Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this conversation has made me utterly lose the will to live?

48 replies

ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 18:56

Name change for this, as it’s massively outing.

A bit of background: I run (and own the majority of) a business that I built almost ten years ago after marrying DH. The business is in DH’s industry. He is extremely good (even a genius) at what he does, but has zero head for the business side of things. (For example, when he’s tried to run things on his own for a few days here and there when I’ve been sick, we’ve ended up paying out many thousands each time in mistakes he’s made). He’s well aware of this and prefers not to run things as he says it gets too expensive, which is true. I’ve now put things in place to stop these gaps if I get ill.

I don’t love the industry, and he knows this. But I’m very good at what I do, and I’m in it for the long haul as he well knows. I’ve put a tremendous amount of my own money and nearly ten years of my life into building it into a very successful enterprise that’s now on the brink of a breakthrough that would mean we would finally get a chance to start enjoying all our hard work.

Now to the point. I’ll start by saying my DH has ADHD and has known since he was about five. He’s been on various medications over the years, and his latest one doesn’t seem to be working for him, especially since his job means he works from home. He has problems focusing, won’t get to brushing his teeth until after noon, etc. He chatted with me and decided he would ask his doctor about changes to his meds. All fine there.

But then he started talking out of the blue about how work in general is really busy (true), and how medication just won’t cut it for him and how he would like to replace what I do with a (and I quote), “Filipino assistant” to keep him organized because they “come cheap” and “Alan has one.” Confused (Alan is a client, so now I’m a bit Hmm.)

I stopped him immediately, saying how inappropriate he was being; but he had no problem with either his massively inappropriate comment or, frankly, any other part of it. He was also very surprised to hear that no, I wasn’t keen on being replaced by a random person who he thought he could hire for only 1-2 hours a day to do my entire job, and he kept insisting that I don’t seem to like the industry and therefore should love the idea, plus medicine alone won’t be enough to keep him on track (it has in the past, but they had to change him to a new one due to health effects).

He thinks I’m being unreasonable for not jumping on the idea, and apparently he doesn’t think I’m “proactive.” 🙄

I have no words.

OP posts:
Footprintsinthegrass · 14/12/2021 19:01

So what exactly is he wanting you to do? Get a different job?

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 19:05

@Footprintsinthegrass, I did ask, and got deer in headlights. Followed by “I didn’t think you liked it.”

I’m guessing it was as I’ll thought through as the rest of his “plan.”

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 14/12/2021 19:11

Perhaps he's only ever tuned in to the I-dont-like-the-industry comments and wanted a vent? He obviously has no idea of how much you do - are you able to separate the two parts of the business and leave him to sort out his own stuff?

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 19:18

@Billandben444, the reason I was so taken aback is that I’ve only ever made the “I don’t love the industry” comments a couple of times over nearly ten years! When we did have that conversation last, we came to a mutually satisfactory arrangement where both our career and life goals were being met by what we did.

Sure, in a perfect world I would be insanely passionate about the entire industry, but I’m happy now, and getting to meet my interests. We both do.

Or so I thought . . .

OP posts:
Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 19:27

DH has informed me that he forgot his meds this morning and took them very late. Apparently they’ve just kicked in. Now he’s tapping on the door with a penitent offer of sushi.

I’m a bit Hmm still. He’s admitted the comment wasn’t ok. Doctor’s appointment Friday for med review.

OP posts:
BabyofMine · 14/12/2021 19:30

I’d just make sure your stake in the business is 100% watertight.
Funny hope your replacement is being suggested on the eve of a breakthrough (I’m presuming financial).
You sure he doesn’t want all the profit for himself?

BabyofMine · 14/12/2021 19:33

Also you need to give yourself more credit in a way! “ The business is in DH’s industry.”
No, you own more of the business and are what has made it a success. It’s your industry as much as his. For example, just because an executive producer doesn’t act, does that make the movie business any less their industry? You NEED the business people, managers, middle managers, cleaners, admin etc in all industries, they’re as important as the “stars”.

Crazykatie · 14/12/2021 19:45

A “Filipino” assistant is the last thing he need, or indeed any kind of “cheap” low waged assistant.

You have worked hard to build the business together, you’ve grumbled a bit but it has worked, you now have 2 choices:-
Assert yourself and continue organizing him,
Or, sell the business and get what you can out of it.

I know several couples where the woman is the organizer, it works well if the man is happy to accept that. One friend is a “work wife” to a solicitor, clever guy but can’t organize anything.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 14/12/2021 20:01

Jeez - does forgetting his meds always make him act like a wanker? Because I am wondering if it is ADHD or that he was unfiltered enough to show you what he really thinks? Or if he could have one of the other conditions which is often co occuring with ADHD like ASD? BTW, CBT for ADHD is a thing, perhaps he should look into this.

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:01

@BabyofMine thanks, I needed to hear that. Blush

I appreciate you making the point about profits. I’m reasonably sure about the money situation. You’re right. DH is keenly aware that while I could do this without him (I could easily afford to hire his replacement if I needed to), he couldn’t do this without me. I fill multiple roles for the company and he could not do it in a financially viable way, even with the greater profits we are facing. (In the past, I have looked into hiring someone to take on one or two aspects of my role; I am quite sure on the financials.) The business would fold. It’s what prompted me having a larger stake in the company to begin with. He’s acknowledged all this and there’s accountability in place should anything go wrong.

I have protected my interests, but DH finds that kind of planning difficult to navigate. I accept that anything’s possible, but I think it would be unlikely to happen.

OP posts:
SparrowNest · 14/12/2021 20:08

@ForgottenLore

DH has informed me that he forgot his meds this morning and took them very late. Apparently they’ve just kicked in. Now he’s tapping on the door with a penitent offer of sushi.

I’m a bit Hmm still. He’s admitted the comment wasn’t ok. Doctor’s appointment Friday for med review.

Extremely weird to talk about adjusting your husband’s medication because he offended you. It’s like you’re talking about a pet or, at best, a small child. Not someone you see as an equal. That’s also not how ADHD medication works.

His comments about you stopping working and him getting an assistant are obviously ridiculous, you aren’t being at all unreasonable on that front.

Dontbeme · 14/12/2021 20:15

I run (and own the majority of) a business that I built almost ten years ago after marrying DH

How about just replacing him? Surely that is the more sensible option as you have to query how much time do you spend managing his needs at work and at home. Maybe point out that life would be better if you were just husband and wife, you could replace him with an assistant of any origin you fancy OP.

I think he has being listening to Alan and is downplaying exactly how much you do, how much you have invested financially and workwise into this business and he is playing Billy Big Bollocks to impress some bloke. Don't let him dismiss the hard work you do OP.

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:15

@Crazykatie I have no idea where he pulled this from. Confused I don’t wife work, and I’m his boss! I handle all the executive functions, but I’m certainly not in the role of his assistant. He doesn’t normally need organizing when he’s on medication anyway, but obviously it’s getting a review on Friday. And not a day too soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:17

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers the meds do help regulate his mood swings.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:19

@SparrowNest I appreciate your point and think it’s an important one to make for couples in this situation. In this case, I was repeating what he told me. Sorry for not being clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:21

@Dontbeme, DH is very good at what he does, and as we generally work great together I would hate to do replace him. It’s an option though, if this becomes a problem.

OP posts:
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 14/12/2021 20:27

I only have experience of meds on a much younger man (he's 9) and I know that on days he has off from his medication he says and does things he absolutely does not mean and is mortified afterwards. It does ring true to me that he said something stupid that he hadn't fully thought through (either the implications or how it would land) because the thought just blurted out of his head without hitting any kind of filter or thought process.

I also have adhd but no medication and not as badly as my son. I have definitely said things without running them through my internal sense checker first. It's not like in vino veritable. It's more like running a million options through your brain at once, landing on one and just saying it and only afterwards thinking - why?! What?!

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:28

@SparrowNest also wanted to clarify that his medication is not being adjusted because of the remarks he made but because he is still feeling very disorganized on it (it says in my OP). He told me he called his doctor for a review Friday. It’s our busiest time of year and yes, the sooner he feels on his a-game the better.

OP posts:
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 14/12/2021 20:28

It's not an excuse though. You absolutely do need to be telling him how hurtful this was, but hopefully he doesn't actually mean anything nefarious by it and was being thoughtless

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 14/12/2021 20:29

*in vino veritas

Auto correct doesn't like Latin

madisonbridges · 14/12/2021 20:29

Does he really think you only do a couple of hours of work a day? Or was his brain scrambled because of his meds? I don't know how ADHD works but if its just one comment in 10 years of marriage, I think contemplating replacing him is a bit harsh. But if you already had that in mind, this could be a good excuse to kick him out.

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:30

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep thanks for this. Yours is a very helpful response!

OP posts:
Faevern · 14/12/2021 20:31

My DP can’t be medicated for ADHD due to other meds I feel your pain. They can solve everything and nothing all at the same time can’t they?

In your position I would just say yeh whatever you know you’re talking shite don’t you and he would probably agree but without thinking to offer sushi.

Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:33

@madisonbridges I agree. We’ve always worked well together. I’m hoping this is a blip.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForgottenLore · 14/12/2021 20:35

@Faevern he’s actually made good on the sushi.!

OP posts: