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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to disappoint in the bedroom

40 replies

BootySOS · 14/12/2021 19:27

NC for this.

I have met a man on a dating site. We have been chatting a lot and it's going well. Meeting up later this week.
It has got quite steamy over messages, we've been sexting.

I haven't mentioned I have kids and because I had them very young, it hasn't come up and I assume he thinks I'm child free, which would be the 'norm' at my age I guess. Or for whatever reason, it just hasn't been spoken about.

I'm worried that if we are as attracted to each other as we seem to be via messages and end up taking things to the next level.. my body will come as a horrible shock. My skin is loose around my stomach. Stretch marks. Hideously misshapen boobs. Lord knows what the current state of my downstairs is like as I haven't had sex in a long while but I am guessing it is not "tight". He has used this word while sexting. And I really don't know where to go from here.

AIBU to tell him, and explain why my body might not be that great.

Or, just carry on as I am. Enjoying it for a casual bit of fun relationship like I think we both want. And just try to be confident.

Or just cancel.

OP posts:
WhatToDo1988 · 14/12/2021 19:33

Just enjoy it. He's early into you and most men really don't notice all the things we do!

Herja · 14/12/2021 19:37

I have sent a drunken message before, literally saying: my legs are flabby, I have LOADS of varicose veins, more stretchmarks than a map has roads; my hips mean I get stuck in some sex positions and at my last smear, the nurse said 'well, I can see you've had vaginal births'. Still up for it?

It broke the ice so to speak. It also meant he was pleasantly surprised by my actual wibbly, lumpen state. (He had been imagining far worse, concealed with good tailoring.)

Either tell him, or just go for it. DON'T just bottle it! You deserve some fun and nae bugger is perfect. All he'll want it to undress you, he will NOT be worrying about your stomach.

Herja · 14/12/2021 19:39

Also, highwaisted lace and satin lingerie! By the time it's off, no one will be considering any lose skin...

RealBecca · 14/12/2021 19:47

Crikey. No don't go into this apologising for your body!

Go and enjoy sex instead of wondering if you're good enough.

dancemom · 14/12/2021 19:47

Honestly?

You don't need to apologise for your body, make excuses or disclaimers for it. Is he some Greek God male model? Bodies are bodies, no ones is perfect and if he doesn't like you because of some imperfections that the vast majority of women have then he's not a great guy. And don't even get me started on "tight"

However if you're contemplating dating this guy rather than just a hook up you should really tell him that you have kids.

MoomaidAhoy · 14/12/2021 19:47

You haven’t even told him you have children and you haven’t met him. You’re rushing madly!

SunshineCake1 · 14/12/2021 19:49

He wants you to be tight. If it was me where it would go from here would be block and delete.

Icecreaminwinter · 14/12/2021 19:49

Have you actually met him yet? I would meet first and see if the attraction is there in real life for you and him.

Flustered4 · 14/12/2021 19:51

@Herja Totally love your approach!! Grin I will be taking that advice myself!

Capricopia · 14/12/2021 19:53

Just enjoy it. I’m sure your body is absolutely fine, and regardless of what it looks like he’s privileged if he gets to share it and a dickhead if he doesn’t appreciate that.

TowandaForever · 14/12/2021 19:54

I think you should tell him you have children.

I would expect a man to tell me if he had children.

Ragwort · 14/12/2021 19:59

You haven't even met him and he's talking in great deal about sex ..... are you just looking for 'fun' or are you hoping for a relationship?

SmileyClare · 14/12/2021 20:02

Do you want to meet up for no strings sex? It doesn't sound like you do. If he hasn't made any attempt to get to know you and is just sexting then he just wants sex. He won't be bothered about stretch marks and so on once you're shagging.

If you were up for that then you'd be more focused on your own pleasure surely? You've no idea what he looks like naked, or if you'll have any physical attraction when you meet. He might be really crap in the sack!

Just be clear in your own mind what you actually want from this. If you can handle a one off hook up and it won't damage your confidence if he doesn't want to see you again, then go for it, there's nothing wrong with a night of fun.

Have some confidence in yourself. If you're not feeling it when you meet up, then don't feel that you owe him sex, you'll end up feeling like shit afterwards.

Staryflight445 · 14/12/2021 20:09

Any man talking about tight vaginas clearly hasn’t got a great understanding of female anatomy/ much experience.

You’re not meant to be tight when you’re aroused.

Everything relaxes. Just have some fun? If you’re not sexually matched it’s better to know before you get emotionally further invested.

Kaibashira · 14/12/2021 20:10

I'm pretty sure that what is common to most guys, in terms of what they like in bed, is a woman who is enthusiastic about having sex with them. I'm not really sure they care too much, in the moment, about flab or droop or a less-tight-than-a-virgin's vagina. It's not easy at all but I think if you could temporarily quieten your insecurities and be confident and relish intimacy with your new guy.... then you'll find that he actually doesn't care about anything specific and just wants to feel relaxed and intimate with you in bed. Maybe it won't work out in the long term but that probably won't be because he said the word "tight" during sexting...
Sex is supposed to be fun! Let yourself enjoy it!!

Kaibashira · 14/12/2021 20:12

And definitely don't apologise for your body! You could mention that you're nervous because it's been a while - that might be helpful - but absolutely do not apologise for how you look. I've no doubt you look perfectly gorgeous and he will think so too.

NotMineToTell · 14/12/2021 20:14

Don't rush into having casual sex with this man. Wait until you know each other well and are comfortable sharing intimacy it will lessen your self consciousness

Suzi888 · 14/12/2021 20:16

@NotMineToTell

Don't rush into having casual sex with this man. Wait until you know each other well and are comfortable sharing intimacy it will lessen your self consciousness
^ This Plus I’d expect a man to tell me he had children.
SmileyClare · 14/12/2021 20:25

See how you feel when you meet up. If you're not relaxed in his company and feel self conscious then you won't enjoy the sex and will find it impossible to orgasm. Be careful not to end up feeling used.

I think you're focusing far too much on pleasing him.

I agree with others, asking if you're tight is a sign he's a sexist idiot who doesn't care about your feelings at all.

Approach with caution.

Palmfrond · 14/12/2021 20:40

Never apologize for your body! The hottest sex often doesn’t involve taking all your clothes off anyway.
I’ve never understood the “tight” thing either. It just doesn’t seem based on the actual experience of vaginal sex? As I think someone already said, doesn’t tight sort of suggest unaroused? I am a man, if that’s relevant.

WonderfulYou · 14/12/2021 20:42

Do you think he looks like a catalogue model underneath his clothes?

No body is perfect.

If you’re really self conscious you could wear a baby doll lingerie set which covers your stomach.
However I agree with the PPs. I’m not sure why you are sexting when you barely know each other.

If you only want a one night stand that’s fine (as long as your safe) but know that he won’t care what your body looks like as he just wants to have sex.

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:14

What makes you think he isn't also a bit flabby/droopy and anxious about it?

Just take your time until you're ready.

Original poster
BootySOS · 14/12/2021 21:17

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them all.

You haven't even met him and he's talking in great deal about sex ..... are you just looking for 'fun' or are you hoping for a relationship

I am not looking for a relationship. I would like to find someone to have sex with sometimes, to text or call occasionally. The odd evening out. But not a huge commitment. I wanted to participate in the sexting, it wasn't just him but now I'm worrying about the reality

OP posts:
VitalsStable · 14/12/2021 21:20

Reply with why do you have a small penis? And block him.

Or realise that most men are just delighted someone wants to touch their penis.

furbabymama87 · 14/12/2021 21:23

If he gets a horrible shock by a few lumps and bumps and stretch marks he's a child. Most men don't care, if they fancy you clothed, they fancy you more naked.

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