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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Equal gifts

47 replies

Lushplease · 11/12/2021 18:32

Aibu to think when buying gifts for your grown up children you would spend the same on their partner/spouse?
I know my dm has spent over £100 on me made up of 4 wrapped gifts (she's basically told me what she's bought me).
My partner of 15years is to be given a 'mild deodorant' version of an old aftershave that cost £15.
She will be coming to us for lunch.
Aibu to feel embarrassed?
Would I be unreasonable to buy something else for him and pretend it's from her?
( and hope he didn't say "Thanks for X" whilst mother looks on perplexed and says she doesn't know what he's talking about).

OP posts:
Restart10 · 11/12/2021 18:55

Yabu. Are you seriously asking if your dh is equal to them. He is lucky to even get a gift imo.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2021 18:55

I'm afraid Yabu. What they do is completely normal. More on your own child, token for their spouse.

SSOYS · 11/12/2021 18:55

Just reread the OP and actually it’s not a bad gift at all- I skimmed and thought it was just a can of right guard or something.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 11/12/2021 18:56

My mum spends far more on me than she does on DH. I’m her child, he isn’t. He would never expect the same amount. Equally, his parents spend more on him than on me.
My dad tends to get us a joint ‘experience’ so it’s equal.

Kummerspeck · 11/12/2021 18:56

I spend similar on DCs partners to on them, maybe not always exactly the same but never noticeably less. I would be embarrassed to give them anything that could make them feel hurt or not valued by us as parents in law

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2021 18:59

I'm pleased to say though that none of the adults in my family would notice who spent what on whom. It isn't important. I think the last time I got out the Argos catalogue to tot up who got what and how much it cost, I was about 10.

Waspsarearseholes · 11/12/2021 19:01

I wouldn't expect my in-laws to spend the same on me as they do my husband. I'm grateful for what they do give me. I think my parents spend similar amounts on my husband and me but they always ask for a list and get something from that so they know it's going to be something we want/need/will like.

woodhill · 11/12/2021 19:02

No not at all, I spend less on my dds OHs

Why would you

gogohm · 11/12/2021 19:04

My mum always did, ish at least because I had been together with exh for 27 years before we split. She gives a nominal gift to my now dp but she doesn't know him well (partly due to covid) I but presents for my family, he for his, works out better

Blush21 · 11/12/2021 19:08

My mother doesn’t spend quality amounts on my DP but will make an effort with a gift that’s a decent price and even does him a small stocking. I would be miffed if my mother bought my DP something he wouldn’t use or cheap etc. but she always asked what he would like. This year new PJs and slippers etc

Snowmanuel · 11/12/2021 19:10

I thought you meant there was disparity between what your mum spent on your partner and your sibling’s partner. That would be unreasonable.

What you’re actually asking… you’re unreasonable I’m afraid.

hiredandsqueak · 11/12/2021 19:28

Df never spent the same on his children's spouses as he did his children. Dfil spent more on me than he did his son (probably because we got on better than he and his son did) I don't spend as much on my children's partners as I do my children either tbh.

Bananarama21 · 11/12/2021 19:37

My df give 50 for everyone in the family for Christmas even partners personally I wouldn't be spending the same on my dil or sil as I would my own children but that's me.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 11/12/2021 19:40

He needs some half decent gifts op!! She doesn't need to spend the same but at least a bit of thought!! When dd had only been with her bf a few months he came to us for the whole of Christmas.. We all bought nice things! Wouldn't be able to hand over a crap present!

MindyStClaire · 11/12/2021 19:41

Our parents spend broadly the same on each of us and have for a long time now. My mum sets a budget per person, PIL just buy things they think people will like so there has probably been years they've spent more on me than DH.

Having said that, I think it's fine to spend more on your child than your in-law - but deodorant is a shit present that basically screams "I'm only getting you something because I have to" and I would be hurt if either set of parents did that to either of us.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 11/12/2021 19:42

My grown up DC don’t have partners yet but my DM used to buy my DH and I a similar token present each or a joint present such as some nice wine glasses.
My MIL would also spend equally on us, usually a £25 voucher each and a present such as a candle/pair of gloves.

Uninterested · 11/12/2021 19:50

YABU
I wouldn’t dream of spending the same on my kids partners than I do on my kids. They aren’t my kids. I really like them and I get on well with them but it would feel really weird to buy them anything but token gifts. I often get house presents for my kids though. Things like new bedding. I would give it to my kid though.

JaceLancs · 11/12/2021 20:11

No I wouldn’t expect to spend the same
My DC are 28 and 30 - I spend £150 each on them - I spend £50 on their partners and also buy a few joint presents maybe another £30
I don’t have any GC of my own but if either of my DC is in a relationship with someone who does - I also spend £50 per child

My DM gives £50 in a card to everyone whether you are DC or DGC, DGGC or partner of any

Original poster
Lushplease · 11/12/2021 21:05

It seems the vast majority of you think I'm being unreasonable.

It doesn't help however that my partners parents give us the same cash amount each as a gift every Christmas or a gift card of the same value.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lushplease · 11/12/2021 21:06

I suppose that's their choice.

I need to look at it differently.

OP posts:
Fuss · 11/12/2021 22:05

@Kummerspeck

I spend similar on DCs partners to on them, maybe not always exactly the same but never noticeably less. I would be embarrassed to give them anything that could make them feel hurt or not valued by us as parents in law
Same. I set a budget for stocking filllers for each which is the same for each DC and their partner and then give money to both of them to spend how they wish jointly. They usually purchase something for their house or put it towards a holiday etc.

Id feel awful giving son in law a deoderant whilst daughter got lots of nice presents. He's part of the family.

Loyaultemelie · 12/12/2021 11:59

My DM spends roughly similar on DH sometimes slightly less this year he's coming out in front because there's a new version of something both DH and DF enjoy so they are getting one each

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