To feel like I don't have enough time to really play with my children!

[user1496146479]

Hi all!
So we have four dc, eldest is ten, youngest is one. Both myself & DH work full time in reasonable demanding jobs - officially 9-5 but definitely not 9-5 in practice. DH is totally an equal parent, cooks, cleans, school runs etc all shared.

Older three children all do activities during the week and at weekends. Some of activities overlap, some don't. We have already cut back on some. We carpool with other parents where we can to share the load where possible, but this is not as easy now with covid etc.

So with all this, I just realised this evening while sorting laundry & uniforms etc for this week, that there never seems to be enough time to just play with the kids. Sure they play with each other and occasionally with DH or I, but I honestly cannot recall the last time we played.

How do you fit this in? I'm most definitely not a domestic goddess spending hours cleaning etc, but there just never seems to be enough time to get the basics done, before both DH & I fall into bed exhausted each night?

What am I missing?

God, sorry it's so long!

I feel that with only one at times, as he has just started school, so by the time he's home and tea there's little time for much before bed.

I cancelled all our plans for one weekend day, I think we can over busy over selves, he kept asking to stay home and play, so we did. No phones, no chores for most of the day, just a fun day.

Can one of you do swimming, the other stays and plays then one of you do football and the other play then alternate weekends ?

Of course you don't have to play with your kids but there's nothing wrong with wanting to free time to enjoy with them.

If it's really bothering you, can you bring a bit of play into chores/tasks? We often end up having tickle fights getting ready for bed or chase each other round while getting dressed in the morning. It's not the same as getting down on the floor and playing Barbies for an hour but it still brings in that playful vibe

I played with mine when they were small, but I was a SAHM and that wasn't always easy.

I have 2dc are 7 and 9 and work 4 days a week. The 9yo has asd and really needs attention / guidance and the 7yo just enjoys my company so I do play with them, things like jigsaws and crafts. They enjoy it and benefit from the attention and supervision. We have dinner at 6 and then do something, eg crafts, several nights a week. Other evenings may be homework or out - but they only have one evening activity a week.

It is hard to find time, and I don't know if it's necessary if your kids enjoy being busy and entertain themselves!

I have an only DC (not through choice). Recently turned 4. Clearly it would be different if things had gone to plan as my DC would have a sibling with a relatively small age gap who would be getting to the age of beginning to play with them (MC when DC was 2). Instead, it's just me, DH and DC.

I think I do play with my DC a lot more than many other parents do. This is probably partly through guilt at the lack of sibling but also because I remember spending a lot of time playing with toys and making up stories when I was small so I just sort of get my DC's games. I also tell them to go away and leave me alone a lot too and we have lots of TV .

I find the imaginary play where I have to participate like eating toy food and doctors quite wearing, but I will do it for a bit while dinner is in the oven. DC and I will usually do one big thing together on Saturday mornings, like build a duplo city or zoo or a huge wooden train track.

We also take toys out of the house with us. Our nearest playground has a huge sandpit so we do lots of sand cupcakes and sandcastles when we're there. We usually have a couple of toy boats or small dumper trucks with us on family walks which my DC plays with in puddles or in the dirt while DH and I have coffee (a lockdown habit). And we play at bathtime. DC always has toys in the bath (usually the entire Paw Patrol and various villainous sea creatures). We do jellybaff and slime quite a lot. When we go out to cafes/restaurants, I usually take a few books to read to DC as it's a good chance to get some reading in when I'm not tired and stressed and trying to clean the house.

Tbh I often find it exhausting with one and I don't think I'd be able to do all this with 4 since everything else would take so long (bath, teeth, dressing etc.). But I would have thought the (lovely) benefit of 4 is that they have each other and rely on you less.

4 kids means a ton of housework, and then loads of time facilitating stuff for them and supporting them emotionally, in my current experience. I just spend a few moments playing with them and leave them to it.

Well this thread is depressing...playing with your kids is not just a modern thing. My mum always played with me and her mum with her. I do with DS. Everything from him pretending to be a teacher and me a kid to building dens and baking and serving it up on his toy kitchen.

I'm shit at the educational side or helping him learn actual hobbies (finances is a big issue there) but pretending to be a cat for half an hour or so is an easy win!

Could you or your partner work less? Pay for help in the house? Anything to free up time?
Children miss out on so much basic family life when parents are too busy. Playing with your kids is a unique and short lived phase in life and it doesn't matter to them whether it's a board game or building a den.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea I don't think it's universal to play in that way with your children though. Some do and that's nice. Others don't have the time or inclination and it's okay too.

OP I think the range of your children also makes this hard. When you have one being ferried to activities all week you can't spend much time making mud pies and playing pretend with the baby. You will probably find that when your older ones have left home you'll have much more quality time with the younger ones than you did when the older one was ten.

If it's really bothering you you can try to be very intentional about finding certain moments in the week with each child where you know you do have half an hour, even if it's over Thursday breakfast or just before bed on Saturdays and think of a way to make that a playful time.

When we put the tree up the other week, I put a little basket under it with some games in - deck of cards, a little bingo set we have, and sat it on top of two board games.

Having them there has meant that we reach for them instead of the remote control some evenings.

I've also pulled all the lego into a tub and sat it on the dining table for the christmas break. We can all just grab bits and build as we pass through the house.

It's not great - I've friends who (are part time or sahm) who play all the time. But it's the best we can manage.

I think there is inevitably less attention for dc when you have a large family. I'm sure there are advantages for the dc too.

My eldest likes me doing stuff with her but the other two prefer siblings then parents for playing, talking hanging out ect.
Often find if I invite #2 or #3 to do something alone with me they will say no want to stay with siblings. Where as eldest always looking bit individual attention. .
Don't think it a big worry not to play with your children. Sure if given option they would pick swimming, match s ect. .
I always felt my role as parent was get them up and running willing& able to do things without me. Help develop them into independent kind people.
Must be busy a house of 6 fact that uniforms ready for tomorrow you are doing a super job

Would it be possible to block out 1-2 hours on the weekend between/after activities? Make it proper family time. No cleaning. No cooking. Just all of you in the living room with a toy box.

If you have the space, what about setting up a jigsaw that you can all do in and out of? Or Lego, as a PP has said. Means you only need 5 min free instead of a “game” length of time.

And make the most of Christmas!! Primo game time, if you and your DH get any time off.

*dip in and out of

You both work full time and have 4 children, of course you don't have any time to play with them.

The problem with wetting time aside (ibe found) is that you say "let's all do x now" and everyone's already halfway through a tv show/ mid game with their toys etc. So it then becomes a chore.

The best play is spontaneous.

We have 3..all grown now. Both worked full time but l am a teacher so home earlier.
When dh arrived home from work it became a tradition to wrestle..boys and girls. They did it for say 10 mins every evening. They would be waiting at the door!!
Then on bright evenings or weekends he played football in the garden with them until they were exhausted. I had no part in either of those. My play was very calming..playing cards, board games, reading, so overall they did well. I also find imaginative play exhausting and dh would rather run up a mountain with them than do any but they mostly did that together. We also watched Saturday movie together and they watched ,as they grew ,a lot of sport with us too as we all are into that.
I grew up in a big family but my dad played a lot with us outside..chasing, hiding etc. My dm did the board games.
Could you set aside Sunday as a family day or afternoon, no housework just doing things together. I think it's easier in Summer as more fun outdoors with hide and seek etc. But even for yourself a Sunday without chores is a nice break. It makes one day feel different and if ye decide on it ye become more aware of keeping it mainly free.

I'm from a big family, and only have a few memories of my parents playing with me. I remember fondly my parents feeding me, washing me, taking me places, but playing with my siblings was probably more fun. That's because I got on well with my nearest sibling, though - it's not always better to have siblings, and I have an only myself.

Isn't it important to play with kids? I thought it's the main way that they learn about the world. Doesn't everyone else get their eyes poked out when little DC are playing Doctors .

Does no-one else secretly love building lego??

Have you ever done one of those scheduling exercises where you rank tasks by both urgency and importance. Playing with children (or spending time together in other ways) is important but rarely urgent, so it's easy never to get round to it. Given how busy you are, if it's going to happen you need to schedule it.

Obviously it would be lovely if you all played together spontaneously whenever you felt like it but that's not happening. I don't know how old your kids are but with mine (teens) I quite often pre-arrange with them to play a board game or whatever or have a movie night.

You mentioned football and swimming at the weekend- that must leave at least some time. If you don't schedule play time, the time you do have available gets eaten up by stuff which is more urgent but less important (going to B&Q or whatever).

Prioritise play - just do 15 minutes a day of whatever they want to choose. Maybe do two kids per parent so half an hour total. Let them lead the play (maybe not 1yo). Set a timer.

I played on and off with mine. Never got into those endless imaginary games though. That's what other children are for ( I have 3) What I did try to do was always be available for a good listen, which can be done whilst sorting laundry and uniforms etc.
They have all turned out to be very well rounded individuals as adults, and have artistic (imaginative) careers. We still communicate well to this day so I don't imagine lack of play did them any harm.
There has been research suggesting that letting kids get a bit bored is essential to help them learn to be self starters.

Honestly, this is one of the main reasons we've stuck at 2. DH and I work full time and I'm just not convinced I could give 3+ children the attention they require/deserve. But at least you're honest, most people make excuses for it. In terms of playing your children will play together, but I would make sure you get time together one on one with them as I think that's important for emotional development and relationship building with parents.