How much support can I reasonably expect from my DH ?

[xmastreezz]

I have a two year old son and I work full time.

He's in nursery.

My DH works 6 days a week at a minimum in his own business. He leaves at around 5:30 am and comes back at around 8:30 pm at night. He's trying everything he can to change how much he works, but it's very difficult to find staff. Hospitality. So at the moment, it's just the way it is. It's the way it's been, especially since the pandemic.

How much can I reasonably expect him to do at home and with our son ? I do most things now, he does the bins, small bits of DIY, admin / bills.

If there are ever emergencies, I deal with them alone / pay for help. My work suffers of course.

Should he do more ? He's not here a lot and that's just the situation.

I'm not saying he should or he shouldn't do more by the way. Just looking for insights. Or others in similar situations who may be able to advise.

If he earns very good money, and is struggling to find staff to ease his burden, then couldn't he that he's simply not offering them enough money/work benefits? Yes, he wont make quite as much profit, but is it just a case of him being well, a bit greedy with what he's making/offering others?

Unless there truly was no other option, I wouldn't be happy with him working those hours on an ongoing basis. It's terrible for him, for you, for your relationship, and your child.

Doing the bins is not a thing. It’s on a par with saturday afternoons he cuts some cheese for cheese and crackers snack for the dc. Mine does the bins because I don’t like it but if he’s not there it’s not an issue - I do the bins. If I weren’t there there is lots more he’d struggle with! It is definitely not worth listing as one of the pros of having them around unless the only other thing on your list of their good points is ‘ties his own shoelaces’.

@Moonbabysmum

If he earns very good money, and is struggling to find staff to ease his burden, then couldn't he that he's simply not offering them enough money/work benefits? Yes, he wont make quite as much profit, but is it just a case of him being well, a bit greedy with what he's making/offering others?

Unless there truly was no other option, I wouldn't be happy with him working those hours on an ongoing basis. It's terrible for him, for you, for your relationship, and your child.

No, it's really not him being tight. Have you not seen the news ? The sector is really, really struggling.

@timeisnotaline

Doing the bins is not a thing. It’s on a par with saturday afternoons he cuts some cheese for cheese and crackers snack for the dc. Mine does the bins because I don’t like it but if he’s not there it’s not an issue - I do the bins. If I weren’t there there is lots more he’d struggle with! It is definitely not worth listing as one of the pros of having them around unless the only other thing on your list of their good points is ‘ties his own shoelaces’.

Well, I really struggled to find anything he does do around the house.. he has never :

Cleaned the bathroom
Done laundry
Cleaned the fridge
Washed the floors
Ironed
Dusted
Etc etc

He has hoovered to be fair and he does take out the bins.

But literally has no time.

Honestly? I think he’s physically doing pretty much all he can atm. Those hours would wipe most people out.

You need to be discussing the end-game. The current schedule would be pretty hard to sustain long-term.

My husband worked away 5 days a week for years but we could all tolerate it because there was an end in sight from the word go. If there currently isn’t for you, you’ll need more practical domestic help. Maybe an au pair.

You really need to be in the same page, though. It won’t work if you both have very different expectations.

To be honest, I can't see how he could do more with those hours - he's out all day 6 days a week and the day he is off you say you do all spend time as a family/days out/get stuff sorted round the house.
It doesn't necessarily sound healthy in the aspect of neither of you having any time to yourselves but as you say, it's a nightmare trying to find staff in hospitality just now as people are scared if more lockdowns happen then they'll be out of a job/no hours etc.

My Partner works away, he works offshore so he'll be away for 2-3 weeks at a time then home for 2-3 weeks at a time. We have a 7 month old and I think it does bother him that people make comments about me doing the majority of the work because I'm alone half the month but he earns a lot more than me so provides a good life for our son.
When he's home he's off so we split the weeks he's home 50/50 which means we essentially both get 25% "free" time, which will either be days out as a family or time to do stuff ourselves. It means I'm doing 75% of the childcare/house stuff for the month but he's away half that time.

I've had a lot of friends/family tell me they couldn't do it but it's what works for us so if it's working for both of you don't worry about what others think!

But why has he never done any of those things? Why can’t he work a washing machine? Is there anything wrong with him??

Don’t worry about what others think. Do what works best for you and your family.

You describe this as a temporary situation since the start of the pandemic, but then you also say he has NEVER done most types of housework.

So has there ever been a time when he has worked fewer hours? If so, did he pull his weight around the house then?

Is the situation with his working hours likely to improve itself going forward? If he's earning plenty of money still, could he reduce the number of days / hours the business is open until staffing issues can be resolved? By working so many hours he is literally leaving you holding the baby and shouldering all of the responsibility at home by default. Do you get any say in how many hours he is working?

@violetbunny

You describe this as a temporary situation since the start of the pandemic, but then you also say he has NEVER done most types of housework.

So has there ever been a time when he has worked fewer hours? If so, did he pull his weight around the house then?

Is the situation with his working hours likely to improve itself going forward? If he's earning plenty of money still, could he reduce the number of days / hours the business is open until staffing issues can be resolved? By working so many hours he is literally leaving you holding the baby and shouldering all of the responsibility at home by default. Do you get any say in how many hours he is working?

Yeah he didn't do much housework before. Even though he didn't work as much. But seeing as I always worked at home more and my schedule was always more forgiving, I always did more. Even before, when his schedule was a bit more normal. We also didn't have kids, before the pandemic. We became parents then.

He can't shut his place down, it's not an option. There are not many options. He's working hard at restructuring, but it takes time. In the mean time, Brexit and the pandemic have made it very difficult to find staff. But hopefully things get better soon for us.

We are both exhausted.

So, if he offered staff twice what he is now, he still wouldn't be able to find staff?

If he is earning so well, and it's hospitality, couldn't he chose to work less hours and still make a decent amount, if he really can't find help?

The fact that he didn't seem to do much before, makes it seem as if he wouldn't be doing much anyway.

It's not unheard of for some men to take extra hours on in work etc, when the kids are young, as a way of opting out of the parental grunt work.

@Moonbabysmum

So, if he offered staff twice what he is now, he still wouldn't be able to find staff?

If he is earning so well, and it's hospitality, couldn't he chose to work less hours and still make a decent amount, if he really can't find help?

The fact that he didn't seem to do much before, makes it seem as if he wouldn't be doing much anyway.

It's not unheard of for some men to take extra hours on in work etc, when the kids are young, as a way of opting out of the parental grunt work.

If he offered all the staff be needs, double pay, we would go bankrupt. It doesn't work like that.

Wages have gone up lots already and everyone working for him is very, very well paid. It's not him being tight or us being greedy. Of course we would sacrifice and we have sacrificed a lot, in order to get more staff on board. But it's not as simple as you make out, I'm afraid.

He's never used the washing machine haha. But he has no time to do so.

I'm calling BS. I totally get that his hours are long and exhausting - but it takes 5 minutes to grab the laundry basket and put a load on. 5 minutes to take it out of the washer and put it into the dryer. 10 minutes to fold and put away. If he were single, he'd put a load on when he got in, or when he got up, or whatever. He'd find a way. And if you're going to say that the machine would disturb you, then he could do another job. Imagine your life if the groceries were ordered and put away, and meals planned. Imagine if money was lasagne night in your meal plan, and when you got up on Monday you found that he'd put some mince, tinned tomatoes and chopped onions in the slow cooker overnight. Or that you could leave the washing up and it all be done in the morning.

I'm glad you have a cleaner. It sounds as if you'd also benefit from some more home help- what about some wrap around childcare, or home cooked meals delivered?

@BoundariesAlready

He's never used the washing machine haha. But he has no time to do so.

I'm calling BS. I totally get that his hours are long and exhausting - but it takes 5 minutes to grab the laundry basket and put a load on. 5 minutes to take it out of the washer and put it into the dryer. 10 minutes to fold and put away. If he were single, he'd put a load on when he got in, or when he got up, or whatever. He'd find a way. And if you're going to say that the machine would disturb you, then he could do another job. Imagine your life if the groceries were ordered and put away, and meals planned. Imagine if money was lasagne night in your meal plan, and when you got up on Monday you found that he'd put some mince, tinned tomatoes and chopped onions in the slow cooker overnight. Or that you could leave the washing up and it all be done in the morning.

I'm glad you have a cleaner. It sounds as if you'd also benefit from some more home help- what about some wrap around childcare, or home cooked meals delivered?

It totally makes sense what you say. But I think he can't carry the mental load of doing it, if that makes sense. It's too much apparently.

I get deliveries a lot. Twice a week I would say.

I have my own businesses, and it’s hard. I very much understand the long hours and the dedication they need, how much is at stake, and how much of work/life balance its far too easy to sacrifice, I’ve been guilty of it myself.

Having said that, I started my first business when I was a single parent of a 2 year child,so roughly where you are now in terms of child age, and there was no spare money to pay for help of any kind because of the stage we were at. So I did the business and all the housework and all the childcare and all of it, 24/7, for several years. Would I recommend it? No. Do I think it’s unreasonable as an expectation of anyone, maybe. Did I manage to find time to wash my own clothes and make my own food? Yes, because no one else was going to. I couldn’t work without clothes and food so it was part of my job.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to throw money at the problem Op if that helps short term, but agree you need an exit strategy for this kind of lifestyle. No one can do it forever, I couldn’t, nor can either of you.

It totally makes sense what you say. But I think he can't carry the mental load of doing it, if that makes sense. It's too much apparently

It's awfully convenient that he can't carry the mental load though, isn't it?

It's one of those things that as women, we get on with. You've got a full time job and you're primary and almost sole carer to your child, and yet all the mental load of running a household is down to you.

I just don't buy it that he can't be responsible for some more of it than doing the bins.

I know I sound harsh and maybe I am, but he's capable of running a successful business. Of course he's capable of making sure the household has laundry done every day/preparing meals at night for the next day/ whatever.

My other half works about 45 hours a week.

I work half that and then I do practically everything else, including 95% of the childrearing for two disabled children, 95% of the cleaning, all of the tidying, all of the cooking, all of the shopping, anything to do with the kids admin (school, birthdays, Christmas etc) and the bins! If I ask him to lift a finger (like load the dishwasher, help put one child to bed, clean the bathroom) it's met with a complaint about how busy he is so is never done willingly.

I don't do his washing!

So, compared to that, you're getting a good deal. But, it sounds very hard on you.