Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

No birthday cake :(

29 replies

tumpletops · 13/12/2021 13:41

I was my birthday last week. DH is a bit rubbish at birthdays. I now buy something I want and he transfers money to me, then on the day I get some token gifts from him and the DC's (bubble bath chocs etc). We went out for a family meal that he paid for. All good.
But, no birthday cake. Out of everyone in our house I think I like cake the most. I love cake, especially kids birthday cake (sponge jam buttercream and loads of icing). I make sure that everyone else has a birthday cake, which I either make or buy depending on how busy I am. Cake and candles and "happy birthday to you". But nope, not for me. I even made a jokey comment last week thinking he'd take the hint. He didn't.

I'm nearly 50 FFS. AIBU for feeling sad about this? WIBU to ask him to get me one even though it's over a week after my birthday?

OP posts:

BHX3000 · 13/12/2021 13:43

YANBU to feel sad.
YWNBU to ask him. Send him to M&S with instructions on how to find biggest one!

Original poster

tumpletops · 13/12/2021 13:46

Thanks. It's such a small thing but it's also a really easy thing for DH to sort out and make me smile.

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 13/12/2021 13:46

I don't get a cake either and it truly doesn't bother me one little bit but, it bothers you, he knows it bothers you and he did nothing about it. That's a bit mean spirited of him to my mind, it wouldn't take much to organise you a cake for your birthday.

Original poster

tumpletops · 13/12/2021 13:46

@bloodywhitecat

Exactly!

OP posts:

furbabymama87 · 13/12/2021 13:46

Yanbu, but some people usually men are useless at this type of thing, so if he's this type of person, then I wouldn't take it personally. My DH was crap at birthdays and Christmas and would buy me the most random things when we first got together. He's better now, but I've had to give him a few pointers and reminders.

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 13:48

You know he's useless so you can't have been surprised - but it's understandable to be a bit disappointed.

Have you told him how his attitude makes you feel?

pilar3 · 13/12/2021 14:02

Just tell him straight in no uncertain terms OP. Tell him if he doesn’t come home with an amazing cake tonight you are off to a hotel. If it matters to you, it matters. That’s it.

AliveAndSleeping · 13/12/2021 14:05

I think if you could tell him that you'd like one and would be happy if he got you one now after being told that would be perfect. None of that "you should have known /read my mind/ returned the favour" nonsense.

Just someone telling their partner clearly what they want and then being happy getting it. Sorry, not sure I'm making sense but what you said (about asking him to get you a cake now) just makes so much sense to me and seems like such a mature way to handle this. Absolutely love it!!

Happy birthday

Laiste · 13/12/2021 14:12

Men aren't useless though are they? If part of his job was to buy a bloody cake once a year and light a couple of candles at work i'm sure he'd manage it.

What is it then?

Either genuinely doesn't know you wanted one or couldn't be arsed.

humph

for you OP x

Nowomenaroundeh · 13/12/2021 14:13

I know exactly how you feel OP. I always organise the silly birthday stuff (balloons, surprise singing and candle in dessert in restaurant) for everyone's birthday and make no secret of the fact that I love being on the receiving end of it.

It is a running joke between my friends about organising my 'surprise'.

My DP and his daughters pretend they hate it but they always look really pleased and he always thanks me afterwards for wrapping the presents organising the candles and singing.

However on my birthday I always have to remind him over and over. My mum has come the last couple of years and the pair of them sort of ganged up and became accomplices in the eye rolling and telling me I was being stupid. We had gotten engaged the day before too and my mum told me to stop being ridiculous when I showed the waitress my ring and said we were celebrating.

Honestly I still feel upset about it. This year I'm going out with my friends and they can stay home.

Dalooah · 13/12/2021 14:21

Second birthday together DP 'forgot' to get cake and we had a massive argument about it. He now knows that a birthday is not a birthday without cake and he's it to organise it- presents aren't as important to me and he knows it and has managed to deliver since! Maybe you need to make it a massive point? But I totally get how you're feeling! Sorry you've not had cake for your birthday!

AlbertBridge · 13/12/2021 14:24

My DH doesn't like cake, so never usually gets me a cake. I buy them myself. I don't mind - I just draw the line at baking and icing my own birthday cake, as I did that once and felt like a totally friendless, unloved loser. 😂

DH's thing is cards, so he always buys me a gorgeous card and writes a lovely message in it. I'd rather that than a cake, as the cards last.

Honestly, I'd make it a birthday tradition to buy yourself the nicest cake.

Laiste · 13/12/2021 14:26

@Nowomenaroundeh - ''my mum told me to stop being ridiculous when I showed the waitress my ring and said we were celebrating.''

Ignore you mum. What a killjoy!

My DM has a habit of being very sneery about other peoples joy. When it's something good that's happened to her it's a different kettle of fish though. We're all supposed to ring the bells and blow the whistles As you get older you see some of your parents personality traits more clearly and learn to ignore/rise above them.

percythewitch · 13/12/2021 15:36

YANBU to be upset but it should have been addressed at the time.

A week has passed. Let it go.

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 15:38

No ???

LTB!!
Not even joking!!

SoSoTiredToday · 13/12/2021 15:41

You're 50....

Itsalmostanaccessory · 13/12/2021 15:42

You're nearly 50 and you've got kids. So you've been with him for a while then?
Have you had not this conversation.

"On my birthday, I want the same respect I give to all of you. So someone needs to get a birthday cake we have a dinner that's about me, just like we do for everyone else in this house."

Wilkolampshade · 13/12/2021 15:43

No YANBU. As PP have pointed out, if it was part of his job he would manage it (probably) and hopefully without reminding.
My DH has been like this for 25 years and I'm sorry to say it has rather rubbed off on our kids who also struggle to 'remember' stuff like this when it concerns me.
It's on the list I'll leave behind when I finally fuck off.
You're young as yet. Don't settle for it OP.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2021 15:47

I love cake and a bit of effort - candles, birthday bunting up. DH isn’t fussed at all - he wouldn’t mind if I didn’t do it for him. I make my own cake which means I get one.
If I told him I wanted a cake and to buy me one he would but that’s as bad as sorting my own.
Sensible adult thing is to tell DH how you felt and make it clear next birthday is to come with a cake and candles. I’d be tempted not to bother with a cake for his birthday.
How old are the children? Little ones usually would want to sing. If they are teens I’d be open about how rubbish you felt not to have a cake and they should sort/remind DH next time.

Cheerbear24 · 13/12/2021 15:47

Don’t just joke about it tell him straight! In fact tell your kids too.
My DH is pretty poor at presents, and I do just send him links to things I want and issue reminders too.
If I didn’t buy my own cake I’d never get one, as he doesn’t like it and if he even remembered I’m sure he would buy a shit one as he doesn’t like sweet stuff.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2021 15:49

He sounds very thoughtless
Why have you been putting up with it past your first birthday with him?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 13/12/2021 15:49

Does he normally get you a cake?

dementedpixie · 13/12/2021 15:50

I made my own cake and made everyone sing happy birthday to me. Dh would probably have bought me a cake but felt like making a Victoria sponge

Seasidemumma77 · 13/12/2021 15:50

It was my birthday last week, I'm also well known for my love of cake and didn't receive one. Took myself to my favourite local coffee shop and bought myself a slice of delicious cake. I decided years ago that it was pointless expecting anyone else to remember to buy a cake.

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 15:53

You're not sad about the cake, you're sad about the fact that your husband can't even be arsed to run out to Asda and pick up a £5 Victoria sponge for you. That is how unimportant you are to him.

How's the relationship in general? Is this the exception or is he equally uncaring and thoughtless throughout the year?

Flip

1 2