Please come and tell me how unreasonable I’m being - taken aback now that best friend is expecting a baby

[Shimmylikejoanholloway]

I need to give my head a wobble as I’m being a complete dick, so AIBU seems the place to do it.

I have a male best friend of 25+ years. Nothing between us apart from a brilliant platonic friendship. I’m not close to my own brother and he sort of filled that void.

He has been mainly single over the years, few flings one almost serious relationship but didn’t work out. He met someone before lockdown number one and although he wanted to keep it quiet, they had a bit of a whirlwind and moved in together for lockdown. She is absolutely lovely, perfect for him. He’s so so happy and I’ve been thrilled for him.

I’ve just found out she is pregnant and they are expecting a baby next year. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m feeling almost put out by it.

I’ve got a DS and a fantastic DH and I adore both of them. DH and I have been talking about TTC a second but I’ve been a bit on the fence about it because pregnancy is rough for me and I’ve had a lot of complications in the past, plus all the unknowns of Covid. I don’t know if it’s that.

Or if subconsciously I’m weirdly jealous? Or doing that thing where maybe I saw him as some kind of back up plan?! I would swear blind that’s not it because I’m really happy with DH, and I’ve been so happy for friend and his girlfriend.

But I’m really really grumpy about it. Obviously not to his face, that would be awful.

Can you please give me a virtual smack around the head and tell me what a horrible friend I’m being?

Definitely not a romcom, definitely don’t wish I was having the baby with him, boak. Like I said, he’s like a brother as well as a friend to me and there’s no secret yearnings there trust me.

Really interesting other people have felt the same, and I would feel the same if he were female, so it’s more about the friendship changing I think. And maybe a bit of jealousy over their blissful joy, not even thinking something could go wrong.

It’s also making me think more about number 2 potentially which is making me feel a bit panicky so I think it’s probably a mixture of things.

Thanks for being kind to me and for all your helpful posts. Hopefully I’ll snap out of it with a bit of time, and even though the dynamic will change it’s going to be for a lovely reason. This is all he’s wanted for years so I am genuinely delighted for him as well as feeling a bit off and grumpy if that’s possible!

@Mara263 sorry didn’t see your post. I think this might be exactly it. I feel a bit tearful almost and it’s making me think of my pregnancy with DS at the stage they are at and I wasn’t happy at all, I was sick to my stomach with terror to be honest. I didn’t buy anything until the week before I ended up having him, I refused to have a baby shower because I thought it would jinx it.
And I know once baby arrives I will be so so thrilled for them and so excited to meet the little one, but I just feel a bit mixed up at the moment.
I’ll just make sure they aren’t aware of it as it’s not about me!

@Shimmylikejoanholloway you sound like a really good person 💙 it’s so hard but I’m sure you’ll get through it and then maybe you and your friend will be even closer as you’ll have parenting stuff to bond over when baby is here?

I always feel weird, and a bit jealous, when friends and siblings go through big life events like this. It's just life and relationships changing. And where you can see your own life about to change, you can't guess when other people are about to rock your nice safe boat and it takes a while to feel steady again.

Maybe this signals a shift in his life to a degree that dating or even moving in with someone did not? I don't think you are being horrible but that he will not been as available to you as he was previously.

Ah thanks @Mara263 what a lovely thing to say

@SmellyOldOwls I’m glad it’s not just me a few posters have said the same.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers yes I imagine there’s probably a bit of that - he’s been a constant in my life for a long time and although he still will be, he’s not going to have as much time now, for a lovely reason obviously

I was very unsettled when one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. I have no idea why, at the time I wasn't into having kids, was so happy for her a couple of years previously and we didn't even live near each other so that a baby would get in the way of us seeing each other.

It's been several years now, she's had another, other friends have had kids and I've never had that feeling since.

I can only put it down to her being the first out of all of my friends to be pregnant, maybe I felt like it was a sign we were all growing up and I didn't want to. I was 24/25 or something at the time so thankfully old enough to keep my feelings to myself and they went away. My friend never knew and we still remain friends now.

Maybe you are feeling the shock of such a big change in your life too? You perhaps subconsciously expected you to be his priority and a baby means you aren't.

Feelings are weird, just keep them quiet from him and I'm sure they will disappear soon enough once you are used to the idea.

Oh love don’t go beating yourself up for this, there is nothing wrong with having feelings, you’re human! You’re clearly a lovely person to feel bad about it even though you shouldn’t as others have said, suspect a combination of a big change and perhaps that the relationship you had will no longer be quite the same, he’ll have different priorities. It’s healthy to think these things through but try and accept them as feelings, they are legitimate and normal and not to be concerned about. As long as you don’t feel the need to act on them (which you don’t!) then nothing to worry about

I'm glad people have been nice to you because you can't help how you feel. Have you ever had any therapy around your loss? I had a traumatic birth and for a long while there i simply couldn't cope with people around me being pregnant and having babies, getting to experience things that i felt were taken from me - like easy pregnancy, natural birth, breastfeeding. Ie. The experience that society tells you you will have. When your experience differs from that "ideal" it can be very very hard to cope with. I had a lot of CBT and EMDR and now i have managed to move past it. It'll always be with me but now a pregnancy announcement from a close friend or relative doesnt affect me the way it did before.

Please be kind to yourself. You're not choosing to feel this way.

Children do change things so you are probably worrying about changing dynamics and wondering where you are going to slot into his life now.

We had a similar situation from the other perspective. When I got together with my partner he had a very close platonic female friend who was absolutely lovely. But as we became more serious she just gradually sort of withdrew from his life. We were both upset because one day she just stopped communicating with him - now we haven't heard anything from her in about 18 months and she has declined an invitation to our wedding, with no explanation as to why.

He is really upset and confused, and me too as I never had any kind of issue with them being friends at all, I thought she was very good for him. But we have assumed she's feeling something similar to what you describe and can't get past the changing dynamic with me now in the picture.

So I suppose I'm saying that I hope this does not end your friendship and that you do find a way to get past it and stay in his life. Good friends are rare so you need to hang onto them.

Maybe it’s a mix of change and subconsciously thinking of him as “mine” like some posters have said. I mean I don’t think I do as I’ve been really happy for him, but then if it’s subconscious I might not realise

You can be both. Happy for him but grieving for the loss of a part of your friendship. He is less "yours" than he used to be when he was single. So you need to adapt and find a way to be OK with that whilst still being a part of his life. After a 25 year friendship I expect he will also be devastated if you disappear like my partner's friend did - so do please try to accept the change and find a way :)

I wonder if you’re upset as you realise his priority will no longer be you.

I felt a bit like this when my actual brother announced his wife's pregnancy. It is the changing dynamic - a huge part of him was now opened up and I wasn't included. I got over myself pretty quickly but it was odd.

This sort of thing changes the dynamic of a friendship and can feel unsettling. I had a male friend like this and it felt odd for a while when he got into a relationship and some of ‘our’ things didn’t happen anymore. Got used to it though, and concentrated on being happy for him, which worked. Own your feelings; they’re fine.

@Shimmylikejoanholloway

You’re all being far kinder than I probably deserve. I’m also wondering if part of it is how happily joyful they are about it - not to drip feed but I have terrible anxiety when pregnant due to a really horrendous loss (I had PTSD over it) and can’t enjoy pregnancy because of it. I’m never joyful about it I basically spend nine months thinking everything and anything is going to go wrong and can’t bring myself to buy things etc which is what they are doing. But I also don’t really feel like it’s that.

Maybe it’s a mix of change and subconsciously thinking of him as “mine” like some posters have said. I mean I don’t think I do as I’ve been really happy for him, but then if it’s subconscious I might not realise.

I really resonate with this. I was the same with super anxiety when pregnant wouldn't buy anything else and couldn't relax and be happy. And I found myself jealous or incredulous that others were so happy and relaxed and excited. I was jealous I couldn't be and cross at others for doing what normal people do because I couldn't. It's a strong emotion, I get you.

Plus as others have said perhaps it's the big change too. But you sound very self aware and lovely! X

Ah thank you.

@Ginfilledcats it’s rubbish isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong I was very grateful to be pregnant but I still feel jealous when I see people posting bump pictures on facebook etc because I never would have dared!

He’s messaged this morning to say sorry if he’s been a bit all baby talk, he’s just really excited and really excited to be able to talk to me about baby/parenting stuff now. So I now I feel even meaner!

I’m sure it will work itself out though. Thanks for all the kind words!

I think you are jealous of the "easy" pregnancy that you can't have due to a previous loss. The fact he is a man is a red herring. How do you feel if other female friends get pregnant at the moment? It's ok to need some space, things will get back on an even keel.

Sorry I misread your post- previous difficulties in pregnancy. Look after yourself, it's ok to have thoughts that seem "mean" sometimes!

You’re right, I had a previous loss and then complications in my successful pregnancy.
I’ve been thinking about it and I would feel the same if he was a female friend.
We are supposed to be seeing them at Christmas, we are going to stay with them for a bit, so hopefully I’ll be feeling better about it by then.
They both adore DS and make such a fuss of him, which is lovely, and I’m hoping seeing them in person will make it easier.
Of course it could make me feel ten times worse but there will be wine!