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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! My nephew is influencing my daughter

48 replies

Jensutherby85 · 14/12/2021 20:40

My nephew is 5 and my daughter is 3. They play lovely together for all of 5 minutes, then he turns nasty and says horrible things to her and pushes her away. My sister tells him off but he doesn’t listen and she never follows anything through with him.

I’m obviously biased but my daughter has such a kind personality and loves to play with other kids of all ages. She will play with anyone and seems to focus on the ones who sit alone. All she wants is to be friends and all my nephew wants to do is misbehave. He antagonises her and tells her to say and do “naughty” things. The past few weeks I’ve had to do some training and I only have my sister to rely on to have my daughter, so she has been spending quite a bit of time around my nephew. I’m obviously grateful to my sister for having her, but she’s picking up so many bad habits. She’s saying swear words, and I know most kids go through this phase, but she’s not around any of that so it can only be from him. She’s started smacking me and if I tell her no, she shouts ‘I hate you’ at me and it breaks my heart because I know she’s only learning from the best!

My sister will be the first to admit her son is a little sod, but as I say she does nothing about it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m telling my little one off all the time for things I know she’s picked up from my nephew. I’m worried she’s going to be behaving like this in nursery and around other people. I don’t want to stop seeing my sister as she’s the only family we have, but I also don’t want my daughter turning out like my nephew! I know that sounds terrible but he’s so naughty. I love him to bits and he has such a loving side to him. It’s just a shame it’s not often he’s like that.

I can’t tell my sister how to parent her own child, but I also don’t want to be constantly telling my daughter off for doing what she’s been shown 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

OP posts:
PferdeMerde · 14/12/2021 20:42

Er, you don't let your daughter play with your nephew?

DiscoGlitterBall · 14/12/2021 20:44

Pay for childcare 🤷🏼‍♀️

Theremoresefulday · 14/12/2021 20:44

You just need to ride this out if you’re relying on your sister for childcare.

This too shall pass.

It’s also possible your daughter would be doing these things anyway regardless of your nephew

ChangeChingyChange · 14/12/2021 20:45

@DiscoGlitterBall

Pay for childcare 🤷🏼‍♀️
This.
Caterinasballerinas · 14/12/2021 20:45

If she’s 3 could you get some hours at nursery and check if they’d allow extra from time to time so that you have another option for when things like the training crop up? Maybe reigning in the playing with your nephew when you aren’t present might be best for a little while, small children do change a lot so hopefully it’s not going to need to be forever.

sjxoxo · 14/12/2021 20:46

I agree stop her spending time with him. Perhaps your sister doesn’t realise how bad he is!? I know all parents think their kid is golden but maybe she really thinks it’s not too big a deal.. maybe it’s not at his current age but it might be when he’s older Xox

nahnahna · 14/12/2021 20:47

Look you either pay for child care or accept that it is actually part of growing up, she's learning new things and you are socialising her.

It could just as well be a child at nursery as your nephew. The only annoying aspect is that you know the useless parent!

ChangeChingyChange · 14/12/2021 20:47

Assuming you're close - start telling him off every time he does something like that and tell your daughter off too. See what your sister does. Say things like "we don't use language like that" and "gentle hands only please" etc etc see if your sis agrees or gets funny. Then cool off seeing them and pay for nursery etc if it doesn't improve.

Hankunamatata · 14/12/2021 20:48

You keep your parenting boundaries with your dd with appropriate consequences when her behaviour goes downhill.

Alliolly · 14/12/2021 20:50

Continue parenting your daughter? What else can you do 🤷🏻‍♀️
Your nephew is not the only "naughty" child on the planet, what will you do when she starts getting influenced by someone else in nursery or school?

BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2021 20:51

Next time they're both together tell them both off! "Oi nephew, give it over and stop being naughty! DD, you can also stop that it's not nice!" Both kids are seeing adults not following through on tellings off or any real reprecussions and your DD is now seeing your nephew acting like a little bollix with no pushback from your DSis. Time to say DSis - nephew's behaviour is now affecting my daughter and I really can't have it, we need to nip it in the bud before they gang up on us! Make it an us problem as opposed to a her problem. But if my nephew was teaching my young DD that behaviour, a telling off would be the least I'd be doing. I wouldn't go screaming, but time for Scary Mum Voice.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/12/2021 20:51

Don't let them spend time together unless you are there to supervise, and always leave as soon as the problematic behaviour starts.

You need to find another source of childcare as soon as possible.

icedcoffees · 14/12/2021 20:53

Of course you can tell your daughter off. Just because she's been taught by your nephew doesn't mean she can't have consequences for her behaviour.

Why aren't you paying for childcare if he's such a bad influence?

Sally872 · 14/12/2021 20:57

Your child will be exposed to bad behaviour and swear words. This is your opportunity to teach your child these things are not acceptable.

If not leaving dd with your sister is an option I would split them for a bit but if you have no choice then learning experience is all you can do.

itsgettingwierd · 14/12/2021 21:01

Parents parent differently.

Kids are all different

Agree with others that what you can do is keep your behaviour boundaries with dd tight and clear. My most heard phrase growing up that o find I've said to ds a million times is "and if x ran under a bus - would you copy?"

It's a very valuable life lesson to be able to control and manage your own behaviour correctly when people around you aren't. One that will be useful when she starlets school!

But if you really find it's too much then yes - you'll have to find childcare and pay.

Porcupineintherough · 14/12/2021 21:22

Why would you not tell your dd off if she is doing something that you don't like? There's always a naughty kid around to copy, but each child should be held responsible for their own behaviour.

Theremoresefulday · 14/12/2021 21:40

Ps. When your daughter is 5 she might be like he is now … or at least she might try the same stuff on

happytoday73 · 14/12/2021 21:45

Pay for childcare.
I read lky wouldn't be happy with a 3 year old swearing (or a 5 year old)

Original poster
Jensutherby85 · 14/12/2021 22:50

Thank you for your replies

To those asking why don’t I pay for childcare, I am a single mum working two jobs so I can put myself through uni. I physically don’t have the time to work another job to be able to pay for childcare. She starts nursery in Jan, but even with government funded hours, there are still times I need my sister to have her.

I also totally get that my daughter needs telling off and there’s always going to be another “naughty” kid, but in a school environment they are shown how to be kind and they don’t get away with bad behaviour so easily. I’m not saying my daughter is perfect because she’s far from it, she has her issues and I’m happy to deal with them. I know she needs to be taught right from wrong, but when I’m telling her off for doing exactly what her cousin is doing and there’s no consequences for him, shes going to get confused. Whether it happens at home or at school, I’m not just going to ignore it. Obviously I would speak to a teacher if it was school, but how do you tell your sister to get a grip of her son without falling out??? I’ve mentioned a few of the comments he’s made to her and she just shrugs and says “he’s a little shit” When we were younger, we had a cousin who was always up to no good and getting into trouble and none of us wanted to play with him. I feel like telling her her son is the same but I know she will get upset because I know how much she didn’t like our cousin when we were younger.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2021 23:37

how do you tell your sister to get a grip of her son without falling out??? I’ve mentioned a few of the comments he’s made to her and she just shrugs and says “he’s a little shit”

"Sister, I know you say he's a little shit but his little shitted-ness is starting to affect my daughter and we need to nip it in the bud. I don't want her to feel the same about him as we felt about LittleShitCousin".

Feelings be damned, your daughter comes first & if your sister is unwilling to stop any of his carryon, you need to.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2021 23:42

Your sister could use a few home truths.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 15/12/2021 00:04

There are two main issues:

  1. Using your sister for childcare (you say you are on training, so is this a short lived thing or going to be longer term?)
  2. How you deal with your daughters behaviour.

You can't really control how your sister deals with her son. You can certainly step in if he hurts you or your daughter, but otherwise you have no control over that. You can control the amount of time you spend around him though.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2021 00:13

I don’t want to stop seeing my sister as she’s the only family we have

And because you're using her for childcare.

All you can do is parent your own child. She'll pick up good and bad from all sorts of children during her nursery/school life.

And there'll be times where she's the bad influence on another child too.

It's all part of growing up.

HunterGatherer · 15/12/2021 00:15

Well he is learning the swearing and hitting from somewhere isn't he? And you and your sister both agree he is "a little sod".
Nice Hmm
I feel sorry for the little fella.

RaPumPumPumPum · 15/12/2021 00:15

You lost me at “He’s 5 and she’s 3”.

He’s FIVE

One day your precious DD will be 5 and will also be a ‘little sod’ at some point, it I imagine you’ll be one of these parents who just don’t see it.

If you don’t like them repeating what older kids say then may I suggest you don’t have a second child.