Help! My nephew is influencing my daughter

[Jensutherby85]

My nephew is 5 and my daughter is 3. They play lovely together for all of 5 minutes, then he turns nasty and says horrible things to her and pushes her away. My sister tells him off but he doesn’t listen and she never follows anything through with him.

I’m obviously biased but my daughter has such a kind personality and loves to play with other kids of all ages. She will play with anyone and seems to focus on the ones who sit alone. All she wants is to be friends and all my nephew wants to do is misbehave. He antagonises her and tells her to say and do “naughty” things. The past few weeks I’ve had to do some training and I only have my sister to rely on to have my daughter, so she has been spending quite a bit of time around my nephew. I’m obviously grateful to my sister for having her, but she’s picking up so many bad habits. She’s saying swear words, and I know most kids go through this phase, but she’s not around any of that so it can only be from him. She’s started smacking me and if I tell her no, she shouts ‘I hate you’ at me and it breaks my heart because I know she’s only learning from the best!

My sister will be the first to admit her son is a little sod, but as I say she does nothing about it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m telling my little one off all the time for things I know she’s picked up from my nephew. I’m worried she’s going to be behaving like this in nursery and around other people. I don’t want to stop seeing my sister as she’s the only family we have, but I also don’t want my daughter turning out like my nephew! I know that sounds terrible but he’s so naughty. I love him to bits and he has such a loving side to him. It’s just a shame it’s not often he’s like that.

I can’t tell my sister how to parent her own child, but I also don’t want to be constantly telling my daughter off for doing what she’s been shown 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

@RaPumPumPumPum

Wow! Have you actually read the thread??? I’ve said my “precious DD” isn’t perfect and she has her issues, so no I won’t be “one of those parents” when MY child is the one in the wrong, I make sure she knows she’s wrong, and if it’s to another person she is told she needs to apologise for hurting their feelings. This isn’t just a child being a child and mischievous, he’s really naughty! He told me if I didn’t let him play with the Christmas tree he was going to smash my windows!!!! You can’t say that’s just what kids say!?

And as for a second child, I’ve had ovarian cancer so I couldn’t even if I wanted to!

I know some of the things he says and does he gets from the YouTube channels he watches. And I’ve expressed my opinion on this numerous times to my sister, not just for the things he’s picking up, but for the danger of what he can see and hear! But I can’t tell her how to parent, and I can’t physically make her listen. I’ve even downloaded YouTube kids so he’s at least safer on that, but she gives in when he kicks off.

Feel sorry for him. His mother sounds awful and you blame him even though he’s only 5 and this is learned behaviour.

Children learn the most upto the age of 5, therefore your DD could well keep some of this “learnt” behaviour.
Your sister is a very lazy parent and it’s only going to get worse for her if she can’t be bothered to discipline a 5 year old.
I would definitely mention the cousin no one wanted to play with.

Obviously you need to use your sister for childcare but you can't control how she parents. You will need to pull your DD up every single time she does something wrong. Try to stop painting a picture if the 5 year old being a bad influence and the cause of her misbehaviour. Dont feel bad about felling her off for learned behaviour, that's parenting.

When she starts nursery there will be other bad influences. Focus on DDs good behaviour with lots of praise and every single time she does something unacceptable tell her "we don't hit/say bad words/throw things etc. She WILL learn your standards quite quickly but you must be consistent and not let her away with it on occasions as you feel bad telling her off. Just a reminder that 5 is still really little, don't demonise your nephew or label him as a naughty child.

Some children seem to push boundaries and be naturally naughtier than others. Perhaps this would be your nephew or perhaps he’s a typical 5 year old, who hasn’t learned how to behave as your sister can’t be arsed to enforce boundaries.

Idk how long you’ll be expecting your sister to have your dd but no decent boundaries can be really really bad news. A boy as young as 8 was quizzed about suspected rape in 2009 according to news reports. Of course this isn’t likely to happen, but I was the girl on the receiving end of physical and verbal abuse (plus other stuff as he got older) from an older brother, whose behaviour was not dealt with effectively. I’ve been on enough threads to read how some young primary school girls have been affected by boys at school, less so the other way round, possibly due to a boys will be boys mentality.

Whilst your dd is in your sister’s care, there will be a certain amount of sibling dynamic going on. You should definitely step in when he misbehaves and see how your sister reacts. Talk about kind hands. We don’t do x in our family etc.

If you criticise her parenting then chances are you will fall out and she will withdraw childcare. Can you not defer uni until your DD is in school so that you can afford to work more and pay childcare whilst she is still young? If not and your priority is free childcare then I think you have to accept your nephew’s behaviour and that it will likely have long term effects on your daughters behaviour, bottom line is your sister is always going to prioritise her son over your need for childcare so if you try to raise this and you fall out it will be the childcare she withdraws.

Three is not too young to learn that stuff that is acceptable at your sisters house is not acceptable in yours. My children knew from an early age that when they were in our house they did things our way but at mums or the ILs houses they followed their rules. The same applied when they went to school and into their teenage years - what is allowed or appropriate in one place might not be ok at home/in the playground/classroom.

And it's very unkind to call a 5 year old a 'little sod'. Place the blame for his bad behaviour and unacceptable language with his parents who haven't showed him a better way to behave.

I have read your update that your sister also calls him a "little shit" as well as a "little sod".
Have you not seen the news re Arthur and Star? That's how they were referred to as well.
This just isn't acceptable. Both of you need to stop demonising a 5 year old and start helping him.

I feel for your nephew, he’s a 5 year old.

Maybe teach your DD not to be so easily led. My son has learnt to remove himself from behaviour that isn’t allowed and he wouldn’t copy people swearing- he’s 4.

I also totally get that my daughter needs telling off and there’s always going to be another “naughty” kid, but in a school environment they are shown how to be kind and they don’t get away with bad behaviour so easily. I’m not saying my daughter is perfect because she’s far from it, she has her issues and I’m happy to deal with them. I know she needs to be taught right from wrong, but when I’m telling her off for doing exactly what her cousin is doing and there’s no consequences for him, shes going to get confused.

You have a somewhat rose tinted view of what school / nursery can actually do about behaviour. Your Dd is perfectly capeable at 3 of understanding that different grown ups have different rules, and regardless of what your Dsis does you need to deal with her behaviour consistently and fairly.

There are always going to be bad influences and its up to you to be fair and consistent with your rules regardless of what other children are doing.

Yes I feel for your nephew as well - allowing him to do these things without consequences is not helping him at all - is she suffering from this because you can approach her from that perspective as to whether she needs support because this sounds like his behaviour is environmental.

What you can also do is pick your daughter up on it and enforce boundaries. It doesnt matter whether she picks it up from your nephew, online or nursery you need to be consistent

@HunterGatherer I'm sure there are lots of parents that call their kids this as well , who aren't abusers like that
I would of def referred to my youngest at this years ago as he wAs , obviously not to him but yes to others in a lighthearted joking way as he was a spirited little boy to say the least
But we aren't abusive

@PferdeMerde

Er, you don't let your daughter play with your nephew?

This.

At 3, you daughter will lear from everything around her. Its up to you to make sure the inflences are good- NOT for the world to change.

If your siter is the only option, you'll just have to live with it, and hope , when she is a little older she'll get it

I have this problem with my child's best friend. I know you feel bad constantly telling your child off, but that's the only thing to do. I had to say the same thing to my child over and over again (e.g. no jumpingon the bed, no hiding at pick up time, no rude answering back etc) and explain that just because he saw his friend doing something doesn't mean it was ok for him to do it. Eventually he got it and now even if his friend his misbehaving, my child won't copy him (at least not when I'm there!). You've just got to apply the rules you set consistently.

As a single parent at uni you should be entitled to a shed load of help towards childcare through student loans. In theory you wouldn't need to use your sister at all (student finance pay for 85% of DSs full time nursery - literally costs my £35 a week)

Get a proper childminder or a nursery place, not leaving your poor daughter with that disfunctional pair - though with what you call the boy, you sound no better. Swearing at toddlers. Unforgivable.

"Family" is meaningless when your family are running riot and hitting their children, swearing at them. Try and be better than that.

I agree with @Practicebeingpatient

Also feel sorry for your nephew who is not being given any guidance on how to properly behave and manage his feelings, poor thing.

@BridStar at no point have I ever swore or hit any child! And nowhere in my posts does it say that. I guess it was silly of me, but I assumed it was obvious language like that is not used in front of the children, nor do we punish them by hitting them.

Thank you to those who have offered helpful advice 😊 much appreciated

To those calling me and my sister, you assume bad language and smacking is used with our children, but just because that’s how you do things, does not mean everyone does!! Google Anais Nin! “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are” I’m NOT blaming my nephew, and I would NEVER use negative language around him. I know he’s getting it from others, he’s 5 so again I assumed it went without saying that his bad behaviour is being shown to him elsewhere. But regardless of whether it’s his fault or not, it’s him who is showing my daughter this behaviour and I can’t make his mum parent him differently, and he doesn’t listen to me when his mum is around, so I wanted advice on how I protect my daughter from it. I’d like to know how you would deal with it, not have negative comments thrown at me!

@BarbiesWorld I have sent you a pm as I would be interested in how I go about this. I spoke with the uni when I first signed up explaining I have a child and wondered if there was any help I could get with childcare and they told me they don’t offer that sort of thing. If there is another way I can apply for help I’ll do it

to those calling me and my sister, you assume bad language and smacking is used with our children, but just because that’s how you do things, does not mean everyone does

That’s most certainly not how I do things - but that’s why my children don’t hit. And don’t say nasty things. I would be wondering WHERE your nephew hears this from/sees this behaviour modelled. Your post reeks of criticism of your nephew and your sister, but when people have pointed this out you’ve come back and written a rude post towards others. Tbh your attitude stinks. Your sister needs to do some actual parenting snd you need to stop describing him as “very naughty!!!” And other stuff to strangers on the internet. It’s not supportive or helpful. It does matter if it’s his fault or not, snd basically unless you can sort out your childcare OR speak to your sister, you’re sort of out of options. But you don’t want to hear that!

The only way to stop your DD from being influenced is to not let her go to your sisters. It sounds like your sister needs to look at her parenting skills , some children push boundaries more than others it’s the parents job to push back .

But regardless of whether it’s his fault or not, it’s him who is showing my daughter this behaviour and I can’t make his mum parent him differently, and he doesn’t listen to me when his mum is around, so I wanted advice on how I protect my daughter from it

Unfortunately, given the circumstances you've described, you can't - irrespective of who is to blame.

If your sister isn't going to make adjustments to stop your DN acting how he is then all you can do is address with your DD not to copy her cousin or you can remove her from that child minding set up.

Could you do a parenting course with your sister. I did The Incredible Years via zoom as my kids have challenging behaviour (to put it nicely) - some local charities often find it. You can also buy accompanying book second hand quite cheap.