AIBU To be pretty peeved at family

[FeelSoAwful]

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much, probably I am but I’m getting increasingly ped off at family that couldn’t give a s how I am.

Bit of context: I’m 7 months pregnant and my mental health has deteriorated pretty significantly in the last couple of months to the point where I’m now under crisis team because I’m suicidal.

My family know all this as I messaged them to update them last week basically saying my midwife was taking me to A&E to be seen urgently by one of the psych team. Have I heard anything since? Have I f* ! I got brief messages at the time saying thinking of you etc but no one has bloody bothered to check on me since.

I’m meant to be doing various family events over the next couple of weeks before Christmas and I’m really tempted to say f* it and not bother going even tho certain family members I haven’t seen in 2 years are gonna be there.

What would you do and am I being unreasonable in being upset by this?

YABU: they’re busy ppl with their own lives, don’t expect them to contact you
YANBU: they’re being d*s for not checking in on a pregnant family member who is suicidal

Do you have anyone else to support you OP as it doesn't sound like you will gey that from your family.
Is it mum/dad/siblings and are they normally like this with you?

Yeah…..I wonder whether having such selfish people in your family might have contributed to your mental health issues….

At this point, I wouldn’t do anything drastic. You’re in a very vulnerable place right now, so not the best time to openly fall out with them.

Are you in England? If so can you use fear of omicron (especially in pregnancy) as an excuse to get out of the family events? Let’s you avoid seeing them without having to tell them they’ve behaved badly.

What other support do you have available? Do you have friends, a partner?

YANBU unless you're talking about cousins etc. If its parents and siblings etc and close family and they haven't bothered to check in on you then that's not normal unless there's a massive back story where you're not close to any of them. Do you have a partner? Hope you feel better soon.

Depends. My brother wouldn’t contact me and my dad wouldn’t but when she was alive my mum would and my aunt would.

It depends how close you are

Well it is horrible when you can’t get support from family members, but do you know what’s going on in their lives? Everyone seems to be under an awful lot of stress at the moment.
Tbh in these circumstances I would expect you to be getting most of your support from your child’s father. Have you had mental health problems prior to being pregnant? What help did you put in place prior to getting pregnant in case of a reoccurrence?

To answer the partner question, yes I’m married and my husband is incredibly supportive. He’s my absolute rock.

And in terms of which family members I'm talking about, it’s my dad (and stepmum) and siblings that don’t seem to give a s* but maybe im the one being selfish because yes they’ve all got their own stresses in life and are busy in their own ways.

In terms of the question about how close we are I don’t know. We have group what’s apps, one group with mum and another group with dad. The group is pretty active so it’s not like we don’t communicate with each other.

@NeedsCharging Yup I’ve got my husband and my best friend who are both amazing. I think this pregnancy has made me realise who cares and who doesn’t.
Unfortunately it shouldn’t really be a surprise cos the family members that aren’t bothering to contact have been this way my whole life so I don’t know why I’m expecting any different now.

@Fairyliz To answer your question on what support I put in place to prevent a relapse (which btw is a bit of a loaded question), I’ve been on antidepressants for years, I’ve seen a psychotherapist weekly for 5 years and continue to do so, I self-referred myself to the perinatal team at the beginning of the pregnancy.. I think that’s pretty comprehensive?

My sister is often suicidal, many interventions from the crisis team and admissions to A&E.

Personally, I have zero emotional reserve to deal with her anymore so updates generally get a "sorry to hear that" response. If I don't do this my mental health takes a battering because she will absorb every tiny bit of my energy in a bid to make herself well again. I have a full time job, I care for my ill father she doesn't and I have a family of my own to support and nurture alongside my personal mental wellbeing issues that are never acknowledged by my sister.

I literally cannot afford to get involved anymore as much as that hurts because she extracts too high a price for any support offered. I care, but I can't get involved - she needs to lean on her partner and the crisis team.

I'm not suggesting that you're like my sister and you take more than you give, but just trying to give perspective that their responses aren't necessarily about you - it could just be the absolute limit of what they can personally offer and a way of safeguarding themselves. Put on your own mask first in aeroplane parlance.

If being around them doesn't help you then decline the events planned for over Christmas. Focus on you, and how to make your world safe and good. Best wishes

DraigFach I understand completely. At the end of the day, those people have to take care of themselves first, before they can reach out to anyone else. Who knows what they have to deal with in their own lives, and it does sound as though OP has ongoing needs. I hope everything goes well for you OP, especially as you will have a new baby to care for soon.

@DraigFach

My sister is often suicidal, many interventions from the crisis team and admissions to A&E.

Personally, I have zero emotional reserve to deal with her anymore so updates generally get a "sorry to hear that" response. If I don't do this my mental health takes a battering because she will absorb every tiny bit of my energy in a bid to make herself well again. I have a full time job, I care for my ill father she doesn't and I have a family of my own to support and nurture alongside my personal mental wellbeing issues that are never acknowledged by my sister.

I literally cannot afford to get involved anymore as much as that hurts because she extracts too high a price for any support offered. I care, but I can't get involved - she needs to lean on her partner and the crisis team.

I'm not suggesting that you're like my sister and you take more than you give, but just trying to give perspective that their responses aren't necessarily about you - it could just be the absolute limit of what they can personally offer and a way of safeguarding themselves. Put on your own mask first in aeroplane parlance.

If being around them doesn't help you then decline the events planned for over Christmas. Focus on you, and how to make your world safe and good. Best wishes

Very much agree with this and you explained it very well. Take care OP.

Oh @DraigFach I’m so so sorry, I really hope I’m not your sister (literally or metaphorically) You’ve described it well and I would hate to be thought of that way as in that I’m a drain and that people can’t deal with me anymore.

Oh I didn't realise you have a long history of suicidal tendencies. In that case YAB a bit U to fly off the handle about them and consider cancelling meeting with them etc. You have to accept with your history they can't always be in continual contact when you're having worse episodes and as above it might be to protect their mental health too. Good luck OP.

I also have a sibling with severe mental health issues. To be clear, I would never think of her as a drain, or as somebody I can’t deal with. It’s just that I know for my own sanity/wellbeing I have to limit how involved I get. So maybe that’s what’s happening here.

Also, maybe they’re dickheads.

Either way, their lack of response is not your fault, and is not your problem.

Focus on the relationships that help you. Focus on getting well again. Focus on a new baby! Disengage from your family as much as you want/need to, and find other sources of support.

Oh op I feel really sorry for you but the update changes things.

I have fragile MH myself and physical issues and I have to be v careful not to take on more than I can handle.

I’m sorry again.

Errr where have people got the idea that I’ve got a long history of suicidal tendencies? I’ve only been suicidal once before and yes I was in hospital for that episode but I’ve been stable since, and this is only the second episode. Please note I’m not actually @DraigFach’S sister …

Even so I have to keep myself first and foremost.

I’m sorry you feel unsupported but even without active suicidal tendencies I have former friends who, as a result of their own MH challenges, I had to distance myself from because I can’t support them and keep myself on an even keel.

Your husband and friend should be able to give you an idea whether your family are self centred or whether they are currently burnt out and unable to engage.

I am sorry you are going through this, and it is good you have a strong support system with your dh, and best friend and health care folks.

It can be hard when you are in the thick of a crisis to see why others may pull back, but there could be a lot else going on in their lives right now too.

@picklemewalnuts

Your husband and friend should be able to give you an idea whether your family are self centred or whether they are currently burnt out and unable to engage.

My family and a family member’s friend have no idea of where I’m at in my capacity to cope with things

@ChangeChingyChange

Oh I didn't realise you have a long history of suicidal tendencies. In that case YAB a bit U to fly off the handle about them and consider cancelling meeting with them etc. You have to accept with your history they can't always be in continual contact when you're having worse episodes and as above it might be to protect their mental health too. Good luck OP.

So on discovering the OP's been battling this for longer than you originally realised, this diminishes your sympathy for the OP? Because that's how you're coming off in this rather insensitive post. I'd have thought the OP's updates would engender more sympathy, not less.

YANBU but sometimes it's hard to know what to say to someone in your position. They more than likely are desparately worried they might say the wrong thing. Try to tell them what you need from them and be realistic about what they can do. Perhaps ask for a call once a week from your parents

Be kind to yourself but also to them. Wishing you well xxx

Thank you @FestiveFruitloop

Thank you @picklemewalnuts I’ve talked it through with DH and he’s helped me to understand the situation a bit better

Thank you @Seafog I do get that, I know I’m not thinking totally clearly at the mo