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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please come and tell me how unreasonable I’m being - taken aback now that best friend is expecting a baby

44 replies

Shimmylikejoanholloway · 11/12/2021 20:57

I need to give my head a wobble as I’m being a complete dick, so AIBU seems the place to do it.

I have a male best friend of 25+ years. Nothing between us apart from a brilliant platonic friendship. I’m not close to my own brother and he sort of filled that void.

He has been mainly single over the years, few flings one almost serious relationship but didn’t work out. He met someone before lockdown number one and although he wanted to keep it quiet, they had a bit of a whirlwind and moved in together for lockdown. She is absolutely lovely, perfect for him. He’s so so happy and I’ve been thrilled for him.

I’ve just found out she is pregnant and they are expecting a baby next year. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m feeling almost put out by it.

I’ve got a DS and a fantastic DH and I adore both of them. DH and I have been talking about TTC a second but I’ve been a bit on the fence about it because pregnancy is rough for me and I’ve had a lot of complications in the past, plus all the unknowns of Covid. I don’t know if it’s that.

Or if subconsciously I’m weirdly jealous? Or doing that thing where maybe I saw him as some kind of back up plan?! I would swear blind that’s not it because I’m really happy with DH, and I’ve been so happy for friend and his girlfriend.

But I’m really really grumpy about it. Obviously not to his face, that would be awful.

Can you please give me a virtual smack around the head and tell me what a horrible friend I’m being?

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 11/12/2021 21:01

Well, I'd say your subconscious thinks he's 'yours' and this is the first time in over 25 years, that balance has properly been challenged. Have a wee sulk, cry, let yourself feel it, then get on with being the best auntie ever

Thistooshallpsss · 11/12/2021 21:02

I would say this news has sent you a message of some sort about your own life. Don’t beat yourself up I’m sure you are lovely to your friend but maybe have a look inside to see what this uncomfortable emotion is telling you. Good luck.

Player001 · 11/12/2021 21:03

You feel unsettled because of the changes coming. It's normal but you will lose your best friend if you allow these feelings to consume you.

Porcupineintherough · 11/12/2021 21:05

@Teacupsandtoast

Well, I'd say your subconscious thinks he's 'yours' and this is the first time in over 25 years, that balance has properly been challenged. Have a wee sulk, cry, let yourself feel it, then get on with being the best auntie ever
Teacups is very wise
Lussekatt · 11/12/2021 21:05

Well, I'd say your subconscious thinks he's 'yours' and this is the first time in over 25 years, that balance has properly been challenged

My first thought too.

Amberflames · 11/12/2021 21:06

OP it could be nothing to do with your feelings about him but just feeling unsettled that this is a big change and will impact the dynamics of your friendship. He’ll no longer be such a readily available friend to you due to family commitments.

llanfairfechan · 11/12/2021 21:07

Teacups has it spot on.

HTH1 · 11/12/2021 21:11

Definitely territorial. But not fair to your friend, so you should get over it and welcome the baby.

Original poster
Shimmylikejoanholloway · 11/12/2021 21:11

You’re all being far kinder than I probably deserve.
I’m also wondering if part of it is how happily joyful they are about it - not to drip feed but I have terrible anxiety when pregnant due to a really horrendous loss (I had PTSD over it) and can’t enjoy pregnancy because of it. I’m never joyful about it I basically spend nine months thinking everything and anything is going to go wrong and can’t bring myself to buy things etc which is what they are doing.
But I also don’t really feel like it’s that.

Maybe it’s a mix of change and subconsciously thinking of him as “mine” like some posters have said. I mean I don’t think I do as I’ve been really happy for him, but then if it’s subconscious I might not realise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shimmylikejoanholloway · 11/12/2021 21:12

Oh don’t worry I wouldn’t dream of being horrible in any way to him or his girlfriend about it. I will definitely get over it I’m just annoyed with myself for feeling this way.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2021 21:15

I don't think its necessarily a territorial thing. I've felt like that with some friends and even when my sibling was expecting a baby. In my case I just knew I was going to lose them for a while, my friends and family are spread all over the place and it would make nights out, weekend visits, all that kind of thing much harder. I still felt the same about them I just knew that logistically our friendships were going to be a lot harder for a few years

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2021 21:20

As you like her and are happy they’re rivet get, it might well be that you envy the idea of an easy conception and an optimistic healthy pregnancy.

I’m discussing ttc again and knowing how stressful another pregnancy might be for you and DH it’s probably all a bit too close to the surface and this has tipped you over the edge.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2021 21:20

*together

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2021 21:21

*in discussing

Ffs. Sorry. Awful typing. I’m certainly not ttc again!

notanothertakeaway · 11/12/2021 21:25

@Teacupsandtoast

Well, I'd say your subconscious thinks he's 'yours' and this is the first time in over 25 years, that balance has properly been challenged. Have a wee sulk, cry, let yourself feel it, then get on with being the best auntie ever
Yes I would think on some level, you've always thought that he could be a back up if required, and it put your nose out of joint to realise he's moved on
Viviennemary · 11/12/2021 21:37

Sounds likd you'd rather it was you expecting the baby with this bf. But you can't admit it to yourself even. That would be my take on thd situation.

tallduckandhandsome · 11/12/2021 21:42

I think it’s quite healthy that you can acknowledge your feelings in this way, and as you say, I doubt you would let on how you’ve been feeling.

Just because he’s your best friend doesn’t mean you have to bear all the pregnancy talk. It’s ok to distance yourself a bit.

Thymeout · 11/12/2021 21:56

I think there are sils who feel the same about their brothers. Not at all in a sexual way. Just that there's now another woman in his life who takes precedence over them. The baby means that it's likely to be a more permanent change.

Op, you'll adjust. Think of it not as losing a brother but gaining a niece/nephew.

Lussekatt · 11/12/2021 22:22

@Viviennemary

Sounds likd you'd rather it was you expecting the baby with this bf. But you can't admit it to yourself even. That would be my take on thd situation.
No, it doesn't. She isn't in love with her best friend, but she has been the most important non-related woman in his life up until this point and it has shook her a bit. It's pretty normal, especially after a quarter of a century, to be a bit rattled when things change in such a huge way. She is still very important to this man but she is the second most important non-related woman now and not the first. He was probably in the same boat when OP met her husband and things got serious between them!
LittleDandelionClock · 11/12/2021 22:30

Ooooh, I feel a romcom script coming on.! Grin

Seriously tho @Shimmylikejoanholloway the posters are right, especially @Teacupsandtoast

Well, I'd say your subconscious thinks he's 'yours' and this is the first time in over 25 years, that balance has properly been challenged. Have a wee sulk, cry, let yourself feel it, then get on with being the best auntie ever.

This also feels a bit like My Best Friends Wedding (a bit!)

By the way Shimmylikejoanholloway, do NOT tell your husband! Imagine how you would feel if he told you he was upset and jealous about a female friend having a baby with another man!

What you are feeling may be harmless but it will be really hurtful if he knows, and it really won't look good at all!

Teacupsandtoast · 11/12/2021 22:44

Think this is the first time I've been wise on MN 😂 OP, I think your traumatic loss/pregnancies will be making you feel all out of kilter about this as well - your lovely friend, and his ever so perfect girlfriend, having an ever so perfect love story/pregnancy is definitely enough to raise a touch of jealousy, or why them and not me' feelings....or feelings that are too complex to put a label on. Gently wobbling your head for you, but don't be too hard on yourself

mistermagpie · 11/12/2021 22:51

A big change in a close friends life can be unsettling for lots of reasons - maybe it holds a mirror up to your life, maybe you worry that the dynamic of the relationship will change, maybe you're a bit jealous for some reason etc etc etc. I think it's pretty normal actually. I've often felt a bit that way with friends pregnancies, no idea why - I have three children of my own - but I think it's something to do with them starting a journey and having all these new experiences and 'firsts' that I will never get to have again. Plus the fact that even with the best of intentions, our friendship will be impacted, at least in the short term.

Don't feel bad, the fact that you are recognising these feelings in yourself is a good thing and I expect it's something that will pass.

Thegreencup · 11/12/2021 22:52

Plenty of women have similar wobbles when their female friends are expecting. It's just about realising they're at a different stage to you and have something you don't right now. It has been quick if they only started going out in 2020. So there's probably an element of surprise too. Then your own feelings and experiences of pregnancy all mixed up in it too.

Saracen · 11/12/2021 22:53

Could it be because you know he is definitely going to have far less time for you? His new partner took some of his time. The baby is going to take ALL his time and attention. Will he have time to meet up in the pub? Will he be there if you are upset and you need a long chat on the phone?

I'd be a bit anxious about a best friend having a baby, whether the friend was male or female. Which would be totally unreasonable of me if I already had a baby, but I'd still feel that way.

Mara263 · 11/12/2021 23:00

@Shimmylikejoanholloway

You’re all being far kinder than I probably deserve. I’m also wondering if part of it is how happily joyful they are about it - not to drip feed but I have terrible anxiety when pregnant due to a really horrendous loss (I had PTSD over it) and can’t enjoy pregnancy because of it. I’m never joyful about it I basically spend nine months thinking everything and anything is going to go wrong and can’t bring myself to buy things etc which is what they are doing. But I also don’t really feel like it’s that.

Maybe it’s a mix of change and subconsciously thinking of him as “mine” like some posters have said. I mean I don’t think I do as I’ve been really happy for him, but then if it’s subconscious I might not realise.

I’m a bit like this too - whoever it is

I had multiple traumatic losses and find pregnancy/TTC really hard. I’ve got two beautiful children now but I still find it really hard to be found people who are having babies, especially if it’s their first. I think because I feel like I had the kind of naive magic taken out of pregnancy. The only thing I find is that I just have to get over it because it’s my problem, not theirs. I don’t go to baby showers in general but will still see people and make the effort and end up being happy for them. Maybe you’ll feel different when the baby is here. Don’t beat yourself up 🤍