Equal gifts

[Lushplease]

Aibu to think when buying gifts for your grown up children you would spend the same on their partner/spouse?
I know my dm has spent over £100 on me made up of 4 wrapped gifts (she's basically told me what she's bought me).
My partner of 15years is to be given a 'mild deodorant' version of an old aftershave that cost £15.
She will be coming to us for lunch.
Aibu to feel embarrassed?
Would I be unreasonable to buy something else for him and pretend it's from her?
( and hope he didn't say "Thanks for X" whilst mother looks on perplexed and says she doesn't know what he's talking about).

It depends, will you also be spending £100 each on your mum and dad?

I don't expect her to spend £100 on him but I don't want her to spend that on me either.
I'd rather we both had a £10 gift each so long as it looks more fair.

I treat Mum and Dad equally.
I spend £50 on each.

I think his gift sounds completely crap, but no, I wouldn't expect that it is required you buy the same level of gifts for both.

Yabu.
I mean I like my daughters partner well enough but he isn't one of my children. Your mum isn't obliged to spend as much on him at all.

I think it's fine, mil spends 100 ish on DH, buts it's her son, her choice. I have more modest gifts from her but it doesn't bother me at all. Is it likely to bother your husband?

I wouldn’t be bothered about this. Your husband is not their son, it’s up to them how they spend their money.

@Lushplease

I treat Mum and Dad equally. I spend £50 on each.

So suggest she spends £50 on you and £50 him?

You can’t expect her to spend £100 on him.

I don't even necessarily spend as much money on each grown kid. I try to get them things they like or need. One kid really likes thoughtful homemade gifts so I will spend hours on that, the other one likes new clothes and goofy kids toys like spinning tops. I am likely to spend different amounts on my own kids this year.

I would expect at defend f gift for longer term partners yes!!.
Absolutely!!

Er no, you're her dc, not him

Both sets of our parents spend less on the other one that's not their child, never thought too much about it!

MiL used to get DH a nice gift. DC used to get cheap rubbish & if I got anything at all it was either rubbish or a regift.

My mum would spend less on DH than me but would be thoughtful. Once we had DC I suggested nothing or just a token gift for us & would rather she treated the dc.

Neither MiL or mum would spend Xmas with us.

Our parents treat us equally and we treat them equally. Mine do nothing, with his I worked up to equal spend after a few years. So, yes, I would be embarrassed. But, what can you do? Ask your mum to hold the extra aside?

YABU - unless your partner gets both your parents expensive gifts as well?

No I wouldn’t expect the same. You are their child, they are not

No I'd spend more on my DC.
Your parents are of equal importance to you.
The DC spouse/partner aren't in the vast majority of cases.

Also would you be satisfied if he got a £30 gift?
IMO she should put ‘some’ thought into his gift not just Chuck some deodorant at him. but it’s fine if you get extra.
DP’s paren are getting him some £200 headphones I’d never expect the same.

Deodorant is a rubbish gift but it’s not for you to try to make it better by pretending she’s bought more- that helps no one and could backfire spectacularly.

If it bothers you, you could speak to her. But actually in your shoes I’d do nothing and just have a giggle with my partner afterwards about it.

This is all shades of crazy.
The calculating of costs of presents from adults to other adults is ridiculous
Far better to agree no presents and just enjoy - or suffer - each other’s company at lunch

I spend the same on my two daughters and one husband, my late MIL used to give us a well stuffed envelope and a small, consumable gift each.

PS I certainly wouldn’t expect her to spend the same on you both.

I tend to get my DD and her DP a joint present. Either something they want for the house or an experience, and my DD gets a stocking too. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with the difference you've described.

Not necessarily, no. I'm pretty sure my parents always gave more to me and my sisters than to our husband and nobody thought anything of it. Given that it was always me shopping for gifts for my parents and not my husband, I thought that was fair enough. My ILs didn't do presents at all. These days my sisters and I spend more on each other than each others husbands my mutual agreement. Again, we're the ones doing the shopping. I think that's pretty common, no?

I'd expect you to get more from your own parents than they gift to your DH, but I'd also expect your DH to get a "nice" gift or a couple of gifts from them rather than one Boots 3-for-2 type thing if the budget for you is £100. Maybe £40-60 to your £100, whereas that sounds more like £15.