To think that many women have had a ‘lucky escape’?

[Sweetlikejollof]

I’ve been thinking about this recently - have you ever broken up with someone and thought ‘that was a lucky escape’?

Years ago, I dated this guy for about a month/six weeks. Extremely wealthy, recently divorced, older (late twenties v mid thirties). He was very full on, doing what I now recognise as love bombing, but at the time was very flattering. Dozens of roses sent to my office after our first date, etc.

He was incredibly controlling, to the extent he tried to order for me at restaurants a few times (I demurred), once tried to tell me what to wear on a date (I demurred), and complained when I changed my hairstyle ‘without discussing it’.

He loved to ‘debate’ me, and would come up with the most ludicrous hypothetical arguments to bait me, then congratulate me for ‘standing up for myself’ and being ‘possibly even smarter than him’.

He wanted me to meet his five year old daughter almost immediately (I refused, point blank), and referred to his ex wife in extremely uncomplimentary terms. I once saw a picture and we were extremely similar in appearance- I was just a decade younger.

He made weird jokes about how he could track me/read my messages if he wanted (he worked in tech), but wouldn’t because he trusted me.

There’s much much more, but you get the picture! He was gorgeous and I was very flattered by him, and being swept off to dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant or tea at the Ritz is pretty fun. I felt like I was in a film.

However, even with all that, I cannot believe that I dated someone so awful for more than a month. I finally came to my senses and dumped him - and I have never felt such relief. It’s insane, but as soon as I sent the ‘we’re done, it’s not me, it’s you’ text (yes, I dumped him over text and have zero regrets), I felt like a weight had been lifted. It was only a few weeks, but he was this weird oppressive presence and - knowing what I now know about abusive behaviour - I’m extremely certain that my life would have turned out horribly if I’d stayed with him. I have no doubt that he’s honed his tactics and is currently making someone else utterly miserable.

Have any of you had similar lucky escapes?

@bluejelly

If it helps warn other women, I don't mind if it's in the Daily Fail

Maybe posters are reluctant in case their exes were abusive and they don't want to give them any ammo.

Sad but probably reality for many.

OMG, of course yes.

Mine was sort of similar to OP - trust fund kid (in his early 40s) and son of a diplomat, very entitled. He was very flattering, very generous buying dinner, etc., but I was wary because of a culture difference and generally because I am wary of most people who have silly money and little responsibility.

He said he was separated with one daughter. We only dated for 6 weeks or so but I lost patience quite quickly - he was always late which I find disrespectful, and when staying over he made a questionable comment about me "seeing other men" based on the fact that I have a spare pack of toothbrushes. He only appeared to be available on weekends so I very quickly assumed that he was not actually separated. I called him and said "this isn't working for me, I don't want to see you again". I didn't need to say more/explain anything after six weeks.

Cue multiple calls (that lasted hours when I stupidly first picked up), many photos demonstrating how "fun" he is (wearing a wedding ring!), multiple calls from different numbers when I blocked him, calls to my office, fake Facebook profiles created in to join my sports group. I accepted a message request from a young British woman in the sports group who was travelling to my town, it turned out to be him. 70+ messages in a day telling me that he knew where I lived (alone), he knew where I worked, that I am a whre, a slt, that he would wait for me and "cut my face".

So I went to the Police who told me that "he's in love" and that I should "be careful" who I date and "be suspcicious" of people who want to date me. Yeah, thanks guys.

Luckily, I was able to change my number, I was already changing jobs (unrelated), and he appears to be too lazy (touch wood) to drive all the way to my house to threaten me in person.

How did he respond op?

@TokenGinger

Oh! What a horrible story, but what a lovely, unexpected ending! 😁

Yes. I was vaguely seeing someone casually after my last break-up. Looking back now, I have no idea WHY I put up with him for 6 months and with hindsight it's clear that I got out just in time. Some of that time he was abroad & not speaking to me or just in a pet and not talking to me though!

He "playfully spanked" me so hard using his entire 15+ stone, well muscled, hockey playing body weight that I had a tingling bum for 3 days & couldn't sit down.
He "nibbled"/"playfully" nipped my nipples so hard with his reconstituted veneered teeth that I still shudder when I see v obviously veneered teeth.
I once woke up in the night to him on top of me humping me. Lucky I woke up when I did.
The night he fell asleep slap bang on top of me - I couldn't breathe under his weight. Seemed an unusual position to nod off in.
I used to message a friend each & every time I went to his, giving his address so she had it handy incase I didn't check back in.
The silent treatment and withholding affection.
Laughing at me and expecting to be able metaphorically strip me to the bone with criticism but I couldn't say a thing against him.
Setting impossible tasks then moving goal posts and sulking if I succeeded.
Humiliating me- flirting with a waitress & demanding I get her number for him, not speaking to me for a month when I didn't. Any excuse for a dramatic flounce/silent treatment!!
Snapping "I know" if I ever provided more info to a reference he hadn't seemed to get. I tested him with a couple of mountweazles/bullshit minor facts. He failed.

Eventually he flounced, I realised I didn't miss him and told him to leave me alone upon his "return". I blocked him & ramped up security on all apps/sites. He fucked off again and when he tried to be "part of my life" again on a new, unblocked number, 3 months later I immediately blocked him. DP says I was v shaken by it.

Looking back I feel lucky I left before he really physically hurt me. It's inevitable. I think I put up with it because he was company when I was a bit down, and eventually I wanted to "win" against the man-child and cut contact when I had the upper hand and withdraw on my own terms. I'd walk out mid first date if I could do it again and would immediately cut off anyone like him now. Even if I'm feeling low, it would be like willing putting my hand on a red hot iron after having already been burned by it.

He lives v near my workplace too. I'm frightened to go unescorted into the town. He knows where I live, sadly, too. I'd just bought a flat & he visited. He's never come back but I will be relieved when I eventually move!

[quote Graphista]@Ariann a friend of mine had a similar experience though not quite as bad. The man in question married her bigamously and when she attempted to divorce him is when she discovered this. Also discovered she didn't even know his real name! He was apparently a very well known con artist with a side hustle in forging documentation! Zero indication of any of this while they were together we were all gobsmacked!

[/quote]
God, that's awful.
I would have married my one if he had asked me. I had no idea at all that he was a criminal, although really, I should have put it together!

I think being very naive is so very dangerous, and I was not a teenager. I had quite a lot of life experience, but not of someone like him.

First boyfriend at uni. He had a house party and close friend from school was coming up. First time I had met him and I did my best to make him feel welcome I wasn't overly inattentive but made sure he was chatting to people eating and drinking etc. After everyone left I got the silent treatment, when I asked what was wrong got told I had been flirting with his friend. I went to leave and he threw a plate in my direction, luckily I dodged it. I dumped him by text as soon as I got home. He begged me to get back together with him but I could just see how that would end up. I had to block him on all channels, change my number and tell mutual friends not to give him my number. I ended up breaking away from that set of friends. My mum always wondered why we broke up as she thought we would end up married and he was an only son from a wealthy family that charmed them all. Once I told her she realised I had a lucky escape and was proud of me. My dad on the other hand admitted he never liked him in the first place as he never came across as genuine. I had an aunt who has been in a violent relationship for 50 years he has made her a shadow of herself and she still won't summon up the strength to leave the bastard. I didn't want to be her.

It was many years later when I met my dh and my dad loved him from the get go. I am at complete ease around him.

I had quite low self esteem as a teenager & my first two boyfriends were both awful.
The first was unbelievably controlling & treated me like crap. We went to different unis & if I didn't go to bed early he would call my room phone to check & would text abuse at me if I didn't answer. Luckily I came to my senses & broke up with him after 3 months. He then proceeded to stalk me before writing me a 8 page letter listing my faults in minute detail. He then told me he tried to commit suicide because he felt bad about being horrible to me - I told him never to contact me again & blocked his number.
The next guy seemed lovely at first & I couldn't believe my luck. He then slowly got more and more controlling & possessive. He'd dropped out of Uni & I ended up paying for everything. We dated for about 8 months before he lost his temper & then punched a wall right next to my face. I then came to my senses & realised it could be me he was hitting next & broke up with him.
I have a young daughter now & am terrified of when she starts dating!

Is seems strange to be posting about it when you were only with him for a few weeks and it was years ago. Seems like some kind of stealth boast as to how amazing you are at speedily spotting and quickly dumping unsuitable men.
Ah if only all those people in abusive marriages were as quick witted and foresighted as you eh OP.

@Tal45

Is seems strange to be posting about it when you were only with him for a few weeks and it was years ago. Seems like some kind of stealth boast as to how amazing you are at speedily spotting and quickly dumping unsuitable men. Ah if only all those people in abusive marriages were as quick witted and foresighted as you eh OP.

What?

[quote Lordoftheflyingpan]@TokenGinger … did we date the same guy? My experience is so similar. Very well-educated, professional job, good looking, well liked… and terrifyingly manipulative.

Mine was very controlled most of the time but would have outbursts. He started lashing out in frustration. Throwing things. Breaking things. Not hitting me, never me, but my environment.

He broke up with me because he was “worried one day he’s going to hit me and if he did that he would get in so much trouble because everyone always takes the woman’s side it’s so biased towards women”.[/quote]
Oh my god! They sound very similar. His name began with a U, but never used that name, and went by a nickname beginning with S.

@nettie434

Oh TokenGinger, that is 💖💖💖. As Sweetlikejollof says, it would make a great film!

Thank you ❤️ I count my blessings every day that I didn't end up with him long term, and that my little boy has a very lovely daddy. I dread to think what it would have been like having a child with him.

Yes. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me while I was having a bit of a mental health breakdown- which is understandable. What is not understandable is that he continued to sleep with me for a year after, whilst also offering me some emotional support, but was openly sleeping with others/dating others and lied to all my friends saying he wasn't sleeping with me so couldn't understand why I was so upset every time he would sleep with/date someone else. Needless to say my mental health spiralled even lower,

Why I continued to sleep with him is beyond me. I guess I was still infatuated with him and couldn't stop those emotions.

Yes, I think I had a lucky escape with my first boyfriend. I was 16 and absolutely adored him. I didn't really notice that he was controlling and bullying with violent tendencies, probably because my own father is unpleasant. It sounds odd to say it, but I just thought that all men were like that and one had no choice but to put up with it.
When I finally ended things with this boyfriend, he stalked me, threatened me with a knife and punched me in the face. I complained to the police but this was in the 80s and they weren't interested.
It took a while, but he eventually left me alone.
Then I got married to someone equally controlling.... took me a long time to learn!

I wish my first husband had made a lucky (for me) escape! Instead we wasted 10 miserable years together. The relief when we finally divorced was like the sun coming out and the rain stopping and hearing the birds ding again...

My experience was weird, I finished with my boyfriend, then got stalked by his best mate for months. He was very aggressive, begging me to date him then calling me a bitch because I wouldnt. In the end I got my ex to have a word.

One of my exes, the one whose name I try not to say because it gives me anxiety (like my brain thinks saying his name will somehow summon him), the one I just refer to as The Psycho.

I feel very lucky in that I was young enough to still be living with my parents and broke enough that I couldn't afford to move into a rental with him. If It's moved in with him he'd never have let me leave him.

I'm also aware of a lucky escape when a condom broke/came off, he really wanted to have kids (I didn't for obvious reasons) so now I wonder how much of an accident that was. Luckily I got the morning after pill.

You know what's sad? After I had posted above about my shitty first boyfriend, I thought to myself 'o my goodness, if he were to read this, he would recognise himself'.

And then I thought. No he wouldn't. There's so many just like him, or worse. He could be one of millions.

@barbrahunter

You know what's sad? After I had posted above about my shitty first boyfriend, I thought to myself 'o my goodness, if he were to read this, he would recognise himself'.

And then I thought. No he wouldn't. There's so many just like him, or worse. He could be one of millions.

He also probably wouldn't recognise the description of his behaviour. In his mind, he's the good guy and it's all your fault.

A couple when I was young. When I was 16 I started dating a 19 year old for only a few weeks. It didn't last long, as we didn't have much in common (thankfully), and years later I found out that he'd actually been 25 and his mother kicked him out of her house after she found his stash of weird porn.

Another guy when I was about 18....on our first date he wanted me to go to the park late at night for sex, questioned me about being a virgin, and told me I couldn't hang out with my friends any more as they were nearly all guys - all on our first date! I told him to get lost and never spoke to him again.

@icedcoffees That honestly hadn’t occurred to me, but you’re probably right. Do you think I should ask for it to be taken down? We’re mostly talking about things that happened a long time ago, though and mostly being fairly circumspect, so hopefully it’ll be fine?

@Tal45 Seriously?

A fleeting lucky escape for me.
I worked as a massage therapist for a few years in the early 2000s in a storefront on the high street. A bloke walked in one day asking for a massage as he'd strained his neck at work. I didn't think anything of it and invited him in. It was shiatsu, so, thankfully, he remained clothed while I worked on his neck.
About an hour later he calls me at the clinic wanting to meet and talk about his massage. I asked him if there was anything wrong after the session but didn't really want to meet him. He proceeded to tell me that he could tell that I was into him and that he felt the connection between us. He kept banging on about the fact that he had a job as a foreman in construction and that they were transferring him to London. He then told me we had to meet that day because he needed to know if I was going to come with him when he moved or whether he would stay in our city. I argued with him for over an hour that we didn't have a connection and I didn't want to meet him.
He couldn't understand why I wasn't jumping at the chance to be with him since he had a job. I can only assume that in the country he was from having any kind of job was an instant lady magnet. He was very angry when I turned him down so I closed the clinic early because I was scared to be there alone worried he might come back.
A week later I was sitting in the reception area and saw the same guy walking past with a women who had the same build and hair colour as me. He looked straight in the window as they passed so I knew he brought her there on purpose. What. A. Creep.

" lucky escape ! " : I don't think that is exclsive to women .