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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To denounce a group friend as being hypocritical

64 replies

Mousie38 · 14/12/2021 15:19

I have joined a lovely new group of friends in my new town as I moved during lockdown last year. We are mostly in our mid 50s, some older, and one a bit younger at 40.
This lady is a very strong Christian as am I but she is a bit more 'out there' with her beliefs' - more 'born again' and I am quite traditional C of E.
We were chatting last week and she said that she doesn't believe in LGBTQ+ and that anyone gay should have conversion therapy to make them see the error of their ways and become 'normal'. This has really shocked me and I now don't want to meet up with the group if she is there as this sort of talk makes me really uncomfortable - I am of the belief that Christianity means embracing all and inclusivity and one of the ladies has a gay son and I'm sure she would be horrified if she knew this.

Should I mention it (but potentially this could backfire on me) or stay quiet and not join in activities . She doesn't work so is there for coffee/lunch every week.

OP posts:

PinkWednesdays · 14/12/2021 17:22

I’m confused, who is the hypocrite? The woman with those views? But why, if someone else’s son is gay.

And (not that I’m defending it) having a gay son doesn’t make those view hypocritical. It would be hypocritical if she was gay herself.

Honestly, you don’t sound very Christian by wanting to denounce…

FangsForTheMemory · 14/12/2021 17:24

Her views are appalling. I don't see how someone who thinks that way can call themselves a Christian, and I'd have a little to do with her as possible.

Ohmybod · 14/12/2021 17:31

@Mousie38

it's not a question of agreeing on everything - I find these views abhorrent and no - the group hasn't known each other that long so people just think she's a lovely kind person :(

I’m in complete agreement with you on that part. I think saying you don’t believe in LGBTQ is akin to saying you don’t believe in basic human rights or that you’re racist. It’s intolerable for a friendship and not simply a difference of opinion. I’d start by developing friendships outside of that particular meet up and if Anyone enquired I’d find a way to explain I can’t agree with her views which are quite frankly abhorrent.

logsonlogsoff · 14/12/2021 17:47

I would still go but if she brings up any homophobic crap challenge her immediately. I can’t imagine anyone else I. The grp wants to hang out South a homophobe either.

GrimDamnFanjo · 14/12/2021 17:48

@FangsForTheMemory

Her views are appalling. I don't see how someone who thinks that way can call themselves a Christian, and I'd have a little to do with her as possible.

I agree. If those are her views she will eventually trip up. Give her a wide berth and either make new friends or keep your distance. I couldn't be friends with a homophobe.

logsonlogsoff · 14/12/2021 17:48

And I say that as a gay woman. I would t want anything to do with her but I can see why you would t want to leave a grp because of her.

OakRowan · 14/12/2021 17:56

Is it a formal, social/friendship/members support group, with organisers and a volunteer committee? Do you have a code of conduct for everyone? I go to a group thats for friendship and we all have to agree to a list of things we will and won't do/say, basic good manners and nothing sexist/racist homophobic etc, standard stuff. If its that sort of group, raise this, if it not like that you then avoid her, don't start conversations with her, but don't cut yourself off.

OakRowan · 14/12/2021 17:57

From the rest of the group I mean.

Just10moreminutesplease · 14/12/2021 17:59

I don’t think I could be friends with someone who advocates for conversion therapy. Some viewpoints are too horrible to accept as differences of opinion.

Oblomov21 · 14/12/2021 18:01

I disagree with most on this thread. Of course her views should be contested, politely but firmly.

Surely this is homophobia, and that's not ok?

RickJames · 14/12/2021 18:15

Denouncing is extremely unchristian! I've been in these situations before where I can't tear a strip of someone for various reasons and i just make fun of them. Roll your eyes, say "oh my goodness" and shake your head. Move on. If you really felt like it, ask them why they feel so threatened by gay people - ask innocently if they've ever had a dreadful experience with one. Ask why they want to imagine what gays get up to in private.. have they spoken to a therapist about this?

TheHolyPotato · 14/12/2021 19:05

To be clear I have contested such views when someone has brought them up in conversation.
But no I wouldn't go about "denouncing" anyone afterwards.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 19:11

I couldn't be friends with a homophobic person either.

BUT I think on this occasion the best thing to do to keep your friendships with the other ladies is to just act as normal. If she says that again, then just say "I think we'll have to agree to disagree as I support everyone including LGBTQ" and leave it at that.

Groups can be hard to navigate and it's possible by rejecting one you'd find yourself distanced from the others.

Once you're much closer you can tell the others if necessary. It'll all come out sooner or later and I'm sure the woman who's son is gay will not be so understanding of her views.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/12/2021 20:23

I disagree with most on this thread. Of course her views should be contested, politely but firmly.

Has anyone disagreed with that? Certainly not most of the thread. I don't think one person has actually defended those views.

What most people have said is that 'denouncing' someone (by which I think OP means slagging her off to the others and trying to have her ostracised) is nasty behaviour.

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