail directly on the head here. Which of course means you have 2 big problems with him, him not just wanting to control you, but needing too, and him swearing at you. Both of those things scream of him having no respect for you. Of course it is up to you to decide what to do about it, but I am sure that I, and lots of mumsnetters can give you advice on that if you want it.
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2021 05:05

Do you really never question yourself as to why you stay married to such a horrible, stupid man? What a dreadful waste of your life.

Chocaholic9 · 15/12/2021 05:13

Yes it is out of order. He doesn't respect you.

sofato5miles · 15/12/2021 05:13

What a twat. Are ypu happy being married to him?

ClaudiaJ1 · 15/12/2021 05:17

Do you have any DC with him?

This is actually LTB territory for me, and I'll explain why.

Not only is he verbally abusive to you, and never apologises, not only does he practice DARVO and gaslight you, BUT,

I'd be worried if you had children with him. If you don't, get on foolproof contraception now (I wouldn't ever want to fuck him if my life depended on it after he treated me like that, if I were you anyway, after his abuse, my fanny would snap tighter and drier than a nun's), because he can't be trusted to attend to any DCs medical treatment or issues. This is a very very serious thing if you have children. He has indicated he would put their life in danger because he thinks he knows more than medicine, doctors and the best scientists in the world.

I would never want to leave my DC in his care.

And what about if something happened to you? Could you trust him to liase with doctors with your medical care, and put your needs first, above his ideology? Could you?

He is brainwashed, and a nasty abuser and I would tell him it's over and why, and get the hell away from that weirdo. While you're compos mentis and not sick or vulnerable and needing him to act for you.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 15/12/2021 05:22

He sounds awful.

He's thick as two short planks, he calls you names, he can't control his temper when you dare to question his stupid ideas that he probably got from some weirdo on YouTube, he doesn't apologise when he's wrong...

What's good about him? Why are you with him?

expat101 · 15/12/2021 05:43

My retort to that would be well if that is all you have as a come back, you know FA about the subject... or something like that.

When people resort to personal insults, they really have no idea of what the hell they are talking about.

LovelyJubblyBubbly · 15/12/2021 05:45

He sounds utterly dreadful even putting the conspiracy theory rubbish to one side.
A man who won’t ever apologise for insulting you like that is a waste of space. I think you need to have a good think about whether he makes you happy and go from there.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/12/2021 05:49

Anyone would be mad at that, it’s aggressive and disrespectful.

If this is the way he is (and he’s otherwise a good bloke and respectful to you) then just refuse to engage with this or any other argument with him. Tell that he’s not able to debate calmly and so you won’t debate at all.

He should apologise for that outburst though, and I’d remind him of that.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 15/12/2021 05:54

Why are you still married?

Krakenchorus · 15/12/2021 05:57

@Unanananana

You can't reason with stupid. Your DH sounds like a thick, disrespectful pig.

I don't know how you can stand to be around someone who speaks to you like that. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Yup, that. ^^ He's a rude, disrespectful, ignorant arse.
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/12/2021 05:58

Do you have a running away fund OP? If not start one now.

I cant say I blame him for not trusting the tory government HOWEVER thats only the Uk. All the other European governments are using the same vaccines and theyre not all tory.

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