Christmas Labour Division

[CaputApriDefero]

Every year I ask for help. Every year I say what needs to be done. Yet, every year-

I end up planning, buying, preparing and cleaning up from Christmas dinner

I buy 95% of the children's gifts, wrap and label them.

I buy everyone else's gifts, including his parents and I write all the cards.

I decorate the tree with the kids.

I make sure everyone has Christmas Eve boxes and stockings and advent calendars and Christmas jumpers that fit

He buys my presents.

I've told him this morning that I'm fed up with the poor labour division and that I've had enough of being the one with all the weight on their shoulders. I'm the stay at home parent because one of our kids has care needs that are pretty high and she spends a lot of time out of school. He's gone off in a sulk because apparently I said it meanly and he's worked hard to fit a kitchen tap over the past two days and I'm just dismissing it. Never mind that the tap has been waiting to be fitted since October. He said I get excited about Christmas and he has to think about all the other stuff. Ok, let's look at that other stuff.
Going to work? Yes. He has to think about that. On a 4-4 shift rotation.

Cooking dinner? No. He does not.

Caring for our oldest child's high needs? No, he doesn't need to think about that on a daily basis, I do.

Housework? No. He doesn't do that unless I lose my absolute shit over things and then I'm the unreasonable one.

Laundry? Lol.

Shopping? He does do this from time to time, but buys bags and bags of unnecessary stuff because it looked good.

All the school admin and meetings (there's a lot of it when you have kids with additional needs in settings that aren't supporting them 😡) ? No. He does not.

All the medical stuff for DD? No. He does not.

DIY? Yes. He does this and we have been renovating the house, but it takes him months to get round to/finish anything at all and HE DOESN'T EVEN PUT HIS FUCKING TOOLS AWAY!!!

But no, sure. HE'S the one overworked and under-appreciated. He works a ten hour shift and comes home and considers himself clocked off of all responsibility, including during his 4 off. Seriously, the outrage on his face sometimes when I ask him to do things, which he will then tackle with all the enthusiasm and dramatics of a teenager. Yet my day starts at 6:30am, ends at around midnight if I'm lucky and I'm drowning in housework, building mess, fucking TOOLS and all the Christmas labour!!

Was IBU to bring up the unfairness of Christmas, given that we both know very well who does every fucking thing around here? Or was it, as he seems to have taken it, a really unfair and bitchy thing to have said to him?

@Cocomarine

As for him having executive dysfunction… Please. Manages at work though, right? Or - bless him - does he mask so hard at work that he just can’t hold it together any longer at home?

Weaponised incompetence is exactly right.

Genuinely diagnosed with a condition and has been for years. Has struggled a lot with work and has several reasonable adjustments in place for paperwork sides of it, but most of it is practical stuff that he knows back to front and never changes. It's really a problem, and although I don't want to talk about his condition, I really don't want that to excuse him his fair share around the house, because for work he had to learn and discuss adjustments that suited him. At home it seems to be, leave it all to Caput and that's my reasonable adjustment. Except it isn't reasonable at all! And I give him reminders, I've set up reminders on Alexa for him, I have everything written down that needs to happen and when, and what I'd like him to be responsible for, but I have to be practically kicking his arse into touch every ten minutes if it's something he doesn't want to do. Yes, as people have argued with me before, it's probably a lot to do with the way his brain works, but fucking hell- do I love every task I do? No i damn well do not, but I get on with them because they need to be done! It fucks me off so much sometimes that he can just say "yeah, but I don't enjoy it so i can't pay attention to it." I bet any fucking money if the stakes were like "if it's not done, your car will be crushed" instead of "your wife will be the one left struggling with everything" his minor task would be accomplished, polished and submitted ahead of the deadline

@Theremoresefulday

I don’t do cards.

I have a pop up tree.

I don’t do Christmas Eve boxes or the elf on the shelf.

I don’t do Christmas jumpers.

I wouldn’t have too many people for a meal if it was stressing me out.

Wrapping and labelling presents you could share. Or re-use labels. Or have a big sack per child.

Stockings I don’t wrap the presents in and everyone has an initial on theirs so I just bing stuff in as I get it.

There’s no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

That's you.

Our Christmases are different. This is what we do. He'd be the first to complain and mourn the lack of anything I discarded from that list.

Just stop.

@maddening

Do you both work?

If you read the OP, you'll see he works a 4-4 shift and I do round the clock care for our disabled child. So although the government doesn't class us as both working, I do very much work without any days off and and get a glittering £67 a week for my efforts.

@Theremoresefulday

Just stop.

Stop what? Christmas?

If he complains, let him pick it up and do it.

No one can force you to do it. Just stop.

Yes. All the stuff that you aren’t coping with. The boxes. The dinner for all kinds of people. The cards. The faff with the tree. Just. Stop.

Christmas just is last straw here, ideally in your working week you both need a clear day off. He seems to have 4 days off every 8 days with no outside work , no cooking or shopping or cleaning or laundry. You on other hand never get a day off ever. That needs to change if he can’t do the caring for daughter then he need bloody well pick up every other task on the days he is not working. He is an adult he need to do this stuff if he lived alone.

It’s lame to say I can’t function at home when the result is the other partner is downing. Does he realise if you split up he have to all domestic care for himself and look after your daughter on his days off?

I’d be considering cancelling Xmas meal or getting everyone else to being the food pre prepared, just because you have managed in passes without keeling over does not mean you can carry on doing so. He 100% should be doing washing up if you don’t cook Xmas day you wash up. Ditto any guests staying with 12 of you get someone else to give a hand. I stay with family I don’t expect to waiting on hand n foot we all chip in so everyone can then relax faster after.

He said I get excited about Christmas and he has to think about all the other stuff

Have you asked him exactly what it is he thinks he does? Is he under the impression that his job and a bit of half hearted DIY each quarter is enough?

Seems we do agree @ I wasn’t saying there’s no such thing as executive dysfunction. Just that there’s a line where it just becomes a bollocks excuse that he’s lazily hiding behind. Like you say - you are not his reasonable adjustment, and he’d manage the dull shit if it stopped his car getting crushed 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re not wrong about Xmas being unfair - but I still maintain that it’s not your strongest argument.

To be honest if you are a sahp your job is looking after the children and running the house, so the week to week chores I wouldn't be getting het up about. All of those things you do, those of us who work have to do too, you don't work so that's your contribution to the household, why should you do 50% of household and he does 50% of household plus 100% of work? Yes he should do some house stuff when he's at home but not as much as you and when he's home he should be doing things with the children.
A lot of the other stuff is a nonsense, Christmas Eve boxes, stockings etc are surely just in the loft from last year? Planning Christmas dinner how is that anything other than writing a standard grocery list including a roast and pudding?
Wrapping do it together one evening when the DC are in bed. I really don't understand people who get so worked up about Christmas. If he struggles to remember tasks because of his ND you sit together pre Christmas and write a list, out it on the fridge or wherever and in each block of off days he has he ticks off a set number of tasks. Eg DH plus our outside lights up because I have no head for heights, similarly he gets into the loft to get the decorations, stockings etc. He gets the tree(or we go together) I decorate it. You do seem to be making a mountain from a molehill.

Have you read the thread? She’s a full time carer up at 630 doesn’t stop till midnight evey single day. She not sitting at home doing nothing all day for large stretches of time. Even if she was having 40 h a week with feet up he’s also having 4 full days a week with no work or housework. It doesn’t rel solve him of all adult function.

@Akire which is why I said he should be doing things with the children and some chores on his off days. Christmas needn't be such an exaggerated faff

You've made a rod for your own back Op. You do everything and when people on here have said do less etc you've argued every single point. He should do more but you've enabled his lack of ability to do so and are continuing to line up hundreds of jobs and then continually complaining. If you just want to vent on here thats fine but nothing will change if you don't help to change it. Also why are you hosting for 12 awkward people year after year? Can't you all take it in turns to host?? No doubt you'll have a come back for that too but thought I'd throw it out there as a suggestion.

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

To be honest if you are a sahp your job is looking after the children and running the house, so the week to week chores I wouldn't be getting het up about. All of those things you do, those of us who work have to do too, you don't work so that's your contribution to the household, why should you do 50% of household and he does 50% of household plus 100% of work? Yes he should do some house stuff when he's at home but not as much as you and when he's home he should be doing things with the children. A lot of the other stuff is a nonsense, Christmas Eve boxes, stockings etc are surely just in the loft from last year? Planning Christmas dinner how is that anything other than writing a standard grocery list including a roast and pudding? Wrapping do it together one evening when the DC are in bed. I really don't understand people who get so worked up about Christmas. If he struggles to remember tasks because of his ND you sit together pre Christmas and write a list, out it on the fridge or wherever and in each block of off days he has he ticks off a set number of tasks. Eg DH plus our outside lights up because I have no head for heights, similarly he gets into the loft to get the decorations, stockings etc. He gets the tree(or we go together) I decorate it. You do seem to be making a mountain from a molehill.

Jesus H fucking Christ.

I am ALWAYS working. There isn't enough time in the day with my daughter's care needs to do all the day to day stuff that needs doing. I haven't asked him for 50/50!! I've asked for some assistance. I get less time to myself than any other person I know, save for other parent carers. My husband cannot do what I do. He falls to pieces within three hours if I leave him to get on with it. So don't SAHP me. I'm not sitting here watching Phil and Holly and sipping lattes, idly wondering what to do with my next free hour. I'm helping my daughter to wash, dress, eat, do her schoolwork, supporting her through medical crises, and yeah- looking after my other two children, both of whom are ND like their father. Sometimes I have to go into the toilet in the middle of the day just to burst into tears of sheer exhaustion and frustration. I guess that's my break, huh?

And you can piss off with the "christmas eve boxes and stockings are in the loft aren't they?" nonsense! Fill themselves up with gifts, do they? Take themselves off to the shop and fill themselves up? Or is that yet another task on my list where I have minimal time? I'll leave you to work that one out.

And as for your roast and pudding- have you ever heard of people who have different traditions to your own? Different influences and cultures? Did you miss the bit where Christmas Eve is a birthday in my house, therefore I can't spend that day sorting out the meal for the next day? If I'm not prepared, I miss almost all of Christmas Day between the kitchen and essential caring duties, when I'd rather be with my children for some of it. Basically, if I'm not prepared way ahead of time, I don't really get a Christmas. But if my DH would just damn well step up and pull his weight, I'd have more time and I wouldn't feel like I'm being sucked into quicksand and screaming for help while everyone looks on impassively or tells me they'd have done everything so much better, can't understand what I might need help with, blah blah.

Thanks ever so for your comments. They've made me feel brilliant

@ChangeChingyChange

You've made a rod for your own back Op. You do everything and when people on here have said do less etc you've argued every single point. He should do more but you've enabled his lack of ability to do so and are continuing to line up hundreds of jobs and then continually complaining. If you just want to vent on here thats fine but nothing will change if you don't help to change it. Also why are you hosting for 12 awkward people year after year? Can't you all take it in turns to host?? No doubt you'll have a come back for that too but thought I'd throw it out there as a suggestion.

If I don't do it, he has proven it won't get done

Some of my relatives would be on their own if they weren't invited. And I'm the only one with the space to do it. Not sure if you'll see that as a "comeback" or as a reciprocal part of the dialogue, but it is what it is.

I am so so sick of being told I basically deserve to feel this way.

Seriously. Just stop. You don’t have to do Christmas Eve boxes. You can do as much as you enjoy and stop the rest of it.

If the relatives are on their own they’re on their own. You could break it into bits of that would make it easier and have some on Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day and some Boxing Day. Or other members of their families could have them.

I’ve been done stockings bought generically by age and sex of child when I was having a tough time.

Nobody cared. The only person who is putting all this on you is you.

Get the relatives to bring part of the meal even.

@Theremoresefulday

If the relatives are on their own they’re on their own. You could break it into bits of that would make it easier and have some on Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day and some Boxing Day. Or other members of their families could have them.

I really wish this could happen. The year I suggested it, I got made to feel like the most cold hearted scum. I can't deal with more things to think about and don't want to be the catalyst for a family fall out.

So then stop some of the rest of it.

Stop the Christmas Eve boxes. The kids are surely old enough to understand that they don’t get a gift when it’s someone else’s birthday. If not, this is the time to start teaching them.

You're choosing to do all this OP. So what if people get offended etc etc that's not on you. What did they all do during lockdown etc? I'm sure they managed to feed themselves and enjoy their own birthdays/Christmas etc without you. I think this is just a vent thread which is fine, sounds like you're hugely unhappy with your life and your husband particularly yet do not want to change anything. Not sure what else any of us can say. Personally I'd go back to work and let him get on with it, he'll learn to cope won't he if you're physically not there? Sounds like you mother him too much- ND or not he's still an adult with a family and the ability to work so he'd be fine.

God these threads are ever ending and so boring.

I'm sorry you chose such an incompetent moron to have your kids with.

By all means post your woes online for support and advice but ultimately nothing will change unless you change.

"I am so so sick of being told I basically deserve to feel this way."

But it is your choice. Its a crap choice and a choice between 2 bad feelings but it's a choice nonetheless. You are CHOOSING to feel this way because you don't want to feel this way:
"The year I suggested it, I got made to feel like the most cold hearted scum. I can't deal with more things to think about and don't want to be the catalyst for a family fall out."

Most of us have to do the same and choose the other option. I don't like feeling guilty for not doing mental work for my husband but I dislike it a lot less than being burnt out doing it all by myself and resenting him.