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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think this is OK?

31 replies

Herewegoagain84 · 14/12/2021 20:17

We have a new nanny - had one before who was completely amazing, so I don’t know whether IBU and too fussy. She’s been with us only a few weeks, and a few things have been building up, but as I said - perhaps I need to let some things go.

Today she took the children on a play date to her old area (about 25 minute drive away), to an old nanny friend. It transpires that they basically watched tv all day while the nannies chatted - my eldest was also asked to have a nap (she’s 6 so obviously doesn’t, but was put on the sofa… and also old enough to recount the day to me). My DD was thrilled she’d watched paw patrol all day “except for lunch”.
I just get the sense the nanny wanted to see her mates and the kids were just left to their own devices (not necessarily in an unsafe way). I’m not OK with that, but AIBU and this is normal and I’ve got used to having a completely attentive ridiculously good nanny?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 14/12/2021 20:31

I wouldn't be happy about this but you need to ask your nanny to explain what happened.

shouldistop · 14/12/2021 20:31

Was your 6yo not in school today?

EnidFrighten · 14/12/2021 20:34

I would not be happy with that but 6yos do exaggerate wildly so I wouldn't wade in with an accusation!

If you set a limit on how much TV you're happy with them watching on an average day (barring illness etc) then it would be clearer that this is out of line.

Sounds like she's lazy tho, doing that so soon in the job.

Original poster
Herewegoagain84 · 14/12/2021 22:07

@shouldistop she broke up last Friday. DD can definitely exaggerate about things, just felt like she didn’t as I asked a few very open questions… I find confrontation / asking about what happened that day in general difficult (which I know is no good), but my husband who was home at the end of the day did gently enquire a bit and she was hugely defensive straight away.

I think I’m just trying to add up everything to decide whether we want to keep her on - especially with a natural cut off point of Christmas coming up. Another one I haven’t been that happy with is leaving my DD eating dinner alone while going up to start the bath and put the younger one in. I find that dangerous from a choking perspective, but also hate the thought of her left eating alone.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 14/12/2021 22:19

You’re the employer, you pay the nanny’s wages, you set the rules.
I’d maybe say to her as a one off you are ok with it but it’s not to happen again.
As the children are off school what was she supposed to be doing with them? Your specified activities or left to her to organise the day?

blueshoes · 14/12/2021 22:31

Sounds like she needs clearer guidance on what she is to do with the children during the school holidays. I would give her a list of activities and a small budget to go out and she should report back what her plans are for the day and what the children did during the day.

I don't like what she did. She sounds pretty lazy and taking the piss. But you have to performance manage her first to give her a chance.

Veryverycalmnow · 14/12/2021 22:35

My DS has always told me what he watched at nursery/ school when I've asked about his day. I know they do lots more than that but it's the bit that has stayed in his brain unfortunately. You could find out what happened by speaking to the nanny. I don't think it will have done any harm, as long as she doesn't think it's ok to repeat when you're paying her.

Mysterylovingboy · 14/12/2021 22:37

I think you need to give clear guidance on what to do. We only have PT nannies and so don't want TV whilst they're there to do stuff with them. So we always tell our nannies that there's to be no TV unless the children are ill, in which case a day curled up on the sofa watching TV is ok, but it's very clear that the nanny is there to play with the children (they play lots of board games and make believe), help with homework, feed them etc.

I'd be worried about the meal time abandonment too.

For holidays I'd suggest a list of possible activities (if she's a good nanny she'll come up with some herself) and a budget so she can take them out and about. A little TV ok in the holidays but set a time limit.
Our old nanny once took the children off to their family house, but it was a farm so had educational value).

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 22:39

YANBU.

She should see her friends on her days off. The days you're paying her should be child-centred. Definitely not a WHOLE day of TV.

Red flag for me I'm afraid.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 22:43

[quote Herewegoagain84]@shouldistop she broke up last Friday. DD can definitely exaggerate about things, just felt like she didn’t as I asked a few very open questions… I find confrontation / asking about what happened that day in general difficult (which I know is no good), but my husband who was home at the end of the day did gently enquire a bit and she was hugely defensive straight away.

I think I’m just trying to add up everything to decide whether we want to keep her on - especially with a natural cut off point of Christmas coming up. Another one I haven’t been that happy with is leaving my DD eating dinner alone while going up to start the bath and put the younger one in. I find that dangerous from a choking perspective, but also hate the thought of her left eating alone.[/quote]
Whilst its definitely a risk, the reality is I would feel ok leaving a 6 year old to eat alone for 5/10 mins. I should think (I may be wrong) that lots of parents would let their kids eat a snack in the lounge alone quite regularly.

But even so, if you don't want them left lone with food (which is more than fair) then you need to tell her.

EnglishMuffins · 14/12/2021 22:46

Your child surely eats alone at lunch time in school (as in, not with an adult watching on a 1 to 1 basis)?

I wouldn’t be happy with a day of TV though.

Athomewiththehales89 · 14/12/2021 22:55

As dreadful as it sounds it often depends how much you are paying. I was an international nanny for eight years and would not have dreamed of behaving like this but knew many other au pair type nannies who did! I know in London for example £10ph net gets you very little in the way of professional qualifications etc so worth spending more if you can. If you already are then I’d say get rid, I’d never leave a little one having their dinner alone, suggests not only poor time management but also a lack of understanding of your dds feelings!

explodingeyes · 14/12/2021 23:42

I was an au pair and this would be quite normal in those circles. Childcare not education.

explodingeyes · 14/12/2021 23:47

I'd say nationally a huge % of 6 year olds are left whilst eating at some point. As a family we all sit together if all in, but not always. Life is too busy for most parents to worry about a normal 6yr old choking whilst they run a bath for a younger sibling. Maybe try do the evening routine yourself and see what you do?

Hertsgirl10 · 14/12/2021 23:58

[quote Herewegoagain84]@shouldistop she broke up last Friday. DD can definitely exaggerate about things, just felt like she didn’t as I asked a few very open questions… I find confrontation / asking about what happened that day in general difficult (which I know is no good), but my husband who was home at the end of the day did gently enquire a bit and she was hugely defensive straight away.

I think I’m just trying to add up everything to decide whether we want to keep her on - especially with a natural cut off point of Christmas coming up. Another one I haven’t been that happy with is leaving my DD eating dinner alone while going up to start the bath and put the younger one in. I find that dangerous from a choking perspective, but also hate the thought of her left eating alone.[/quote]
@Herewegoagain84

Get rid.

Does your old Nanny know any decent ones? She might be able to recommended someone?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/12/2021 09:30

I think an hour of tv for the nanny to have a break in a whole day of playing is reasonable. An hour. More than that is a pisstake. And leaving your child alone to eat is actually very sad. I would never do that to my child/don’t really see the point in it either to save 5/10 mins. It’s very early days for her to be making such poor decisions.

Tired1234567890 · 15/12/2021 11:37

Not great is it?
I'd check with them and just ask how the day panned out then say you were told the child was asked to map and watch TV all day. She might agree or disagree.

Personally, I've never had a nanny, but I always presumed they were there as a parent replacement and a very expensive one at that. I'd therefore expect a pretty high standard of care/entertainment.
If she was au pair then I'd care less. But nanny is full-time job as child care. Not go to your mates house and sit around gasbagging while you're getting paid to look after a child.

I'd be ok with play dates if they had met up at soft play or a farm or done some craft at the house.

I'd say you need to know where your child is and what they're doing each day. Not just, I'm off to my pals house to sit.

HoppingPavlova · 15/12/2021 11:46

Another one I haven’t been that happy with is leaving my DD eating dinner alone while going up to start the bath and put the younger one in. I find that dangerous from a choking perspective, but also hate the thought of her left eating alone.

You say in the earlier post your eldest is 6yo? If so, you are ridiculous. Kids from 5yo can go to the canteen after eating lunch and get something and run around like crazy eating it during the ‘play’ portion of lunchtime. There’s a few teachers on duty for a few hundred students. Unless your 6yo has some disability then you are being batshit on this one.

Original poster
Herewegoagain84 · 15/12/2021 14:52

@HoppingPavlova Grin I wouldn’t describe myself as batshit! It’s not necessarily the choking part of it, but more the fact she’s sat alone for half an hour at the table - which I think is a sociable time of day and would encourage chat etc.

Thanks so much guys - putting it all together I’m just not that happy so going to let her go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain84 · 15/12/2021 14:53

And she certainly wasn’t cheap. £14 net per hour, so tbh expected more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain84 · 15/12/2021 14:54

Oh, and I asked that she let me know plans at the beginning of the day / where they’re going to be etc. she was extremely defensive and said why was I scrutinising her - I was quite taken aback, but as I said, it’s all added up to knowing it’s best we part ways.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2021 15:04

It doesn’t sound like a good fit I think you’ve made right decision to cut losses.
I don’t think you sound unreasonable wanting child to eat with an adult. Nanny is there to chat with them about day, encourage table manners etc.

HoppingPavlova · 15/12/2021 20:00

I wouldn’t describe myself as batshit! It’s not necessarily the choking part of it, but more the fact she’s sat alone for half an hour at the table - which I think is a sociable time of day and would encourage chat etc.

If you had said that the issue is she’s left alone for 30mins at a time you specifically believe should be spent chatting over the day or whatnot then I’d think you may have a valid point but your focus was specifically on choking and this is your backup to avoid looking batshit re the choking and a 6yo. Yes, I know anyone from birth to death can choke (and have seen a few here and there myself professionally) but there comes a point where watching a kid is as useful as watching your 40yo husband stats wise for the event.

I’m totally onboard with the play date. That sounds crap and just an excuse for a social day for nanny to hang with friends and ignore the kids.

AutumnLeaves21 · 15/12/2021 20:10

Yeah don’t mention choking you sound like a lunatic 😬 wanted to encourage being sociable at mealtimes is fair enough.
The rest of it you’re not being unreasonable.

Cuddlywaterfall · 15/12/2021 20:20

I'm a nanny veteran, we have had 8 over the years Grin. If you're not happy then get rid ASAP. Our longest duration nanny was 2 years and is still a family friend. Shortest was 2 weeks. When it's wrong it's wrong and it sounds like she knows she is taking the piss.
Where did you find her as a matter of interest? Is there an agency you can complain to?