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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much support can I reasonably expect from my DH ?

43 replies

xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:09

I have a two year old son and I work full time.

He's in nursery.

My DH works 6 days a week at a minimum in his own business. He leaves at around 5:30 am and comes back at around 8:30 pm at night. He's trying everything he can to change how much he works, but it's very difficult to find staff. Hospitality. So at the moment, it's just the way it is. It's the way it's been, especially since the pandemic.

How much can I reasonably expect him to do at home and with our son ? I do most things now, he does the bins, small bits of DIY, admin / bills.

If there are ever emergencies, I deal with them alone / pay for help. My work suffers of course.

Should he do more ? He's not here a lot and that's just the situation.

I'm not saying he should or he shouldn't do more by the way. Just looking for insights. Or others in similar situations who may be able to advise.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2021 22:15

Does his 6 days a week provide a living such that you can afford a cleaner or any other help?

Is his work physical? Or just ‘long’?

Does he have hobbies as well or is he only away for work?

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:18

@Merryoldgoat

Does his 6 days a week provide a living such that you can afford a cleaner or any other help?

Is his work physical? Or just ‘long’?

Does he have hobbies as well or is he only away for work?

Yes we do have a cleaner. He doesn't really have any hobbies. Well, he has no time.

He comes home, watches some TV / YouTube, eats and that's about it. When he has days off we go out together or get stuff done around the house etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:18

His work is physical. He's on his feet all day.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 12/12/2021 22:21

How much money does the business bring in and is he qualified to earn that elsewhere?

If the money he earns makes life easier and takes a weight off the family, then that's not too terrible. But if he'd earn the same in a 9-5 then I think he needs to consider the best for his family.

Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2021 22:22

I’ll be honest, those hours would have me unable to speak let alone do anything else.

I think that if you want things to be shared better he needs to restructure his business and get good reliable help in.

I’d get the cleaner twice a week and get them to be more ‘house keeper’ if possible.

The bigger issue for me would be never seeing my husband - that’s no kind of relationship.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:24

He makes very good money. He would not make it in a 9-5.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2021 22:27

Then I think you have to decide what your priorities are but I think YABU in your current set up to expect more.

As I said before I couldn’t do those hours but I wouldn’t do them with a family and would not be happy with a partner who did either.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2021 22:28

When you say you pay for help, I assume you mean joint finances? Because if not completely joint, id expect him to pay out of his. You’re there doing the parenting, he can’t pull any of his share because he’s working so he needs to pay to cover his share.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:34

@Merryoldgoat

Then I think you have to decide what your priorities are but I think YABU in your current set up to expect more.

As I said before I couldn’t do those hours but I wouldn’t do them with a family and would not be happy with a partner who did either.

I don't really think he should do more. People have commented on it, so I thought I would ask what the general opinion is on here.

He's never used the washing machine haha. But he has no time to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:35

@timeisnotaline

When you say you pay for help, I assume you mean joint finances? Because if not completely joint, id expect him to pay out of his. You’re there doing the parenting, he can’t pull any of his share because he’s working so he needs to pay to cover his share.
Yes we pay for help from our joint money.
OP posts:
Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 12/12/2021 22:38

Just focus on what works for you both as a couple and don’t worry about what other people think in terms of who should be doing what. If it doesn’t annoy you to be doing the bulk of the housework, it’s not a crazy set up for you to be doing it if he is earning more and has longer hours in my opinion. And lots more people have this set up in real life than would admit in on mumsnet!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2021 22:40

It sounds awful. How long has he worked these hours? If he was doing it before you had your child when did he think he’d ever get to spend time with him?

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:40

@Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco

Just focus on what works for you both as a couple and don’t worry about what other people think in terms of who should be doing what. If it doesn’t annoy you to be doing the bulk of the housework, it’s not a crazy set up for you to be doing it if he is earning more and has longer hours in my opinion. And lots more people have this set up in real life than would admit in on mumsnet!
Thank you. It does seem on here like everyone has it all so 50:50. But it's different if the hours people work are more normal. Then it's actually possible to make it 50:50.

In our case, for now, it's not really possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:41

@AnneLovesGilbert

It sounds awful. How long has he worked these hours? If he was doing it before you had your child when did he think he’d ever get to spend time with him?
It's been especially bad since the pandemic. Before, it was more normal.
OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2021 22:42

I think as it's a temporary situation caused by pandemic, hospitality struggling for staff, I'd suck it up for a while. Once everything is more normal if he can bring in a manager to share the workload and you can re-assess the division of house stuff.

But outsource what you can, I see you've already got a cleaner, cos you don't want to be running yourself ragged and him unable to pick up your slack.

Wheelerdeeler · 12/12/2021 22:44

I'd worry about his relationship with his child. He only sees him 1 day a week?

Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2021 22:45

@Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco

Just focus on what works for you both as a couple and don’t worry about what other people think in terms of who should be doing what. If it doesn’t annoy you to be doing the bulk of the housework, it’s not a crazy set up for you to be doing it if he is earning more and has longer hours in my opinion. And lots more people have this set up in real life than would admit in on mumsnet!
I agree with this. I think 50:50 is a theoretical ideal which really means both parties are happy, proper partners with equal access to money and resources and sharing the load.

I don’t cook. Maybe once every 3 months. DH doesn’t change bed linen or hoover.

We both do plenty but work to our strengths and have the same values.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 22:47

@Wheelerdeeler

I'd worry about his relationship with his child. He only sees him 1 day a week?
Also at night time, sometimes when I keep him up later so they can be together.

That's what both of our childhoods were like. Our dads worked incredibly hard and long hours. So we didn't see them a lot. We all turned out fine.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 12/12/2021 22:49

The way you're phrasing things isn't like a couple... you're not looking for support from him, he's your partner, you're both meant to be supporting each other towards common end goals. How much support does he think he should offer you? How much support do you think he should offer you? What happens when you talk about it? And if you haven't talked about it, what stops you?

There's no set amount of anything you should be 'reasonably expecting' in a marriage. You both have to find a way of doing what feels right for you, as a couple and as 2 individuals. I think the question here is less about who should be doing what, and more about improving communication in order that you can respect each other's needs and wants as much as possible.

853ax · 12/12/2021 22:53

No way can he do 50:50 with a demanding job like that.
My husband works away a lot. When he here does bins & grocery shopping.
He does not have much of a clue about children's activities, homework ect.
Just find what fits your house. It is stressful listening to people talk about 50:50, apps help coordinate family tasks with spouse ect.
But it may be a positive getting on with it, I notice people who share family/house hold tasks seem to be on the phone soooo much coordinating who doing what.

Macaroni46 · 12/12/2021 23:14

If he makes good money, could you reduce your hours a bit? Maybe work 4 days? That way you've have more time for the house and baby stuff as with his hours he clearly can't help you.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 23:20

@Macaroni46

If he makes good money, could you reduce your hours a bit? Maybe work 4 days? That way you've have more time for the house and baby stuff as with his hours he clearly can't help you.
At the moment, I can't. It's not the kind of career where people work part time or even for any kind of ' hours '.

I need to eventually find a slightly different path if I want to work reduced hours.

OP posts:
Botherfreedays · 12/12/2021 23:23

‘He does the bins’. Grin that’s his only specific domestic job? That’s hilarious but also ridiculous. Every parent had to find a work/parenting balance. Sometimes the balance is found between you ie one of you doesn’t work or goes part time. He can’t have it all ways, he needs to find the balance too.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 12/12/2021 23:25

@Botherfreedays

‘He does the bins’. Grin that’s his only specific domestic job? That’s hilarious but also ridiculous. Every parent had to find a work/parenting balance. Sometimes the balance is found between you ie one of you doesn’t work or goes part time. He can’t have it all ways, he needs to find the balance too.
Haha I thought doing the bins is actually a thing ?
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/12/2021 23:44

If you’re ok with it and it works for you that’s fine. If you’re not ok with it you don’t have to accept it because he says it can’t be changed. I work and earn quite enough so I would not be ok with it as you can’t hire help for 9pm to midnight if I have meetings then - I need my dh to be there to trade off parenting and housework with me so we can both do our jobs, and if he couldn’t agree that mine mattered enough to make that trade off then we’d be divorced. In your case you don’t seem to mind, so I’d guilt free throw money at it to make my life easier. Buy in one home cooked meal a week, have a weekly cleaner who did washing, a gardener etc.