To think that many women have had a ‘lucky escape’?

[Sweetlikejollof]

I’ve been thinking about this recently - have you ever broken up with someone and thought ‘that was a lucky escape’?

Years ago, I dated this guy for about a month/six weeks. Extremely wealthy, recently divorced, older (late twenties v mid thirties). He was very full on, doing what I now recognise as love bombing, but at the time was very flattering. Dozens of roses sent to my office after our first date, etc.

He was incredibly controlling, to the extent he tried to order for me at restaurants a few times (I demurred), once tried to tell me what to wear on a date (I demurred), and complained when I changed my hairstyle ‘without discussing it’.

He loved to ‘debate’ me, and would come up with the most ludicrous hypothetical arguments to bait me, then congratulate me for ‘standing up for myself’ and being ‘possibly even smarter than him’.

He wanted me to meet his five year old daughter almost immediately (I refused, point blank), and referred to his ex wife in extremely uncomplimentary terms. I once saw a picture and we were extremely similar in appearance- I was just a decade younger.

He made weird jokes about how he could track me/read my messages if he wanted (he worked in tech), but wouldn’t because he trusted me.

There’s much much more, but you get the picture! He was gorgeous and I was very flattered by him, and being swept off to dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant or tea at the Ritz is pretty fun. I felt like I was in a film.

However, even with all that, I cannot believe that I dated someone so awful for more than a month. I finally came to my senses and dumped him - and I have never felt such relief. It’s insane, but as soon as I sent the ‘we’re done, it’s not me, it’s you’ text (yes, I dumped him over text and have zero regrets), I felt like a weight had been lifted. It was only a few weeks, but he was this weird oppressive presence and - knowing what I now know about abusive behaviour - I’m extremely certain that my life would have turned out horribly if I’d stayed with him. I have no doubt that he’s honed his tactics and is currently making someone else utterly miserable.

Have any of you had similar lucky escapes?

Yes I’m sure most women have had bad dating experiences

Oh god yes, I have!

I was in quite a vulnerable state after splitting from my first proper boyfriend (of 3 years) and moving into a little flat on my own. I met this gorgeous man and quickly started seeing each other. He used to come and stay at my flat etc and it all moved very quickly! First of all it dawned on me that he was really stupid - I don't mean that in an arrogant way like I'm a genius he just had the brain of a child ! Then he started flipping out at really minor things - I remember I once drove us to the cinema and drove us the long way home to avoid the motorway after the film and he went mad at me as he "knew the roads" and "I clearly had no respect for him" as I wouldn't drive the way he wanted me to. Then it became apparent that he was a massive racist. I remember lying in bed thinking how the hell am I going to end this - thankfully he stormed out of my flat the next day over the most minor thing you could think of and I used it as a reason to never let him back in. Then he stalked me for about a month until I called the police. What the hell was I thinking!

@HyggeTygge1 Exactly this! You look back on it and think ‘phew’! I’m so sorry that you got stalked! Mine was just mortally offended that I’d dared dump him.

@TurnUpTurnip Not quite what I’m asking, but okay.

You asked if most women have had lucky escapes, yes I’m sure they have, hardly a shocking thought or you only want to hear details 🤷‍♀️

@TurnUpTurnip Thank you for your input.

I don't know if it was lucky, you seem to have driven your own exit admirably and without wasting time.

Errm well I honestly don't know anyone male or female who hasn't had some sort of luck dating escape, at some point.

*lucky

Who pissed on your chips @TurnUpTurnip ?

I was propositioned at a work conference by a guy who was single at the time (as was I). I quite fancied him but turned him down as it was too much, too fast. He has since been found guilty of sexual assault of a colleague. He basically got her drunk and tried to have sex with her while she was passed out. He was married with young kids by then. So glad I dodged that bullet!

Yes.

I am pleased I'm no longer with that person.

Women have been trained from practically north to put up with shit, to give him one more chance, to accept boys will be boys, to be flattered he’s jealous he loves you so much etc etc etc

Just take a look at the relationship/AIBU threads on here, posters fall over themselves to justify the crappiest behaviour and tell OP’s to accept men are just not able to do the housework/cooking/cleaning/take care of their own kids etc etc.

So yes I expect a lot of women have dated a lot of utterly unsuitable men for the sake of ‘giving him a chance’ and afterwards have had the WTF moment.

Birth not north

Yeah, I’ve been with my fair share of bounders, players & downright bastards. Some of them were great fun! But, oh the heartache...

The worst one, however, was Mr. Nice But Boring. I dumped him after three dates, and then changed my mind and we went out for three months.

He had me pegged for marriage, children, mortgage, the whole bit... But I was channeling Carrie Bradshaw at the time. It was excruciating!

He was quite sweet, but super-conservative, anally retentive & oh-so-bloody-boring. He really just wanted to settle down with “a nice girl”. Not me, then...

He followed me about a bit, when I ended it, like a lost puppy dog. My aunties used to say, you should have married that guy. Now they’re glad I didn’t. We were a total mismatch.

@DrSbaitso Thank you!

@babouchette Christ, that’s really awful!

Yep. I was seeing a guy long distance for about a month. He was seriously gorgeous and I guess my radar was off because of it. We had a row one night and then had make up sex. I went to the loo after and found a bit of condom in me. Next day I said to him that I thought the condom had split and I should probably get the morning after pill and he admitted that he'd pierced the condom intentionally so that I would get pregnant. Not that he wanted a baby, but if I was pregnant then I would be bound to him. He actually said that.
I got the morning after pill the next day and ran a mile.

@frazzledasarock

Women have been trained from practically north to put up with shit, to give him one more chance, to accept boys will be boys, to be flattered he’s jealous he loves you so much etc etc etc

Just take a look at the relationship/AIBU threads on here, posters fall over themselves to justify the crappiest behaviour and tell OP’s to accept men are just not able to do the housework/cooking/cleaning/take care of their own kids etc etc.

So yes I expect a lot of women have dated a lot of utterly unsuitable men for the sake of ‘giving him a chance’ and afterwards have had the WTF moment.

This was pretty much my thought process. We’re basically primed to tolerate things that isn’t in our best interests and some truly awful male behaviour is almost venerated. Controlling behaviour can be couched as ‘strong and manly’, and we’re told we ‘owe them a chance’.

If I ever have daughters, I’m going to do my very best to make sure I raise them to be non-compliant and have zero tolerance for this sort of garbage.

@HelloBunny Oh, I had one of those! 😂 I was bored out of my mind, but he was a sweetheart. I’m not quite sure if I’d count mine as a lucky escape, as opposed to just a relationship that didn’t pan out. I’m fairly certain I’d have made him thoroughly miserable and he didn’t deserve that!

Had a date planned this week that didn't happen, I turned up but he was delayed at work and it eventually got later than I wanted to wait so I decided to go home. I let him know this politely by text. He hadn't left work by that point so hadn't gone out of his way.

I got a whiny, petulant, blame shifting voice note about how I was obviously very frustrated and not communicating this with him. None of it was his fault (it was his fault he was late, not intentional and no hard feelings from me, but nobody else involved), and he was the one that should be upset. I got such seriously odd vibes!! He also tried to claim I had got the time wrong (I hadn't).

There were a couple of other things about him that had raised flags but I have honestly never felt such a strong urge to block someone in my life! He could've been the world's nicest man having a bad day but that felt like a real lucky escape to me.

Great thread!!

God, yes. When I look back now, I think, what was wrong with me? How did I allow myself to be treated so terribly?

He was awful. He was very, very intelligent in terms of being book smart, but his emotional intelligence was way off. He was most put out that I didn't go to university and earned a higher salary than him and had bought my own house quite young, despite the fact he had a PhD and said her had a much higher earning potential than me, and had to make sure he was better than me at everything else.

He'd watch the tv with subtitles on and whenever he saw a long word, he pause the TV and asked me what it meant. If I didn't know, he'd make me Google it, then a week later he'd ask me again what it meant and if I'd forgotten, he'd tell me he just wasn't sure I was smart enough to mother his children.

He had a female friend who he somehow managed to make me believe it was okay for him to sleep at her house once a week because he liked to go there for a smoke and didn't want to go home - of course now with more self respect I can see he was cheating on me.

He was very controlling and a cock lodger, too. He'd want me to travel to his place (HMO) most nights to stay, despite me having my own place where we could be alone and he'd always ask me to pick up food alone. Financially, I was crippled. I was just earning enough to pay a mortgage alone, bills etc, fuel for work. Then having to pay to feed him most nights was just so hard. I understood feeding him when he was at mine, but the fact he'd want me to buy food for his place too was just utter cheek.

He expected everything for free. He had a gym membership that allowed him access to two gyms and he'd always cheat the system by changing his second gym to a different one so he could go elsewhere. Once, he changed it to my gym but the change didn't compute in time. We arrived at the gym at 6am and he was so, so rude to the PT who let him in. He then needed a code to get into the toilets and again, was so rude. "For fuck sake man, you know I'd need a code so why let me get all of the way to the changing rooms to have to come back to get you to let me in?" I apologised profusely to the PT. I was so embarrassed.

We went on holiday and he said to me, I'm just not sure I only want to have sex with you for the rest of my life. I love you so much and want to stay with you but I think I want sex with other people, so I want you to know that I will begin to have sex outside of the relationship. That was the start of the end for me. I just had to pluck up the courage to end it. Luckily, he did it for me. When we got home from holiday, we were at his place and we're mid-episode of a series. He said to me can you go and make dinner now? I said not yet, I'm enjoying this, let's watch this episode. And he got up, went downstairs, cooked himself some food and came back upstairs and sat eating it next to me. I said have you really just made yourself food and not me? He said what the fuck is wrong with you? You're illogical. You just said you didn't want food yet, you wanted to watch tv, so why would I make you food if you didn't want food? I'd brought us both two chocolate bars each. He finished the food and ate his two chocolate bars. Then said he wanted more, he said can you pass me a chocolate bar from over there (at this point I didn't realise he had eaten his two). I said, I can't see yours, would you like one of mine instead? And he flipped. "One of mine? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so possessive of a chocolate bar? Why are you trying to make out that I am greedy and have to make a point of letting me know it's your chocolate bar I'm eating?" Then he threw it at me, full force and told me to get the fuck out and it was over.

I count myself lucky because I clearly didn't have the self respect to end it myself, so it was a blessing that he ended it.

I'm very happy to say that six years later, I'm very happily settled with a little boy and my lovely partner who just so happens to be that lovely PT I had to apologise to profusely.

I’m not sure if I would consider that to be a lucky escape. It was just a brief relationship with someone who you quickly realised was a dickhead. I’m sure almost everyone - male and female have experienced this.

@TonyThreePies How utterly terrifying. What a loon!

@TokenGinger Well, that had a rather fabulous ending! If that were a film, I’d watch it!

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat Then I suppose you and I have different metrics regarding what constitutes a lucky escape.

I've had more than a few 'no second/third dates', as I'm sure most of us have. And a short marriage when I was young and stupid that was also a lucky escape.

My main lucky escape was in the early 80s. I was dating a guy I knew was a coke dealer (LA club scene, wealthy clientele) but he kept me away from the 'business end'. I started getting 'skittish' when he started to leave a couple of (big, hulking) 'pals' at his house with me 'to keep you company' when he left to 'transact business' (ie see his suppliers). Then these 'pals' started hanging around the clubs we went to when we were there. My 'skittishness' developed into a sense of real danger so I broke off the relationship.

He skipped town abruptly a few months later on the run from some 'wise guys' he'd burned in a drug deal. And those 'pals'? They were 'protection' but things got too hot for him to stick around.

Lord, the 80s were something!!!