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Original poster

To denounce a group friend as being hypocritical

64 replies

Mousie38 · 14/12/2021 15:19

I have joined a lovely new group of friends in my new town as I moved during lockdown last year. We are mostly in our mid 50s, some older, and one a bit younger at 40.
This lady is a very strong Christian as am I but she is a bit more 'out there' with her beliefs' - more 'born again' and I am quite traditional C of E.
We were chatting last week and she said that she doesn't believe in LGBTQ+ and that anyone gay should have conversion therapy to make them see the error of their ways and become 'normal'. This has really shocked me and I now don't want to meet up with the group if she is there as this sort of talk makes me really uncomfortable - I am of the belief that Christianity means embracing all and inclusivity and one of the ladies has a gay son and I'm sure she would be horrified if she knew this.

Should I mention it (but potentially this could backfire on me) or stay quiet and not join in activities . She doesn't work so is there for coffee/lunch every week.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2021 15:48

I'm not sure, if it came up in a discussion about religion then she is allowed to have these beliefs and I dont think I'd take any action. If she started trying to tell the lady with the gay son that she needs to get him therapy then I'd be more inclined to take action and avoid her and / or stick up for your friend. But avoiding someone for having religious beliefs when they are generally kept to themselves unless asked about seems a bit of an over reaction

LadyLazarus40 · 14/12/2021 15:48

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

Please don't take it upon yourself to "denounce" anyone. If you disagree with her views, fine. But that does not give you the right to get on your moral high horse.
It’s not really a moral high horse - her views are in contravention of the equalities act. If someone was openly racist would that also be ok?
Chloemol · 14/12/2021 15:53

I would keep going to see the others, but just not engage with this -Christian- person

RealBecca · 14/12/2021 16:00

Well what did you say to her when she said it to you?

Tricked2003 · 14/12/2021 16:09

I don't understand why you consider her to be hypocritical?

You are judging her for having a different opinion on LGBGQ+ issues, if you truly believe in "love one another" then what you should do is lead by example, challenge her views were appropriate but you may need to agree to disagree. Leave others in the group to form their own opinions.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 14/12/2021 16:11

I sympathise. I've left a couple of friendship groups over the openly racist and homophobic views expressed in them. Doubtless not everyone agreed with the hateful views, but they were too schooled in the 'play nicely' philosophy which means that keeping a group harmonious is the most important thing and trumps everything else. I don't want to spend my time with people who are bigots, racists and homophobes, or those who willingly accept such people in order not to rock the friendship boat, no matter how nice and friendly they appear on the surface.

Allsorts1 · 14/12/2021 16:11

I think just keep hanging out with this new group, but don’t say anything about the views. See if you can forge closer bonds with some of the non homophobic group members, and then suggest hang outs with them, either 1:1 or in smaller groups. You can forge a group you like and respect that way. No need to push her out, but also no need to hang out with her constantly if you can arrange alternative things with the group members you actually like!

swissmodel · 14/12/2021 16:15

I now don't want to meet up with the group if she is there as this sort of talk makes me really uncomfortable

Why would you need this sort of talk? Couldn't you speak about literally any other topic?

Personally I don't get how a religious person could find any rather straightforward interpretation of their religious texts to be 'abhorrent'.

Beechview · 14/12/2021 16:17

i wouldn’t mention it to anyone. It’s unfortunate she has views like that but people can grow mentally and emotionally.
She may not have come across any gay people and probably will. Her views may change then.

TheHolyPotato · 14/12/2021 16:21

This will happen ime with anyone who is fundamentalist in whatever their religious belief.
I've distanced myself from some when younger but really with time come to see the best thing is just not engage in the contentious issues.

Faevern · 14/12/2021 16:25

@Mousie38

Not going to denounce to the group - how dramatic! Yes, I did challenge her views at the time and she just said I was wrong
erm denounce means to announce a wrong doing in public does it not?

So if not to the group are you doing this on speakers corner or in the supermarket, or in the park perhaps?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 14/12/2021 16:32

I would not seek a closer friendship with her for sure. Otherwise, I don't think it's for you to police the views of the group, perhaps others also have views you wouldn't like. On that basis, I'd hardly see any of my wider family! I don't want to hang out with homophobic people or be close to them, but as part of wider groups its inevitable that such people pop up, great idea to challenge their thinking, but it's not for you to go round telling on them. You also don't know how they would feel about other people's children- I have family who are anti-immigration except for the immigrants they know personally and like of course. People are strange. Just avoid her on one to one.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/12/2021 16:35

It’s not really a moral high horse - her views are in contravention of the equalities act.

The EA doesn't outlaw views, it regulates the behaviour of organisations.

To denounce a group friend as being hypocritical

She's not hypocritical, she's the opposite. She's stated her beliefs even when it attracts opproprium.

How would you 'denounce' her? Point and shout witch at the next group event or just slag her off to people individually behind her back.

I'm not justifying her idiotic view but I don't see any way of doing what you suggest which isn't nasty and inappropriate. If she speaks about it, disgree. If she acts in a homophobic manner, object. Otherwise, be Christian about it and leave her alone or try to change her mind.

littleburn · 14/12/2021 16:36

Slightly off point, but in your title you ask if you should denounce her for being a 'hypocrite'. In what way is she being a hypocrite? Is she saying to the group that she loves LGBTQ+ people, but saying in private to you that she thinks they need conversion therapy?

Or do you mean that her more judgemental version of Christianity (evangelical) doesn't align with your more liberal, live-and-let-live CofE Christianity? Therefore she's a hypocrite because, by your definition of Christianity, she claims to be a Christian but is not behaving in a 'Christian' way?

Can't say I agree with her views at all, but if it's the latter then she could very well say the same of you!

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 16:38

It’s not really a moral high horse - her views are in contravention of the equalities act.

The EA doesn't outlaw views, it regulates the behaviour of organisations.

Now that you mention it, it is frightening that someone would use the EA2010 for accusing someone of wrongthink.

TheHolyPotato · 14/12/2021 16:41

I did once stop going to a playgroup hosted by an evangelical church, when I twigged!
I still happily sit and have a coffee with a mum who actually attends the church if we bump into each other in the local cafe.

TheHolyPotato · 14/12/2021 16:42

I stopped going because it felt hypocritical to accept their largesse iyswim!

billy1966 · 14/12/2021 16:47

If the other people are nice, continue to forge new friendships.

Avoid her discreetly.
Allow her the rope to hang herself, no doubt she will air her disgusting views again.

Just carry on focusing on those you like whilst keeping your distance.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/12/2021 16:53

You are either in the boat or our of the boat but you are too new in this friendship group to rock it. Even when this isn't fair, that's how it works.

TheHolyPotato · 14/12/2021 16:55

Wait til you hear the one about being ill being a sign of some previous sin.

Frazzledmummy123 · 14/12/2021 17:00

Her views are awful, however I would stay out of it and not say anything to anyone else about them. She'll likely say something herself at some point in the future anyway. Saying something will only make you look like a gossip or a sh*t stirrer, and also, people can surprise you. What would happen if one of the others share her views? That creates more tension, and it could therefore backfire.

Still go to the activities even if she is there. No matter what you think of her, rise above it and still be civil with her. Yes, her views are bigoted and has affected how you see her, but don't let her stop you, and let herself show others what she is like.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 14/12/2021 17:04

I think you should robustly challenge her view, when expressed, to her face - whether in front of others or not.

I don't think you should 'denounce' her. People are allowed to hold opinions that others find abhorrent. There is no law against holding an opinion, although expressing or acting on it it in some contexts might be illegal.

Winter2020 · 14/12/2021 17:17

I appreciate you feel very strongly about this person's views and you should be true to that and challenge the views as they arise/ disagree in a civil manner.

You shouldn't stop going to the group or "call her out" though. Lots of people have strong views on political parties/ Brexit/ Covid vaccines. If you fall out/avoid everyone that you passionately disagree with you might fast run out of company.

Not cutting someone off doesn't mean compromising your own views.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 14/12/2021 17:17

You agree to to disagree and you give her a very wider berth.

littlefireseverywhere · 14/12/2021 17:21

I'd probably just go with the flow a bit. Still meet up and not say anything about her views, as indicated by others they've said that the group probably all know. If it does come up, you can freely voice your views without denouncing hers, she'll do that herself!