or is it all utterly pointless

[deaexmachina]

Honestly I just feel like I’m waiting to die. I don’t want to die just to be clear. I’m not suicidal. I just feel so meh. The few friends I have don’t have time for me. Wider family is unsupportive. Immediate family isn’t interested. I work, wash clothes, provide food repeat repeat. It’s just a treadmill. I’ve had therapy for anxiety and I’ve been referred for an ADHD assessment (I know I have it, it’s a formality, hoping to get meds for it). Just sick of everything. Is this it? Drudgery.

What's your living situation? Alone or do you have a partner and/or children?

Who are you providing food and washing clothes for?

I live with my son who has additional needs and my husband who has more than one chronic illness. I’m providing food and clothes for my son and I. Husband does his own washing and doesn’t eat much.

Do his chronic illnesses prevent him doing your and the DCs washing and cooking?

Sometimes, yes actually. This is really not about DH putting a wash on 🙄

Day to day life can be an awful lot of drudgery and routine, particularly when you have caring responsibilities. Are you able to have time away from the house that you could use to exercise, say?

@WorraLiberty

Who are you providing food and washing clothes for?

Do you not think this is perhaps not the point of the thread?

CrowBones, I walk my dogs and run/cycle/swim with my boy.

Could you join a sports club, introduce a social element to the exercise?

I'm hesitant to give advice per se as I'm not an expert and everyone's lives are so different, but I'm thinking of things that make me feel better when it gets relentless, and sport (particularly team sport) are great for both lifting one's spirit and building friendships.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and I'm sorry that you're feeling ground down.

I feel like this too.
Just upped my antidepressants as for me it's a sign I'm not well.
Have you tried the PHQ9 questionnaire?

I'm less of an activity person and more into creating a haven at home - do you have pleasant spaces purely for some relaxation? Somewhere to see nature through a window, to let the sun in and to perhaps make into a pleasant den for tea and reading? Might sound boring to some but a sanctuary is invigorating to me. It takes time to find pleasure but I personally need headspace away from drudgery to feel like an individual again.

I literally can’t deal with joining a club not only would childcare be a factor but I tend to not fit in very well and it’s really draining meeting lots of new people at once, I can’t follow everything.

usernameshistory yeah I like reading and find colouring helps me to clear my head a bit. But then I’m still pretty bored.

I’m just totally out of spoons.

To use the cup analogy, your cup appears to be empty.

This may or may not be helpful. I'm sorry if it isn't.

www.directionpsychology.com/article/you-cant-pour-from-an-empty-cup/

I'm sorry OP, you sound so unhappy. Can you make a GP appointment?

I have a phone appointment with my GP in a few weeks.

persephone19 The problem with the phq9 is that a lot of it overlaps with features of adhd (sleep etc)

Hi deaexmachina, I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. It may be possible to find something which will reduce the feeling of grinding on waiting for it all to be over. You might like to try this YouTube channel for ideas if you haven’t already come across it.

Jessica who does this channel has ADHD. She’s made loads of other videos and there might be one which is just what you’re looking for.

I hope you get the diagnosis and meds that suit you as I’ve seen that making a huge difference to family members. It didn’t solve everything of course.

People might make suggestions that are working for them but the important thing is finding what your brain enjoys or finds exhausting as I’m sure you know.

By coincidence re colouring (please bear with this slightly off beam thought) I saw Dr John Campbell is possibly giving away his ebook which can be printed off and has loads of diagrams he was suggesting people colour in. It’s about nursing training so diagrams of blood flow round the heart type things. Would colouring something with extra information be worth a try?

My 8 year old has ADHD amongst other things. Life is not easy for him, sometimes he says ‘I wish I was never alive’. At another time the same day he might say ‘Best day ever’. I identify with your feeling of being on a treadmill as a parent carer, my days involve a fair bit of the same.

Wishing you success 🎆

Sorry you are like this op. I personally found a few sessions 121 with a trainer in gym helped no end. They made a program for me and I can go when suits myself and at quieter times . Headphones being essential.

Hoping you can find something that helps.

I also hope that even though you feel like you have no one to talk to about this in your day to day life, there is a community of people here on MN who will listen and give you somewhere to turn if you're feeling alone.

Neome thanks yes I like Jessica too :)

Cryalot I don’t have any time I’m alone and not working really, my exercise all includes my boy or I don’t do it. Sometimes I take the dogs to the beach on my own but that’s it.

CrowBones I am completely alone.

OP I hear you. I feel like this. intermittently. I can be OK for a few days, or weeks even. then I plunge back into feeling hopeless again. Covid has been the driver for me. I hate how it has impacted pretty much everything and struggle to see the light sometimes.
Sorry, I'm not being much help. But I wanted to say you ate most definitely not alone.

I struggle a bit with this, I think the key is a) looking for the positive things, such as a nice sunrise or the fact you have money to buy nice food or buy Christmas presents. This sounds a bit hippy dippy but ultimately what else is there b) not comparing your life with peers or others, especially if you keep up with them mainly via social media. This has been proven to be a risk for depression. It can make you feel everyone else is having a great old time of it, when that can’t be true.

Yeah I’m not big on social media, I’ve never really “got” it. Probably a good thing.
I can be ok for a bit too then dip down into this bleargh. I just feel like there’s nothing. I’m no-one, life’s just functional. I can’t believe this is it.