Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Christmas Labour Division

60 replies

CaputApriDefero · 12/12/2021 10:42

Every year I ask for help. Every year I say what needs to be done. Yet, every year-

I end up planning, buying, preparing and cleaning up from Christmas dinner

I buy 95% of the children's gifts, wrap and label them.

I buy everyone else's gifts, including his parents and I write all the cards.

I decorate the tree with the kids.

I make sure everyone has Christmas Eve boxes and stockings and advent calendars and Christmas jumpers that fit

He buys my presents.

I've told him this morning that I'm fed up with the poor labour division and that I've had enough of being the one with all the weight on their shoulders. I'm the stay at home parent because one of our kids has care needs that are pretty high and she spends a lot of time out of school. He's gone off in a sulk because apparently I said it meanly and he's worked hard to fit a kitchen tap over the past two days and I'm just dismissing it. Never mind that the tap has been waiting to be fitted since October. He said I get excited about Christmas and he has to think about all the other stuff. Ok, let's look at that other stuff.
Going to work? Yes. He has to think about that. On a 4-4 shift rotation.

Cooking dinner? No. He does not.

Caring for our oldest child's high needs? No, he doesn't need to think about that on a daily basis, I do.

Housework? No. He doesn't do that unless I lose my absolute shit over things and then I'm the unreasonable one.

Laundry? Lol.

Shopping? He does do this from time to time, but buys bags and bags of unnecessary stuff because it looked good.

All the school admin and meetings (there's a lot of it when you have kids with additional needs in settings that aren't supporting them 😡) ? No. He does not.

All the medical stuff for DD? No. He does not.

DIY? Yes. He does this and we have been renovating the house, but it takes him months to get round to/finish anything at all and HE DOESN'T EVEN PUT HIS FUCKING TOOLS AWAY!!!

But no, sure. HE'S the one overworked and under-appreciated. He works a ten hour shift and comes home and considers himself clocked off of all responsibility, including during his 4 off. Seriously, the outrage on his face sometimes when I ask him to do things, which he will then tackle with all the enthusiasm and dramatics of a teenager. Yet my day starts at 6:30am, ends at around midnight if I'm lucky and I'm drowning in housework, building mess, fucking TOOLS and all the Christmas labour!!

Was IBU to bring up the unfairness of Christmas, given that we both know very well who does every fucking thing around here? Or was it, as he seems to have taken it, a really unfair and bitchy thing to have said to him?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 10:44

Yanbu but he sounds useless
Stop doing all the extra presents and stuff for a start
Wash your clothes and the kids clothes
Cook your own meals
Basically go on strike

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 10:47

Of course it’s not wrong to bring up an unequal division of labour.

Honestly though, if I were him I’d think you were over egging the pudding.
If you don’t have time for Xmas Eve boxes - don’t bloody do them!
How much “planning” does a Xmas dinner take? (the shopping, prep, cleaning - yes)
Labelling the kids’ presents? Why?! Just use different wrapping paper for each.

I wouldn’t base this much needed conversation around Xmas fripperies. The lack of housework year round, for example, is far more important.

Original poster

CaputApriDefero · 12/12/2021 11:17

@Cocomarine

Of course it’s not wrong to bring up an unequal division of labour.

I wouldn’t base this much needed conversation around Xmas fripperies. The lack of housework year round, for example, is far more important.

I knew I'd get one like this

Christmas Eve boxes, because there's a birthday in my house on that day and it was very confusing to little children who were waiting for Santa, so it just became a family tradition

Labelling gifts, because we use brown paper as it's recyclable

Christmas dinner takes a lot of prep in my house, actually. There are usually twelve or more of us and I have various intolerances to cater for, plus I still have my daughter to care for, so there's a lot to do in advance to make sure I can still care for her on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

TeenMinusTests · 12/12/2021 11:27

Doesn't answer the main gripe, but we reuse labels from year to year to save writing them each time.

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 11:30

Right, so just ignore my point that you’d be better off focusing on the long term every day issue of housework than getting distracted by Xmas?

Recyclable brown paper? So just write the name on as you wrap then. There’s that labelling job sorted for you.

Xmas Eve boxes - still your choice. Do them, don’t do them - but if you want to point out the unfair division of labour it’s far more convincing on the things you actually have to do - abc that simply isn’t one.

Xmas dinner planning. I specifically said PLANNING, not prep. OK, so there are intolerances. How does that need planning? Surely you already know from last year what gluten free alternative you’re providing, or whatever?

Don’t go into this conversation quoting all the additional tasks you’ve set yourself that are easily shot down. Focus on what he really should be doing, all the time, not once a year. Like putting his bloody tools away!

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 11:31

Oh and the “12 or more of you” is a choice too. Why have so many to dinner, plus all their intolerances, when you also have your daughter to care for?

FlippityFlippityFlop · 12/12/2021 11:36

I see the excusers are out in force. OP walls is it fair that she does everything while

FlippityFlippityFlop · 12/12/2021 11:39

Posted to soon:
While her DP does nothing - and she basically gets told off for doing everything, and blamed for the status quo.

OP your DP definitely be doing more - not just at Christmas.

youdialwetile · 12/12/2021 11:40

Similar situation here. One thing I take a stand on: he clears up everything after Christmas dinner. I do not lift a finger. It takes him forever but he has to get all the leftovers put away, carve the meat off the bird, set up a pot ready to make stock. I sit on the sofa drinking a little port. X

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/12/2021 11:48

He is being very unreasonable. And it sounds like an all year problem, not one limited to Christmas.

But some of it you can just stop - just don’t buy his parents presents for example, tell him in advance and then just simply don’t buy them.

Valaris · 12/12/2021 11:50

It's called weponised incompetence OP

Original poster

CaputApriDefero · 12/12/2021 11:53

@SickAndTiredAgain

He is being very unreasonable. And it sounds like an all year problem, not one limited to Christmas.

But some of it you can just stop - just don’t buy his parents presents for example, tell him in advance and then just simply don’t buy them.

I did this a couple of years ago, with the result that his parents didn't get gifts or cards and they were crushed. They're nice people and I don't want their feelings hurt. It's really rankled me extra this year because last year was so awful and I told him I was not being his unpaid and unappreciated PA all year, and that he could take some initiative and sort things out himself. He didn't buy a single birthday gift all year, panicked and got into a stress with ME because he hadn't posted anything to his mum in time for her birthday!

OP posts:

Original poster

CaputApriDefero · 12/12/2021 11:57

@Valaris

It's called weponised incompetence OP

I know that's exactly what it is and I'm so tired of having it aimed at me all the fucking time! Like yesterday, I was beyond thrilled to have a kitchen tap finally. We haven't had one since late summer, when he ripped the sink out and seemed to just gloss over the fact that the new one would need connecting. I am so mad that I was happy and grateful to have a working tap in the kitchen- like what the 1920s fuck is this? He does struggle with executive dysfunction but I practically line everything ip and give him daily reminders on what needs to be done and it still takes him months and I AM NOT HIS MOTHER!!!

OP posts:

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 12/12/2021 11:58

Have you considered going back to work and your H being the SAHP?

It sounds like you've done the bulk of the caring for such a long time now you're in need of a switch up.

Just think this time next year, you could be coming home each evening and putting your feet up whilst he juggles childcare and cleaning and Xmas jobs etc; what's good for the goose and all that.

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/12/2021 11:59

I did this a couple of years ago, with the result that his parents didn't get gifts or cards and they were crushed.

You told him in advance and he still didn’t get them anything? And didn’t care? Did he manage to get them before he met you? How absolutely useless.

I’d be tempted to “forget” his presents this year. But that might be a bit passive aggressive of me.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 12:04

Why did you start doing all his presents again?

youdialwetile · 12/12/2021 12:10

Do not buckle about his family gifts. That's another one I passed to DH last year. It also resulted in his siblings getting nothing. I did not get involved but made it clear to family the gifts were "under new management" - i.e. not my fucking problem. This year, he has managed to send gifts.

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 12:57

@FlippityFlippityFlop not excusing him at all. I told the OP that she was right to bring it up. I just also advised her to focus on the more important issues - like his all year round arseholery.

Far from excusing him, based on the subsequent posts, I’d actually recommend divorcing him. I don’t say that lightly. The fuck would I stay married to someone who took his stress out on me for not bothering with his own mother’s birthday.

But if OP wants to have this out with him one step short of divorce, then Xmas isn’t the best example or battleground, in my opinion.

In her OP, she already said that her husband says she gets excited about Xmas. I bet he sees much of her lists of complaints as her own choice - just as I do. Like I said - if Xmas boxes are too much effort, don’t do them. She won’t get anywhere in that argument with him, because he can always say - “but you’re making that work”.

So argue over the important stuff. The irrefutable stuff. Like him not clearing up his damn tools year round.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 12:58

Do less. And as hard as it is, don’t do for his parents etc in terms of gifts.

I wouldn’t do half of what you do.

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 12:59

As for him having executive dysfunction…
Please.
Manages at work though, right?
Or - bless him - does he mask so hard at work that he just can’t hold it together any longer at home?

Weaponised incompetence is exactly right.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 13:00

I do think weaponised incompetence is a thing. But. If he doesn’t want to do all that for Christmas then why should he?

I don’t do it. If I was with someone who wanted to do it, I’d tell them to crack on. (I’d buy my family presents and get a cheap advent calendar from the supermarket and have as many people as I could cope with on Christmas Day.)

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 13:03

Tell him Christmas is cancelled and you will be celebrating the new taps instead...
What a lazy arse..
Yanbu to let rip op.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 13:03

I don’t do cards.

I have a pop up tree.

I don’t do Christmas Eve boxes or the elf on the shelf.

I don’t do Christmas jumpers.

I wouldn’t have too many people for a meal if it was stressing me out.

Wrapping and labelling presents you could share. Or re-use labels. Or have a big sack per child.

Stockings I don’t wrap the presents in and everyone has an initial on theirs so I just bing stuff in as I get it.

There’s no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/12/2021 13:14

@Theremoresefulday

I do think weaponised incompetence is a thing. But. If he doesn’t want to do all that for Christmas then why should he?

I agree in the sense that if DH announced he wanted to do elf on the shelf and Christmas Eve boxes, I’d tell him he was welcome to crack on, but I wouldn’t be happy if I then got whinged at for not helping.

But it sounds like OP is doing the entire Christmas, with the exception of a present for herself. And I’d bet her DH would complain if there was no Christmas dinner for example.

maddening · 12/12/2021 13:22

Do you both work?

Flip

1 2 3