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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being rude or is DH being a bit unreasonable?

29 replies

Wrensrobinsandsparrows · 11/12/2021 11:56

I don’t know if I’m being a bit rotten to DH. We have young kids. I WOTH all week, DH also works FT from home.

At the weekend I do want a little bit of down time. Not loads. This morning I’ve tried to watch a bit of TV in bed with the baby (DH slept in the spare room) he came in and just lay there. OK.

So then I tried to go into the bedroom after the mornings housework to have a coffee and he followed me and just lay on the bed trying to talk to me. It wasn’t a conversation but just things like ‘you’re drinking coffee.’

If you live with someone do you have to be WITH them all of the time? I don’t know if I’m being a bit rude in wanting this or if DH is being stupidly needy.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 11/12/2021 12:06

Why isn't he looking after the kids? Surely if they are young, you can't both be hidden away?

Also, just tell him - I'm off into the bedroom for half an hour. I need to be alone for a while.

Then hopefully he will understand your need. He's not a mind reader after all.

DropYourSword · 11/12/2021 12:07

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong. You need space and maybe he’s just trying to pay you some attention. Just let him know.

Original poster
Wrensrobinsandsparrows · 11/12/2021 12:09

When I went to the bedroom it was nap time, which is why I wanted a bit of me-time!

I probably should articulate it a bit more clearly.

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 11/12/2021 12:10

If DH works from home all week, does he have much/any adult company outside of you? Is WFH a covid induced change or has he always done so?
Perhaps he is feeling isolated and craving adult interaction?

ThePlantsitter · 11/12/2021 12:10

Bit of both/neither. He's been in the house all week and wants some company, you've been out of it all well and want some peace! You'll have to find a compromise. Maybe he can find something to take the kids to with a mate on Saturday mornings? Then you can all do something together in the afternoon?

andtherewere2 · 11/12/2021 12:11

Time to have a chat with DH
It sounds like he's seeking out your company which is sweet so I wouldn't complain about that but you could say I need some time to relax (one weekend morning / an hour a day in my own) can you please take baby and entertain him/ her elsewhere and let me have some time off chilling on my own without any chatter?

If you don't get things even now it's harder later on. DH needs to be able to use his own initiative or ask you if you want company or some time to yourself, same as you can do for him

It's quite lonely WFH so I can see how might seem nice to seek out each other's company when finished or as soon as up!

RodneyIsDave · 11/12/2021 12:22

He might just want to be with you, if he WFH all hours and sleeps in the spare room he might feel like a lodger not husband

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2021 12:25

How much alone time, without the children do you get together? He's obviously feeling that you don't get enough.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 12:28

I think neither of you are actively wrong here, unless you’ve explicitly said “I’m going to be alone for 30 minutes” and he’s trampled on that. As the WFH one he’s probably craving company, whereas you’re feeling peopled out.

Just raise it with him – you crave and need some “everyone out of my face” time to recharge, after which you’re much more amenable to company.

WellLarDeDar · 11/12/2021 12:29

I think having you time is really important. Maybe he was feeling a bit low and wanted some company? At least you didn't have a row about it :)

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 12:29

He's at home alone all week and wants company. If you wanted to be alone then you could have said you were going for a nap with the baby or something.

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 12:31

If you live with someone do you have to be WITH them all of the time

If you're out at work all week then you're not with each other all the time. I get needing some alone time sometimes but I think I'd be a bit upset if DH didn't want a bit of time together while the kids napped.

Thegreencup · 11/12/2021 12:32

Spell it out. I an going upstairs for half an hour to myself while the kids are asleep.

VainAbigail · 11/12/2021 12:33

What is WOTH?

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 12:36

@VainAbigail working outside the home

aspirational · 11/12/2021 12:37

You need to chat with him but it is really difficult WFH at the moment and not seeing anyone in person for company.

Teeturtle · 11/12/2021 12:43

I think you are being a bit mean. He isn’t WITH you all the time, he works from home and you work elsewhere (thank you for someone explaining what WOTH means). He maybe thought he was being nice spending time with you at the end of a working week, sometimes people like to do that. You should tell him clearly if you need a nap or whatever.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 12:51

She doesn’t need a nap, though, or need the excuse of going for a nap with a baby. Some people need time alone to recharge. Sitting alone in a room drinking coffee is probably more restorative to me than a nap.

It just has to be balanced out with time together – do you get that in the evenings, OP, or is it a “collapse, knackered and staring at phones separately” kind of situation at the moment?

movinghelprequired · 11/12/2021 12:53

I hated this with my DH for years! Eventually one day I told him "sometimes I just need to sit quietly with no questions or disruptions. It's nothing personal." And from then on just told him when I needed some time. He does it with me too now.Grin

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 12:55

@Wrensrobinsandsparrows

When I went to the bedroom it was nap time, which is why I wanted a bit of me-time!

I probably should articulate it a bit more clearly.

Do you get much time together?

It's completely reasonable to want your own time but it's reasonable for him to want to be with you too.

StEval · 11/12/2021 12:58

Totally get you Op.
DH literally follows me around the house.
Its so draining!
" youre drinking coffee" Hmm
I need alone time or I feel like Im drowning mentally.
In fact Im happier alone Blush

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 13:15

She doesn’t need a nap, though, or need the excuse of going for a nap with a baby. Some people need time alone to recharge. Sitting alone in a room drinking coffee is probably more restorative to me than a nap.

Then she needs to tell her dh she wants to be alone. He's not a mind reader.

Nearlytheretrees · 11/12/2021 13:17

He's not seeing anyone at work then sleeping on his own, I can see why he wants some company. If you want time alone that's reasonable too but I think you need to tell him rather than expect him to know. I found wfh very lonely and would have been upset if dh then didn't want to spend some down time together at the weekend

Hankunamatata · 11/12/2021 13:17

@VainAbigail

What is WOTH?
I scrolled down hoping someone else had asked Grin
RandomMess · 11/12/2021 13:20

DH often goes for a bath for some peace. Other things he did was go play on his console for an hour or something but yes he communicated that to me properly so I knew what he needed and how long before he'd be "back"